Episode 13So I'm walking down the corridor from Mission Control with about a ream of financial paperwork when I notice the Boss coming the other way with the IT Director in tow - never a good sign.
Episode 12"I don't think your reviews are overly helpful," the Director sulks.
Episode 11"We just DID this!" the PFY snaps - before I can beat him to it.
Episode 10"So what do you think?" the Boss asks. "You've had more experience than me at this."
Episode 9"I wasn't built for user support, I know that now," I sigh.
Episode 8I never cease to be amazed by the seemingly endless possibilities for forming a committee to not do something.
Episode 7"Simon, Steven – a word?" the Boss burbles warmly.
Episode 6 "Ok James, I think it's time we released you into the wild," I say.
Episode 5"The thing is," I explain to James, "the vast majority of management bright ideas aren't – they're just stuff which keeps the Boss occupied till lunchtime firing off urgent emails about problems we don't have."
Episode 4 "Ah! Simon, Steven - this is James," the Boss burbles, pushing a young lad forward like a ritual sacrifice candidate. "James is doing a 2 week placement with us as part of his further studies."
Episode 2There's a small-scale war going on between me, the PFY and the folk in Health and Safety.
Episode 1"Okay, I'll just need your username and password to verify this," the customer rep tells me.
Episode 14 "It's called Selection Bias," I say to the Boss.
Episode 13"So I just need a bit of help with the O.I.A.A.P." the new Boss blurts, bowling into Mission Control with a folder tucked under his arm.
Episode 12"Look, all we want you to do is take this simple test which will tell us your personality type and the things you respond to," the Boss burbles.
Episode 11 So I'm in the office by myself while the PFY is out doing... something... I guess... when one of our atypical difficult users comes in.
Episode 10"I TOLD you, I HATE working on printers!" I seethe at the Boss.
Episode 9 Hell hath no fury like a Boss who has taken umbrage - and in this case he happened to hear the PFY discussing how he'd "upgraded" the Boss's Pokémon Go to a full augmented-reality app with a "feature" that made large moving vehicles invisible - just before giving him a virtual reality headset and suggesting that there were some great possibilities at the roundabout at the end of the street. Still, it's not like the PFY borrowed the company van and waited at the roundabout or anything...
Episode 8 "We were wondering.. what you were doing with... the storeroom?" the Boss asks.
Episode 7"Well I'm... pretty sure I didn't get it!" the PFY says, motioning his mouse aimlessly around the screen for a bit while lazing back in his chair. "Have you tried rebooting your machine?"
Episode 6 "So all I need is the data from yesterday and maybe the day before," the Boss says, handing over his pride and joy.
Episode 5"Wah wah wah wah wah..."
Episode 4It's yet another one of those Fridays where ALL I NEED TO DO IS MAKE IT TO 4pm..
Episode 2 There's a bit of a scramble on.
Episode 1"Why does it always have to be so difficult with you guys?" the new Boss asks.
Episode 18 "You know what Google has that we don't have?" the new Boss asks, wandering around Mission Control like the lord of all he surveys.
Episode 17 "And so then when you've done your part of the task you simply change your task icon to the 'completed' state, click update, then activate the next task in the project chain, which will send an alert to the next team member that they have a task to complete for the project," the instructor burbles happily.
Episode 16"What do you mean 'why's it not working'," the PFY asks.
Episode 15 "Is he still there?" I ask the PFY, maintaining direct eye contact with him so that I can truthfully claim that I didn't see the Health and Safety guy hanging around the hallway to Mission Control like a bad smell.
Episode 12 "Well, you know what they say," the Boss says, faking sadness. "The candle that burns twice as bright..."
Episode 11 "... and so we thought that you might like to attend this two-day workshop in effective leadership techniques," the Boss burbles, rounding off the professional goal-setting exercise that company policy obliges him to do with me and any other contractor with a contract that's rolled over for more than five years.
Episode 9 "Wow, that's like the Matrix!" the Director's PA gasps.
Episode 8 "It's just a small change!" the Boss whines.
Episode 7 "Oh this takes me back to the early days of ST225s!" the Boss burbles.
Episode 5The PFY has crossed the line. Even though he knows better, he's attempted to explain something technical to management.