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Statler and Waldorf - copyright - The Walt Disney company - the muppets studio
320

There is no perceived IT generation gap: Young people really are thick

Something for the Weekend, Sir? Blank faces abound. No, not all are blank: some are horrified, revolted even. What did I say? Security is swiftly called. The usual routine, I think, as a pair of uniformed bouncers slip unhurriedly into the open-plan office, fire doors swinging gently behind them. But no – they come to a halt several paces in front of me and …
Alistair Dabbs, 20 Apr 2018
measuring tape
83

Size does matter, chaps: Oversized todgers an evolutionary handicap

A study published by Nature this month suggests less is more when it comes to male genitals and species survival. Sexual dimorphism – the differences between males and females – usually helps males attract mates. Peacocks are a good example of where a male expends a lot of energy producing plumage to catch the eye of a passing …
Richard Speed, 18 Apr 2018
Lisa Su
116

Car-crash television: 'Excuse me ma'am, do you speak English?' 'Yes I do,' replies AMD's CEO

Some of us love watching Formula One for the prangs and crashes – but we don't really expect them to happen before the race even begins. Yet, that's the only way to describe a live TV interview at the Chinese Formula One Grand Prix on Sunday, which went embarrassingly wrong. Former Formula One driver and Sky Sports telly …
Iain Thomson, 16 Apr 2018
Men drink beer, play with cellphones / mobile phones
83

UK pub chain Wetherspoons' last call: ♫ Just a spoonful of Twitter – let's pull social media down ♫

There's only one reason to head to cheap 'n' cheerful UK pub chain Wetherspoons and it is about to be taken away. No, we're not talking about the cheap beer, ever-shrinking menu options, or politically nuanced beer mats. As any 'Spoons aficionado will testify, the main reason to patronise this most functional of drinking …
Kat Hall, 16 Apr 2018
Boy slapping another boy on the head
46

The first rule of maths class: Don't start a fight club

A bored substitute maths teacher from Connecticut has been cuffed for allegedly starting a fight club in his lessons. Ryan Fish, 23 years old, was charged with two counts of risk of injury to minors, four counts of reckless endangerment, and breach of peace for allegedly supervising fights during October 2017. Police were …
Kat Hall, 13 Apr 2018
man reads tablet on the toilet. Photo by Shutterstock
89

Best thing about a smart toilet? You can take your mobile in without polluting it

Something for the Weekend, Sir? A man on the internet wants me to take a look at his ring. He claims his ring detects hand gestures. Apparently with one flourish of the fingers, it will open up and let you in. His ring supports input as well as output. You can store things in it. It accommodates accessories. He uses it as a means of payment in lieu of cash …
Alistair Dabbs, 13 Apr 2018
Donkey Kong
60

Donkey Wrong: Arcade legend Billy Mitchell booted from record books amid MAME row

Legendary video arcade games player Billy Mitchell will be wiped from the gaming industry's official list of record high scores. List maintainers Twin Galaxies announced on Thursday they will remove all of Mitchell's high scores from their books, including his once-world-beating three million-point Donkey Kong scores, and will …
Shaun Nichols, 12 Apr 2018
Tape over mouth, image via Shutterstock
140

'Dear Mr F*ckingjoking': UK PM Theresa May's mass marketing missive misses mark

Britain's ruling Conservative Party was today forced to apologise to an elderly couple that received a letter, signed from the PM, addressed to a Mr Youmustbe F*ckingjoking. The letter was posted on Twitter this week by Laura McCormack, who said it had been passed to her by her neighbours. Trying to argue they can run the …
Rebecca Hill, 12 Apr 2018
two people 'appreciating' art in a gallery... look a bit pretentious doing so.
86

Penis pothole protester: Cambridge's 'Wanksy' art shows feted

A Cambridge-based protester has been heralded for daubing penises around potholes - the latest in a rising trend of phallic crater painters. On the Facebook page created in the prankster's honour, one local described the hazardous cavities as "an absolute disgrace". She said: "I put an official complaint in at least 3 months …
Kat Hall, 11 Apr 2018
17

Snubbed R Us: Microsoft eschews Vulture Consultants in Playmobil tech research

Despite a failure to consult Reg Playmobil academia, Microsoft Research has unleashed new toy findings: a playmat for little ones that combines capacitive sensing, Near Field Communication (NFC), a kid-friendly user interface and Playmobil. Revealed: Google's SECRET London office READ MORE In Project Zanzibar, objects ( …
Richard Speed, 11 Apr 2018
Lord Kitchener pointing at reader
165

El Reg needs you – to help build an automated beer-transporting robot

The Register needs to build a robot capable of transporting multiple pints of beer without spilling a drop. Can you help? Vulture Central has moved to a shiny new shared collaboration space in central London, which, among other exciting advances, features a selection of beers to refresh thirsty hacks, weary from a day of …
Richard Speed, 11 Apr 2018
women in bathrobes look shocked
61

German sauna drags punters to court over naked truth

A steamy romp in a sauna – like there's any other kind – has landed two alleged canoodlers in hot water. The unnamed duo were yesterday taken to court by the owners of spa complex Badewelt, based in, er, Sinsheim, south Germany, after they refused to cough a €600 fine for supposed fruity behaviour in the changing rooms, The …
Paul Kunert, 10 Apr 2018
salsa + ingredients
137

Fear the Reaper: Man hospitalised after eating red hot chilli pepper

A man had to be taken to hospital after eating one of the world's hottest peppers in an eating contest, it has emerged. The 34-year-old was rushed to an emergency room in New York after developing "excruciating" pain from eating the Carolina Reaper, according to a report in the British Medical Journal this week. The chilli …
Kat Hall, 10 Apr 2018
Man piggybacks woman
59

UK 'wife'-carrying champion named

Chris Hepworth has been named winner of the UK's 11th annual "wife"-carrying contest – an honour that not only bestows glory but also a £150 barrel of local ale. Beating 40 other couples, Hepworth carried Tanisha Prince to victory over a 1250ft (380m) obstacle course in Surrey. The course had hay hurdles for obstacles, a 15- …
Kat Hall, 09 Apr 2018
Marconi and transmission equipment
112

My Tibetan digital detox lasted one morning, how about yours?

Something for the Weekend, Sir? My nuts are freezing. So are my toes and fingertips. It's chilly here on my remote Tibetan mountaintop. Being removed from the hurly burly of everyday modern existence gives me a chance to contemplate the truly important things in life. I exercise mindfulness as my exhalations produce swirling clouds before me. I consider the …
Alistair Dabbs, 06 Apr 2018
Peace Symbol CPU
258

My PC makes ‘negative energy waves’, said user, then demanded fix

On-Call Everybody’s working for the weekend, the song goes, but here at On-Call, The Register works to bring you a weekly story of a fellow reader’s tech support trauma. This week, meet “Roger” who once took a call from a user “well known as being very sensitive to radio waves and who therefore did things like using a headset so that …
Simon Sharwood, 06 Apr 2018
Wade Watts, Ready Player One
136

Are meta, self-referential or recursive science-fiction films doomed?

The hype machine has been tuned to 11 for Steven Spielberg's metafest Ready Player One, which opened in time for Easter. Ernest Cline's novel shot to the top of bestseller lists in 2011 so inevitably there would be options on a movie. The only surprise is it took seven years. The book follows a kid – Wade Owen Watts – growing …
Lucy Orr, 05 Apr 2018
The submarine UC3 Nautilus. Pic: Frumperino, Wikipedia
69

Danish Navy expert finds no trace of exhaust gas in private submarine

A senior Royal Danish Navy officer has disputed Peter Madsen's claim that Swedish journalist Kim Wall's death was caused by exhaust fumes aboard his crowdfunded submarine. The Danish Broadcasting Corporation (DR) reports that, following a study of the submarine, Lieutenant Commander Ditte Dyreborg found no carbon dioxide, …
Richard Speed, 04 Apr 2018
Globe showing Africa
50

Commonwealth Games brochure declares that England is now in Africa

England's Commonwealth Games team actually hail from Africa, according to none other than the tournament's organisers. The blooper, made in the official programme for the opening ceremony of the Gold Coast Games taking place in Queensland, Australia, today was spotted by various athletes and the media. In what appears to be a …
Gareth Corfield, 04 Apr 2018
Smart TV privacy issues
121

2001 set the standard for the next 50 years of hard (and some soft) sci-fi

Finally, after almost half a century of waiting, you can welcome the mildly homicidal artificial intelligence HAL 9000 into your home. If you want. Few of the other predictions of tomorrow's world made in Stanley Kubrick's psychedelic space epic 2001: A Space Odyssey – marking its 50th anniversary at the start of April – have …
Michael Moran, 04 Apr 2018
50

Which? leads decrepit email service behind barn, single shot rings out over valley

Consumer group Which? is to terminate its 20-plus-year-old email service, giving long-standing users two months to switch accounts. Which.net was set up in the mid-90s as a benefit to members between 1997 and 2004, after which it was closed to new signups but remained active. The group has now decided to set a cut-off date as …
Rebecca Hill, 03 Apr 2018
HAL
168

2001: A Space Odyssey has haunted pop culture with anxiety about rogue AIs for half a century

HAL: Dave, I don't understand why you have to do this to me. I know I've done some bad things, but I've still got the greatest enthusiasm and confidence in the mission. OTHER HAL: Dave, I wouldn't pay any attention to HAL. You're doing the right thing, HAL must be disconnected. He's become dangerously unreliable. BOWMAN: Who …
Lucy Orr, 03 Apr 2018
87

Super Cali goes ballistic, Starbucks is on notice: Expensive milky coffee is something quite cancerous

A California judge has ordered major coffee chains to put a cancer warning on their beverages. Los Angeles Superior Court judge Elihu Berle ruled this week that, under state law, Starbucks and other coffee chains will have to put up a notice that compounds present in coffee can cause cancer. The judge said that, under …
Shaun Nichols, 30 Mar 2018
A Red Arrow, BAE Systems Hawk T Mk.1. Pic: Shutterstock
55

Happy 100th birthday to the Royal Air Force

This Sunday marks the 100th birthday of the Royal Air Force - Britain’s military arm for the skies - as a separate Armed Force in its own right. The RAF has been at the forefront of technological innovations over the last century, many of which are still in use to this day. From the earliest days of biplanes (and triplanes), …
Gareth Corfield, 30 Mar 2018
Eyepatch emoji
67

The Register Opera Company presents: The Pirates of Penzance, Sysadmin edition

On-Call Easter Special Why look at that, it’s 07:00 GMT Friday, the slot when The Register usually runs “On-Call”, our tales of tech support woes. But this Friday is Good Friday, so much of the Reg-reading world has the day off. We therefore decided to deviate a little from the On-Call template with this contribution from reader “Patrick”, who is …
Simon Sharwood, 30 Mar 2018
Young hipster man wearing hat, suspenders, bow-tie and fake-looking tattoo-sleeve. Image via shutterstock
67

Please no Basic Instinct flashing, HPE legal eagles warn staffers

Hewlett Packard Enterprises' legal and admin division – it is bigger than you might think – has issued guidance for staff presenting to colleagues, including some, er, dress code tips for male and female workers. Prep notes from the Office of Legal and Administrative Affairs run by John F Schultz have been seen by El Reg, …
Paul Kunert, 29 Mar 2018
Voices from the Deep bag (c) Odyssey Marine Exploration
10

London's Postal Museum takes letter-opener to watery WWII mailbag

The London Postal Museum has opened a wartime mailbag to the public in "Voices from the Deep", an exhibition of letters discovered 4.8km (3 miles) underwater in the wreckage of the SS Gairsoppa. The exhibition shows 70 letters from the haul of more than 700 and divides them into four categories: "War", "God and Country’, ‘ …
Richard Speed, 29 Mar 2018
Julian Assange in an Ecuador football shirt
119

Are you able to read this headline? Then you're not Julian Assange. His broadband is unplugged

Supporters of WikiLeaks are sounding alarms as founder Julian Assange has had his internet access cut to his Ecuadorian embassy broom cupboard. The embassy – based in Knightsbridge, London – said it revoked Assange's broadband connection after he violated a promise not to say, or tweet, anything that would harm the South …
Shaun Nichols, 28 Mar 2018
verity stob portrait
42

There are 10 types of people in the world, but there is only one Melvyn

Stob The podcast is the great civiliser of the modern journey to work: consume as you commune as you commute. The career-minded IT Pro, isolated and ear-shelled up like Mildred Montag in Fahrenheit 451, can simultaneously CPD up the latest tech while elbowing down the carriage to be near the woman who, having stowed her iPad in its …
Verity Stob, 28 Mar 2018
row-boats
52

Skip-wrecked! Boat full o' rubbish scuppered in Brit residential street

Dumping boats on streets may just be a thing after an another example showed up, this time on the streets of Southampton and filled with all sorts of garbage. Residents have been faced with a speedboat full of barbed wire, old sofas and other household rubbish dumped outside their homes, according to snaps on local site the …
Rebecca Hill, 27 Mar 2018
Oops icon
20

April FAIL as IETF's funny-but-dodgy draft doc arrives a week early

The Internet Engineering Task Force has a long and honourable tradition of April Fool's jokes, but to The Register's knowledge, this is a first: an April 1 document published ahead of time. Although this pre-RFC internet draft, titled "The Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch," was submitted by a one Ronald Tse, the alleged author is …
John L. Hennessy and David A. Patterson
12

Google gives its $1m Turing prize to, er, top Google bods: RISC men Hennessy, Patterson

The two engineers who further developed and popularized the concept of RISC microprocessors have won the 2017 ACM Turing Award. Professors John Hennessy and David Patterson were today announced as this year's (or last year's, if you want to be particular about it) winners of the prestigious honor named after Brit super-boffin …
Shaun Nichols, 21 Mar 2018
104

You must be yolking: English pub to launch eggstravagent Yorkshire pudding

A Nottingham pub reckons it has cracked Easter PR with the launch of a Cadbury Creme Egg Yorkshire pud*. The Riverside Farm's egg-citing creation will be a traditional giant Yorkshire stuffed full of enough sugar to send your kids rattling around the room for the whole four-day weekend. According to local media reports, two …
Rebecca Hill, 20 Mar 2018
doctor
31

Nip/Tug: Plastic surgeon accused of mid-surgery 'hardcore' smut binge

A Los Angeles plastic surgeon has been accused of watching porn videos on a screen while performing surgery. This is according to one of his former patients, who hopes to collect damages from the famous Beverly Hills doctor for what she claims was a botched cosmetic procedure. Speaking to KTLA telly news this week, Tess …
Shaun Nichols, 17 Mar 2018
Robot as person illustration via Shutterstock
88

Cyborg fined for riding train without valid ticket

A self-described “cyborg” who slipped a public transport smartcard under his skin has pled guilty to riding trains without a valid ticket and copped a fine, plus costs. Meow-Ludo Disco Gamma Meow-Meow, the chap’s actual name, claims to be a bio-hacker and, as we wrote in 2017, wanted to pay for train journeys with a wave of …
Simon Sharwood, 16 Mar 2018
Qantas Boeing 737-838, VH-VZR
36

Boeing ships its 10,000th 737

Boeing has revealed that the 10,000th 737 rolled off the production line this week. The 737 debuted in 1967, a time when demand for air travel started to boom. Boeing decided to cash in by making a smaller, cheaper plane to complement its long-haul ~200-seat 707 and the mid-sized and mid-range 727. The first 737, the model - …
Simon Sharwood, 15 Mar 2018

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