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The Register breaking news

LHC back after temporary unexistence

The Large Hadron Collider - mightiest particle-smasher ever built, and possible portal to other dimensions - came back online late last night following a power cut which not only shut down the Collider but also caused it to vanish off the internet for a time. Amateur LHC-watchers, observing the great machine either for …
Lewis Page, 3 Dec 2009
The Register breaking news

LHC knocked out by ANOTHER power failure

Exclusive The Large Hadron Collider - most puissant particle-punisher ever assembled by the human race - has suffered another major power failure, knocking not only the atomsmasher itself but even its associated websites offline. The machine remains unserviceable at present. However its crucial cryogenics seem to have been unaffected, and …
Lewis Page, 2 Dec 2009
The Register breaking news

LHC smashes Tevatron record: Humanity enters the unknown

In the early hours this morning, boffins at the controls of the Large Hadron Collider brought the colossal particle-punisher up to beam energies of 1.18 tera-electron-volts (TeV), breaking the world atomsmasher record of 0.98 TeV held by the US Tevatron. The LHC is now officially the most powerful matter-rending machine in …
Lewis Page, 30 Nov 2009
The Register breaking news

Large Hadron Collider scuttled by birdy baguette-bomber

Exclusive A bird dropping a piece of bread onto outdoor machinery has been blamed for a technical fault at the Large Hadron Collider (LHC) this week which saw significant overheating in sections of the mighty particle-punisher's subterranean 27-km supercooled magnetic doughnut. According to scientists at the project, had the LHC been …
Lewis Page, 5 Nov 2009
The Register breaking news

LHC rushed back into service at 50% max power

International boffinry alliance CERN has announced plans to rush its damaged but still unprecedentedly puissant particle-punisher, the Large Hadron Collider (LHC), into service at half its planned maximum power. It's hoped that this will avoid the mighty machine being beaten by a rival US atomsmasher in the race to find the so- …
Lewis Page, 7 Aug 2009
The Register breaking news

CERN Proton-smashers: We are economically valuable

International atomsmasher lab CERN has rubbished UK science minister Lord Drayson's suggestion that research funding should focus more on areas which directly benefit the economy. The Minister particularly favoured areas where he made his large personal fortune: med-tech and drugs. Here are a few highlights of Drayson's speech …
Lewis Page, 13 Feb 2009
The Register breaking news

Boffins monitor strato-weather from half-mile underground

Ever since there have been weather people, aviators and sailors have taunted them for failing to simply step outside - or go to the window - and look at the sky. But now meteorology boffins have struck back, saying that actually one of the best places to monitor weather conditions is a disused mine tunnel half a mile underground …
Lewis Page, 22 Jan 2009
The Register breaking news

Report: UK physics 'damaged' by budget blunder bloodbath

An authoritative review into the management of physics in the UK has concluded that overall things are in good order. However, the panel led by Professor Bill Wakeham also identified "weaknesses" in the present physics setup, and said that "significant damage" had been caused by recent funding decisions. "UK physics enjoys …
Lewis Page, 2 Oct 2008
The Register breaking news

Hawaiian anti-LHC lawsuit thrown out

Famous eccentric American botanist, lawyer and soi-disant physicist Walter L Wagner has failed in his bid to have the US courts close down the Large Hadron Collider (LHC). The Hawaiian federal judges reportedly felt that the enormous 27-km proton deathrace track lay somewhat outside their jurisdiction, located as it is beneath …
Lewis Page, 1 Oct 2008
The Register breaking news

Superfluid leak downs LHC for months

Bad news broke at the weekend for fans of the Large Hadron Collider (LHC) - the titanic underground magno-doughnut proton punisher located outside Geneva. Technical mishaps will mean at least a two-month delay before the inaugural hadron headbang. It appears that problems arose after a faulty electrical connection between two …
Lewis Page, 22 Sep 2008
The Register breaking news

Boffinry bitchslap brouhaha: Higgs and Hawking head to head

Famous retired physics prof Peter Higgs - of boson renown - has stingingly counter-poohpoohed the theories of his equally well known Nobel Prize rival, Stephen Hawking, who has already poohpoohed Higgs' particle concept. The clash of intellects is expected to be settled by particle-punishment results at the Large Hadron Collider …
Lewis Page, 11 Sep 2008
The Register breaking news

Today is not Hadron Collider Day

All the world's media is going bananas over "first beam" day at the Large Hadron Collider (LHC) - the world's most stupendous particle-punisher, which switched on this morning (following an initial hiccup which appeared to be fixed by the traditional expedient of turning it off then on again). Today, it is being strongly implied …
Lewis Page, 10 Sep 2008
The Register breaking news

Hadron boffins: Our meddling will not destroy universe

Boffins preparing to fire up the most powerful particle-smasher ever built have released another reassuring report which says that their machine will definitely not destroy the universe - nor even the planet Earth. The Large Hadron Collider (LHC), a titanic 27-kilometre doughnut made of ultra-chilly superconductor magnet pipe …
Lewis Page, 5 Sep 2008
The Register breaking news

CERN: LHC to fire first proton-smash ray next month

Scientists operating from a hollowed-out lair deep beneath the Franco-Swiss border have announced that their enormous, unprecedentedly powerful 27-kilometre proton cannon will shortly be ready to open fire. To be precise, "first beam" is scheduled for 10 September. Uncharacteristically, perhaps, the boffins made their …
Lewis Page, 8 Aug 2008

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