Articles about alistair dabbs

Why do GUIs jump around like a demented terrier while starting up? Am I on my own?

Something for the Weekend, Sir? “For heaven’s sake, stop waggling it in my face! Kuh-rist, keep still! Right – you’ve asked for it!” Alerted by the commotion, colleagues struggle to hold me back as I try to give my computer the damn good kicking it deserves. That’s unfair: the computer itself didn’t deserve such rough treatment. More importantly, it is not …
Alistair Dabbs, 24 Mar 2017
SHUT UP!

The future of Not Reality is a strap-on that talks to my smarting ring

Something for the Weekend, Sir? My ring smarts. This is only to be expected, having exposed my ring for long periods to the burning sun. More fool me, you’d think, but you’d be wrong. Ensuring my ring is open to the elements is good for my health and well-being. And slipping it onto my finger is surprisingly comfortable. Hang on, what I meant to say was …
Alistair Dabbs, 10 Mar 2017
Cat in headphones. Photo by By Oksana Ashurova/shutterstock

Palmtop nostalgia is tinny music to my elephantine ears

Something for the Weekend, Sir? Up and down, I’m up the wall, I’m up the bloody tree. Yup, this week finds me back on the trail in an unnecessary hunt for inessential portable kit I probably won’t use. It was triggered, as these things usually are, by something I read here on The Register. I should know better than to allow myself to be so easily influenced …
Shaun of the Dead

I want it hot and wet – preferably with Wi-Fi

Something for the Weekend, Sir? I came too soon. Normally this is not a problem. Coming early allows me to regather my strength so that I can then go at it, full-on, for the next eight hours. On this occasion, however, I misjudged the situation and came much too soon. As a result I am standing outside on the pavement in the rain instead of sitting in a warm …
Alistair Dabbs, 24 Feb 2017
Metal Gear Solid V: The Phantom Pain

A webcam is not so much a leering eye as the barrel of a gun

Something for the Weekend, Sir? “Strip it off!” commands a disembodied voice. “We want to see what you’ve got!” Strangers are watching me all across the Internet, waiting for the big reveal. At least, they would be if they could see anything. I have joined a Skype conference that is to be live-streamed to the general public and, subsequently, edited into a …
Alistair Dabbs, 17 Feb 2017
Magic act, image via Shutterstock

Welcome to my world of The Unexplained – yes, you're welcome to it

Something for the Weekend, Sir? I'm getting funny dreams again. Either that or I have stepped into one of Arthur C Clarke's episodes of Mysterious World of The Unexplained albeit without the Sri Lankan foliage and Eric Morecambe glasses. Inexplicable things have been occurring around me this week. In other circumstances, this might be fun. With the grim …
Alistair Dabbs, 10 Feb 2017

Would you like to know why I get a lot of action at night?

Something for the Weekend, Sir? I've been up all night, doing the business like hammer and tongs, going at it again and again. I can be relentless when I'm on the job – a man of action and drama. Of course, there are things I'd rather be doing than trying to get all my work prepared the night before I set off on a business trip. For example, going to bed …
Crystal ball. Pic: Shutterstock

2017 is already fail: Let’s try a Chinese reboot

Something for the Weekend, Sir? At this stage of my life, I’m only good for quickies. So let’s make it quick, please, as I’m late for a meeting. Here’s me thinking all the shit would be blown away with the closure of 2016, giving me a fresh start in the optimistic new world that began at 00:01 on 1 January 2017. Oh no, not a chance. January has turned out …
Alistair Dabbs, 27 Jan 2017

My hole is a private thing – see for yourself

Something for the Weekend, Sir? My neighbours are staring at my hole and shaking their heads disapprovingly. They were a little surprised to receive my invitation to view my orifice, and it may not be as big as theirs, but I needed their advice on how to fill it. The problem with this particular pothole is that it’s directly at the end of my drive at the …
Alistair Dabbs, 20 Jan 2017
Runner photo, via Shutterstock

Slim pickings by the Biggest Loser: A year of fitness wearables

Something for the Weekend, Sir? Welcome back. Did you manage to take some time off over the Christmas holiday or were you (figuratively) chained to a (virtual) roomful of (literally) overheating blades? Either way, count yourself lucky simply for making it through to 2017 with your heart still beating. You are among the only humans left alive, after all, and …

IT jargon is absolutely REAMED with sexual double-entendres

Something for the Weekend, Sir? Alistair Dabbs is currently hanging upside down in a cave at an undisclosed location. While he slakes his thirst with the blood of those who crossed him, El Reg is re-running one of his timeless classic columns. My wife is looking at online porn again. This can happen accidentally to anyone from time to time, usually while …
Alistair Dabbs, 15 Aug 2015

What’s the KEYBOARD SHORTCUT for Delete?! Look in a contextual menu, fool!

Something for the Weekend, Sir? I'm leading a training course and a voice calls out: “Where’s the Spacebar?” Not such a daft question, you might think. When training people, it’s easy to forget that not everyone is comfortable with keyboard jargon. Except that I’m not teaching pensioners, Siberian farmers or visiting Martians, but journalists. You’d expect …
Rubber bands

Oh God the RUBBER on my SHAFT has gone wrong and is STICKING to things

Something for the Weekend, Sir? My stiff rubbery shaft is sticky. I have tried applying water, gentle detergents and even screen wipes but the stickiness of my rubber remains. It is sticky along its full length from tip to end and even my wife, who has tried to peel off the rubber, agrees that the shaft feels unpleasant in her hands. The next time I buy a …
Alistair Dabbs, 20 Sep 2014

The Apple Watch and CROTCH RUBBING. How are they related?

Something for the Weekend, Sir? We would know when Peter had scored the night before because he’d walk into the office rubbing his crotch. The “lucky” girl to have been the subject of his special favours would invariably trot in a few paces behind, beaming smugly at her colleagues. These were the 1980s. Today everyone is obsessed with arses – Miley Cyrus’s …
Alistair Dabbs, 13 Sep 2014

IT jargon is absolutely REAMED with sexual double-entendres

Something for the Weekend, Sir? My wife is looking at online porn again. This can happen accidentally to anyone from time to time, usually while reading through the results of perfectly innocent web searches such as oyster bar or prize giving head boy. But here my wife is scrolling through pictures of men being er... “serviced” from behind by women wearing …

If you think 3D printing is just firing blanks, just you wait

Something for the Weekend, Sir? This week I met a gun nut. I knew this immediately because he was an American with a moustache. Americans with moustaches are always gun nuts. Don’t blame me, I don’t make the rules. It is simply the way of things. Youtube Video Sitting down at a gala dinner, I found myself sharing a table with an amiable group of US citizens …
Alistair Dabbs, 31 Aug 2014

You'll find Yoda at the back of every IT conference

Something for the Weekend, Sir? On stage, the presenter barely pauses for breath as he shares his extraordinary knowledge with rapid-fire delivery. His audience is captivated, amazed, enthralled. Digital design students all, they are learning from a master of online retail what life is like at the cutting edge of user interaction, giving them a hint of the …
Alistair Dabbs, 15 Aug 2014
Costa Wi-Fi coffee

Nuts to your poncey hipster coffees, I want a TESLA ELECTRO-CAFE

Something for the Weekend, Sir? Tales from Bohemia, Silicon Roundabout style: in which intrepid explorer Alistair Dabbs goes in search of a cup of coffee in London's Silicon Roundabout tech district traffic feature... Indie cafe 1: Large soya latte, please. Am told they don’t do them in large. They weren’t wrong – drink is served in a vessel smaller than a …

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