Otto Z. Stern

And Ninthly Friends, fans, tireless proles who hope for just a taste of all I've enjoyed - I must bid you "goodbye" or at least "see you later." After years writing The Register's most penetrating pieces on technology and society, I'm putting down the pen and picking up the sword. Well, in fact, I'm picking up a Haggenrozzle 2980 earth …

And Ninthly Shortly before nightfall, the small man emerged from his house, checked on his goats and prayed. His most pressing plea to the higher power? Stop the clowns from scaring his children and stop his children from scaring the goats - Julio Stantore, The Diving Bell and the Cabrito Buffet A number of organs today filled their pages …

And Ninthly I'm so very disappointed in all of you. The classic line paraded in the mainstream press is that Microsoft has missed out on the Web 2.0 Experience. Google, MySpace, CredNodge and all the rest have beat the great giant - the last bastion of pure, honest capitalism. Even worse, you're sure that Bill Gates has given up on …

And Ninthly Yep. It felt just like that, didn't it? For scenario one, place your tongue between teeth. Let your tongue relax and give it a few strict but not too rough clamps with the teeth. While repeating this exercise, imagine that your mouth - no, make that your head - has filled with some manner of corn mash. Not just any old corn …

And Ninthly The decadence of the new age crushed Johnny Stumpy's spirit. He'd always thought of himself as a noble vagabond, a street-licker with virtue. Then, the old man pounded him in the head with a mallet made of gold, and Johnny's dreams died. Stumpy got stumped. - The Devil Wears Sleeveless Ts by Julio Stantore Alright. It's time to …

And Ninthly Stunted by the eclipse of justice, Little Johnny Walker made his way over to the piano. He played a sad tune. One full of preambles, bees and summer vegetables. It made the women of the night cry, and the men of strong moral fiber tense. Jesus breathed easier that night. We all did. A Butter Dish for Beelzebub by Julio Stantore …

And Ninthly He sat on one side of a blanket hung across the kitchen, and Smith sat on the other with his translation stones, intoning through the blanket. As if to make this an even happier scene, Harris was warned that if he tried to glimpse the plates, or look at the prophet, he would be struck dead - God is not Great by Christopher …

And ninthly I once thought about spawning with Anna Nicole Smith. Offers were made. But, in the end, a $400m baby seemed like too much of a burden for such a simple man with such simple tastes. Decency - that's what I'm all about. That's what I preach - Tales of Lord Astor and other Great Valentine's Day Gifts, Julio Stantore It was easy …

And ninthly Was Daniel Sadville a knight with a moral compass wound tight or one of those pagan spiritualists out to make a huckster from anything that moved? That's what the audience wanted to know - just before they pulled out the tomatoes and the jackhammers - Julio Stantore, Large Gland Weeping My recent "How to help bloggers restore …

And ninthly Colonel Riley spent most of that week pretending to be a baby blue whale. His friends did not seem to mind, and neither did the real whales. As a whale, Riley was cheerful, agile and smooth. Things only turned ugly when he tried to swallow 20,000 gallons of brine in a single gulp with the help of a device of his own design. …

And ninthly How do you follow up an album that was a massive - if unexpected - hit? Since its 2004 debut, Hot Fuss has gone platinum over five times and has been released in nearly every format in every country. On their road-weary follow-up, Sam's Town, the Killers stay focused and maintain their epic sounds; the album's powerful surges of …

And ninthly Here are a few farmers in trucks buying up supplies and groceries and transacting a little business. At ten o'clock the women come in armies, with shopping bags, their children trailing alongside. The bars open, men gulp a morning beer, the bartender mops the mahogany, there's a smell of clean soap, beer, old wood, and cigar …

And ninthly One might also say: Surely the owner of the visual room would have to be the same kind of thing as it is; but he is not to be found in it, and there is no outside - Ludwig Wittgenstein If Thomas Friedman's mustache understands so damned much, then why is America's soccer program such an embarrassment? This question has plagued …

Stern response Last week, I wrote about the need for the likes of Wal-Mart and Dell to set up engineering and computer science training centers in Mexico. This proposal - which is the only way the US can defeat the growing Asian peril - has been well received. Many of you, however, have raised questions about the intellectual prowess of our …

And ninthly We will add that the working class in the United States, because of its high standard of living, does not clearly see the contradictions existing in US society. To the US working class, these contradictions, which are blunted, appear incomprehensible and they cannot gain clear consciousness of their own exploitation as long as …

And ninthly Through the aesthetic modulation of the psyche, then, the autonomy of reason is already opened up within the domain of sense itself, the dominion of sensation already broken within its own frontiers, and the physical man refined to the point where spiritual man only needs to start developing out of the physical according to the …

Stern response The globules tried hard to find inaccuracies in my obituary for Wikipedia founder Jimmy Wales. Despite the "rigor" of the citizen journalists' investigations, they failed to discover a single error in the piece. This goes to show that a trained professional will always outclass amateurs. The only part of the obituary that may …

And ninethly Justice is the plight of the small man and the emblem of democracy. After all, you won't find Kris Kristofferson playing darts in a bar unless there are weighty issues involved. I salute Kris and others like him who pursue honor, dignity, accuracy and fairness at all costs - Julio Stantore The Inundated Comptroller Press …

Stern response What's the difference between an open source zealot and a 747? That's how one of the more famous jokes in the technology industry begins, and we explored the underpinnings of the laugher in my astonishing column penned last month. Slow planes stink. Crap pieces of open source code stink just as much. All it took was me …

And ninthly Worn down with labors from morning to night, and day to day; knowing them as fruitless to others as they are vexatious to myself, committed singly and in desperate and eternal contest against a host who are systematically undermining the public liberty and prosperity, even the rare hours of relaxation sacrificed to the society …

Stern response I have faced the giant and won. That much is clear from your letters related to my incisive analysis last week, exploring Google's ills. Only sadists really like this company, while the rest of us approach it with caution. Do we need another choke point on the flow information? I don't think so. Having Google dominate the …

And ninethly Chess is as elaborate a waste of human intelligence as you can find outside an advertising agency - Raymond Chandler Keep your friends close and your herpes closer. That's a maxim I've always lived by. I've found it to be rewarding, and suggest you adopt it as well. Plenty of groups often forget who their friends, enemies or …

Stern response I've been so pleased with the reaction to my piece last month entitled CEOs should follow NBA and make geeks wear real clothes. It's very rewarding to have your public justify insightful positions by heaping praise. I'll admit that not everyone saw the raw genius in my proposal, and in the spirit of open dialogue, I'll print …

FoTW Just to prepare you all for the joy that lies ahead later this week when we publish the complete Stern Response mailbag, I've decided to issue this flame in its full, unedited glory. Now you know what I have to deal with on a daily basis. RE: CEOs should follow NBA and make geeks wear real clothes Hey, shit for (what might be …

And ninethly Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society - Mark Twain The collision of professional sports and IT tends to embarrass both camps. It happens most often with techie advertisements surrounding sporting events. Or sometimes you'll see a jock with an iPod or BlackBerry in hand. Conversely, you could …