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Clodagh Doyle

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Life of Brian

Manchester pulls £750 public crucifixion offer

Senior clergy in Manchester, England, have cited health and safety and blasphemy concerns after nixing a plan to fill a funding gap for the city’s Easter Passion play by offering members of the public the chance to be crucified. Organisers of the annual Manchester Passion were apparently looking for innovative ways to cover …
Clodagh Doyle, 05 Apr 2017
Toilet with smiling loo paper

Beijing deploys facial scanners to counter public toilet abuse

Beijing authorities are forcing desperate defecators to submit to a facial scan before receiving an allotment of toilet paper, sparking a debate over privacy, crowd control and the toxic qualities of Chinese loo roll. The city's crapper commissars have installed a phalanx of automated loo roll dispensers at Beijing’s biggest …
Clodagh Doyle, 20 Mar 2017
And they said romance was dead. Pic shutterstock

Smart sex toys firm coughs up $3.75m in privacy lawsuit

A US teledildonics company – if you’re wondering whether that means what it looks like it means, yes it does – has settled a privacy infringement lawsuit for $3.75m. The agreement, reached between two anonymous complainants and Standard Innovation Corporation, will ensure that personal information collected from users of SIC’s …
Clodagh Doyle, 13 Mar 2017

President Trump-themed escort services may soon open in China

China may soon be home to Donald Trump-themed escort services. Preliminary approval has been granted for 38 trademarks for Trump-branded escort services, massage parlors, and bars in China, according to public documents. Approval comes as the US President and his family prepare to develop a range of branded businesses in the …
Clodagh Doyle, 08 Mar 2017
matryoshka doll

Has your spouse stayed on after Mobile World Congress? This sex doll brothel might be why

Is your significant other staying a little longer at Mobile World Congress than you expected? You may want to ask them about the robo sex house recently installed nearby the mobile extravaganza venue in Barcelona. Billed as “the first sex doll agency in Europe”, Lumidolls offers punters a choice of four silicone dolls with …
Clodagh Doyle, 03 Mar 2017

King's College London bods recruit members for penis ring study

Boffins at King's College London are looking for gents in committed relationships who don't mind slipping a variety of rings over their old fellas to measure the relationship between satisfaction and depth of penetration during sexual intercourse. The research effort is erupting out the uni's Institute of Psychiatry, and is …
Clodagh Doyle, 14 Feb 2017
Crocodile Dundee, 20th Century Fox.

'Completely offended' Sheila calls cops over price-gouging ganja dealer

Aussie coppers have got into the consumer rights business after a distraught stoner turned to them to complain about profiteering by her local pot dealer. The Northern Territory's Police, Fire and Emergency Services social media team took to Facebook on Sunday to ask followers: "Is your drug dealer ripping you off?" The …
Clodagh Doyle, 02 Feb 2017
Rocking chair on porch. Photo  By Tapui/shutterstock

Well-rested women in danger of bouncing their men into early grave

Older women getting their full quota of kip are far more likely to be getting a full quota of other types of bedroom action too, research by the North American Menopause Society has shown. The news should bring a smile to the face of male partners of more mature women - except that it has already been proven that men who are …
Clodagh Doyle, 01 Feb 2017

Corn-based diet turns French hamsters into baby eating cannibals

French farmers’ embrace of modern farming is turning the already endangered local hamster population into black-tongued baby eating pyschos, scientists have found. Turning over massive tracts of land to maize-raising has destroyed the cuddly cheek-stuffers' previously diverse diet, with their monotonous intake also exposing …
Clodagh Doyle, 30 Jan 2017
Dutch police

Police pull up van man engaged in dual carriageway sex act

A randy van man faces three points or a driver education course after he and a female passenger were nabbed in flagrante while whizzing down the A3 at Guildford in Surrey, England, yesterday. Surrey police appear to be conducting a crackdown at the moment on drivers using their mobes while driving. However, we presume a …
Clodagh Doyle, 28 Jan 2017

Devonians try to drive Dartmoor whisky plan onto rocks

Devonians are up in arms after plans for a whisky, or possibly whiskey, distillery on Dartmoor were derided as “too Scottish”. Or possibly too Japanese.. Or maybe even too Irish.* Princetown Distillers has submitted plans for a £4m hooch factory in the town of Princetown, slap bang in the middle of the Dartmoor National Park. …
Clodagh Doyle, 27 Jan 2017
Ireland map, photo via Shutterstock

Irish townsfolk besieged by confused smut channel callers

Residents of the picturesque town of Westport, County Mayo are being driven to distraction by their confused countrymen attempting to call UK-based late night smut channel Babestation sans international dialling code. By not including the digits 44, instead of being routed through to the home of "Sexy UK Models, Glamour Girls …
Clodagh Doyle, 24 Jan 2017
Donald Trump thumbs up photo via Shutterstock

Lord of the Dance set to deliver high kicks at Trump’s big ball

Fears that Donald Trump inauguration will be more winalot than Camelot have abated, with the news that renowned trad Irish hoofer Michael Flatley will parachute in his Lord of the Dance troupe to Friday’s virtually celeb-free inauguration. Barack Obama attracted the likes of Aretha Franklin, YoYo Ma, James Taylor and Kelly …
Clodagh Doyle, 19 Jan 2017
Reader provided snap - lost drone. Photo by Brian Gannon

Hapless scouser scours streets for lost Crimble drone

Pic If your heart sinks every time you see a badly photocopied picture of a missing cat, we’ve got some good news. They’re about to be replaced by far better quality pics of missing drones. Reader provided snap - lost drone. Photo by Brian Gannon Photo by Brian Gannon Reg reader Brian Gannon spotted this (rather well produced …
Clodagh Doyle, 05 Jan 2017

Japanese cops arrest serial 'foot licker'

A man from Kyoto in Japan has been arrested for nibbling a young woman's foot. Since 2012, Kyoto has been plagued by the perpetrator of a series of criminal acts of podophilia whom cops had dubbed "the foot licker". Back in July, Akira Nishiyama, 56, allegedly lured a woman in her twenties into the driver's seat of his car to …
Clodagh Doyle, 09 Nov 2016

Happy ending for Kettering as soapy veteran replaces Mean Girl Lindsay

Kettering has drafted in EastEnders veteran Cheryl Fergison to turn on the town for Christmas – after abandoning hopes of child-star-turned-adult-car-crash Lindsay Lohan following through on her post-Brexit promise to light up Northamptonshire. Lohan made the pledge after dissing the home of Weetabix in the course of her all- …
Clodagh Doyle, 07 Nov 2016
A crying child

Twitterstorm erupts over suspected murder of record-breaking earthworm

The Twitterati have pushed aside ephemera such as Brexit or the prospect of a Trump White House with protests about the fate of "Dave”, a prodigious annelid that may or may not have been murdered in the name of science. Earthworm expert Emma Sherlock from the the Natural History Museum appeared on the Beeb today to talk about …
Clodagh Doyle, 04 Nov 2016

Birmingham sperm bank pulls plug after just a handful of recruits

The UK's only NHS sperm bank has stopped recruiting donors after a trawl for men prepared to schlep to Birmingham to make a deposit turned up a mere handful. The National Sperm Bank, based at the National Gamete Donation Trust and Birmingham Fertility Centre, at Birmingham Women's Hospital, was launched two years ago with a …
Clodagh Doyle, 28 Oct 2016

Vatican and musicians at odds over appropriate use of crematorium leftovers

The Vatican has put itself on a collision course with the rock music industry, after banning the spreading of human ash-ley remains. The declaration that spreading or storing crematoria scrapings, flies in the face of a upsurge of musicians’ innovative re-use of the mortal remains of deceased band members, fans, and indeed …
Clodagh Doyle, 26 Oct 2016

Burgundian iPhone wrecker hit with damages, suspended sentence

A bellicose Burgundian has been served a six-month suspended sentence and a pile of damages after being driven to distraction by a glitchy iPhone and taking revenge on his local Apple store with a shiny metal ball. According to French tech site Slice42, Yann Serre had bought an iPhone 6 in the Dijon Apple store in January 2015 …
Clodagh Doyle, 26 Oct 2016
Toilet with smiling loo paper

Dublin shopkeeper catches forecourt fouler with his pants down

An after midnight muckspreader who has been terrorising a Dublin* neighbourhood has been caught in the act by the very shopkeeper whose forecourt he’d been befouling. Alan Buckley, proprietor of Clever Buys in Finglas, plonked a toilet and a pallet of loo roll on the forecourt of his shop after a number of visits from the …
Clodagh Doyle, 30 Sep 2016
London Underground's Holborn station, Central Line. Pic: Shutterstock

Londoners react with horror to Tube Chat initiative

London’s commuters were plunged into terror this week as a shadowy organisation attempted to turn decades of convention on its head by encouraging people to talk to one another. It’s over 140 years since the capital’s inhabitants first learned to keep their gobs shut on underground trains or face the prospect of social …
Clodagh Doyle, 29 Sep 2016
Man holds white flag while sitting alongside empty beer bottles next to a toilet bowl. Pic by Shutterstock

Shopkeeper installs forecourt khazi to counter mystery Dublin dung dumper

A desperate Dublin shopkeeper has placed a toilet and a pile of his very competitvely priced bog roll on the pavement outside his shop after a series of visits from a loose boweled night owl. Alan Buckley was forced to install the curb-side crapper outside his Clever Buys outlet in Finglas, because “someone keeps coming up and …
Clodagh Doyle, 23 Sep 2016

Man accused of $180k ass-based gold smuggling scam awaits verdict

A Canadian man accused of smuggling $180,000 of gold out of the Royal mint – allegedly in his anal cavity – is awaiting a court verdict after his defence condemned the government’s case as “appalling” and entirely circumstantial. Leston Lawrence, 35, of Ottawa was accused of charges including theft, laundering the proceeds of …
Clodagh Doyle, 21 Sep 2016

Italian scientists use fluorescent box to arouse sexually indifferent men

Chaps of a certain age who find their libido fading could do worse than stare at a glaring light source – though not the sort you might be thinking of. Scientists at the University of Siena have found the sort of lightbox used to treat sufferers of seasonal affective disorder enjoyed a boost in sexual satisfaction compared to …
Clodagh Doyle, 19 Sep 2016

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