Come on baby light me on fire: McDonald's to sell 'Quarter Pounder' scented candles
Because the human condition isn't harrowing enough
Fear, shame, regret and Quarter Pounder® with Cheese – now you can relive the scents of last night in your living room thanks to obesity merchants McDonald's.
Yes, we've all caught a whiff of something wicked on the streets only to look up and find the fast-food chain's golden arches gazing down upon us like some grotesque pagan idol.
"Consume," it thunders. You obey.
"Eh, what's the harm?" you reason with yourself, noting that you've defiled your body for this long and it still kind of works. Besides, you're hungry.
On entering, the odour hits you like truck. You're sure hamburgers aren't supposed to smell like that, and yet in this realm they do.
I've had it with these motherflipping eggs on this motherflipping trainREAD MORE
Then you devour that motherfucker in moments while seriously entertaining the notion of eating eight more. There is some ancient and corporate fell magic at work for sure.
Though we can't say McDonald's smells "nice" – indeed, the view of certain Register staffers has been widely documented – at least it smells of something. Unlike stupid salad.
To celebrate 50 years of the Maccas Quarter Pounder, the megacorp will sell a six-pack of scented candles purported to recreate the burger through olfaction.
Each candle is, quoth Maccy D's new merch shop, "inspired by Quarter Pounder ingredients: Bun, Ketchup, Pickle, Cheese, Onion, 100% Fresh Beef**".
The "**" is a little disconcerting because there is no footnote to resolve them – though it's never stopped us smashing a Happy Meal before.
Elsewhere on the site you can purchase a 2020 Quarter Pounder calendar, an "I'd rather be eating a Quarter Pounder® with Cheese" bumper sticker, and "Couples Quarter Pounder Mittens".
"Things that go hand in hand," the product page burbles, "you and the person you share this romantic mitten with, and the Quarter Pounder and 100% fresh beef."
Remarkably, the store has already sold out of the "Quarter Pounder with Love" locket.
As for the candles, The Register finds it hard to believe that anyone but the most repulsive, dedicated slob would buy them. Maybe you'd get them as a crap birthday pressie for a mate, light them once, think "Oh yeah! I'm really getting 200 coked-up City workers jostling for a Big Mac," then throw these atrocities into the sea.
It's probably just a joke, right? A publicity stunt to get back on these pages after weeks of us highlighting various branches' technical ineptitude. They're marked as "Coming Soon" anyway – maybe they'll be deleted once the excitement dies down.
Please let it be a joke. ®