'Cockwomble' is off the menu: Uncle Bulgaria issues edict against using name in vain

Except when talking about Katie Hopkins, possibly...

Great Uncle Bulgaria, elder of the Womble tribe who make their homes on Wimbledon Common, has spoken out against usage of the word "cockwomble", saying his species "would never approve of any use of profane language", particularly not "in our name".

This was not, fortunately, directed at The Register, which has been known to delight in the profanity as a distinctly English way to swiftly describe someone "possessing properties of striking idiocy".

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For all those times we stooped so low – Great Uncle Bulgaria, please forgive us.

Instead, the Womble patriarch has quite rightly turned his ire on professional shit-stirrer Katie Hopkins in a letter to Brighton-based rag The Argus after he was alerted to the parasite using the cuss to describe Eastbourne Borough Council.

Hopkins, for those fortunate enough to have oceans between you and her, is a xenophobic, racist "Piers Morgan on steroids", according to her former boss Alan Sugar (of The Apprentice UK), who has used her subsequent fame to carve out a niche built simply on being "obnoxious and controversial".

Hopkins seems to believe the council deserved the epithet because she had been banned from speaking at the Ukip South East regional conference in Eastbourne on the grounds that she was, in her own words, a "public safety hazard".

"Best get your yellow vests and hard hats on you utter c***wombles," she raved on Twitter. "It will take more than willy waving your tiny chipolatas to silence Katie Hopkins."

The council told The Argus: "Mindful of the inflammatory and, to many, deeply offensive comments made by this speaker previously, the decision was made to avoid risks to people and property as a result of any action designed to disrupt the event."

Now that is public service.

It is sad that such shenanigans have reached the ears of Great Uncle Bulgaria, who, at well over 300 years old, must have found the swears hard to bear. He wrote to the paper:

As you know, Wombles are always respectful of each other and even of human beings, despite their occasional habits of leaving rubbish lying around.

It was therefore sad to read that an offensive word had been used in connection with the Wombles and the great work that is done by Eastbourne council.

I am reliably informed by cousin Beachy, the head of your local burrow, that the job of his burrow is a lot easier than it is in many parts of the world.

We always regard Eastbourne residents and council workers with fondness and gratitude. Wombles would never approve of any use of profane language and are sorry that you were forced to endure it in our name.

Sincerely, Bulgaria Coburg Womble

For those unfortunate enough to have oceans between you and the Wombles, small burrowing creatures with a civilised society based on recycling human rubbish, their merry existence was explored in a series of children's books from 1968. In the mid-'70s, the BBC commissioned a documentary series about their lives. They even had a pop hit in 1974.

Marcus Robertson, 63, son of Wombles creator Elisabeth Beresford, added: "My mother often used to reply to things as Great Uncle Bulgaria. He had the wisdom to look past human folly.

"The character was based on my grandfather, every Womble was based on a family member. The whole point of Wombles was that they cleared up behind humans. In Wimbledon they went and picked up the rubbish that everyday folk left behind and this would be recycled. Given that this was invented in the 1960s, she was miles ahead of her time.

"Great Uncle Bulgaria would never have a view on politics. I am distancing him from her as a politician. What he would have a view on is the language she used. We are sorry that the council has had to have a swear word thrown at them as Wombles would never swear."

So, to Katie Hopkins, and with apologies to Great Uncle Bulgaria and all of Wombledom: "Remember you're a cockwomble." ®

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