If you go down to the woods today, do it somewhere nice like the Forest of Dean* and definitely not Siberia, where a 30-year-old bloke only escaped with his life because he bit the tongue off the bear mauling him.
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According to Russian truth orifice RT, Nikolay Irgit was collecting shed antlers in the Tuva region with a couple of mates.
The deer and moose remains, RT said, can fetch a tidy sum on black markets for their alleged medicinal properties and to make furniture.
You need a licence to scavenge them – which Irgit and company did not have so the gang were likely hoping for a quick and painless trip.
They set up camp, cooked some grub, sang Ging Gang Goolie then split up.
The gods were not smiling upon Irgit, it seems, as he soon met a brown bear – one of the largest carnivores second only to its cousin, the polar bear.
Scared, Irgit screamed at the beast, hoping it would scarper. Instead it charged the lad, chomping down on his head and also injuring his hands and stomach.
At this point, chances of survival are drastically waning and yet our heroic antler thief prevailed.
The police report said that as the bear had its teeth locked round his skull, Irgit "managed to bite the bear's tongue off, after which the bear was frightened and ran away".
So punch sharks on the nose, poke crocs in the eye and bite bears' tongues off. Got it?
His friends responded to his cries and called an ambulance. Irgit's wounds were treated in hospital.
Moral of the story? Always have a licence. Irgit is being prosecuted for illegally collecting antlers. And don't play tonsil tennis with bears. ®
* Watch out for the wild boar, though.
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