Pandas so useless they just look at delicious kid who fell into enclosure
Urgh, you're infuriating!
Three years ago, internet memelords united under the clarion call "Dicks out for Harambe". The 17-year-old gorilla was shot and killed on 29 May 2016 after snatching a toddler at Cincinnati Zoo.
Corbyn lied, Virgin Trains lied, Harambe diedREAD MORE
Which was fair enough, seeing as the enormous ape could have snapped the kid like a twig – but that didn't stop (often faux) outrage over his death reaching viral proportions.
In 2019, things have chilled out a bit.
Witnesses fearing a repeat scene in China when a child fell into a panda enclosure really had nothing to worry about – because the bumbling bears just kind of... acknowledged her.
Visitors to the Chengdu Research Base of Giant Panda Breeding in Sichuan province on Saturday "watched in horror", according to the South China Morning Post, after the tot tumbled about two metres into a pen.
As can be seen in the clip above, there is a sense of concern for the girl as a curious panda strolls up to see what's occurring. While a staff member tries to fish the kid out with a flimsy-looking pole, another reluctantly gets off its arse and ambles over with absolutely zero urgency.
The panic is palpable as the keeper leans through the barrier to pull the girl up, but the most visible reaction from the critters is when another rucks up as if to say "what are we looking at?" and appears to startle one of his stupid mates. Meanwhile, the girl is successfully rescued.
The whole episode is another damning indictment of pandas as a functioning animal. There wasn't even a light mauling, just three gormless furballs. We give it two stars.
If Spring/Autumn/Winterwatch host Chris Packham says we should "let them die out", maybe it's time to listen up.
The celebrated naturalist told Radio Times in 2009: "Here's a species that of its own accord has gone down an evolutionary cul-de-sac. It's not a strong species.
"Unfortunately, it's big and cute and it's a symbol of the World Wildlife Fund – and we pour millions of pounds into panda conservation.
"I reckon we should pull the plug. Let them go with a degree of dignity."
Savage, but not without reason. In 2015, scientists declared that the bears have utterly failed to shed their carnivorous digestive system despite their diet consisting of 99 per cent bamboo. They simply haven't adapted to eat the stuff. But eat it they do. Dumbasses.
On top of this, they're needlessly picky when it comes to selecting a mate, which makes breeding programmes aimed at keeping the blighters in existence a frustrating experience. Come on, you all look exactly the same.
So next time a hapless child falls into a panda pit, at least imply the threat of viscera being tossed around a bit. Where on Earth are our taxes going? ®