Wasted worker wasps wanna know – oi! – who are you looking at?
Sick of kid spit, flying stripy sexless scum drink your cider, pick fight
Britain's booze hooligans are back – and more obnoxious than possibly imagined.
Yes, we're talking about wasps, which have been behind a wave of complaints in the UK by turning up uninvited at beer gardens, drinking leftovers from people's pint, getting drunk, and then picking a fight with the locals.
The weather is to blame: the UK has had a cold winter and, this week's upcoming thunderstorms aside, a hot summer. That warm weather caused their nests to fill up earlier than usual, and wasps' preferred tipple – sugar-spit from larvae produced by the queen wasp – has dried up sooner than expected, leaving the insect world's stripy scum hungry.
The subsequent heat has sent records number of people out into beer gardens carrying pints of cider; drinks that provide the sugary treats the flying monsters crave. They also are partial to fermenting fruit.
The result: record numbers of wasps getting drunk on your pint, and then picking a fight when you try to bat them away. Cue thousands of yelping pub-goers as the wasps shove their stingers into unsuspecting arms, we imagine.
As incredible as it may seem, this is all true, at least according to the British Pest Control Association and the Sussex Wildlife Trust – which this month warned punters of the increased risk of wankered worker wasps. Alcohol has pretty much the same impact on wasps as it does on humans, albeit in much, much smaller quantities: a few sips and the black-and-yellow thugs are ready to rumble.
Although it's unlikely to make someone stung by one of these drunk menaces feel much better, the worker wasps have good reason to be pissed: they are infertile males that have spent months gathering food to feed the queen's eggs, lived on a diet of sugar-rich spit; and are then laid off without so much as a thank you.
Things start to look up as a new generation of fertile females are born, but just when things get interesting, a wave of strutting fertile males looking to hook up are also born. So the hard-working fellas are left lonely, aimless, and hungry. It's no wonder they turn to booze and fighting.
So what can you do about these irritating insect incels? Not much. Leaving sugary food and drink out – like jam sandwiches or a can of cola – is going to attract them, so packing it up fast will help.
As with any drunk, it's a good idea not to annoy them more than they already are: so walking away rather than swatting at them is a better policy than picking a fight. Or in the classic lingo of the drunken beer-garden confrontation: leave 'im, he ain't worth it.
Wasps, eh? Bastards. ®