Exclusive to all press: Atari launches world's best ever games console
Roll-up! Roll-up! You've never seen anything like this! Pay up front while you still can!
You've played the PlayStation, you've crossed paths with the Xbox but now prepare yourselves for the world's greatest ever games console!
That's right, Atari is back – and boy, er, person are they back – the legendary games company has spent a year perfecting the rebirth of its classic machine and they are ready to unveil the future!
Step right up! Step right up! This marvel of modern machinery is packed full of state-of-the-art technology – everything from USB to Bluetooth to Wi-Fi and 4K resolution – nothing can touch it, I tell you.
You are not going to believe your eyes when you see what this thing can do. Games! Controls! Other things!
But that's not all. You – yes, you – you have been specially chosen to get exclusive early access to this revolutionary piece of gaming history. For a limited time only, you can get your hands of this amazing assimilation of augmented assiduous…
…for just $199 – that's $199 (less than half the price of a new PlayStation and two copies of God of War) – you get a special limited edition exclusive special early release version of the Atari VCS.
That's right! For just $199 we will add you to the list of people who will be first in line to receive this incredible machine the moment it is launched. And not a moment later!
But what's that I hear you say? No controller with it? Of course not! Because – please come closer, I don't want others to hear – because not only will there be a controller produced by the legendary Power A, who made that MOGA controller you can plug your phone into, but we will also be producing – yes! The classic Atari controller too!
You've never seen anything so beautiful, so graceful, so RETRO! And you can have that too – as soon as it launches and for a price that we will tell you about later - but my god won’t it be worth it?
Just imagine: you, your friends, gathered around your new Atari box playing such classics at Asteroids! Centipede! Missile Command! I tell you, Grand Theft Auto and Uncharted have nothing on these classics.
But wait, I hear you say, why pay for something on a crowd funding site from a company that hasn't produced any hardware for 30 years, has repeatedly missed their launch dates, and literally showed people a block of plastic with some LEDs in at the Games Developer Conference two months ago, when you can go online right now and get a machine that can do 100 times more?
Well, I will tell you. Nostalgia! Nostalgia, my friends!
Don't listen to these fools who tell you that a hardware company raising funds piecemeal from customers an entire year before a product launch date is a surefire example of a disaster ready to happen.
What do they know?
Besides who wants to pay for something and then receive it that same day? Or month? Or even year? The pleasure is in the wait – and the knowledge that something amazing, incredible, beautiful, fantastic is just around the corner!
You know what is dangerous? Thinking too hard. Don't think! We haven't! Just give us your credit card details and we'll take care of the rest. Do it before others get ahead of you. Do it because you want it to be true! Do it because you can make it true! You can make this happen by showing us your faith.
Show your faith in this remarkable theoretical machine with just 16 little numbers. That's right, and now the expiration date. Ok, and that little three-digit number on the back.
God bless you! We will be get right back to you at some point soon with more details. What an incredible day!
Now you sir – yes, you – have you considered what an incredible present an Atari box would make for a friend, a girlfriend, a mother, an uncle? ®