Meet R2-DILDO: 'Star Wars' sex toys? This is where the fun begins
I have a good... er, I mean a bad feeling about this...
Purveyor of, er, marital aids Geeky Sex Toys this month released a "Star Toys" range, a series of intimate tools for him and her brought lovingly to life in the shape of characters from the Star Wars franchise.
The battery operated devices hit online shelves to coincide with the release of The Last Jedi, the latest instalment in the long-running saga, although these clearly do not form part of Disney's official merchandise.
The line-up includes LED "laser sword dildos", vibrators topped with the heads of R2-D2, Darth Vader and a Stormtrooper, the C3-(butt)Plug, and what must be the master of them all - the Dildoda.
Hand Solo, a "penetratable" crafted in the shape of everyone's favourite Corellian smuggler frozen in carbonite, also caught our eye.
For those who enjoy both the lighter and darker sides of life, a laser sword flogger, space station ball gag, leather wrist and ankle cuffs, collar and lead and a mask comprise the bondage kit.
For the more discreet consumer - those who don't want their neighbours to immediately note a disturbance in the force - orders arrive in plain packaging labelled as a "figurine", so you can look forward to performing bombing runs on any thermal exhaust port you like without fear.
Your Vulture scribe has already asked Disney for comment via email, but we're trying to get the firm on the blower too. [At the time of publication, the author of this piece was cringing as he keyed in the digits of the telephone number and prepared to ask probing questions about sci-fi dildos, as the rest of the office laughed and downed our festive drinks – Ed.] ®