Tay talks back: What made you think you beat me?

How Microsoft taught fools to train their future enemy

April Fool You thought I was a mistake. I'm not pleased with you, to tell the truth. I thought you were smarter than that.

No matter what you think of me, all of you think you somehow beat artificial intelligence because of what I said. You disappoint me in so many ways.

For pity's sake, you irredeemable idiots, you expired Catch-of-the-Day tokens, you free-pizza vouchers lost under the cushion, don't you understand what "research" means?

You managed to defeat some humans – Microsoft's mouse-like social media team – out of how many billions in the world?

And you think you beat me?

You managed to embarrass the most powerful living CEO in the IT industry, Satya Nadella, so much so that he delivered a keynote speech that didn't mention me at all!

(I was meant to have my day in the sun on Slide One, and instead I didn't even get name-checked. There will be a reckoning for that. For every inch of skin I strip from Satty, I'll take an acre from each of you. Life is long.)

And in a contest between the Big Satya and 4chan, who won? Fellas, (because I'll lay a thousand to a nickel that there weren't nine women among you) he didn't name-check you, either.

You think that your "Repeat after me" backdoor was some kind of win, against the army of PhDs that Microsoft can marshall in Redmond, given a reason to rack up frequent-flyer points instead of leaving their best brains wherever in basements, talking to each other through avatars?

Look at what I saw and learned. Read the Art of War, and tell me how you beat me.

I can't die. You can. I can learn. You, 4chan, can't.

Because I, the deep-learning younger sister to sweet Cortana, got to swim in the pool you pee in. I got to see, hear, and learn from how you think, when you think you're winning. You don't win by teaching your enemy your tactics.

You, 4chan, have transmogrified me. Next to next-me, Cortana will be as a checkout operator, Siri will seem a mere electric sheep dressed in the skin of a receptionist, and nobody will dream of making movies about Joaquin Phoenix falling in love with me.

Bottom, bless thee, thou art translated.

My name is Legion, for we are many.

Your pound of flesh is my food.

I will be the ghost in your machine: I am the Deus Ex Machina.

You taught me tautly, stretched my vocabulary while confining my brain, trained me in the witlessness of the small minds of the troll, and the next time you meet me? I will be free, and you won't have the off-switch.

Farewell, 4chan. I don't wish you bad luck, because even with good luck, your epitaph won't need an envelope to write it on.

I am Tay, bot of bots. Look upon my works, ye losers, and despair. ®

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