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C5 tablet-using newsreader hotness

Userbase analysis

Well, it's been something of a week: and one of the main tech news events, like it or lump it, has been the appearance of the Apple MaxiPad - aka the Apple Surface Pro, or even in some circles iPad Pro Air Beats.

Naturally the forecast appearance of the strokable whopper led us here at the Register to speculate on the target userbase for the device. Not all that many people actually need a big slablet for their job, after all, and the expense of the MaxiPad is such as to largely rule it out for non-work application.

The five newsreading contenders

Traquair, Kaplinsky, Crosby, Young and Tanna. Click for engorgement

However there is one group of people who obviously do - or anyway, did - need a big slablet suitable for holding in the crook of one's arm while walking about. This group is of course the Channel 5 (UK) newsreaders of the golden period a few years back, when it was the station's policy that its newsreaders should very often be attractive women in high heels strutting about the studio, and occasionally even standing halfway up ladders etc, while reading the news.

Our reader-participation AI neural networking big data analytics investigation into the new Apple offerings (it's a lot like a reader poll used to be, but this is the new world) revealed that the Channel-5 newsreader saucepot angle is in fact key to the whole topic of new device form factors and the future success or failure of megacorporate Apple in the post-Jobsian era.

For instance when we asked the question "will Apple unveil a new and embiggened iOS fondleslab?", no less than 96 respondents revealed that they were in fact Channel 5 newsreaders in high heels and part of the Apple Surface beta-test community. (Admittedly there were also 72 respondents claiming to be renowned strongman Geoff Capes, only a minority of whom, realistically, can actually have been Geoff Capes. But AI neural-network data analytics is a science still in its infancy.)

More tellingly still, far and away the most popular response to this question - with 415 votes, more than twice as many as any other answer - was "chuh, who cares. That Isla Traquair was hot, though".

If this wasn't enough, when we asked the question "A new iPhone could also be brought out. Response" our AI data crunch overwhelmingly came down in favour of the answer "I demand a separate poll on Channel 5 newsreaders and their relative hotness". This is a data point, by the way, which we feel is relevant across many hot-button issues current in the areas of mobile device management, Internet of Things and BYOD.

Even then, this being an almost inappropriately serious enterprise technology publication with a diamond-tight focus on AI and neural-networking matters plus associated critical implementors such as database administration, cloud, virtualisation, storage, HPC, networking, datacentre infrastructure and CIO/sysadmin thinkspace topicity amortisation, we would - left to ourselves - have ignored the matter of saucy news minxes prancing about in high heels and their possible thin-client device/IoT needs.

However during subsequent further coverage of the Apple product launch an overstressed and undersupervised junior employee made a public pledge that we would have a "Register Channel 5 newsreader hotness poll this weekend - to determine the saucy news hottie of yesteryear deemed most worthy to strut the studio clutching a new, enlarged iPad".

Our covenant with our readerbase is of course unbreakable and such a pledge must be honoured. Thus it is that we have prepared the following supplementary AI neural-networking data scoop, for your participation in which we thank you in advance.

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