Illinois man steals vibrator, strips naked, attacks Obama

Simple retail theft ends in full-blown political protest

Shutterstock image featuring model who has never to our knowledge stolen a vibrator
or badmouthed Obama. He did get at least semi-naked for this shot, though

An Illinois man cuffed for suspected theft of a sex toy, and who told cops he had "no idea" how a pink Euphoria G-Spot Delight vibrator came to be in his boxer shorts, later recalled quite clearly that he didn't much like the US prez when he "stripped completely naked" in his cell, making "derogatory comments about President Obama", and signing his Miranda Rights consent form with the phrase "Obama is a criminal".

Christopher Hucko had his collar felt last month when he was detained outside the Lovers Lane sex shop in Chicago's Orland Park district. According to the police report, a store employee called in the cops after suspecting Hucko had "put merchandise in his pants" – and sure enough, when four officers swooped as he exited the emporium, one noticed "a large bulge" in the suspect's trouser department.

Asked what exactly he was packing, Hucko replied "my penis," before noting that he had a tattoo of a cherry on his todger and would the officer like to see it?

Subsequent searches of Hucko's person retrieved the aforementioned Euphoria G-Spot Delight (retail value $48), as well as "a small glassine baggie with a green, leafy substance in it" plus "a metal air drive pipe commonly used to smoke cannabis."

Back at Orland Park Police Department, Hucko persisted in denying any knowledge of the vibrator, but apparently freely expounded his political views while wearing no clothes. He was charged with Retail Theft, Possession of Cannabis and Possession of Drug Paraphernalia.

If you must, The Smoking Gun has a mugshot of Hucko here. ®

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