Obsolescence of food is complete: Soylent now comes in bottles
No need to mix your nutri-glorp yourself ever again
Soylent, the startup dedicated to conquering the universally hated ritual of eating food, now offers a version of its protein-rich nutrient gloop in ready-to-drink bottles.
Previous versions of Soylent arrived as powders that you mix with water. That takes time, much like it does to sear a cut of filet mignon lightly on both sides and arrange it on a plate with some potatoes and steamed vegetables.
This new version, dubbed Soylent 2.0 – unlike salads, which do not come with version numbers because they are a thing of the past – comes premixed in 14 ounce bottles, each of which provides 400 calories of nutrition.
"A major step forward, Soylent 2.0 frees customers from crowded lunch lines at fast food restaurants and ends feelings of mid-morning hunger after inadequate breakfasts," the company said in a statement, presumably after sweeping a plate of eggs Benedict into the trash.
Soylent is not in fact people. The company has not obtained a license from the US Food and Drug Administration to produce its alt-food slurry from composted human cadavers.
Instead, Soylent is composed of a mix of soy protein, carbohydrates, and other nutrient-rich ingredients, "with half of its fat energy coming from farm-free, algae sources" – as distinct from a succulent roast chicken, which derives the majority of its fat energy from roast chicken.
Unlike crispy bacon, Soylent 2.0 is available on a subscription basis. Where slices of French baguette smeared with brie cheese would ordinarily need to be created individually and on demand, Soylent will arrive at your doorstep prepackaged and ready to consume, with no action to be taken on your part but to open a bottle and slurp the nourishing goo inside.
Much like fettuccine carbonara festooned with shreds of fresh grated parmesan cheese and paired with a cup of minestrone soup, Soylent 2.0 will sustain your life, allowing you to move through the world without embarrassing episodes of famine-related unconsciousness.
Unlike a fresh trout slathered with butter and baked in parchment paper with mushrooms and shallots, however, a meal of Soylent 2.0 requires no heat and each bottle can remain unrefrigerated for up to one year.
"Avoiding refrigeration and spoilage further reduces the resource consumption of Soylent compared to other dietary staples," the company explained, possibly in a reference to chicken tikka masala with saffron rice, which will spoil if not consumed in one sitting or refrigerated.
Other dietary staples have historically been problematic. For example, Spanish paella, despite producing a mouth-watering aroma that wafts across the room when steaming hot, contains shellfish, to which many people are allergic. Soylent does not. Similarly, while a lentil stew made with onion, garlic, tomatoes, spinach, mint, parsley, and potatoes might be a valid form of vegetarian nutrition, it still requires chewing. Soylent has solved this problem.
The new, premixed Soylent 2.0 is available at a monthly subscription rate of $29 per pack of 12 bottles, which is somewhat cheaper than the equivalent number of bowls of clam chowder (of either the New England or Manhattan variety). Shipments begin on October 15.
For those who are concerned that two months is far longer than it would take to barbecue a Kalua pig, Hawaiian style, Soylent 1.5 powder is still available and ships immediately. ®