Traumatised Reg SPB team barely survives movie unwatchablathon

The vital question as to whether it is humanly possible to watch celluloid trainwrecks Gigli, Pearl Harbor and Battlefield Earth back-to-back was answered last weekend when a crack El Reg Special Projects Bureau squad endured 403 minutes of continuous cinematic outrage and emerged alive, if somewhat shaken.

As part of its pre-unwatchablathon training, the team took in Adam Sandler's indescribably awful Jack and Jill, which rightly swept the 32nd Razzies. The effects of eyeballing that single example of epic ineptitude were serious enough, so it was with justifiable fear that we assembled the trio of movies for the main event.

As you can see, apprentice boffin Katarina and my nephew Matt Haines didn't look exactly thrilled at the prospect of a double header of Ben Affleck followed by John Travolta's Scientology classic. In the event, Katarina was excused duty on the grounds of Gigli's 15 rating, not to mention the potentially irreparable damage her impressionable mind might have suffered through exposure to a critical mass of complete nonsense.

The remainder of our viewing panel, suitably anaesthetised with beer, retired to the living room on Saturday afternoon, fired up the DVD player, and braced for what promised to be a traumatic slog to the bottom of the cutting room bin of history.

Gigli

Ben Affleck and Jennifer "Jenny From The Block" Lopez were an item when this classic was filmed, but their on-screen chemistry resulted only in the malodorous whiff of a real stinker.

Lopez plays a lesbian hit woman, or something, who finds - in common with the Japanese in Pearl Harbor - she must ultimately surrender to chiselled heartthrob Affleck. This involves an invitation to dine the Y with the immortal: "It's turkey time. Gobble, gobble", which prompted jaws hitting the floor and cries of "what the fuck?" followed by a stampede to the fridge for further anaesthetic.

Lopez also suggested she'd be willing to suck Affleck's meaty appendage for some considerable time, but there's no way she can suck as much as this turkey.

Still, the film does boast plenty of Lopez's shapely Latina arse, as she performs some attractive yoga moves while discussing her vagina. A cameo by Al Pacino appears to have been assembled from out-takes from a similarly ill-advised appearance in Jack and Jill, and quite what Christopher Walken's police detective walk-on is about is anybody's guess.

Regarding the plot, you really don't want to know. Co-incidentally, "Gigli" is pronounced like "really", according to Affleck's eponymous character, who's last seen driving off into the sunset with Lopez, on his way to a dateline with destiny at a place they call...

Pearl Harbor

This is what happens when you entrust history to the hands of Michael Bay. Things explode. Battleships roll over and explode. Japanese aircraft are pursued by an enraged Ben Affleck. They explode.

Mind you, not even Bay can fill 176 minutes purely with stuff exploding, so viewers are forced to endure a decidedly non-explosive Affleck/Kate Beckinsale/Josh Hartnett love triangle which ultimately demonstrates the power of love to survive an improbable number of explosions.

Sadly, the same can't be said of the script, marked as it is with diabolical dialogue and a fast-and-loose approach to historical fact. In the course of Pearl Harbor, Affleck manages to fight with the RAF, pursue treacherous Japanese through the skies over Hawaii and finally participate in the 1942 Doolittle raid on Japan, in which the plucky Yanks give it back to Tokyo in a series of impressive - you guessed it - explosions.

The only thing in doubt was whether we'd throw in the towel before the Japanese. Like them, though, we gamely battled on to the bitter end, expecting at any moment Ben Affleck at the controls of the Enola Gay thundering square-jawed over the horizon to deliver the final blow.

And frankly, that would have been a mercy, because our by now battered team still had to confront the horror of...

Battlefield Earth

Yes indeed, we really did save the worst for last. The English language contains an estimated 171,476 words in current use, but not even this impressive total is adequate to explain just what on God's Green Earth Battlefield Earth is about, or why indeed it was ever made.

We might have expected a beer-induced moment of enlightenment, when the meaning of Travolta's aplopcalyptic vision of a world subdued by dreadlocked aliens became apparent.

Sadly, it wasn't to be, despite our best efforts. For some kind of explanation as to how the movie became the yardstick against which all other silver screen nightmares are measured, try screenwriter J D Shapiro's frank apology for the whole debacle.

In summary, take an incomprehensible plot, crap dialogue, terrible special effects and a good measure of input from the Church of Scientology and you've got an absolute winner - if Razzies are what you're after.

Shockingly, however, Battlefield Earth does have one thing in its favour: Ben Affleck isn't in it, and we must be thankful for small mercies.

And so, after six hours and 43 minutes, our shell-shocked squad emerged blinking into the light, shaking slightly and with the terrible knowledge that they could never unsee what they had seen. Our advice to any reader foolishly considering a similar unwatchablathon is simple: Do not try this at home. ®