Yay! Wearables! It's the future! Uh-oh! I'm going to be sick

Internet of Sweatings

Back at the Wearable Technology show, I came across some worthwhile products. The next generation of ultra-lightweight pre-natal baby monitors, for example, are a far cry from the ungainly mesh of mountain climbing straps, loose wires and broken buckles that my wife had to wear in the delivery room. At last, today’s mums-to-be can wear a monitor without even noticing rather than looking like an uncollected item on the Outsize Luggage desk.

There were also some oddities, such as the Emfit QS sleep monitor that slips under your mattress and records breathing, heart rate and movement, as well as, one imagines, every snore and fart throughout the night before presenting you with the results on your iPad in the morning.

The rep on the Emfit stand confirmed that the product is only reliable for er ... how can I put this? ... single-occupancy mattresses. The device is not intended for monitoring the night-time activity of the beast with two backs, although, let’s face it, who wouldn’t be intrigued to see what shagging analytics look like? Emfit is looking for distributors; my money is on Ann Summers.

Talking of rhythmic motion, a great variety of sportswear was on show, from cycling jackets with integrated flashing LEDs to full-body running suits that monitor everything from the impact on your thighs to the chafing of your nuts.

Inevitably, all of these tight-fitting electronic body stockings were designed to hug the figure of an ancient Greek god. Now it doesn’t take too much imagination to see a problem here. I walked up to one of the stand reps and asked whether they sold these training suits in XXL.

“No.”

What’s the product for, then?

“To encourage people to get healthy and track their personal training routine in an efficient manner.”

But you only make the clothing for people with bodies like Greek gods. They’re already healthy. All you’re doing is making fit people buy expensive clothing that tells them they’re fit, which they probably already knew since you don’t make any sportswear for sweaty fat bastards.

And talking of sweat, it’s all very well being dressed up in an electro-suit like any Tron, Dick or Florian, but surely your average workout is going to produce perspiration in the wearer. Can I pop the suit in the washing machine afterwards?

“No.”

Not even a cool cycle?

“No.”

You don’t mean to suggest it’s dry-clean only?

“No. You wipe it clean with a special cloth.”

What? I’m not talking about removing cereal bar crumbs or spilt Lucozade. Speaking for myself, after a bit of gym training, my clothes have the humidity of a towel dropped in a bathtub and the odour of vinegar and cat’s piss. I’m hardly going to get it clean by patting it with a moist hanky. Come to think of it, I’ll probably electrocute myself before I’ve even finished on the rowing machine.

All my whingeing is to no avail. Fashion, not practicality or price, will rule the day. Fashion is why Apple purchased Beats Audio – which is ludicrous when you think about it because Beats was developed by people who think it’s dope to dress like Jimmy Savile.

Not least, fashion is why Apple Watch is going be a marvellous success.

Manufacturers that oozed into the wearables market over the last year have focused on copycat features or tried to scupper their competitors by offering lower cost entry.

Those set to fall over themselves to join in this year, however, will switch priorities from function to fashion. None of the wearable tech products are must-have and practically all of them are don’t-want, but if people think they look right, that’ll be enough for them to break into the big time. You won’t be seeing many ads for them on nerdy websites like The Register but you’ll find plenty in the pages of Vogue and FHM. [Don't forget WiReD - Ed].

Well YOU won’t, of course, unless you’re visiting the dentist.

The whole miserable affair was encapsulated by an Intel stand demonstration at the Wearable Technology show in which a catwalk model stood around looking vaguely embarrassed while dressed in a ridiculous gold ballgown adorned with huge gold butterflies. At a given word, the butterflies waved their wings, died and fell off.

As I stared at the heap of dead butterflies on the floor, the crowd went crazy. Yeah! Whoop! Wearables! It’s the future! Fashion! Dead butterflies! Kill them all, the little fluttering bastards!

Love ’em or hate ’em – oh, all right, you hate them – Apple probably has this wearables market absolutely nailed. Apple Watch isn’t for the likes of you or me. It’s just a bit of high-class frivolity for those with cash to splash and questionable taste in chunky jewellery. They’re probably super fit and healthy too. And who am I to spoil their fun?

Heh. They don’t know me very well, do they? ®