Last year was utter rubbish. Thanks for being part of it!

A great time for natty cyberpunk Kim Jong Un, though

Stay Puft Kim, Stay Puft

It's more likely the Norks had help from friends in China, as the Chinese know a thing or two about computers, having build all of them for the rest of the world

Also, even though a six-year-old armed with a pocket calculator could probably hack into Sony judging from its security failures over the years, it’s doubtful that North Korea could do it. Indeed, would they even want to?

It is inconceivable that any self-respecting North Korean cyberwarrior would regard the great leader with anything but embarrassment. It is a well-known universal fact that everyone around the world wishes their leaders looked and acted like Harrison Ford in Air Force One, so it must be especially galling to have one that looks and acts like Stay Puft The Marshmallow Man.

Much more likely is that they had help from friends in China. The Chinese know a thing or two about computers, and so they bloody well should since they build all of them for the rest of the world.

But social media aside, do the Chinese authorities have any interest in upsetting the western interwebs over a mere movie? China has its own successful, world-class film industry that does jolly well abroad, so the last thing it would want to do is piss off Hollywood just to keep Stay Puft happy.

“Stop it!” yells the great leader. “Stop The Interview!”

“No problem,” replies the Head of the North Korean Democratic Committee for Computer Hacking, Cyber Interference and Women’s Netball. “Just walk out like Barry Gibb did on Clive Anderson", (although possibly without the "tosser" valedictory flourish).

“No, I mean the film,” cries Kim Jong Un as he pulls a lever on his desk, plunging the Committee Head backwards into a pool of sharks and cursing that they only have harmless LEDs on their heads because he sent the Head of Lasers to the "dog house" last week. “You are all useless. I will phone our cousins.”

Half an hour later, a crack team of computer scientists in Beijing have been briefed: hack into Sony Pictures, do some harmless mischief, then scarper. In the meantime, North Korea will do what it does best: talk utter bollocks about ‘retribution’ and ‘consequences’.

“Our retribution will be devastating!” announces the great leader to the world media. “There will be dire consequences for the west!” he adds, in the full knowledge that the only significant economic weapon at his disposal would be to cancel next month’s Emmental order.

He furrows his brow. A group of military men with hats that are too big quake in their boots and try not to attract attention. A dog barks. An LED blinks on a shark’s head.

“Great, we’re in,” observes one of the Chinese hackers. “Now what?” The crack team discusses whether to leave naughty on-screen messages on Sony websites, launch a DDOS attack, or do something else equally futile. A suggestion to delete all copies of The Amazing Spider-Man 2 is rejected on the basis that their remit is to cause mischief to Sony, not to do western cinema goers a favour.

“Nah, just put Exodus on torrent, download cheats for Destiny and forward some emails to Defamer. It’s like WikiLeaks here. Awesome. Go on, use those messages about Angelina Jolie, she’s well mental.”

Job done, they dive out of the system, passing on the way a six-year-old brandishing a pocket calculator. Now the real damage begins... ®

Alistair DabbsAlistair Dabbs is a freelance technology tart, juggling IT journalism, editorial training and digital publishing. He is still planning to publish a collection of his Weekend columns just as soon as he can get his head round VATMOSS, the EU’s most effective tool to date for driving small digital businesses out of business altogether. If this means anything to you, sign the petition.

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