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El Reg's festive dating app guide, Pt. 2: The FEMALE perspective

One lovely chap took me bin-diving

Feature There's no need to be home alone this Christmas. In part one we looked at the male perspective and in this second and final part, Lucy Orr reveals all about the online dating game.

I’m a serial monogamist and part time cougar but it wasn’t until a rather unhappy breakup in 2009 that I even had the slightest inkling that online dating wasn’t just another term for webcam girls or escort agencies. Evidently, I was wrong about that - well, at least on some parts of the web.

You have to give in to a certain level of bureaucracy that the practicalities of online dating involve. First there’s the setting up of an account, selecting a profile picture, then trying to not sound too geeky.

Picking age and body type can be minefields and often people lie. I met one suitor who I have now known for five years but he wouldn’t tell me his age for the first 18 months. I would advise when writing a profile be kind to yourself and always highlight your best features - it’s the qualities you're confident about that will get you noticed.

Lurking on sites without a photo might help you build confidence, but it’s unlikely to get many folk interested in you. And if you do write to someone, the first they’re likely to ask is for a photo, so you’re going to have get round to this sooner or later. Try for something recent rather than the blurry holiday pic that makes you look like a hostage victim.

Your Avatar cartoon by Tim Cordell

Cartoon by Tim Cordell

Alas, one trend that seems a stubborn standard in online dating, is men sending everyone or anyone photos of their private member standing to attention. Trust me there is no angle or lighting that will make a close up your bell-end look attractive. In my opinion this is a no-no for online dating etiquette. There are other sites for that sort of behaviour, if you must.

Back in the world of potential romance, you do need a photo that doesn’t obscure your face, let it be said that the eyes are the window to the soul and covering your face won’t make you sexy and mysterious to prospective dates only raise suspicions that you have some terrible deformity that you are trying to hide. If you put up a nice clear photo, there’s someone out there who will fancy you I guarantee it, and they will fall in love with the hair in your ears and your snaggle teeth.

After picking a photo it’s time to write yourself a byline, I’m always astonished that simply repeating: cider, ferret, pop punk ad infinitum gets me any matches at all! Avoid being aggressive and overly specific or picky. I would say if you know yourself and are confident regarding what you like but willing to compromise you’re in pretty good position for finding, perhaps not the partner of your dreams, but maybe someone with whom it’d be fun to share a pizza and watch a movie. It’s a start, right?

True LOL cartoon by Tim Cordell

Confidence definitely needs to be applied to any online conversations, which I think can be the most awkward part of online dating – taking that first step of writing “Hello” to someone you find attractive. There are plenty of so-called “pick up artist” seminars for approaching wouldbe amours in real life (even with Julien Blanc unwelcome in the UK) but I have found it just as hard approaching someone online. Yet when they reply and want to spend hours chatting with you about comics and Star Wars and even making you smile and laugh, the initial trauma of setting up an account is quickly rewarded.

Next page: Cupid stunts

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