Bong Ventures will NEVER bow down to terrorism: Our Tough Stance in FULL

¡Bong! Ten days ago we disclosed to investors and partners that a huge cyber-attack on Bong Ventures LLC and its subsidiary companies had taken place. This resulted in a catastrophic loss of confidential information, correspondence, strategy documents, and animated movies catering to niche tastes which we only needed for research purposes.

We at BongVentures LLC deplore cyberterrorism. We deplore the acquisition via trickery, and the consequent widespread dispersal of private intellectual property - unless it is via an innovative social sharing and engagement platform in which we have invested, and which we have carefully tailored to ensure that it provides only fresh and relevant targeted behavioural advertising (e.g., “are you ashamed of your penis?”, “Horny MILFS near you!")*.

There can be no negotiation with cyberterrorists.

Or compromises made with cyberterrorists.

However, in order to maintain the safety of BongVentures employees (including my assistant มาลัย (which means "Garland of Flowers" in Thai) we occasionally must announce exciting strategic pivots. And so it is entirely unconnected with any of the above that investors and partners in Bong Ventures LLC may notice some or all of the following:


  • Destruction of all our copies of Team America: World Police.


  • Firing any employees called "Seth".


  • Ritual destruction of all Sony Xperia products, Walkman phones, and TV sets found in the office - to be simulcast live.


  • Conversion of Bong Ventures LLC HQ from carbon neutral energy sources to even-more-sustainable Anthracite coal, of highest quality, imported from DPRK.



  • Replacement of craft microbrew IPAs in our fridges with superior beer, imported from DPRK.


  • Cancellation of all orders for Puyehue mineral water at Bong Ventures and replacement with branded Kangso Yaksu Mineral Water, also rich in minerals, eg Anthracite.


  • Acceleration of key Juche nextification concepts including "Theory of the Immortal Socio-Political Body” as taught to CEO Stephen P Bong on previous visit to DPRK. Thus it is made necessary to modernise internet entrepreneur philosophy.


And with that, I wish you season's greetings, and fraternal wishes from the Holiday Season i.e., DPRK Socialist Constitution Day, Juche 61 (1972) on your Western December 27th!

The Compliance Committee
Bong Ventures LLC. ®

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Steve Bong (official title: Lord Bong of #businessmodel) is the founder of Bong Ventures, an early stage investor and incubator focussing on innovative new technology start-ups based in Shoreditch, London. When he's not helping rear the next generation of business models, Steve enjoys parties and foreign travel, extreme cuisine, Open Data and draws his inspiration from Ayn Rand and His Holiness the 14th Dalai Lama. He advised (then hired) No.10 policy guru Rohan Silva on mindfulness and innovation, Lily Cole on innovation in giving, Mark Zuckerberg on the Perfect IPO, the Republic of Kazakhstan on emergent social media strategies, LOCOG on brand enforcement, and imagineered the Olympic Opening Ceremony with Danny Boyle, Shoreditch's #guardian coffee coffee shop with Jemima Kiss, and was the social media consultant for Edward Snowden and Lady Thatcher’s Funeral. A recent attempt to arm the Syrian rebels with iOS7 sadly failed, however. He emphatically declined to assist the Islamic Caliphate in creating viral and engaging content.

At the personal invitation of Kim Jong Un, he is a strategic consultant on the Nextification of North Korea . Steve wants to pivot the BBC into the 22nd Century, blue-skying its hugely successful Digital Media Initiative, and advises the UK Government on icon design and the new National Curriculum. He favours Small Government but Large Catapults, the Soft Power of Tiny Coding Fingers, and wants more taxpayers to engage in Ambient Crowdsourcing.

* Or improve UK.GOV Digital Service Delivery.




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