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Lonely this Xmas? Nerds, n00bs and no-hopers' guide to dating apps, Pt.1

Of frogs and snails and puppy dogs' tails

Blocking hell

When things go awry, whether a scam, someone who just won't take no for an answer, or a twit who just messages out of the blue to tell you that you're ugly – yep, it happens, sometimes – you need to take action. Women, in particular, can tell some shocking tales of the abuse they're received on dating sites and via apps.

okCupid and Scruff blocking

okCupid and Scruff blocking and flagging options

Most sites have some ways of filtering these people out. You may be able to report them – and sometimes you can specifically say why. Or, more often, you can block them. Sometimes, that just stops them from being able to message you, on other apps, it makes you invisible to them.

And, sometimes, of course, it'll happen to you. Just about everyone I've spoken with has experience of using an app and being inexplicably blocked. You've just established common ground, talked about meeting, and the next message you send is greeted by the message "This member has blocked you." Worse, there are those who'll block you before you even get the chance to say hello. Presumably, they just can't bear the thought of even being looked at by someone they don't fancy. Or they're massive douchebags.

Tinder works round this by not allowing any messaging unless you both like each other, but it's still disconcerting to find that someone's “unmatched” half way through a conversation. There's no denying, either, that your confidence can take a knock when this sort of thing happens.

Filter tips

One of the key ways in which different apps vary is in how you can select which people you get to connect with. Common are options such as age, or distance. Some apps offer a huge range of options – Scruff, for instance allows “Pro” users to specify height and weight ranges, along with a host of other things, including specific interests, though free users have fewer options.

While choices like this can certainly help find the person you think will be the perfect (play)mate, being too specific also offers the risk of ending up feeling that the app is useless, because there's just no one that matches your very picky criteria.

okCupid asks loads of questions – too many, for my liking – to try to find matches. It then rates profiles with a "% friend, % enemy" score. And you can find more matches through a gamified "answer these questions in this time" swipe which appears to owe a little to Tinder, in my view.

Of course, sometimes the apps themselves take things into their own hands. Tinder's “Discovery Preferences” do say "Some match suggestions may not fall within your desired parameters", which is fair enough, up to a point. But while I might like the look of someone who's a few kilometres further away, or a little outside my usual age range, the changes of my changing my choice of plumbing are pretty remote. Nevertheless, be prepared for Tinder to try to make you switch!

Tinder Discovery

Tinder filters (left) don't always pay attention to what you want. Sorry, ladies ... Tinder looking (right) Don’t worry – there'll be some more matches along in a moment

Even distance can be tricky – not all apps make it clear if someone's just visiting, or if there's a new beau in the area. I've often seen someone interesting pop up on the radar, only to find that in fact, they're on the Stansted Express, which runs a few hundred metres away from my flat. It can even be a little disconcerting, when sitting at home, to be told there are three people “just a few steps away.” I was pretty sure I let that guy out of the cellar ...

But does it work?

I've certainly met some interesting people, I've had some disastrous dates, and yes, I found someone for a quick shag on Christmas Day one year. I also found my boss on a kinky hook-up site. I'm really not sure what the etiquette for that is, but it's worth pondering before you sign up.

In Egypt, for example, the police have used apps like Grindr to find and arrest gay men. You won't face the same problem here, but given that most apps ask for a face photo – and you don't get to meet many people without one – think before you sign up. If you're touting a happy relationship around the office and the company gossip sees you on okCupid, things could get awkward!

Think too, before you do decide to take the step from chatting online to meeting. There are the obvious precautions, like meeting in a public space, and some people will want to chat on the phone first. Just make sure you have their number too, in case you have to block it later – 3am texts pleading "do you want to be my boyfriend" can be a little wearing. Personally, I also always make a note in my diary, with the name of a site and the user's name on it. I figure, if I end up in a bin bag in Epping Forest, at least they'll know who did it.

And on that cheery note, come back next week to read about the altogether more wholesome experiences of Lucy Orr. I'm off to find a Satsuma. ®

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