Lonely this Xmas? Nerds, n00bs and no-hopers' guide to dating apps, Pt.1

Prudes on patrol

You may not want to look at naked people, but you'd be surprised how restrictive things can be in the dating world. One site, PlanetRomeo, had its app pulled from the Google Play Store because bare male chests were deemed beyond the pale. Tough luck if you want to show off your gym work.

In some apps, you'll consequently find that some images might be marked as "unavailable" or "too hot to show" and, for Apple users, there's probably no alternative unless there's a matching website. Android users are a little luckier, in that it's fairly simple to install apps from elsewhere.

On Romeo (left) you can be very specific about what you want, but you run the risk of finding no matches if you go over the top. Many sites use features like filters, or extra photos, as a way of persuading you to part with extra cash, offering a basic free service – Scruff (right)

So, for example, two of the largest gay sites, Recon and PlanetRomeo, both have "X" or "Uncut" versions of their apps for direct download, which show you everything. That doesn't, of course, mean that that it's perfectly acceptable to send just anyone pictures of your privates. Trust me, guys – even on a gay site, it makes you look a dick. We all know you have one; if that's what you're proudest of, move on.

Cash cows

Photos are also, on some apps, one of the key ways of extracting extra cash from users. You may be able, for instance, to see only one, or just a handful of pictures, with a free account. Pay and you can see more, or send more private photos. Another common option is to restrict the number of messages you can send, or how many are kept in a conversation. It's worth checking the details carefully, as this can be very frustrating. Say you're just about to firm up the details of a meeting, and the app says "You've reached your daily message limit," you either have to go silent, and look a right tool to the other person, or pay up.

Similarly, a limit on profile views is something you'll find in some apps. That might sound fine, until you try to view their profile again just as someone walks into the pub, only to find out you can't check to see if it's your hot date.

Chatterbox

Lots of people, it must be said, proclaim on their profiles that they're "Looking for friends" or "Chat only". It's odd, then, when they respond that you're not their type; unless they're chatting with only one hand, perhaps.

Talking the talk on Grindr and Scruff – it doesn't all have to be about one thing ...

Needless to say, when it comes to chat, a certain amount of sense and decorum is sensible. If someone doesn't respond right away, that doesn't necessarily mean anything. In fact, some apps and sites are pretty hopeless at recognising when someone's signed off – unless they specifically remember to log out, it's hard to know if they've simply put the app in the background while they do something more important. So, a stream of "Hi", "Are you there?", "Why are you ignoring me?" messages isn't going to do anything other than make you look a teensy bit needy.

Of course, some apps don't help here. Much as Facebook has its poke, some apps provide similar facilities for the tongue-tied to express their interest – but it can get out of hand. Gay app Recon, for instance, lets you “cruise” someone, but at least restricts it to once every 30 days. On Scruff, you can “woof” at people as much as you like – and only paying members can see a list of people to whom they've already done it.

So if you've a bad memory for faces, it's all too easy to forget you've already sent something to someone and appear to be coming on a bit strong. One tip is to use other features to remind you – some apps let you add notes, some let you mark a profile as a favourite, for instance.

When it comes to weeding out the people who really do want to chat, and maybe meet, from the serial "I can't make it" is hard to do, and perhaps you just get a knack. Certainly, after someone's been afflicted by the third untimely death of a grandmother on the day of a scheduled meeting, you might suspect they're just stringing you along.

Most apps such as Grindr (left) will let you send photos and other information via messages – but watch out for daily limits. Is it a game? Tinder (right) even asks 'Keep playing?' after you've found a match

There will be other times, perhaps, when they just are busy – one of my dates took around two years before we finally found a matching space in our diaries. And yes, it was worth it. So, just because someone can't meet your needs immediately, don't assume they're wasting your time.

Remember too, that there will be some who seem too good to be true – there are plenty of dating scams. For example, you might come across who message and ask you to chat elsewhere, because "I hardly check this site". Usually that leads to an invitation to pay-to-view a webcam. Then there are the ones who love you with a fervour that, it seems, can only be sated by obtaining a visa to visit the UK. Or, at the kinkier end of the market, people whose idea of being dominant is to tease with endless chat, while ordering you to send them money by PayPal.