Brit smut slingers shafted by UK censors' stiff new stance

UK smut-makers will be bound by a new set of rules that bans some forms of sexual behavior – but only when viewed from servers in Blighty.

From now on, porno-streaming services in the UK will have to follow the same guidelines as DVDs sold in adult stores across the Queen's realm, which means certain things are out of the question.

Those rules are laid down by the British Board of Film Classification (BBFC) – see page 26 of this PDF. On Monday, they came into effect against websites via the Audiovisual Media Services Regulations 2014.

For a start, the BBFC wants no activities that it classes as life threatening. These could, in theory, include strangulation, fisting, and face-sitting, although it could be argued the latter would require a morbidly obese performer to be truly life-threatening.

Also on the too-naughty-for-Brits list is "the infliction of pain or acts which may cause lasting physical harm, whether real or (in a sexual context) simulated." So that could include spanking, aggressive whipping, and caning. Yes, caning. Which is somewhat odd since such activities are known across the English Channel as 'Le vice anglais'.

Rather bizarrely, female ejaculation is being suppressed while it is still fine to show it when done by men. Watersports, violent penetration with foreign objects, and abusive language are banned, although the BBFC says that in the latter case it may not go hard on producers so long as the pornography is clearly roleplaying.

The new regulations affect pornography produced and streamed within UK borders, so the vast torrent of filth from overseas will remain legal and freely available for one-handed viewers. That's not to say the smut-phobic UK government won’t try and ban that in the future. ®