It’s payback time as humans send a probe up alien body

Behold the hilarious, the stupid and the plain bonkers

My favourite conspiracy theory is that very abrupt media blackout soon after the first landing was because it had sent back a photo of aliens on the surface of the comet. The “bounces” were just cover story to obscure our First Contact, apparently.

Ripley: Insert your own Aliens reference, we just wanted a gratuitous pic of Sigourney Weaver

I’m tempted to ask what kind of idiot alien would be wandering around an otherwise lifeless duck-shaped turd the size of South London, but then I suppose the alien could be excused for wondering the same thing about Philae. In fact, both the alien and Philae might by now be the best of mates, setting off on the lash and are wondering why on 67P/Churyumov-Gerasimenko anyone would be wandering around South London.

Does an alien meeting a three-legged, harpoon-toting robot with a lifespan of 36 hours even count as First Contact anyway? That sounds more like hard sci-fi speed dating. It’s hardly going to create the best impression on that first candlelit dinner, is it? Mind you, Philae’s determination to screw anywhere it can will hurry the evening along, no doubt.

Some of the alien cover-up theories seeped into the mainstream press. The most faithful and least judgemental coverage appeared in The Guardian, choosing to concentrate on the UFO Sightings Daily blog, a website that appears to have been put together by a fan of MySpace back in the late 1990s but is otherwise free of blinking text and blissfully restrained in its use of exclamation marks.

The site zooms in on some white pixels in Rosetta’s hi-res photo of 67P and suggests it’s a flying saucer. Jagged bits of the surface caught in profile are interpreted as artificial structures.

Much of the UFO chatter concerns the revelation that comet 67P has been emitting a radio signal. Now, you might point out that all bodies floating in space do this, which therefore demonstrates that it means nothing. Trying to remain impartial, I am willing to accept that another interpretation is that there are aliens sending whiney and warbly signals from the surface of ALL of them, albeit for no discernible reason.

According to UFO Sightings Daily, the signals are evidence of telepathic communication from greys who are a metre tall and have skin that is tinted brown. They are brown greys. “Is it a message of greetings?” muses blogger Scott Waring. “Or is it a warning of what’s to come?”

My suspicion is that it’s a signal pleading for someone to raise enough money to commission an twelfth series of Red Dwarf so that galactic treasure Craig Charles can be rescued from the indignity of I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here.

Another possibility I’m prepared to entertain is that Criswell was spot on with his predictions and that Ed Wood was an unwitting documentary maker, subconsciously channelling those signals from the comet into shit films. Indeed, Philae’s secretive First Contact could be the event that triggers Plan 9 From Outer Space for real – which, I hope you agree, will cheer things up around here as winter sets in. There’s nothing like a bunch of camp aliens in satin shirts, zombie ex-wrestlers too fat to climb out of their graves and dead over-actors wearing capes to raise the spirits while you stiffen (from fright, of course) as Vampira creeps into your bedroom at midnight.

Plan 9 From Outer Space (1959)

More than any of these UFO theories, the ESA’s fabulous achievement fills me with a wonderful recognition of the irony of the whole situation. After generations of being on the receiving end, the human race has at last been successful in sending a probe up an alien body. 67P won’t be riding a bicycle for weeks after this.

Stick your finger, ET: it’s payback time.