iPhone 6: Most exquisite MOBILE? No. It is the Most Exquisite THING. EVER

More beautiful than a unicorn, or a baby's smile

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Stephen Pie We had certain unavoidable production issues with this piece from our occasional "tech guru" Stephen Pie. Rather as plainly happened in the case of Stephen Fry - any other similarity between the two is purely coincidental - Mr Pie's thoughts on the iPhone 6 have had to be published almost completely without benefit of sub-editing or other polishing. Our apologies. - Ed.

Ever since 1995, when I bought my first Apple Newton, through the dark early late-nineties and mid late-nineties, when the company had all but 99 per cent of the electric notepad thingy market, I have developed an incredibly thick skin when it comes to Apple-haters. I'm like a kind of Apple-loving hippopotamus. Or rhino.

I could fill this entire article with broken links to old party poops: "What's the point of a Newton?"; "The LISA is bollocks"; "huh, the 20th anniversary Macintosh is just a big Macintosh" (right, and a hot tub full of poo is just a big toilet!) "how awful it is the way workers who make Apple stuff are treated" - and nobody ever mentions all the other companies who use the same factories but don't then slap an enormous markup on the products and keep it all themselves.

I ADORE all the other mobile things, like, er, Android. And, Windows? Obviously not to the point where I publicly hump their leg as I do with Apple, or even so much that I mention them ever. Or know what they are if I'm honest. But the more things there are for poor people, the richer I look! I certainly haven't ever thought anyone was pretentious for owning <chuck in a couple of crap phones here, Roberto>. Well, because it isn't, is it? But when it comes to Apple, choh, some people say "baa, fanbois are sheep, they just do what the other fanbois do" and some different people say "most people aren't fanbois, so far more Samsungs get sold". Well you CAN'T HAVE IT BOTH WAYS DAHLINGS!!! THOSE THINGS LIKE TOTALLY CONTRADICT EACH OTHERR!!!!!

Hm, well. Anyway. Ooh, I am SO THICK skinned.

ANYWAY Apple doesn't need to be first with things, does it? Being first isn't the point, being the BEST is. The Pippin wasn't the first games console, the Newton wasn't the first PDA, was it? No. Point made I think, darlings ... With the iPhone, Apple wasn't first either, but the heartbreakingly dead staggering genius Steve Jobs - the most important man ever to live on Earth, as I was the only one with the courage to point out - wanted to wait until he could achieve perfection. People have forgotten just how late the first iPhone arrived and how utterly, superbly different it was to the rushed efforts of those who had gone before. It was free of defects: in fact it was free of everything. It had no 3G, no GPS, no multitasking, no copy-paste, no card slot, no swappable battery, no file system access, and - this was the totally unique Apple differentiator - absolutely no way of installing software on it without paying money to Apple, which is only right and proper after all they did make the phone darling. Being worst isn't the point, being last is! <Ha - good. One for the files, Roberto!>

The 6 is 3.26½ millicubits measured on the bias, the 6 Plus is 4.313, yet both are lighter than the 5s which was 2.71 in size [We think Mr Pie is trying to say that the new iPhones are bigger but also lighter than the old one - Ed]. That has never been done! <Just quickly check in case it has Roberto> Personal fitness is becoming a big issue, I for one no longer have the strength to lift a 5S, so the new lightening is life-changingly important. And now that I can move again without the weight of my phone driving me to my knees, the new barometer bundled health app will be able to distinguish height, climbs, and stairs as well as all the other sporty parameters. Oh yes - height, climbs and stairs. Sporty parameters. That's what those are.

Erm, right. Err ...

Ah! These phones - they come in "silver" (not actually silver), "gold" (not gold) or space grey (ah! the infinite greyness of space!) - are utterly, truly, superbly gorgeous to your eye, your hand, your tongue or frankly wherever in your body you insert, lick or rub yourself against them. They have iOS 8 which is quite simply an infinite leap forward on iOS 7. Even though that was perfect. And, stunningly - no, blessedly - it is actually possible to upgrade some previous devices to this version. That, also, has never been done by any other company throughout time. <Roberto? Again>

They are from the <superlative + superlative> Jony - who has masterfully roped-in a stunning young genius whom you haven't heard of because you are just a peasant and were not at the launch as I was - darlings, I was trying to spray some of my disgusting fluid all over Puff Diddly but got it on him instead! - anyway they are both of absolutely exquisite dimensions, heft and feel. I have played with both for a week - exhausting! - and cannot decide which I would keep.

Anyway back to the phones. Under the bonnet you will find the ravishing Retina HD Air Pro display. Well, maybe that isn't exactly under the bonnet as such. On top of the bonnet? Maybe it is the bonnet, kinda. Tra-la! Whatever, the big one - <superlative>ly! - has more pixels (don't ask me how many, I can't be arsed) rather than just making the pixels bigger to fill up the screen so that it looks shit the way I would expect. SO clever! There's also full HD video allowing a <superlative>ly cool "720p" slowmo that will make Matrix Revolutionary directors of us all. At 4.313 - it's worth repeating that number, I only wrote two down - the "Plus" is ideal for my freakishly vast hands or those who may have six fingers like my good friend the heroic albino freedom fighter Mr Julian Assange™, but then for most of the little people I would recommend the "6". I now type faster on each, which I wouldn't have thought possible. Because I was already the fastest typist in the world.

Even though Apple waited until the keyboard word-prediction thing was perfect before they released it, because that is what they do, it can only improve <just look up the definition of the word "perfect" Roberto will you, I have a vague sense of unease> as companies I have heard about because I am a technology guru, so hugely successful, improve it with their euphuistic pleonasm implementations which will permit you to sound like you are anyone from a dead white literature guy to a huphop rap dadster. There's barely space for me to randomly change subject in mid-paragraph again and mention the way it can do calls on WiFi and change over to "Voiceover LTE" (I happen to be an expert on Voiceover) which is trouser-meltingly exciting because mobile calls have absolutely never before been handed over from one "station" to another or among different kinds of "wireless".

It only needs for me to leave, erm, that is - this thing only lack for my to departure - fuck it. [I will conclude by offering -Ed] the confident prediction that these phones will prove through sales, because that is how you prove things, to be not just the best and most exquisite mobile technology ever yet produced - bollocks to that, that's simply not enough - Right. These phones will prove by sales to be the best, the most brilliant, the crowning, ultimate, gloriously superb splendid orgasmic pinnacle of achievement, not just of the shitty human race but of God Himself in all of the universe - no, all Gods and all Gods-of-Gods, of all universes - throughout space and time and other dimensions as yet unknown to infinity and beyond. The Taj Mahal is a crock of shit; Helen of Troy was a total munter; the Sistine fucking Chapel is a teenager's bedroom poster of a bird playing tennis with no pants on, now. A million billion alien races probably exist out there in the universe but WHO THE FUCK CARES because THEY DON'T HAVE THE iPHONE 6.

Nothing is, has ever been or ever will be as good as these phones. I would rather look at them than watch my firstborn child smile for the first time. I would rather touch them than stroke a unicorn fashioned out of a giant living self-aware diamond or dance on a hyperspace rainbow in heaven with a chorus of triple-breasted supermodels wearing pants made of liquid gold to the music of an orchestra of detonating supernovas conducted by fucking Mozart.

Get an iPhone 6 and then fucking kill yourself - if possible blow up the entire world and space and kill everyone else too - go back in time and kill your parents so that you will never have been born - because nothing will ever be worthwhile enough to ever have existed after that moment ever again.

That's MY consumer advice today.

So sue me if I'm wrong, watch this space, tra la. <Is that enough now? Do another word count Roberto will you> ®

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