Waving an Eye-of-Sauron pulsating mock cock? Stop immediately
Mains-powered sex aid recalled ... Ultimate O turns into ultimate Oh no
NSFW Ann Summers has declared one of its vibrators is NSFW - and the last letter doesn't stand for working.
The High Street sex shop chain has recalled its range of Ultimate O sex toys over fears that power supplies may be faulty.
Anyone who purchased one of the pink pleasure-givers can return it to Ann Summers for a refund.
"Please unplug and stop using the product immediately," the manufacturer warned anyone who happened to be surfing the Trading Standards website while entertaining themselves. "Return both the product AND the charger.
"It has come to our attention that there may be a fault in some of the chargers for this product. As a precaution, we're recalling the product and would like to give you a full refund."
Only people who bought their vibrator on or before 24 May need to return it, the sex store's supremos added.
A quick (and furtive) look on the Ann Summers website reveals that the Ultimate O comes in pink and looks like a set of cow udders, or perhaps a rubber glove designed for three-fingered dishwashers.
The designers at Ann Summers, who've got a pretty amazing job all things considered, teamed up with gynecological experts to create the device, which is described as the "ultimate clitoral stimulator". The product description added:
"Made from beautifully smooth premium silicone, the Ultimate O is designed to encompass and stimulate your entire 'outside pleasure area', and the centre finger gives intensely powerful sensations when pressed down directly onto your clitoris. There's plenty to play around with too, as it comes with several vibrating settings and intensities to choose from, so you can find your perfect rhythm.
"It's also incredibly easy to use as all the vibrations are controlled by a single LED button at the base. And it's completely rechargeable too, so no need for batteries! The Ultimate O is also whisper quiet, totally body-safe, and comes with a recharging cable and plug."
The website is also full of testimonies from people who've hit the jackpot after buying the device. After all, whenever the Ultimate O is whipped out, there's bound to be electricity in the air. ®
On the general theme of destroying rings, Vulture Central's backroom gremlins noticed that the Ultimate O appears to have been inspired by Tolkien architecture from the upper slopes of Mordor.