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BOFH: The poncy director's cut
I smell a BAFTA... no, wait, that's just burning
Episode 6
EXT: COUNTRYSIDE
A lush pasture with snow-capped mountains in the distance. A fluffy white rabbit hops into shot, stops and nibbles on some grass.
[Dissolve to...]
INT: BOSS'S OFFICE
The BASTARD, PFY and BOSS are clustered around the screen of the Boss's desktop machine.
PFY
See, he just pushes his machine off the desk!
BASTARD
And 20 minutes later so does that guy.
BOSS
So this footage - it's just showing four of the company's financial people deliberately destroying their workstations?
PFY
Yes! But that's not all - about ten other machines in the building were damaged the same way in the past 24 hours!
BOSS
Any idea why they'd do it?
PFY
No.
BOSS
Or why they'd all choose to do it on the same day?
PFY
None whatsoever.
INT: PUB
[caption: 'Last Friday night']
The PFY, very much the worse for wear, is at the bar. Beside him is a BEANCOUNTER, looking nervous.
PFY (shouting, slurred)
I'M TELLING YOU, JUST PUSH IT OFF YOUR DESK! NO ONE'S GOING TO BELIEVE YOU DID IT ON PURPOSE! EVEN IF THEY SEE YOU DO IT, NO ONE'S GOING TO BELIEVE IT WAS DELIBERATE!
BEANCOUNTER
Yes, well, thank you, I suppose, I'll certainly...
INT: BOSS'S OFFICE
PFY (blankly)
Nope. No idea at all.
INT: PUB
PFY
JUST DO IT! LIKE THE SHOES! JUST PUSH THE MACHINE OFF THE DESK! HONESTLY, NO ONE REALLY THINKS YOU'D DO IT. AND WHEN IT'S BROKEN THEY'LL HAVE TO REPLACE IT - IT'S NOT LIKE THEY'LL REPAIR THEM!
INT: BOSS'S OFFICE
BOSS
We'll have to repair them.
BASTARD
Beg pardon?
BOSS
We'll have to repair them.
BASTARD
But they're crapped out P4s!
BOSS
That may be, but they still have an expected lifetime.
PFY
The same could be said about you - but we wouldn’t put money on it...
BOSS
Pardon?
PFY
Nothing.
BASTARD
But we don't have time to repair them!
BOSS
Perhaps you could teach your users to repair them?
PFY
You mean teach users something?
BOSS
Yes.
PFY
Teach them to take the covers off a box?
BOSS
Yes.
PFY
You know that’s a bad idea, right?
BOSS
How bad could it be?
INT: MEETING ROOM
Six beancounters stand behind tables on which their desktop machines are standing. The PFY addresses them.
PFY
OK, so the first thing we’re going to get you to do is to take the covers off your machines. So make sure that your machine is orientated so that the serial ports are at the lowest point...
BEANCOUNTER
What’s a serial port?
The PFY sighs deeply.
[Fade to 10 minutes later]
PFY
OK, so we’ve now found the serial ports on everyone’s machines and started undoing the screws holding the top panel in. We’ve also discovered the screws holding the power supply in, the nuts holding the serial port in, and one of you managed to undo two of the screws holding your desk together. So we’re making progress. Now, before we take the top panel off, what should we do?
BEANCOUNTER
Draw an arrow on the lid to show which way it goes back on again.
PFY
Or we could just remember sticky label is at the front?
BEANCOUNTER
Oh.
PFY
Anything else?
BEANCOUNTER
Ah...
PFY
Yes?
BEANCOUNTER
Er... protect the machine from static electricity?
PFY
Very good – if your intention was to make sure that your machine was able to be repaired. If, however, your intention was to make your machine unrepairable we probably wouldn’t do that. We also wouldn’t make sure that the voltage selector was on 240 and not accidentally set to 115 – for those of you with a power supply with a switch on it. Anything else we wouldn’t do?
BEANCOUNTER
We... wouldn’t not spill liquids inside the machine.
SECOND BEANCOUNTER (excitedly)
We wouldn’t drop it on the floor again?!!
PFY
That’s right, we wouldn’t not drop it on the floor again. Only this time you need to all do it at the same time so that it doesn’t look orchestrated.
THIRD BEANCOUNTER
But if we all do it at the same time wouldn’t it look even more like it were orchestrated?
PFY
Ordinarily, yes – which is why I brought this with me...
The PFY opens a small box and removes a roll of uninsulated copper wire.
INT: CORRIDOR OUTSIDE THE MEETING ROOM
Suddenly the building lights go out and the battery power EXIT lamp light in the hallway illuminates. A tiny wisp of smoke trickles under the bottom of the door.
INT: BOSS’S OFFICE
The PFY, BASTARD and Boss look at each other.
PFY
There’s been a terrible accident!
BASTARD
So the room’s free then?
PFY
It will be after lunch. I’ve got one more class. What’s on the menu?
BASTARD
Rabbit pie, I think...
Biting the hand that feeds IT
