London battles fire-breathing black cabs
TX4 uprising contained - for now
RoTM Transport for London last week announced the temporary withdrawal of 500 black cabs following eight spontaneous combustion events in three months - the first incendiary transportation incidents in the capital since Red Ken Livingstone's removal from office apparently contained the fire-breathing vehicle menace.
Sadly not. TfL was moved to act on Wednesday hours after the last taxi bonfire claimed another TX4-type cab with a 56 registration. It ordered all similar Hackney carriages to "undergo safety checks" at manufacturer LTI in Coventry.
A TfL spokesman told the BBC: "This is not a step we take lightly, but we cannot take any chances with the lives of London's taxi drivers or their passengers. Licences will only be reinstated once LTI have certified that individual vehicles have received a safety check."
Bob Oddy, general secretary of the Licensed Taxi Drivers' Association, told the Beeb: "The drivers I've spoken to, who were personally involved, haven't had any passengers in their cabs. They had plenty of time to get out of their cabs before the vehicles flared up. Some of the reports have implied that they're flaring up very quickly. That's not really the case."
Those who you who might be thinking at this point that we at the neoLuddite Resistance Army have taken our eyes off the ball on this one, think again.
Two weeks ago, we were contacted by someone claiming to be a black cabbie with first-hand knowledge of a planned uprising by the TX4. Naturally, we were sceptical, but his answer to our challenge "What's the best way to take two American tourists from Trafalgar Square to The Strand?" - to which he replied: "Via Tower Hill, Bow, Romford, Dartford River Crossing, Greenwich", etc, etc - proved that he was indeed a master of The Knowledge and we awaited further information with bated breath.
None was forthcoming, as our informant then went silent. Fear, or an unscheduled ride in a satanic Renault? You decide.
Whatever the case, TfL has clearly moved with lightning speed to contain the threat. We'd like to believe that mayor Boris Johnson played no small part in this, since until now we had no evidence the Tory blond bombshell was a Lizard Alliance puppet controlled by an exploding cranial implant from the offworld mothership.
However, the BBC notes that, in the light of the TX4 terror, the London Assembly's Labour Group insists he should "now reconsider his proposals to reduce taxi inspections from twice to once a year". Ahem. NRA London cadres are hereby placed on Defcon Laguna* and asked to closely monitor Johnson for further "liberalisation" of vehicle safety regulations. ®
* Those Defcons in full
- Segway - no immediate threat, proceed to nearest pub.
- Warwick - futurologizing cyberpundit alert.
- Dyson - isolated killer hoover attack.
- Laguna - Satanic Renault menace.
- Armageddon - kamikaze domestic devices and self-replicating apocalypse cubes.
- Schwarzenegger - 98 per cent likelihood of a full-blown hoover uprising within the next 24 hours coupled to an all-out attack of Citroen C4s supported by self-combusting bendy buses and rat-brain-controlled stealth aircraft.
The Rise of the Machines™
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Cyberloo blast rocks Stoke-on-Trent (10 February 2004)
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Hi-tech toilet swallows woman (17 April 2001)
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