Wanted: seasoned w**nkers for online ejaculation pole

Yes, we know: we shouldn't be giving the following story the time of day. Worse still, we should in fact be expressing our righteous indignation that sex toy e-outfit LoveHoney.co.uk (purveyor of the popular backless thong) is running an online poll to determine exactly how long it takes the average male onanist to achieve explosive satisfaction.

But you know how it is; slow news day, new blade servers a bit thin on the ground, hot Linux boxes hard to come by, etc, etc. And, lamentably, we find ourselves perversely attracted to what must rate as the most in-your-face internet promotion of all time. Read on:

Yeehaw – howdy Pardners! LoveHoney.co.uk has come up with the Stroke 29 Shoot Out Survey, to compile a study of current trends in one-handed hoedowns across the UK, whilst attempting to compile the first ever Average Strokes To Cum (ASTC) Index. And the survey needs YOUR help…

The survey involves using Stroke 29: a male masturbation cream that heats up from repetitive stroking. The texture supposedly transforms at around the twenty-ninth stroke to simulate the sensation of aroused human tissue. The makers of Stroke 29 claim it lasts longer than the user, and the survey aims to test this theory, whilst staging a historic investigation into the oldest form of solo male entertainment in the world.

Participants are promised a great hand-job and free lube for their efforts, whilst contributing to a vital sex study, simply by liquidising their assets via a five knuckle shuffle. By signing up with the online form participants will register to receive their free sample of Stroke 29 cream. Once they receive the sachet, they can then carry out the important anonymous research for this prestigious study. So are you waiting for? May the Stroke be with you…

For the love of all that's Holy. Seasoned wankers can participate in this ground-breaking strokefest right here. But please - wait until you get home. ®