RFID chips are the mark of the beast: official

Black helicopter alert We have just received breathless confirmation of two facts that we at Vulture Central had suspected for some time: RFID chips are the mark of the beast and Tom Cruise is a Satanist whose pact with the Lord of the Flies has given him fabulous wealth, fame and the power to attract any women on the planet despite being only 4'3" tall.

Not convinced? Well, that's the word on the street according to The Resistance Manifesto - a Christian outfit whose skies are packed to bursting with dire portents and black helicopters.

For example, did you know that "the terrorist attacks on September 11th were not an 'intelligence failure' as the official story states. The attacks were not only allowed to happen as a pretext, or a reason to get the population behind the war, but the hijackers were assets of the CIA, just like Osama Bin Laden. President Bush signed Presidential Decision Directive W199i, pulling FBI agents off of the suspected terrorists, ensuring they could continue their work, and the treason gets worse..."

Yes it does:

Aside from a pretext to the war on terror and the war in Iraq, the events have since been used to instill a sense of fear in the American people, and are being used to create a Police State in America, circumventing the constitution, and using RFIDs, VeriChip, and security cameras to keep track of every person.

Well, we don't think David Blunkett and Charles Clarke can argue with that analysis, but where does Satan fit into all of this? Here's an excerpt from a Resistance Manifesto press release we received yesterday:

Christians across the country are calling for a boycott of the VeriChip implantable microchip, now becoming popular in the U.S., calling it "the mark of the Beast" as referred to in the Bible. The VeriChip is planned to rapidly replace credit and debit cards, as well as traditional forms of identification. Could Revelation 13:16-18 have been any more specific? "And he causeth all, both small and great, rich and poor, free and bond, to receive a mark in their right hand, or in their foreheads, and that no man might buy or sell, save he that had the mark or the name of the beast, or the number of his name."

Chilling stuff. The man behind The Resistance Manifesto is none other than John Conner. We don't need to explain to seasoned neoLuddite Resistance Army (NRA) comrades the significance of that name. Conner lays out his stall thus:

With the release of VeriChip, the Pandora's box of the mark of the Beast, and the world rapidly advancing towards a one world governed, cashless, privacyless world, it is time to stand together in these end days. The Resistance Manifesto is a shocking analysis of Satanic influences in America today. Included are Chapters on the Georgia Guidestons, a mysterious 25 year old occult monument, and examinations of the Church of Satan, the Temple of Set, the Illuminati, and a detailed history of the VeriChip, RFIDs and the mark of the Beast.

We reckon that just about covers it, although Conner seems to have missed out the fun-loving Rosicrucian Order from this litany of fear. And what about the Scientologists, eh? Where do they fit in to this monstrous global conspiracy?

Fear ye not, Conner has that covered, too. In a separate press release issued yesterday, the man himself asserts:

The best kept secrets of Scientology are that humans came from space aliens, and that Lucifer, or Satan is god. These secrets are not revealed to members until they have paid an enormous amount of money, and have proven themselves to be dedicated to the cult.

So where does that leave "Top Gun"? Try this:

Yes, Tom Cruise worships Satan. I don't say this as an insult, or as an ad hominem attack. I seriously and literally mean he worships Satan. In the Garden of Eden, Satan said if Man took the forbidden fruit that he would become just like god, actually becoming equal to God, and that is what these people believe. They believe they themselves, are gods.

Crikey. Conner and Cruise do agree on one thing, though, as the former explains: "I do agree that prescription drugs are being pushed onto our children, and the population at large as a quick fix for their problems, when the source of those problems often goes unexamined."

So, while the Bible-waving hoards of Jesus and the mephistopholean forces of darkness work out a joint plan to tackle the burgeoning prescription drug issue, Conner and "legions of others" will continue to give forth at churches and Bible studies, thereby "bringing awareness to the Orwellian influences in America and emerging technology".

Actually, Conner has a legitimate point. While we would like to make it very clear to VeriChip and Tom Cruise (or rather their lawyers) that we do not believe they have at any time kissed Satan's buttocks, Conner's assertions that "the invasion of RFIDs carry enormous threats to privacy and many other security concerns", and "these devices are not a cure-all to security as touted by their manufacturers and supporters", will find favour with many.

One final point: use of the word "Orwellian" may not be appropriate here. Eric Blair was a Godless, Commie pinko faggot if ever there was one. He probably worshipped Satan, too. ®

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