BOFH: Lucky in computing...

Episode 16 It may be true what they say about being lucky in computing and unlucky in love.

Sigh.

Of course it might just be me saying that but still there's the odd shred of evidence to support it. Take the PFY for instance, who's as lucky in love as Grace Kelly is at cornering. Sure, he can semi-regularly win Spider with four suits but he still can't manage to hold onto a woman between pay cheques.

It can all be a bit depressing for the lad and as both a bystander and a friend I feel obliged to help him out in his time of misery.

"GET HARD YA BIG JESSIE!" I shout, playing the tough love card. "You don't see me moping around the place like a Mac geek at a TechNet gathering!"

"That would be because you and your missus are still seeing each other," the PFY whines pathetically.

"Now, now, you have no proof that the break-up was anything but an ordinary relationship that had simply run its course. Sure, she does spend a bit of her free time with her supervisor, but there's no reason to put two and two together and come up with 69. There may be a perfectly logical explanation for her absences."

"Sure," the PFY says, not believing a word of it.

"Look, you're just being paranoid!" I say. "There's a bound to be some perfectly innocent reason for her spending time in her boss' company."

"Oh yeah, and what's that?"

"I'm putting my money on it being work hours - when she's supposed to be at work?"

"Yeah, it's all a little too bloody convenient!" he snaps.

I can see that I'm going to get nowhere with the PFY and that this is some deeply ingrained upset that may need some special handling.

"Ok, before you get a little too off tangent have you done all the normal post-mortem relationship things?"

"What do you mean?"

"Run conversations back through your mind looking for warning signs, replayed old arguments looking for the straw that broke the camel's back or rifled through her email looking for the confirmation of a hotel reservation - by the hour?"

"I..."

"Right, so you've done all that - and there's no actual evidence?"

"No, but that doesn't mean..."

"Doesn't mean you're not being a little paranoid. Tell you what, why don't we get an expert opinion?"

"Who?"

"The other half - she's bound to know what's been going on."

. . . A couple of calls later . . .

"Ok, so the PFY's got a little problem in love and he'd like you to diagnose what may have caused the problem, and whether his ex is actually seeing someone else."

"Uh-huh," Karen says. "So what happened?"

"She just said she didn't think it was working out."

"When?"

"Monday morning."

"And you didn't talk about it the night before?"

"No, I was playing on the PS2."

"Ok, but what about in the weekend"

"I was at the Robot Destroyer challenge most of Saturday, and Sunday I was helping cleanup after the Robot Destroyer challenge."

"Ok, when was the last time you talked to her?"

"Thursday night."

"And what did you talk about?"

"What she should pick me up at the curry house on the way home."

"And you didn't talk when she got home?"

"I WAS EATING A CURRY!"

"What about after the curry?"

"I'm not sure; I was trolleyed by then because I'd had 10 beers to get the vindaloo down."

"Right. Okay, what about the night before that?"

"Had a Phal - and 12 lagers. And some ice."

"And the night before that?"

"She had some birds' night out and I had a Rogan Josh. And five lagers."

"Okay, well don't take this the wrong way, but I think I know what your problem is."

"Mmm?"

"You're not getting enough Naan bread," I say, interrupting with the solution. "More Naan, less heat, then you can save the beers for afters."

"Oh yeah!" the PFY smiles.

"I WAS GOING TO SAY," Karen interrupts, "that perhaps the problem is that weren't spending any QUALITY time with your ex, and any time you did spend with her you were drunk or asleep - neither of which are attractive in a partner!"

"I..." the PFY says in his defence.

"She has a point," I say. "So what I think you should do, is send her some flowers."

"Uh-huh," Karen agrees.

"Apologise in person the next day..."

"Mmmm."

"Say you've been a fool and perhaps you should start things on a clean slate..."

"Yes..." Karen adds

"And if she stoops to allow you a second chance you should shower her with gifts, attention and quality time so that she realises that you're a diamond in the rough and that she really is lucky to be with the new you."

"YES!" Karen nods approvingly.

"Then you dump her like the Boss-shagging piece of trash that she is!"

So it IS true what they say about being lucky in computing but unlucky in love. Something my testicles will be reminding me of until well after Karen's cleared her stuff out of my gaff then trashed the place - as an example to others...

Sigh. ®

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