The BOFH Desidoreplicator
Not really an episode but No. 10BOFH 2002: Not really an Episode but 10
The following text was found carved into the back of a Commodore CBM Business machine, dated 1-Sep-1970
Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in pressing the UPS SHUTDOWN button.
As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons
- Even the helpdesk
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and when that fails, use the ZX81 method of punching information into people repeatedly.
Listen to others, even to the dull and ignorant;
for you too may be a Manager some day.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons;
especially if they have business cards but no entertainment budget.
If you compare your processor with others, you'll get bitter and twisted
as there's always a faster processor on the market.
(for you to steal from the Boss's machine when he buys it)
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans -
Doubly so for the those that no-one knows about.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble,
but always lie on your C.V.
Exercise caution in your Equipment Purchases,
For Vendors are full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
Many persons strive for high ideals -
Right up until they sell out.
Especially, do not feign respect for technical incompetance.
Neither be cynical about Benchmarking;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantement,
they don't mean anything anyway.
Take kindly the counsel of the years,
but limit your intake of "When I worked with PDPs" stories.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you when the excrement and cooling device meet.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
That's the Boss's job.
Many fears are born of stupidity and ignorance -
Which you should be feeding with rumour and generalisation.
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself,
but not too gentle when browsing porn.
You know what I mean.
You are a child of the Internet, no less an ICQer than others
You have a RIGHT to your opinion,
Even if it is crap.
And whether or not it is clear to you, someone's broken into your machine
and replacing your porn with Mandelbrot images.
Therefore be at peace with Computing,
Whichever platform you run or operating system you use.
Even if it is Microsoft.
Even if you forked out for Software Assurance
Even if you thought Open meant Open.
And whatever your trials and tribulations,
in the noisy confusion of life, remember to get enough sleep.
A talk by Richard Stallman is good for this.
With all its limited download speeds, inflated specs and broken promises,
it is still a reasonable experience mainly.
Be cheerful. Strive to be happy
Oh, and we just set fire to your desktop.