RU lonesum tonite?

The other night I decided to set out in search of wild text love. Would the boys be able to handle it? SexKitten, 32, a bit tattered round the ears, was ready for action. Or at least, a chat about gardening and a nice cup of tea.

One of the first people I met on my travels was 'Lara', a game girl. According to the Natachata website, www.natachata.com, 'Leggy Lara tops up her student grant by text-chatting. Lara can be very rude!'

I had a chat with her and I reckon she's really a bunch of blokes with beards. Anyway, she's a guy thing, so I tried WasNiceKnowingYou.com, a dating and dumping web site. You read people's entries and then text them via the site.

I considered DisqueBleu, 36, from London, whose entry on the web site WasNiceKnowingYou.com reads: 'YOU big tits, slinky hips ME DESPERATELY looking for these in a rich heiress whose father is terminally ill... if this is you, then you know what to do after the beep so DO IT!'

That's the kind of offer a girl can't refuse. Then there's Imp, 30, from London, whose description of himself reads: 'Tall, dark hair, charming, handsome and f**ks like a tiger'.

But I think I'd choose the quiet type: George, 32, sticks pretty much to the point: 'Live/work in Reading'. That seems to be it for George. I suppose it says a lot about Reading really.

Planning to contact George later, I tried texting Genie Flirt by sending Flirt to 8998. In short order I got a message back asking for my age and sex, so I sent back Girl 19 (who's counting). Genie told me in reply: 'Boy 20 is flirting with you! On your first date, how should he/she be? A) Talkative B) Listening C) Funny. Send A, B or C within 2 mins!'

Mad about Boy 20
Flattered by Boy 20's interest, I tried to message back within the time spent, but missed the deadline. 'Genie told me: 'You failed to reply to the question from Boy 20 within two minutes. Send Flirt for another flirt, or wait for a flirt.'

I sent Flirt, only to receive the reply:
'Sorry, all the other flirters are busy in other flirts right now. Wait for someone to flirt with you or send Flirt again a bit later.'

All this flirting was starting to make me feel a little dizzy. And when love lets you down, it's your friends you turn to. So I trotted along to Rabbit-On.com, a web site providing Light Relief For Ladies. The best service on the site is Freak Out A Friend: 'Why not freak out a friend by hiring one of our delightful virtual pals who will astonish them with saucy anonymous text messages over the next few days?'

Hire a bunny boiler
For the fellas, you can hire a Boss Lady, Bunny Boiler, Fat Slag or Dominatrix.

For a laydee, you've got Office Pest, Mr Perfect, Sex Pest and Typical Bloke.

I chose Mr Perfect and my female office pal was bemused to receive the first of several mystery messages, this one reading 'The flowers were from me darling. I'll be home soon xxx'.

I was ready for the fray again. Off to Itextu.com, where I quickly got back a message saying 'Hard-On wants to flirt with you'. Cripes. Bravely I texted back: 'Hard-On you want sweet lovin no strings?' but apparently he didn't as he made no reply. What more can a girl offer, I wondered.

Meanwhile, Boy 20 hadn't texted me, my pal Helen wasn't talking to me any more after finding out that Mr Perfect didn't exist, and I still hadn't figured out a good way to get in touch with gorgeous George of Reading. Fortunately, at this point the kettle boiled. And when love lets you down and you've got no friends any more, there's always a spot of gardening and a cup of tea.

Perdita Patterson is the editor of What Mobile

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