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BOFH: The wild smut chase

Episode 9 Scene: The rooftop of the building at dusk "Ahhhh smell that," I say to the PFY as we look out at the London skyline. "The fresh London air tinged with a touch of diesel, a hint of autumn chill, and a liberal dash of the kebab shop down the road." "Greatest city in the world!" the PFY says. "And you know, standing up here, …

BOFH: The takeover

Episode 8 "It's a takeover," the PFY murmurs, entering Mission Control after his recce of the top floor - or more accurately, the spade work he's been putting in with the CEO's PA. "A takeover, I should have guessed," I say, thinking back to the feverish activity which has been occurring in Beancounter and PR Centrals. "Who?" "No idea …
Simon Travaglia, 23 Feb 2007

BOFH: The Brotherhood

Episode 7 The boss is late and everyone's noticed. And when I say everyone's noticed I really mean no one's noticed, but it has been two days and when someone's been on a weekend junket then doesn't show within a day or so word gets around... ... It's day three before the boss finally wanders into work with the unpressed clothes and …
Simon Travaglia, 16 Feb 2007

BOFH: The craptop

Episode 6 One of the stranger urban legends that people harbour about geeks is that we have a deep seated enthusiasm for all problems technical - that the thought of a non-booting PC is our equivalent of a three pipe problem and that we're silently chomping at the bit to discover some problem to pit our skills against. True, I enjoy a …
bofh_sidey

The Bastard guide to work from work

Episode 5 "What's your opinion of this?" The Boss asks, handing over a brochure for a laptop. "Seems OK to me," the PFY says "Reasonably cheap, good enough specs. I'm surprised you're looking at getting one though as there's no fancy bells as whistles." "Oh it's not for me!" The Boss gasps, digging out yet another brochure from his …

BOFH: Immortalised in print

Episode 4 "I...uh...was wondering if you'd check this over for...uh...accuracy," the head of IT says, handing over a stack of about two inches of paper. "What is it?" I gasp, fearing the worst - that it's a business case for a new and inventive way for the company to flush its IT spend down the proverbial crapper. "It's a personal …
Simon Travaglia, 26 Jan 2007
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BOFH: The mystery of the vandalised office

Episode 3 It is a cold morning when my assistant and I arrive at our rooms to commence yet another day of solving the problems of the masses. "Good Lord," Watson cries upon entering Mission Control. "Whatever has happened?!?" Entering after him I note overturned chairs, upended drawers and tabletops cleared to the floor... "Curious …
Simon Travaglia, 19 Jan 2007
bofh_sidey

BOFH: It's a funny old world isn't it?

Episode 2 It's a funny old world isn't it? Strange the way things pan out. Take for instance the New Year's truce forged between the PFY and myself. On one hand we reached a landmark accord which allowed us to work in harmony with each other and the users and on the other hand I'm now locked in a dark basement room that the PFY tricked …
Simon Travaglia, 12 Jan 2007

BOFH plays Pass the Password

Episode 1 2007, what a landmark year! A time for striving onward in the pursuit of excellence and a time for putting behind us the upsets of the past year. Upsets like me getting trapped in a lift and having to spend several hours contemplating a bucket-based toilet system in full view of the CCTV camera... ...And upsets like The PFY …

BOFH 2006: Complete and utter detox

17 minutes of goodwill Episode 1 Happy New Year The Way of the Hammer Episode 2 Engineers are great! 'Did you know..?' Episode 3 Yes, we did - we're Systems and Networks Automated attendant abuse Episode 4 'I'm sorry, that serial number is not recognised' Headhunted Episode 5 'A wonderful opportunity' BOFH takes a leaf from …
Team Register, 2 Jan 2007

The Bastard's guide to airport security

Episode 44 Ah, the strange twists of fate which conspire both for and against us. Against us when I believed that my trusty co-worker would treat me with the respect I deserved from my years at the coal face of IT and cut me a little slack when it came to me stealing his Christmas presents. And locking me in a lift. And for us when The …
Simon Travaglia, 28 Dec 2006

BOFH: Looting Christmas treasure

Episode 43 "Check it out!" the PFY gasps, pointing at a large basket of goodies sitting on the secretary's desk. "Bonus!" I cry, looking for a card. "Is it for us?" "No, it's for the Boss," Cathy the secretary sighs before putting the basket into a large cardboard box beside her desk. "The third present he's got today." "But he's only …
Simon Travaglia, 22 Dec 2006

The Bastard and the IT training budget

Episode 41 "I... what?" the PFY sniffles, reading through his email. "Hmm?" I ask. "My attendance at a Linux forum has been canceled because.. the IT Training budget for this quarter has been exceeded?!" "That's ridiculous," I counter. "It's about 10 grand a quarter and we haven't used any of it!" "Well that's what it says," The PFY …
bofh_sidey

BOFH: Feral access points

Episode 10 "What's he doing?" the Boss whispers, noticing the PFY's absence from and disinterest in the conversation he and I have been having about the shameful nature of internet porn sites these days. Put another way, the boss has been gently probing [oooh errr] for a list of potential spank sites while implying that he's in some way …
Simon Travaglia, 10 Mar 2006

BOFH: A change in tone

Episode 9 "Is it a full moon?" I ask the PFY disgustedly as I put the phone down for the third time this morning. "Could be," the PFY says, deleting a swathe of jobs from the helpdesk system. "What could be?" the new Boss asks, fresh back from his course on helping people the IT way. "A full moon," I reply. "Why?" he asks, smiling …

BOFH: Being root

Episode 8 Don't you just hate it when you rock up to a training course only to find out that the person taking the course knows about as much about the topic as you can tattoo on a DIMM with a jackhammer? And so it is that the "advanced linux" administration that I've booked myself onto is complete crap. Mind you, I'd never be on the …
Simon Travaglia, 24 Feb 2006

BOFH: Birthday present backfire

Episode 7 "I'd like a bit of birthday advice," the Boss asks, after the PFY and I show up to his office in response to a call. "Keep having them?" the PFY chips. "Wa?" "Forgive my assistant," I say calmly. "His battery's almost flat and needs a good recharging with a high voltage device. What he meant to say was that we'd prefer cash …
Simon Travaglia, 17 Feb 2006

BOFH takes a leaf from Captain Kirk's log

Episode 6 It's always the new guy that starts the trouble. OK, that's not entirely true - very occasionally it's the sleeper who's been happily working away in the company for years who suddenly gets his activation signal - but mostly it's the new guys. "I now know why Kirk always sent the new guy down to visit the unexplored planet," I …
Simon Travaglia, 10 Feb 2006
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BOFH: Headhunted

Episode 5 I'm sitting in Mission Control listening to the PFY recount the amusing anecdotes from his night on the overproofed Rum when the phone rings. Not unusual in itself, but it's an outside line so I answer it. "Hello?" I ask ... >Click< "User?" the PFY asks. "Mmm?" "A user - calling you?" "No, just a headhunter, wanted to …
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BOFH: Automated attendant abuse

Episode 4 "Uh... " the Boss says, sneaking into Mission Control "...there's been a complaint." "A complaint?" I respond. "It may not be about you. It's about a phone call that came from your phone." "Really, how can you be sure?" "I called our telecommunications helpdesk who dialled in and looked up the call - and it came from this …
Simon Travaglia, 27 Jan 2006
bofh_sidey

BOFH: 'Did you know..?'

Episode 3 "Did you know..?" the Boss asks, strolling into Mission Control and attempting to read at the same time (which probably accounts for those thudding noises we heard earlier). "Yes we did," the PFY says, getting in early before the Boss can really get started. "How can you possibly know, I haven't told you what I'm talking about …
Simon Travaglia, 20 Jan 2006
bofh_sidey

BOFH: The Way of the Hammer

Episode 2 "And if I just >tap< move this >tap< >tap< a fraction of an inch over >tap< I'll be able to >tap< put it >tap< >tap< >Crunch!<..." "...into the dustbin?" the PFY finishes helpfully. "Bugger. It almost went, though. It's probably just not made very robustly." "Yes," the PFY adds thoughtfully. "When will motherboard …
Simon Travaglia, 13 Jan 2006

BOFH: 17 minutes of goodwill

Episode 1 The good thing about the New Year is that past differences are put behind oneself and the year's started with a clean slate. Everything's that little bit nicer and you get the feeling that in some small way you're contributing to the ongoing goodwill of the workplace. True, my attempts and maintaining a positive outlook in …

Dr Bastard's photo lab

Episode 36 There's nothing like a workplace on Boxing Day! Sure, it's deader than a dead thing on a bank holiday and anyone with a life would be doing something else, but this is where the year is prepared for... First job is cleaning up the debris in the cafeteria - which is quite a task after several cases of anonymously donated cheap …
Simon Travaglia, 31 Dec 2005

BOFH: Can you call me a cab?

Episode 35 There's something indefinable about the Christmas season that makes the whole workplace seem a little brighter. It could be the impending arrival of relatives, the promise of presents or just the knowledge that for a short space of time you're free of the horrors of the workplace. Whatever it is, the workplace becomes a much …
Simon Travaglia, 16 Dec 2005

BOFH: Beware the lie-detecting mouse

Episode 34 "You've got to be kidding!" the PFY slurs, putting down his glass of port. "It's Friday at 4:30 - you can't expect me to do anything!" "It's just a quick job," the user gasps, extricating his laptop from his briefcase. "Quick as in 'which is the space bar?' or quick as in reinstalling XP on your laptop including non- …
bofh_sidey

BOFH: the PFY goes AWOL

Episode 33 It's a quiet afternoon in Mission Control when I'm woken from my slumber by a dull banging noise coming from the Tape Library room. The sound seems so familiar and yet still so elusive, and for some reason I just can't put my finger on it... As the sounds seem to die away (die being an all too appropriate term in this case) the …
bofh_sidey

BOFH: Woah there, Crash Gordon

Episode 32 "WOAH THERE, Crash Gordon!" the PFY shouts as our engineer prepares to put our system back together "How's about you go get another disk drive!?" "Huh?" the engineer asks blankly. "I just replaced it." "Yeah, then you dropped the drive and the tray off the desk onto the floor!" "It won't harm the disk, they're rated to 9 Gs …
Simon Travaglia, 25 Nov 2005

The Bastard, in the Comms Room with the Cooling Pipe

Episode 31 It's that time in the early morning when mistakes are made - mistakes outside of still being at a lock-in in a darkened pub in Soho. Every decision counts and you know that you can't afford to take time off to smell the roses. More importantly, you can't take time to go to the bog - even if your bladder feels like its the size …
Simon Travaglia, 18 Nov 2005

BOFH: Hi Honey I'm home

Episode 30 "WHERE THE **F#@K** HAVE YOU BEEN?" the Boss screams at me the moment I try my key in the door to mission control. "Uh... On holiday?" I respond, noting two things - (a) my key doesn't fit and (b) the door's new. "You should know, you signed the leave form! Or you could have asked the PFY." "Oh I was on holiday too," the PFY …
Simon Travaglia, 11 Nov 2005

Ye Bastarde Operatore frome Helle

Episode 25 The Shakespeare Revival Company celebrates the 441st anniversary of the year of Shakespeare's birth with this, THE TRAGEDIE OF YE BASTARDE OPERATORE FROME HELLE ACT I. Scene 1 - The HR Tea Room. Enter three female HR Consultants HR1: When shall we three meet again? HR2: This afternoon at the pub? HR3: Yep, I'm free. HR1: …
Simon Travaglia, 26 Aug 2005

BOFH: Drunk gravity

Episode 24 "So will the games embargo affect our drunken-ET tournament tonight?" the PFY asks. "Drunken ET?" a helldesker asks, sniffing out a game discussion (as they tend to do) from across the building. "Yeah, you know, 10 pints in two hours followed by a long and involved campaign in Wolfenstein Enemy Territory" "Two hours? So you …
Simon Travaglia, 19 Aug 2005
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The name's BOFH - James BOFH

Episode 23 "What do you two know about business intelligence?" the Boss asks the PFY and I after we answer the call for a quick chat at his request... "A novel idea but I don't think it'll catch on," the PFY responds. "Sorry?" The boss burbles, missing the PFY's point. "Business & Intelligence - bit of a misnomer," the PFY replies …
Simon Travaglia, 12 Aug 2005
bofh_sidey

BOFH 2005: All you can eat

Where the hell have you been? Episode 1 Uh... Holiday? Hooking the IT vending piranha Episode 2 Class A business practice Driller Killer Episode 3 X-rated data cabling shocker When desk lamps attack Episode 4 Defending admin rights The BOFH guide to equal opportunities Episode 5 Affirmitive action Danger, Falling Computing …
Team Register, 2 Aug 2005
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BOFH: A white van man called Algernon

Episode 22 "Is your.. uh... assistant in?" the Boss asks, ducking into Mission Control and breaking the monotonous boredom. "The PFY? No, I've not seen him all day. Or yesterday for that matter." "Is he sick?" "I doubt it. When you're a contractor you don't waste good contract money being ill at home. No, I'm not sure where he is. Hang …
Simon Travaglia, 29 Jul 2005

BOFH: Chuck it and leg it

Episode 21 "What the hell's he saying?!" I ask the PFY as he tries to interpret what my counterpart is saying. "I'm not sure - East European languages aren't my speciality - but I think he's saying what you just did is illegal in his country," the PFY replies, raising a questioning eyebrow. "Ah! In that case tell him not to worry - it's …
Simon Travaglia, 22 Jul 2005
bofh_sidey

BOFH: Resurrection

Episode 20 Bright white light surrounds me and ahead I see a lift with the UP button greyed out. Entering the lift, I press the only option available, 'B', and go down. The air gets appreciably warmer. Exiting the lift, I see nine rooms. The one immediately in front of me has an endless pile of service packs which have to be applied to …

BOFH and the chemistry lesson

Episode 19 "OK," The PFY says looking over the inside of The Boss's machine. "I'll take a quick look at it, but at this stage I'm fairly certain that it'll just need a new seal and a smoke recharge and be back up and running in no time." "Sorry, did you say smoke recharge?" "Yeah?" "What do you mean?" "Well, obviously the smoke seal's …
Simon Travaglia, 20 Jun 2005

BOFH: Blocking the chutney ferret

Episode 18 There's a bit of a flap on! I know because the Boss, the new Head of IT and the CEO have been speaking earnestly behind closed doors for some time... No sooner have I alerted the PFY to the situation than the phone rings. "Dreamytime Escorts!" I answer. "Sorr.. I... What?" "Systems and Networks." "Oh.. I.... Could you come …
bofh_sidey

BOFH: Defence of the Realm

Episode 17 So the new Boss isn't happy. It seems in his first week he's detected that someone is intercepting his email!!! The PFY and I are, of course, morally outraged at the thought of all this and assure him we'll leave no stone unturned in ensuring it doesn't happen again. We'll be much more careful next time, for a start. …
Simon Travaglia, 27 May 2005

BOFH: Lucky in computing...

Episode 16 It may be true what they say about being lucky in computing and unlucky in love. Sigh. Of course it might just be me saying that but still there's the odd shred of evidence to support it. Take the PFY for instance, who's as lucky in love as Grace Kelly is at cornering. Sure, he can semi-regularly win Spider with four suits but …
Simon Travaglia, 20 May 2005
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BOFH: You can't outbastard the bastard

Episode 15 Life as the Acting Head of IT, Acting Manager of Systems and Networks as well as my normal role as Systems Administrator has its ups and downs, and as such I'm starting to appreciate the complexity of the roles which I've disparaged so greatly in the past. At one time I may have heaped scorn on my seniors, but now that I'm in …
Simon Travaglia, 16 May 2005