BOFH > More stories
BOFH: Fine detective work
Episode 34
"What's this?" the Boss demands, tossing a tattered faux leather-covered book at me.
"This?" I say. "It looks like someone's diary."
"Your assistant's - but what's inside it?"
"I don't know. I'm not in the habit of reading personal stuff," I respond, choking down a chuckle.
"I suggest you do!" he snaps.
"Why, what am I …
BOFH: Unfriendly ghosts
Episode 33
"But why can't we visit the site?" the Boss bleats one morning when we shoot his idea of seeing the ghost facility down.
"It's a defence site," I lie. "They host defence computers as well as stuff for companies like us. They're probably not allowed to show people through their server rooms."
"We should just turn up …
BOFH: The Mandelboat virus
Episode 32
If there's one thing a lifetime in computing teaches you, it's how to cover up your mistakes...
"Oopsy," the PFY says in a casual tone mid-keypress - the sort of casual tone which, by its very casualness, means it's not casual at all.
"What did you do?" I sigh, fully expecting to hear that some poor user now has a vast amount …
BOFH: Remote access malarkey
Episode 31
"...And so you can just log in to my machine and look at it whenever you like?" our user asks indignantly.
"Uh-huh," the PFY says, fixing the user's printer settings while he's talking.
"And I don't have to give you permission or anything?"
"I'd have assumed that was implied by ringing the helpdesk?" the PFY says.
"Yes but …
BOFH: Back in the saddle
Episode 30
“How are you doing?” I say cheerfully, extending my hand in greeting to the two cabling guys that the beancounters got to shift some data cabling around – without telling us. “Clint and... John isn't it?”
“Ay?” One of them says. “I'm Steve and this is Dave.”
“My mistake,” I say. “I was obviously thinking of Clint Eastwood and …
BOFH: Lock and reload
Episode 29
"We should sue!" the PFY snaps angrily, thumping the Boss's desk with vigour. "We can't let them get away with this!"
"Really?" the Boss asks. "I'd hardly have thought you'd want to sue a fellow professional?"
"PROFESSIONAL!" the PFY gasps. "They're cowboys! What sort of outsourcing company wouldn't put in a redundant network …
BOFH: Burying the hatchet
Episode 28
There's something about a newly refurbished building that just appeals. Whether it's the contrast of old and new (i.e. the ancient glass fronted axe cases in the stairwell which no-one in their right mind would install these days, versus the almost ubiquitous security cameras which everyone seems to be installing these days) is …
BOFH: Smash + grab
Episode 27 The long-awaited weekend has almost arrived! The migration of the server room to the new site and the transfer of our 'crucial' services to the successful tendering party (ie our ghost facility) is about to commence.
"But I still don't see why we need to pay a data transfer fee!" the Boss whinges.
"Because they'll need to put a …
BOFH: Server room secret panels
Episode 26
“It's a little... uh... large, isn't it?” one of our beancounters says as he scans the computer room in the new building during a site visit.
“Optical illusion,” the PFY counters. “Machine rooms always look oversized when there's no kit in them. Take my word for it, once we install the racks and the cable trays the place will …
BOFH: The PFY wants a reference
Episode 25
"So let's just get this straight," I say to the PFY as he hovers about my desk. "You want me to write a reference for you lauding you as a veritable workplace IT savant who can leap laser printers in a single bound, bend RFPs in his bare hands and generally manage an IT project with the ease of a veteran?"
"Yes."
"So you can …
BOFH: The admin gene
Episode 24
"Woah!" the PFY breathes, looking up quickly.
"Woah what?" the Boss asks, looking around cautiously, as I re-enter the room from the passage to the server room.
"Nope, it'll be OK," I say to the PFY, ignoring the Boss for a moment.
"What'll be OK?"
"Are you sure?" the PFY asks. "It was quite noticeable."
"What was …
BOFH: The all-clicking, all-whirring Roboboss
Episode 23
I've got a particularly vexing game of multiplayer Enemy Territory on my hands when the new Boss rolls in and spoils everything. I say new Boss, as the previous one that everyone liked left for greener pastures and then his replacement left on medical grounds after accidentally pushing a paperclip into the live pin of a power …
BOFH: Shafting the consultants over the new layout
Episode 22
So we've got some external consultants here blundering through the requirements for the new building as a QA thing..
"It's not that we don't trust you," the Boss explains. "Far from it. It's just that senior management would like some assurance that everything you've asked for is a requirement and not just a nice-to-have."
"A …
BOFH: Dealing with engineers
Episode 21
It seems the cunning machinations from last week have come to no avail - someone at the coloured pencil office still wants the PFY to give them a hand installing some macintoshes.
"I hate going to see the designers," the PFY whines. "They're a bunch of overfed smelly beatniks who think that buying expensive desktops makes them …
BOFH: Testing the obscenity filters
Episode 20
"Hi, I'd just like some help setting up my Macintosh for access t..."
>SLAM<
. . .
>Ring<
"Hello?" the PFY says.
"Hi, we must have got cut off, I was ringing for a bit of help setting up my Mac..."
>SLAM<
. . .
>RING<
"Is there something wrong with your phone?" the voice asks.
"I don't think so," the PFY says. "But …
BOFH: The Batcave
Episode 19
"You know," I say to the PFY as I pore over some building plans. "I don't think the beancounters are as big a set of idiots as we've given them credit for."
"How's that then?" the PFY asks.
"This building they've bought - I've done some admittedly rough sums based around the floor space and previous sales in the area, and I …
BOFH: The PFY's comeuppance
Episode 18
Some things you just don't want to waste half a day doing. Like talking to the company's shrink about whether the PFY should be referred to the authorities or not...
"Okay, so my name is Catherine, I'm just gathering some background on what occurred a couple of days ago and would like to ask you some questions about Stephen's …
BOFH: Shiny new computer room
Episode 17
"I think I have some good news..." the Boss chirps happily as he skips into Mission Control.
"Good news?" the PFY says.
"Very good news!" he gushes.
"On a scale of one to ten?"
"Ten - at least!"
"Really," I say. "And what could possibly register as a ten?"
"You're going to get a new computer room!" he blurts.
"A new …
BOFH: The Boss gets Grandpa Simpson syndrome
Episode 16
"...And we used to do pretty much everything from the switches on the front panel – bootstrapping, diagnostics, machine code reprogramming – all on toggle switches!" the Boss burbles happily "...those were the days!"
"I'm sure they were," the PFY says dryly, rolling his eyes out of the Boss' view.
"Oh, that was just the tip …
BOFH: PFY's mum pays a visit
Episode 15
"And this is... uh... where I work >click<" the PFY says, opening the door briefly before closing it again and walking off.
Curious...
Moments later, the PFY is back and the door opens again briefly with a quick, "Ahh, my desk is the one over there. >click<"
Curiouser...
A short time later the door reopens once more and the …
BOFH: Licensing model
Episode 14
So the Boss had sensed a touch of animosity between us and one of our main software vendors after a recent bill and decided to grab the bull by the horns and invite them in to press-the-flesh and explain the new charging model they applied to us - without notice.
Apparently, their reasoning ends up being that the new licensing …
BOFH: Lift laughs
Episode 13
"You HAD to push the button, didn't you?" the PFY snaps angrily at the Boss in the dark of the elevator.
"I only just TOUCHED it!" the Boss snivels. "It's not like I actually PRESSED it!"
"Now, now," I say. "No use crying over fried control panels. We need to take a look at how bad it is before we start getting upset. And …
BOFH: The London Underground vending machine conspiracy
Episode 12
>crash!< >stomp< >stomp< >stomp< >stomp< >clump<
"Nice trip in then?" I ask the PFY as the Boss looks on warily. "Straight through was it, no stopping every ten seconds then?"
"The tube was fine," the PFY snaps back.
"Something else the matter then?" I ask. "Did someone get up on the wrong side of the traffic island?"
"I …
BOFH: Fun with automatic doors
Episode 11
"Really, I thought they'd be right up your alley!" the Boss sniffs disappointedly.
"They're just sliding doors!" I comment.
"Yes, but they're intelligent sliding doors – they've got scanners and a computer interface and everything!"
"That's as may be, but they're not secure doors."
"Yes they are, they use face recognition …
BOFH: Impatience
Episode 10
"You’re not listening to me!" the Boss snaps.
"Hmm?"
"You’re not listening to me!"
"Course I am," I say distractedly.
"What did I say then?"
"The users are unhappy."
"I… What about?" the Boss asks, temporarily foiled by my Geller-like guesswork.
"Some user thing or the other – their stupidity, the computer doing what …
BOFH: On the brink
Episode 9
“You don’t have to do this,” I say calmly to the PFY as the wind and rain washes and whistles around us on the roof of the building.
“I do!” the PFY says. “I have to!”
“You don’t – it’s not... necessary” I say.
“It IS!” the PFY counters urgently. “I must!”
“Let's just think about this clearly,” I say, speaking quietly so …
BOFH: The secret gentlemen's club
Episode 8
It's mid afternoon and the PFY and I are sneaking around the building in pursuit of the IT director because he's acting funny...
[READER: DEGAUSS NOW FOR FLASHBACK REALISM!]
...10 minutes ago...
"Right, so you just want this signed then?" the director asks, scribbling blindly at the bottom of the page. "Okay, now if you'll …
BOFH: Vampires!
Episode 7
Today's going to be a bad day, I can tell. Not because of the evil machinations of the managing classes, nor the heat seeking stupidity of our users, nor even the Machiavellian plans of our suppliers...
No, today is going to be bad because the PFY has had insomnia for the past week or so. His game playing marathons have upset …
BOFH: Insecurity complex
Episode 6
It’s Mission Control late one morning and we’re giving the Boss a damn good listening to...
“...and I’ve been talking to Jim from P.R and he says that we can probably do a little better on our machine maintenance because when he was working in a former company he managed to get a 48 per cent reduction in price by presenting …
BOFH: The Silence of the Servers
Episode 5
"Ah the long, dark reaches of intrigue!" I say faux-casually in the dark, scaring the Boss half to death.
"What the hell are you doing here?" he cries when he's collected himself, no doubt readjusting his underpants in response to the recent extra loading.
"It's a computer room, I belong here," I say, getting up from the …
BOFH: Carbon neutrality
Episode 4
"What're they for?" the PFY asks as the Boss rolls in a trolley load of brightly coloured plastic bins.
"They're for our recycling initiative," the Boss responds. "Red for plastic, white for paper, yellow for cardboard and blue for polystyrene."
"What about glass?" the PFY asks.
"Glass is to be sorted by colour into bins in …
BOFH: What GPS is for
Episode 3
The good thing about sales reps is that they're never too busy to come on site and explain a couple of their products to you if there's a potential sale in it. Better still when the IT consumables company replaces the grizzled veteran of "over a million 8 inch floppies sold" with Susan, a lovely young woman with a pleasant …
BOFH: Defusing the enthusiast
Episode 2
Isn't it always the way that at the beginning of the year, when your enthusiasm for work is at an ebb, that the Boss decides it's a good time to get someone in to talk about some piece of software that you just don't want to use?
And isn't it also always the case that when you get someone in to talk to you they're not only an …
BOFH 2007: Road trip
BOFH plays Pass the Password
Episode 1 Resolution time
BOFH: It's a funny old world isn't it?
Episode 2 Adventure time!
BOFH: The mystery of the vandalised office
Episode 3 Sherlockian
BOFH: Immortalised in print
Episode 4 A little white lie never hurt anyone...
The Bastard guide to work from work
Episode 5 Like working from …
BOFH: Memory short circuit
Episode 1
There must be something in the water. I've got a shocking case of nominal amnesia which I can't shake and the PFY just isn't helping. True, being locked in a lift for several hours (until I'd fed sufficient pound notes through the doors to the PFY) just prior to the holidays didn't help, but I'm never really any good at getting …
BOFH: Beancounter bashing
Episode 44
"You know what your probblim is?" one of the Beancounters slurs, using the ISO certified phrase to indicate that the speaker's had too much to drink "...you're out of touch!"
"Really?" the PFY says, tipping back his drink with one hand while setting his modified cattle prod to 'stir-fry' with the other. "How's that then …
BOFH: The trivia quiz
Episode 43 BOFH: The Trivia Quiz
Yes! It's time for the Bastard Trivia Quiz!
Test your skill! Place your bets!
General Knowledge
1. You're in a maze of twisty little passages, all alike. Where do you go?
A. N
B. S
C. E
D. W
E. To lunch
2. Network utilisation figures are reaching an all time high for no apparent reason. This probably …
BOFH: Balancing the budget...
Episode 42
"Got a bit of work on I see," the Boss says, peering around the large mound of cartons clogging up Mission Control.
"No, no, things are very quiet at the moment."
"So what's all this then?"
"This," I say, tapping on a carton. "is a... laptop, one of a batch of... nine, while this >tap< is a top-of-the-line workstation, one …
BOFH: Xmas party: Get a wriggle on
Episode 41
"Get a jiggle on," I tell the PFY as I clamber into the work vehicle, "or we'll be late."
"Take it easy," the PFY responds calmly. "Stacks of time. The place doesn't even open for another hour."
"Yeah, but it'll take us that long to get there!" I snap.
"I'm sure we'll be ok," the Boss says, clambering into the back seat. "It …
BOFH: Friday madness
Episode 40
It's a Friday afternoon and the clock has stopped. All the clocks have stopped. It's been 2:15pm for the past two hours, I'm sure of it.
"COME OOOOONNN!" the PFY whines.
"It's no use," I say. "The seconds hand is moving but the minutes hand has just stopped!"
"I want the pub," the PFY gasps. "I NEED the pub!"
"Me too," I …
BOFH: Spreading the festive cheer
Episode 39
"Ahhhhhh," I sigh cheerfully. "Smell that?"
"You mean the whiff of cardboard, seasonal green and red ink and just a hint of glitter?" the PFY responds.
"MMmmmm," I mumble.
"Well, it's Christmas season again, isn't it?" the PFY concurs.
"No... It's Christmas CARD season again," I say. "For the next three weeks we can expect …
BOFH: Workplace accidents = 0
Episode 38
"Excellent," the new Boss burbles as the PFY updates the 'days since last workplace accident' sign (put there since the last IT decimation). "Ten days since the last accident."
"I think you'll find that's a binary number," the PFY says.
"Still... 10 days," the Boss counters to much rolling of eyes.
"And that's only because …
