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bofh_sidey

BOFH: Beer, shinies, death by fire, rats IN THAT ORDER

Episode 12 Not much surprises me about middle management any more, least of all their inability to prioritise. I mean the core router could have crapped itself, the HR & Financials databases might be offline a day before pay day and the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse could be in the freight elevator pressing "2" yet some "compliance …
Simon Travaglia, 19 Aug 2011
bofh_sidey

BOFH: Axe handles - occasionally quite slippery

Episode 11 12:34:56am. Company Stores Wakeup trigger. . . 9 ... 8 ... 7 ... 6 ... 5 ... 4 ... 3 ... SELFTEST: OK 2 ... 1 Peripheral test ... USB Boot Media ... OK Panel ... OK Cameras ... Std:OK,Infra:OK,UV:OK 3D Directional Mic OK Hi Speed Steppers 1:OK,2:OK,3:OK,4:OK SERVOS 1:OK,2:OK,3:OK,4:OK Battery OK, level 67% Servo Saw OK …
Simon Travaglia, 22 Jul 2011
bofh_sidey

BOFH vs PFY: There can be only one (on the exes chit)

Episode 10 So the Boss has a bit of funding that he doesn't know what to do with. Okay, the Boss always has funding he doesn't know/understand what to do with, but this time it's different. The company has decided to allocate out "Professional Development" funds to key areas of the business to permit a staff member to receive advanced …
Simon Travaglia, 15 Jul 2011
bofh_sidey

BOFH: Drunken Time Lord

Episode 9 "It's only 1:30pm!" the PFY grumbles, looking up from his cellphone clock. "I know," I say. "It's that variable viscosity of time again." "The what now?" the PFY asks "The variable viscosity of time. You know, how the viscosity of time is inversely proportional to what you'd like the viscosity to be." "You’ve lost me." " …
bofh_sidey

BOFH: CSI Haxploitation Cube Farm Apocalypse

Episode 8 “Can you just come here for a moment?” Ray - the brand spanking new Boss with the IQ of a pot plant - asks, ducking into Mission Control. The PFY and I follow – after all it’s a Friday morning and there’s an hour or so till the pub opens for lunch. “Can you tell me what happened here?” Ray asks, once he’s led us to the …
Simon Travaglia, 17 Jun 2011

BOFH: Ready for the Judgment Day

Episode 7 "THREE HUNDRED AND SIXTY DEGREE FEEDBACK!" the PFY gasps "SOUNDS FANTASTIC!!!" "Really?" the Boss says doubtfully... "Somehow I thought that you wouldn't be all that keen." "Au contraire," the PFY responds. "We here and Systems and Networks are only too keen to know the thoughts and feelings of our clientele. We hope to match …

BOFH: Attack of the Global Corporate Overlords

Episode 6 "There's going to be a takeover!" the PFY gasps, crashing into Mission Control. "I thought you saw them off the premises," I reply, "although quite what you sawed off you never made clear. Thanks for that." "No, the company – it's being taken over!" "Really? Says who?" "Says everyone. It's all over the building!" …
Simon Travaglia, 20 May 2011
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BOFH: Every silver lining has a cloud

Episode 5 "Code Magenta," the PFY mumbles quietly as he wanders past me on the way to Mission Control. "Code Magenta!" the Director's PA repeats in hushed tones, unable to keep her nose out of things that don’t concern her – "What does that mean?" "It's a systems code about operational availability," I lie. "We have various codes …
Simon Travaglia, 13 May 2011
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BOFH: People get annoyed when you try to debug them

Episode 4 "You know what I hate?" the PFY asks one morning, looking up from a sheaf of bright pink pages. "Oooh!" I say "I know this! Short people. Short MEN to be more precise. Short men in authority positions. Short men in authority positions and Mac users. Short men in authority, Mac users and the fact that NO programmable remote …
Simon Travaglia, 22 Apr 2011

BOFH: In distributed denial

Episode 3 "Is there... something wrong with the internet?" our user asks quietly. "No, no, pretty sure it's working fine," I say, looking over to the PFY's Bittorrent machine which is sucking up so much bandwidth it’s in danger of affecting the QoS of the phone system... "It's just that I can't seem to connect to my home email," the …
Simon Travaglia, 18 Mar 2011
bofh_sidey

BOFH: This buck's for you

Episode 2 “What’s this?” the Boss snaps, pushing several sheets of paper over the desk at me in an annoyed manner. “Ah! Memo two thousand and eleven dash one dash one,” I reply, “workplace resiliency.” “Yes, I can read the title, but what is it?” “It’s a memo outlining the things we should be addressing for systems and networks …

BOFH: There's no 'I' in team, but there's a 'u' in suck

Episode 1 “Team Conference!” the Boss chips quickly in the door of Mission Control before moving on to other offices. “Welcome ... to ... THE MACHINE!” I murmur to the PFY. “Say what now?” the PFY asks. “The Machine. Like in Princess Bride. You’ll notice how management’s been conspicuously quiet over the past couple of weeks?” “I …

BOFH: Who's been naughty and who's been nice?

Episode 19 'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the workplace, Not a creature was stirring, not even a cobbled-together robot, fashioned from the remaining pieces of several other cobbled-together robots. Dressed in an elf suit. Two stockings are hung by the Boss' door with care, In the hopes that a bonus cheque soon …
Simon Travaglia, 17 Dec 2010
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BOFH: Pain fear games

Episode 18 “I don’t understand” the PFY says “We’re not invited to any parties?” “Apparently not. The rest of the department are, but this is one Christmas you’ll not be visiting any of the other departments!” “But we always go to departmental Christmas functions!” the PFY protests “We get things going and keep the momentum up. We get …
Simon Travaglia, 26 Nov 2010

BOFH: Look out!

Episode 17 “So what do the following have in common?” the Boss seethes “My desk drawer, the complaints box at reception and the boot of the deputy CEO’s car?” “They’re all places you can take a dump?” the PFY asks, pouring a little petrol on the flames of the Boss’ annoyance. “WHAT!?” “You’ll have to forgive my assistant” I interject …
Simon Travaglia, 19 Nov 2010

BOFH: BOFH vs Bot: Ultimate Smackdown

Episode 16 I love these quiet moments before the storm. Well, technically speaking, it’s between storms, but the fact remains that there’s a certain amount of solace in not actually being in a storm at this point in time. In these calm periods my mind enters a peaceful, dreamlike state where I find my thoughts drifting in anticipation …
Simon Travaglia, 12 Nov 2010

BOFH: You just can't go around killing people

Episode 15 Bot Wars IV - The Screenplay [Black Screen] Several screens of multi-coloured static flash by before the words: INITIAL TESTS INDICATE UNIT OK appear in large tasteless block letters on the screen. Another burst of static crowds the screen before a Camera image appears with the top half of the PFY’s upside-down face …
bofh_sidey

BOFH: Join the club

Episode 14 “You make it sound so... nasty,” the PFY says to the Boss as he fingers through several sheets of complaints. “What – trying to maim a supplier’s employees just because you don’t like their product!?” the Boss snaps. “THEY STARTED IT!” the PFY retorts. “How?” “They sent us their product!” “And in response you’ve been …
Simon Travaglia, 29 Oct 2010
bofh_sidey

BOFH: Pepper-packing bot plot

Episode 13 Isn’t it always the way that the moment you get down to doing something important that requires a large part of your concentration, some idiot rolls up with an inane problem that just can’t wait? Like now, for instance, when the PFY and I are trying to quietly drill a small inspection hole in a recently delivered crate to see …
Simon Travaglia, 15 Oct 2010

BOFH: Lock shock

Episode 12 “No, I’m pretty sure you don’t work for the company,” the PFY says, tapping away furiously on his keyboard. “What’s up?” I ask, as the PFY mutes the phone while the bloke on the other end has some form of protracted verbal seizure. “That idiot from accounts who wanted us to pick up the bill for his home broadband has got a …

BOFH: Robot wars

Episode 11 “I could have been killed!” the Boss whimpers, rubbing a couple of prominent bruises. “I think that’s a little far-fetched,” the PFY sniffs. “What was it going to do, 360-degree-camera you to death?” “It had a circular saw in its hands!!” “Really? It had hands!?” “Well, its claw then!” “IT’S GOT A CLAW!?” “WHATEVER THE …

BOFH: Die, Robot

Episode 10 “A Security Robot?!” the PFY gasps. “Really?” “Really,” the Boss nods. “And we have no say in the matter?” “It’s a security thing.” “But our technical budget pays for it.” “Our Capital budget, yes, but the operational expenses will come out of security’s budget.” “So what sort of robot will it be – something like Robocop …
Simon Travaglia, 17 Sep 2010
bofh_sidey

BOFH: Lies and the lying liars who lie about them

Episode 9 “And how long will it take?” the user echoes from the handsfree speaker on the PFY’s phone. “To restore access to your email? I’m not sure. Have you tried closing down Outlook and restarting it?” the PFY responds. “Yes.” “What about restarting it in Safe Mode?” “I tried that,” the user says – a little too quickly. “Well, …
Simon Travaglia, 13 Aug 2010

BOFH: Little ups and downs

Episode 8 "I... uh..." the Boss says, wandering into Mission Control aimlessly, searching for the right words to bring up whatever's on his mind. "Yes?" I ask, letting him off the hook. "The lifts" he says cryptically.. "The lifts?" I repeat.. "The buttons on the lifts" he says. "They have buttons - yes - well spotted," I say. " …
Simon Travaglia, 16 Jul 2010

BOFH: Risky business

Episode 7 "All I'm saying," I say, trying not to lose my rag, "is that you don't have to keep all your email messages in their entirety." "Yes, but I need my email as a record," the PR droid burbles. "That may be, but you don't need a record of the 50 messages between you and the woman from the office across the road saying 'what do …
Simon Travaglia, 18 Jun 2010
bofh_sidey

BOFH: The poncy director's cut

Episode 6 EXT: COUNTRYSIDE A lush pasture with snow-capped mountains in the distance. A fluffy white rabbit hops into shot, stops and nibbles on some grass. [Dissolve to...] INT: BOSS'S OFFICE The BASTARD, PFY and BOSS are clustered around the screen of the Boss's desktop machine. PFY See, he just pushes his machine off the desk! …
Simon Travaglia, 21 May 2010

BOFH: On the couch

Episode 5 Don’t get me wrong. I’m as likely to get workplace trauma counselling as the next guy – especially when the company’s tame shrink is an ancient old boiler who was probably there when time was invented. Still, as luck would have it she fell to her death from her slippers a couple of weeks back and the company was forced to …
Simon Travaglia, 30 Apr 2010
bofh_sidey

BOFH: Forgive and forget

Episode 4 They say the secret to a good relationship is to be able to forgive and forget - and so I'm working hard on the forgiving bit with the PFY. He, for his part, is working on the forgetting - which I'm told is a perfectly normal by-product of ECT - even though a lot of private hospitals frown on the use of it unless it's …
Simon Travaglia, 23 Apr 2010

BOFH: The PFY Chronicles Part The Third

Episode 3 It's a wonderful day today - nothing could spoil my mood, with the prospect of a long Easter weekend with nothing more to do but eat junk food and catch up with hours of TV watching. My good mood swells even further when I stumble upon a wadge of banknotes taped to the underside of a drawer in my former supervisor's desk. …
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BOFH: The PFY Chronicles part 2

Episode 2 Things are quiet at Mission Control. No, quiet would be an understatement. The room seems unnaturally large and cavernous, and there's an echo that just shouldn't be there... I could swear I heard the words "sleep no more" coming from the PC speaker, but I'm sure I'm imagining it. My contemplations are interrupted by two …
Simon Travaglia, 12 Mar 2010
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BOFH: The PFY Chronicles

Episode 1 It’s a bleak morning in Mission Control. Even the Boss’s normal expression of guilty ignorance is replaced by one that could almost be mistaken for loss... "Dead?" he asks quietly. "I'm afraid so," I respond. "But... he was doing so well." "He was, but then that dodgy life support machine switched itself off." "I thought …
Simon Travaglia, 12 Feb 2010

BOFH: Key performance undertakers

Episode 17 The PFY and I happened to stay out a little late at a Christmas do and unfortunately ended up in the company of some industry commentators - never a good move. Given that the PFY and myself know the perils of drinking with reporters - people who drink for a living and for whom seven pints of overproof cider counts both as an …
Simon Travaglia, 23 Dec 2009
bofh_sidey

BOFH: Made of win

Episode 16 “We should enter one of those Innovation in IT awards!” the Boss burbles one day, sidling up to the PFY and myself in a pseudo-ingratiating manner. “We should what now?” the PFY asks. “IT awards. We should enter one – it’s a great way of raising the company’s profile.” “Oh, the company’s going to some awards?” I ask. “No, …
Simon Travaglia, 27 Nov 2009
bofh_sidey

BOFH: Slab happy

Episode 15 Isn’t it annoying when senior management simply has to have access to every door, room, system and application in the enterprise - even if they have no idea what to do with the access once they get it. Like our new IT Director (after the previous Director tragically stepped over the protective railings and into the path of the …
Simon Travaglia, 13 Nov 2009
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BOFH: The stupidity criticality

Episode 14 "I just don't understand him!" the PFY snaps. "Yes, well, you've got to remember we’re talking about a new Boss, so we're really looking at one of three types of people," I reply. "A - a grizzled professional who's seen and endured the stupidity of users. B - an idiot with no idea who just keeps his head down and waits till …
Simon Travaglia, 30 Oct 2009

BOFH: Baitin' switch

Episode 13 "OK, let's just take a look then," our recent office addition says, clicking on the network management tool. "Ah, there's your problem - your port is only set to 10 megabits per second, half duplex. If I just change that to auto you'll notice a short outage while your machine's network interface readjusts itself to 100 meg …
Simon Travaglia, 16 Oct 2009
bofh_sidey

BOFH: Weapon of choice

Episode 12 “...and it turns out that he’d ordered the 157-H43 instead of the 157-H44 unit," one engineer says, walking into Mission Control. "And as we all know...” “...the H43 has the tab on the other side!!!” the other engineer finishes. They both burst out laughing. Good times. The PFY has heard more than his fair share of …

BOFH: Trussssst in me

Episode 11 Things have taken a strange turn - the Boss is trying to broker some form of peace between us and the Beancounters... "I'm just trying to understand the animosity," the Boss says. "It's historic," I say. "It goes back centuries." "It can hardly go back centuries - computers have only been around for half a century, and you' …
Simon Travaglia, 11 Sep 2009
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BOFH: Hammer time!

Episode 10 "Ooooh, watch this!" I gasp happily to the Boss as he and I observe the PFY, from the relative safety of the webcam monitor in Mission Control. "What?" the Boss asks. "He's going to take a look at her PC!" "Isn't that part of his job?" "No this isn't a work machine, this is a home machine!" I snigger. "Still, if it's a …
Simon Travaglia, 24 Jul 2009
bofh_sidey

BOFH: A spot of bother

Episode 9 It's a bloody Friday afternoon. People should know not to bother us when all we're wanting is a slow glide to the weekend... >ring< "Our system isn't working." "Really," the PFY says, putting his newspaper down with a sigh. "What system is that then?" "The one which does the ticker tape thing at the bottom of my web." "So …
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BOFH: Stick this

Episode 8 "You've got to think of it in terms of sticks and carrots," I say to the PFY, "because users are complex - but stupid - stubborn animals, like donkeys." "Meaning?" "Meaning they respond to both rewards and punishment. So what you've got to do is find a balance between rewarding them for good behaviour - like not calling you …
Simon Travaglia, 12 Jun 2009
bofh_sidey

BOFH: Snout, meet trough

Episode 7 "How can you be broke?" I ask the PFY as I carry our lunch back to the table in several pint glasses. "I dunno." "But you were only paid yesterday!" "Yes, but I had expenses!" the PFY sniffs. "What could you possibly blow a month's cash on in a day?" "A Home Theatre PC ensemble," the PFY responds defensively. "Ah. OK, I …
Simon Travaglia, 29 May 2009