BOFH: But I did log in to the portal, Dave
Episode 8At some point in every successful IT vendor's lifecycle, their infrastructure gets so vast and monolithic that navigating their support network is pretty much impossible for everyone but the vendor's people themselves – and sometimes not even them.
BOFH: Guys? Guys? We need blockchain... can you install blockchain?
Episode 7"I've got two words for you," the Boss says excitedly. "Block Chain!"
BOFH: We know where the bodies are buried
Episode 6We're having a company-wide operational audit. The Boss, bless him, thinks it's a routine process aimed at solidifying the company's position in the marketplace (blah, blah, blah), however the PFY and I know better having accidentally been bcc-ed in on a private email exchange discussing a possible company merger with a rival firm.
BOFH: Give me a lever long enough and a fool, I mean a fulcrum and ....
Episode 5 "We put a fair amount of time into ideation sessions in an attempt to leverage your company's commercial value against the prevailing market perception," the suit says.
BOFH: Honourable misconduct
Episode 4 I’m on high alert in Mission Control. It’s 11:30am, I’ve not seen the PFY all morning and there’s a cold, half eaten chicken kebab sitting on the PFY’s keyboard.
BOFH: We want you to know you have our full support
Episode 2"NGGGGAAARRRGGGHHH!" the PFY says, slamming his mouse onto the desk several times.
BOFH: Buttock And Departmental Defence ... As A Service
Episode 1The PFY is feeling a little unappreciated. APPARENTLY I’m not supporting him in his role very well and he feels a bit like a scapegoat.
BOFH: The trouble with, er, windows installs
Episode 16"What you're looking for is plausible deniability," I say to the Boss.
BOFH: But soft, what light through yonder window breaks?
Episode 15“I don’t know what to say,” the Boss says, looking confused.
BOFH: Do I smell burning toes, I mean burning toast?
Episode 14There's trouble in the state of Mission Control.
BOFH: Oh dear. Did someone get lost on the Audit Trail?
Episode 13So I'm walking down the corridor from Mission Control with about a ream of financial paperwork when I notice the Boss coming the other way with the IT Director in tow - never a good sign.
BOFH: Come on, PFY, let's pick a Boss
Episode 12"I don't think your reviews are overly helpful," the Director sulks.
BOFH: We're only here because they said there would be biscuits
Episode 11"We just DID this!" the PFY snaps - before I can beat him to it.
BOFH: Oh go on. Strap me to your Hell Desk, PFY
Episode 10"So what do you think?" the Boss asks. "You've had more experience than me at this."
BOFH: That's right. Turn it off. Turn it on
Episode 9"I wasn't built for user support, I know that now," I sigh.
BOFH: Putting the commitment into committee
Episode 8I never cease to be amazed by the seemingly endless possibilities for forming a committee to not do something.
BOFH: Halon is not a rad new vape flavour
Episode 7"Simon, Steven – a word?" the Boss burbles warmly.
BOFH: This is your last chance. After this, there is no turning back
Episode 6 "Ok James, I think it's time we released you into the wild," I say.
BOFH: Defenestration, a solution to Solutions To Problems We Don't Have
Episode 5"The thing is," I explain to James, "the vast majority of management bright ideas aren't – they're just stuff which keeps the Boss occupied till lunchtime firing off urgent emails about problems we don't have."
BOFH: The Boss, the floppy and the work 'experience'
Episode 4 "Ah! Simon, Steven - this is James," the Boss burbles, pushing a young lad forward like a ritual sacrifice candidate. "James is doing a 2 week placement with us as part of his further studies."
BOFH: Elf of Safety? Orc of Admin. Pleased to meet you
Episode 2There's a small-scale war going on between me, the PFY and the folk in Health and Safety.
BOFH: Password HELL. For you, mate, not for me
Episode 1"Okay, I'll just need your username and password to verify this," the customer rep tells me.
BOFH: The Hypochondriac Boss and the non-random sample
Episode 14 "It's called Selection Bias," I say to the Boss.
BOFH: The Idiot-ware Project and the Meaningless Acronym
Episode 13"So I just need a bit of help with the O.I.A.A.P." the new Boss blurts, bowling into Mission Control with a folder tucked under his arm.
BOFH: There are no wrong answers, just wrong questions. Mmm, really wrong ones
Episode 12"Look, all we want you to do is take this simple test which will tell us your personality type and the things you respond to," the Boss burbles.
BOFH: The case of the suspicious red icon
Episode 11 So I'm in the office by myself while the PFY is out doing... something... I guess... when one of our atypical difficult users comes in.
BOFH: Free as in free beer or... Oh. 'Free Upgrade'
Episode 10"I TOLD you, I HATE working on printers!" I seethe at the Boss.
BOFH: I found a flying Dragonite on a Windows 2003 domain
Episode 9 Hell hath no fury like a Boss who has taken umbrage - and in this case he happened to hear the PFY discussing how he'd "upgraded" the Boss's Pokémon Go to a full augmented-reality app with a "feature" that made large moving vehicles invisible - just before giving him a virtual reality headset and suggesting that there were some great possibilities at the roundabout at the end of the street. Still, it's not like the PFY borrowed the company van and waited at the roundabout or anything...
BOFH: Follow the paper trail
Episode 8 "We were wondering.. what you were doing with... the storeroom?" the Boss asks.
BOFH: What's your point, caller?
Episode 7"Well I'm... pretty sure I didn't get it!" the PFY says, motioning his mouse aimlessly around the screen for a bit while lazing back in his chair. "Have you tried rebooting your machine?"
BOFH: Thermo-electric funeral
Episode 6 "So all I need is the data from yesterday and maybe the day before," the Boss says, handing over his pride and joy.
BOFH: Sure, I could make your cheapo printer perform miracles
Episode 4It's yet another one of those Fridays where ALL I NEED TO DO IS MAKE IT TO 4pm..
BOFH: I want no memory of this pointless conversation. Alcohol please
Episode 1"Why does it always have to be so difficult with you guys?" the new Boss asks.
BOFH: Taking a spin in a decommissioned racer? On your own grill cam be it
Episode 18 "You know what Google has that we don't have?" the new Boss asks, wandering around Mission Control like the lord of all he surveys.
BOFH: How long does it take to complete Friday's lager-related tasks?
Episode 17 "And so then when you've done your part of the task you simply change your task icon to the 'completed' state, click update, then activate the next task in the project chain, which will send an alert to the next team member that they have a task to complete for the project," the instructor burbles happily.
BOFH: We're miracle workers. But you want us to fix THAT in 10 minutes?
Episode 16"What do you mean 'why's it not working'," the PFY asks.
BOFH: I'm not doing this for the benefit of your health, you know
Episode 15 "Is he still there?" I ask the PFY, maintaining direct eye contact with him so that I can truthfully claim that I didn't see the Health and Safety guy hanging around the hallway to Mission Control like a bad smell.