Online lap dancing guide – by Peter Stringfellows' girlfriend

We were forwarded the homepage URL of strip club owner Peter Stringfellow's girlfriend, Lucy Carr, with the catch line "check this out - v.sad". And sure enough, it is a terrifying insight into the world of a fit but not so bright lap dancer who is currently going out with a hirsute, aging stripclub owner. And, of course, we love it.

However, hidden among the philosophy, quantum physics and snaps with celebrities (including a scanned-in newspaper photo of her, "Stringy" and Hugh Grant), we were intrigued to find a guide to lap dancing. As the frankly-rather-saucy Lucy explains: "I have almost a years experience of lap dancing and although I no longer dance, I think I know pretty much everything about turning a man on! - without even touching him! Follow my advice and you'll have your man begging for more!"

Thus follows a monosyllabic guide to how to get your man begging for more. But the good thing about it is that because it is so simple and practical, it's actually rather good. This is why we draw your attention to it. Now, Lucy is a young, lithe lady and perhaps the thought of your missus writhing and stretching in a tiny g-string is enough to put you off your food, but you could do worse than send her the URL, buy her some flowers and chocolate and a bottle of wine and hope for the best. It will almost certainly come down to pleading, but hey, it's worth a go.

This then is the start of the guide: Lucy's Lap Dancing site. Enjoy. ®

PS. I do not want to know any details about your sordid sex lives, so don't use this story as an excuse to give me the fear. No emails, I repeat, no emails.