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Och aye! It's the Loch Ness Monster – but only Apple fanbois can see it

Photo evidence The Loch Ness monster presents one of the greatest mysteries of recent times. After all, who in their right mind would believe a great green beastie was lurking down at the bottom of a midge-ridden Scottish lake? Now the answer has been revealed, after it emerged Apple fanbois can use their fondleslabs or iPhones to peer at this …
Jasper Hamill, 22 Apr 2014
Kim Jong-un

Sleuths find nosy NORKS drones on the Chinternet

At least one of the suspected North Korean drones found after crashing south of the 38th parallel appears to have been made by a Chinese aviation company. Taiyuan Navigation Friend Aviation Technology is a small UAV-maker based in Taiyuan, the capital of Shanxi province – a little over 1,000 kilometres from Pyongyang as the crow …
Phil Muncaster, 22 Apr 2014

Spanish village called 'Kill the Jews' mulls rebranding exercise

Residents in the Spanish village of Castrillo* Matajudíos (Castrillo Kill the Jews) will vote on Saturday on whether it's time to change the name of their small hamlet in the province of Burgos to something a little less offensive. Castrillo Matajudios as seen on Street View A sign of the old times: Castrillo Matajudíos as …
Lester Haines, 18 Apr 2014
Uncov chronicles the failure of Web 2.0

Commonwealth Bank in comedy Heartbleed blog FAIL

An attempt by Australia's Commonwealth Bank to reassure customers that they would not be harmed by the Heartbleed vulnerability has backfired spectacularly after tech-savvy customers made mincemeat out of a badly worded blog post. A bank representative blogged: “I’m happy to report that our customers can rest assured we are …
Simon Sharwood, 14 Apr 2014

Want a free Bosch steam iron? You'll have to TALK TO THE DEAD

Bosch have invited British punters to commune with the spirit world in order to claim a free steam iron. Anyone who buys a Bosch WAP28360GB or WAQ243D0GB washing machine at Currys is eligible to claim a free steamer, as long as they agree to hand over a small wodge of personal information. One of the questions asks customers …
Jasper Hamill, 14 Apr 2014
Robbie Schoen's tribute to Steve Jobs (photo courtesy of Reg reader John P)

Forget the beach 'n' boardwalk, check out the Santa Cruz STEVE JOBS FOUNTAIN

Pics When Apple cofounder Steve Jobs passed away in 2011, makeshift shrines and memorial tributes popped up around the globe. Steve Jobs fountain sculpture outside the Felix Kulpa Gallery in Santa Cruz, California Bow down and worship the Baked Apple (click to enlarge) Most of these iShrines were temporary in nature and were …
Shaun Nichols, 12 Apr 2014

Happy 40th Playmobil: Reg looks back at small, rude world of our favourite tiny toys

How would you celebrate the 40th anniversary of Playmobil? Make a block booking, obviously. Leaving aside the fact that joke probably refers more to their minifig mates, El Reg is delighted to see that the toy is celebrating its 40th anniversary. Our love of the tiny happy figurines is longstanding and cannot be rationally …
Jasper Hamill, 11 Apr 2014
Life of Brian

Innovation creates instability, you say? BLASPHEMY, you SCUM

Something for the Weekend, Sir? “Mobbafer.” I’m sorry? “Mobbafer.” I didn’t quite catch that. “Mobbafer.” So, ah, you mean, hmm… mob-ba-fer? “Mobbafer! Mobbafer!” When dealing with people who have impenetrable accents – and by that I mean any accent different from my own – I don’t get angry, I get embarrassed. As the interlocutor tries harder to be understood …
Alistair Dabbs, 11 Apr 2014
Festo's "mechanical roo"

Mechanical monster macropod LEAPS out of the lab

If you want evidence for the sad state of science in Australia, here it is: the world's first bionic kangaroo has been developed in Germany. Tool-maker turned industrial automation specialist Festo is responsible for the two-year project that's given the world the robot 'roo. Not only has the mechanical macropod a movement …
Lego Monster Fighters Lord Vampyre

Lego is the TOOL OF SATAN, thunders Polish priest

Lego has changed, according to a Polish priest, who has warned that newer sets of the popular Danish toy are actually tools of Satan that can destroy children's souls. Lego Monster Fighters Lord Vampyre The sweet yellow bricks of yesteryear are no more, apparently, now that Lego has started producing series of minifigs like …
Team Register, 3 Apr 2014

Dark SITH LORD 'Darth Vader' joins battle to rule, er, Ukraine

The Ukrainian Internet Party has announced that a man wearing the costume of the Dark Lord of the Sith is their chosen candidate for the country's presidential elections on 25 May. According to the Russia's Interfax news agency, the party was serious enough to stump up the whopping UAH 2.5 million (approx £132,000) registration …
Team Register, 2 Apr 2014
Air pollution in Harbin, Heilongjiang province, northeastern China, in October 2013

Chinese company counters pollution by importing fresh air

Citizens in a smog-choked part of China have been queuing for bags of air imported from the country's mountain regions. According to both the Wall Street Journal and the Chinese state-run China News Service, a promotional campaign has been offering users the opportunity to take hits from pillow-sized bags of air collected in the …
Shaun Nichols, 1 Apr 2014

Google asks April Fools: Want a job? Be our 'Pokemon Master'

Video Google's Maps team has made an early entry into this year's April Fools' crop of pranks with the introduction of Pokemon to the mobile application. The company said in a video that it would be adding the Pokemon-tracking functionality as part of a campaign to hire a new "Pokemon Master" position within the company. Those who can …
Shaun Nichols, 1 Apr 2014

OkCupid falls out of love with 'anti-gay' Firefox, tells people to see other browsers

Dating website OkCupid has urged lonely hearts to stop using the Firefox browser following the controversial appointment of Brendan Eich as Mozilla's new CEO. Eich, a Mozilla co-founder and the creator of the JavaScript programming language, reportedly donated $1,000 to a campaign in support of Proposition 8, a 2008 California …

Selfies are OVER: Welcome to the age of 'Sleeveface'

When "selfie" made it into the Oxford English Dictionary, and was then anointed word of the year, it was clear that selfies themselves were kind of a big deal in 2013. As a forward-looking organisation, The Reg is always looking for the next trivial big thing and is willing to tip that 2014 will see the rise, rise, and crass …
Simon Sharwood, 31 Mar 2014
Monty Python foot UHDTV

Artists install Monty Python silly walk signs in Norwegian town

A Norwegian town has reminded denizens that a normal gait is preferable to a strange one after Swedish revolutionaries installed a pair of silly walk signs. An art group put two street signs inspired by Monty Python's Ministry of Silly Walks on either side of a zebra crossing. "It's just for fun. There's no deep thought behind …
Jasper Hamill, 31 Mar 2014

Dear Reg: What is a 'Lag' and a 'Jacksey'?

It's Thursday, and we could all do with a bit of light relief at the end of the week, so here is some, in the form of an entertaining email which landed in my inbox earlier this week: To L. Haines, What is a "Lag" ?and what is Jacksey" [sic] ? (article seen on Google TODAY!) Would you be speaking SO RUDELY about a person if …
Lester Haines, 27 Mar 2014
TWIT billboard

You TWITS! Facebook exec erects billboards shaming texting drivers

A Facebook exec is so sick of drivers texting behind the wheel that he now photographs them and puts the images on billboards to shame them. "I've been blown away by the number of people texting while in traffic, on the freeway," Brian Singer, manager of communication design at Facebook, told Gizmodo. "For every nose picker, …
Iain Thomson, 26 Mar 2014

Stop fondling that slab and shag, says lover rubber-glover

SFW It used to be said that where there's muck, there's brass - and never has that phrase been truer than in the world of condom sales. Durex is a company which wants people to have as much sex as possible, as long as they buy a few more rubber johnnies to circumvent the unfortunate baby-making and disease-spreading aspects of the …
Jasper Hamill, 26 Mar 2014

Inmarsat: Doppler effect helped 'locate' MH370

As air and sea searches continue to try and identify and retrieve wreckage from Malaysia Airlines MH370's presumed crash site in the southern Indian Ocean, Inmarsat has briefed Reuters on how it estimated the path the flight took. Since relatively early in the search for the flight, reference has been made to the seven “pings” …
A cow

Bulls hit city streets after alleged Samsung ad shoot hits the fan

The hipster-infused suburb of Newtown in the Australian city of Sydney was today treated to the sight of two water buffalos walking down its main street, reportedly thanks to a SNAFU at a shoot for a Samsung advertisement. News of the bovine visitation broke in the tweet below and the strolling beasts quickly became a talkback …
Simon Sharwood, 25 Mar 2014

Middle England's allotments become metric battlefield

Imperial traditionalists have expressed dismay that allotments will henceforth be measured in metres, thereby ending a 600-year-old system of staking out municipal veg patches in poles. According to the Daily Mail, shocked gardeners have received rent renewal notices from their town halls reclassifying the standard "10 pole" …
Lester Haines, 24 Mar 2014
Toilet

How to Poo on a Date wins odd book title of the year

Getting a date is hard enough to begin with. So what happens if cruel nature calls when things are just starting to get romantic? That's the question posed and answered by a tome titled How To Poo On A Date by Mats & Enzo, which has just won the 36th annual Diagram Prize for Oddest Book Title of the Year. The book achieved 30 …
Jasper Hamill, 24 Mar 2014
Angus Highland cow

Wearable tech for HORNY COWS: Biz slurps £3m for bovine arousal detectors

A firm which designs wearable tech for cows is celebrating after raising more than £3m to help fund its global expansion. Silent Herdsman has been handed the golden bull by a group of investors including Scottish Equity Partners, Albion Ventures and the Scottish Investment Bank. Its technology uses a "decision-support platform …
Jasper Hamill, 24 Mar 2014

Cops bang up squiffy, nude Virginian minx

A Virginian earned herself a cuffing last Saturday night after allegedly rolling up at a cop shop both drunk and in the buff, demanding to see her incarcerated hubby. Maura Fussell poses for an Arlington County Police mugshot According to this report, 26-year-old Maura Fussell, of Reston, arrived at Arlington Magistrate’s …
Lester Haines, 21 Mar 2014
Malaysia Airlines Boeing 777 9M-MRO

5 Eyes in the Sky: The TRUTH about Flight MH370 and SPOOKSATS

Comment That the US and other nations operate spy satellites capable of taking very detailed photographs of Earth is not in doubt. But the idea that those satellites have been pressed into service to find downed Malaysian Airlines flight MH370, and that it is therefore possible to infer some of the satellites' capabilities, is very …
Simon Sharwood, 21 Mar 2014

Vote now for the top reader Limerick limerick

Poll A couple of weeks back, we reported on the shock case of the biroless Irish police station which posed a serious threat to public order in Limerick. Judge Eugene O'Kelly heard the case of one miscreant who rolled up at the Henry Street gardaí station "to sign on as a condition of his bail relating to a separate matter". He was …
Lester Haines, 21 Mar 2014

Every little helps: Dirty MOLE BANDITS clean out Tesco ATM from BELOW

The movies tell us that tunnels are normally dug when a person locked behind bars laboriously scrapes away dirt with just a spoon to secretly set themselves free. Now some naughty scamps in Salford, Greater Manchester, have used the technique, not to escape, but to break their way into a shop to steal cash out of an ATM. …
Team Register, 21 Mar 2014

Monkey steals iPod touch, loses interest in minutes

Whatever Apple's up to with its strongly-hinted-at new products, investors will be hoping it's not aiming at the simian market after a monkey reportedly lost interest in an iPod touch after just a few minutes. The iPod Touch in question was dropped by ten year-old Stormi-Lee Whitford during a visit to Auckland Zoo, according to …
Simon Sharwood, 20 Mar 2014

Eight hour cleansing to get all the 'faggots' and 'bitches' OUT of Github

A small army of politically correct nerds will gather in London this weekend to launch a mission to "clean up" source code hosted by GitHub. A group calling itself Ethical Code claimed the platform has become a hub for, er, gits who insist on peppering their work with nasty words that have the potential to shock and offend. At …
Jasper Hamill, 19 Mar 2014

French novel falls foul of Apple's breast inspectors

NSFW French publishing house Les Editions des Equateurs is protesting vociferously that Apple has declined to to carry its novel La Femme online, due to an excessively jubular cover. Bénédicte Martin's book is set for release on 20 March, but won't be available via the fruity monolith due to an "inappropriate" image of a topless …
Lester Haines, 18 Mar 2014
An Amazon Prime Air drone

Think drone delivery is hot air? A BREWERY just proved you wrong

When Amazon.com last year floated the idea it might one day deliver goods by drone, plenty of folks thought the launch was really just hot air. But Minnesota brewery Lakemaid has just proved that Jeff Bezos is indeed a visionary of the highest order by proving the idea with the aerial despatch of twelve bottles of its Frosty …
Simon Sharwood, 18 Mar 2014

Wackadoo DIYers scissor-kick beatboxer

The Oxford English Dictionary has announced the latest tranche of terms to be admitted to its hallowed pages, including some c-words so strong that neither we nor the Daily Mail dare utter them before a family readership. On the roster of almost 900 new words, new subentries and new senses we find that "beatboxer" "bestie", " …
Lester Haines, 17 Mar 2014

Vine's 'educational nudity': 'So if I write 1+1=2 on my boobs we're grand?'

Quotw This was the week when the internet World Wide Web turned 25 and websites were stuffed with listicles and infographics telling us all about it. But said sites also unfortunately found it difficult to differentiate between the Web and the internet. (For clarity, the internet is the one that's stored in a black box, see …

O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay! Friday is Pi Day

At 1:59 in the morning on Friday, March 14 – or, for convenience, at 1:59 in the afternoon – take a moment to pause and contemplate π (aka pi), as, if you write your date US style, that's the moment to celebrate the universal glory that is Pi Day. Yes, one more year has come and and gone, and it's again time to continue a …
Rik Myslewski, 14 Mar 2014

Brawling neighbours challenge 'quiet' cul-de-sac myth

A decidedly unneighbourly dispute over cat crap which ended in flying feline faeces and court appears to challenge the myth of the traditional "quiet" cul-de-sac. The unholy rumpus in Chippenham, Wiltshire, inspired a Daily Mail headline containing "Neighbours in quiet suburban cul-de-sac brawl over CAT POO", which in turn …
Lester Haines, 13 Mar 2014

NZ bloke's drunken poker bet ends in 99-letter name

A New Zealand lad is finally feeling the full effect of a lost poker bet some five years after he was obliged to change his name to "Full Metal Havok More Sexy N Intelligent Than Spock And All The Superheroes Combined With Frostnova." According to the New Zealand Herald, the 22-year-old Normanby local duly registered his new …
Lester Haines, 12 Mar 2014

Irish plod biro outrage invites Limerick Limerick challenge

Our piece yesterday on the Irish judge who got a tad shirty about a certain Limerick cop shop's lack of biros prompted a less than expected level of lyricism from our beloved commentards. Surely, if there were ever an occasion to lovingly craft a snappy Limerick, this was it, so we're disappointed to report that just two readers …
Lester Haines, 11 Mar 2014

Florida bloke cuffed for pit bull shag outrage

A Florida dog-lover earned himself a cuffing last week after allegedly making the beast with two backs with a pit bull, this shock local report recounts. According to cops, Tampa officers were flagged down by locals disturbed by 57-year-old Bernard Marsonek's public display of cano-jiggyness Police mugshot of Bernard Marsonek …
Lester Haines, 10 Mar 2014

Show more CANADIAN-MADE PORN, insists Canadian government

Canada's official broadcasting regulator has demanded that adult TV channels show more domestically-produced porn, saying that a flood of foreign smut is dominating their output. It seems that Canadian regulations require that 35 per cent of programming on any TV channel must be produced beneath the maple-leaf banner, and …
Lewis Page, 10 Mar 2014

Police pen shortage threatens Irish public order

An Irish judge has expressed concerns that a police biro shortage may pose a serious threat to public order in Limerick. According to the Irish Independent, several miscreants have been dragged before the beak for "engaging in a threatening and abusive manner" in the public office at Henry Street gardaí station as a result of …
Lester Haines, 10 Mar 2014
Parrot Ar.Drone

Plod foils drone drug drop down under

Police in the Australian State of Victoria claim to have stopped a drone that was allegedly attempting to deliver a bag of drugs into a prison. Victoria's finest were called to the maximum security Metropolitan Remand Centre in the Melbourne suburb of Ravenhall on Sunday afternoon, after reports a drone was buzzing about near …
Simon Sharwood, 10 Mar 2014