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Wayne Rooney razzles in X-Men: Apocalypse plug

It's Friday, and if you need a solid excuse to run screaming from your PC in search of a pint, look no further than this direful Manchester United plug for X-Men: Apocalypse: Anything for the team you say, @WayneRooney? Good luck! #XMenApocalypse https://t.co/ym1XtMansq — Manchester United (@ManUtd) May 20, 2016 Reaction …
Lester Haines, 20 May 2016

Hack probing poodle sacrifice cuffed for public crap

An Arizona TV journalist on assignment covering the alleged sacrifice and smoking of a family poodle was arrested earlier this week for allegedly dropping his pants and dumping a load in public. According to the Phoenix New Times, CBS 5's Jonathan Lowe is alleged to have been caught short in the Phoenix suburb of Goodyear, …
Lester Haines, 20 May 2016

India roasts as mercury hits 51°C

Those readers with a tendency to wilt with rising temperatures are advised to steer clear of the Indian state of Rajasthan, where the mercury yesterday hit a blistering 51°C. The city of Phalodi broke India's previous record of 50.6°C, registered in 1956, during a heatwave which has seen the country's north and west suffer …
Lester Haines, 20 May 2016
Airbus rendering of the new Beluga XL jetliner

Airbus to build plane that's even uglier than the A380

The A380 may be able to haul hundreds of people across oceans and continents in considerable comfort, but aerosexuals* find it hard to love on aesthetic grounds. And now Airbus has signalled it intends to make even uglier planes next year. You'll need to be a very dedicated aviation enthusiast to see the new ugly birds, …
Simon Sharwood, 20 May 2016
Google car

Reavers! Google patent would affix pedestrians to car hoods

Google has been granted a patent on a system that would adhere victims of car strikes to the vehicle for their own safety. US Patent 9,340,178 describes a substance that would be hidden under a protective layer, only to be exposed on impact to adhere pedestrians or crash victims to the car rather than tumbling to the pavement …
Shaun Nichols, 19 May 2016
Nigel Farage, leader of UKIP. Pic: Jennifer Jane Mills

5% of drivers want Nigel Farage to be their in-car robo butler

Five per cent of Britons would choose the voice of Nigel Farage as their in-car virtual assistant. And 3 per cent want to be advised of traffic jams ahead by the Chuckle Brothers. The poll of over 2,000 Britons for voice company Nuance suggests a wide range of celebrity choices, although perhaps thankfully, more would choose a …
Andrew Orlowski, 17 May 2016

Radiohead vid prompts Trumpton rumpus

Brit band Radiohead have got the good burghers of Middle England choking on their breakfast cereal with the video for single Burn the Witch, which reinvents an idyllic English village as a dark rural enclave of "paganism and sacrificial murder". A still from Burn The Witch, showing a pagan ritual Burn The Witch: Paganism and …
Lester Haines, 16 May 2016

'Knucklehead' Kansas bloke shoots self in foot

A Kansas high school graduation ceremony ended prematurely for two attendees yesterday when one shot himself in the foot with a concealed handgun, in the process seriously wounding another. According to local news outlet KWCH, the incident occurred just before 2pm yesterday at Augusta High School's outdoor stadium, when a man …
Lester Haines, 16 May 2016

Aussie wedges spam javelin in ring spanner

An Australian man whose penis somehow became lodged in a ring spanner earlier this week was freed in the traditional manner - by a fire crew bearing an angle grinder. According to this local report, "firies" were called to a hospital in the New South Wales city of Tweed Heads on Monday to perform what for them is apparently …
Lester Haines, 13 May 2016

Russia faces Ukraine and Georgia in Eurovision deathmatch

In what promises to be an entertaining night, politically at least, Russia, Ukraine and Georgia will face off in Saturday's Eurovision Song Contest final in Stockholm. Yesterday's second semifinal saw Ukraine's Jamala's cheerful ditty 1944 safely through to challenge Russkie crooner Sergey Lazarev and You Are The Only One for …
Lester Haines, 13 May 2016
School Computer Lab from Shutterstock

Banning computers makes students do better on exams – MIT

Students who have access to computer devices in the classroom do significantly worse than colleagues without them, a study has found. In a study by MIT's School Effectiveness & Inequality Initiative, titled The Impact of Computer Usage on Academic Performance: Evidence from a Randomized Trial at the United States Military …

French duck-crushing device sells for €40k

A duck-crushing device pertaining to posh Paris eatery Tour d'Argent has sold at auction for a wallet-draining €40,000. The silver-plated duck press was specifically created for the preparation of the restaurant's signature canard à la presse, and had been expected to attract around €4,000-€6,000 when it went under the hammer …
Lester Haines, 10 May 2016

Japanese artist fined for virtual vagina files

Artist Megumi Igarashi - aka "Rokudenashi-ko" - has been fined ¥400,000 (roughly £2,560) for distributing 3D printable files of her genitalia - an offence under Japan's obscenity laws which prohibit the depiction of reproductive parts. Igarashi was cuffed back in July 2014 for supplying virtual ladyparts via email to a "30- …
Lester Haines, 9 May 2016
A wasp, from Shutterstock

Wasps force two passenger jets into emergency landings

More proof that everything in Australia is trying to kill you: the nation's Transport Safety Bureau (ATSB) has published details of how wasps have caused two passenger jets to make emergency landings. The good news: the wasps in question are not some kind of giant mutants that can bat a plane from the sky and sting it on the …

'Bitcoin creator' Craig Yeah Wright in meltdown

The creator of Craig Wright, Craig Wright, has managed to stay in the news for a fourth day: this time for having a depressingly inevitable meltdown following his failure, yet again, to prove he is the inventor of digi-currency bitcoin. Earlier this week, the Australian went direct to three UK media outlets -– the BBC, …

Woman charged with blowing AU$4.6m overdraft on 'a lot of handbags'

A 21-year-old woman has appeared in court in Sydney accused of taking advantage of a Westpac Bank glitch which saw her accidentally granted an unlimited overdraft against which she allegedly withdrew AU$4.6m, "part of which she spent on luxury handbags", as news.com.au puts it. Chemical engineering student Christine Jiaxin Lee …
Lester Haines, 5 May 2016

Siemens Healthcare struck by rebranding madness

Logowatch Those of delicate linguistic sensibilities are advised to look away as we report today that the Siemens tentacle previous known as Siemens Healthcare has gone under the surgeon's rebranding knife and emerged as the quite remarkable Siemens Healthineers. The Siemens Healthineers logo According to head honcho healthineer …
Lester Haines, 5 May 2016

EU set to bin €500 note

The European Central Bank (ECB) will likely agree today to stop production of the meaty €500 note, which has long been considered a handy tool for criminals wishing to do illicit transactions with cash wedges of manageable dimensions. According to the Wall Street Journal, the ECB's Governing Council will decide not to produce …
Lester Haines, 4 May 2016

Venezuela tops world lightning conductor league

Venezuela's Lake Maracaibo has wrested the world's "maximum lightning activity" crown from Africa's Congo Basin, according to electrifying data from the joint NASA and Japan Aerospace Exploration Agency (JAXA) Tropical Rainfall Measuring Mission (TRMM). Using 16 years of detection data from the now-deceased TRMM satellite's …
Lester Haines, 3 May 2016
Messerschmitt micro-car

Auto erotic: Self-driving cars will let occupants bonk on the go

A Canadian car safety expert has introduced the world to a surprising moral panic, warning that if people no longer have to drive their cars, they'll have sex in them instead. The idea that an autonomous vehicle might become a “shaggin' wagon”* comes from Barrie Kirk, Executive Director of the Canadian Automated Vehicles …

Your mother has a smooth forehead, Klingon language lovers roar at Paramount

The Language Creation Society is very unhappy about an effort by movie studio Paramount to copyright the language of bumpy-headed Star Trek aliens, the Klingons. In an amicus curiae brief filed with an LA court, the society claims that Klingon is a "living language" and cannot be owned. "The greater whole is a living …
Kieren McCarthy, 29 Apr 2016

Nearly two billion in the bank and yet this VC is slowly losing his beach-blocking battle

The six-year effort by VC Vinod Khosla to prevent public access to a California beach may be going against the billionaire. In a 3-0 ruling, a San Francisco appeals court reinstated part of a lawsuit brought against the Sun Microsystems co-founder that will now allow lawyers to argue that the land's former owners had granted a …
Kieren McCarthy, 28 Apr 2016
Toilet

Redback sinks fangs into Oz builder's todger

An Aussie builder was the victim of a classic redback spider attack earlier his week when an eight-legged beast sank its fangs into his todger while he sat on a portaloo. The unnamed 21-year-old "tradie" (tradesman) was enjoying an early-morning squat on the mobile dunny at a site in the south of Sydney when the creature …
Lester Haines, 27 Apr 2016

China's Dalek-like robots fear only one terrifying nemesis: Stairs

Pics What's the difference between China's "first" robot security guard AnBot and a Dalek? One is a ruthless, slow moving and slightly menacing autonomous machine fitted with a space-age anti-human weapon and designed to weed out all those who stand against its authoritarian rule – and the other stars in Doctor Who. AnBot was …
Chris Williams, 27 Apr 2016
flag.Japan

Tokyo rebrands 2020 Olympics

LOGOWATCH Tokyo has whipped the covers off a couple of new logos for the 2020 Olympics, after it was forced to bin the previous brand frontage over plagiarism claims. The new Tokyo 2020 Olympic logos According to the organisers, Asao Tokolo's "harmonized chequered emblem" featuring "the traditional Japanese colour of indigo blue …
Lester Haines, 26 Apr 2016

Silicon Valley, season 3: CEO Richard learns humility, tech style

Recap While everyone was getting excited about a sexy witch turning into a distinctly unsexy witch over on Game of Thrones, the true nerds tuned in last night to catch the season 3 opener of Silicon Valley – Mike Judge's caustic and hilarious satire on our favorite den of disruption. It did not disappoint. It's been nearly a year …
Kieren McCarthy, 26 Apr 2016

If you're appy and you know it, say five Hail Marys – cyber-Pope

Pope Francis is pushing young Catholics to put down their phones in order to find peace of mind. Speaking at an event in St Peter's Square at the Vatican, the pontiff told a crowd of around 100,000 people that happiness can not be found with their smartphones. "[Happiness is] not an app that you can download on your phones, …
Shaun Nichols, 25 Apr 2016

US intercepts Bermuda Triangle bubble podule

An adventurer's audacious plan to venture forth from Florida into the Bermuda Triangle in a "hydro pod bubble" came to a premature end on Sunday when the US Coast Guard intervened to scupper the "inherently unsafe voyage attempt". Iranian Ray "Reza" Baluchi, 44, was on his second attempt to conquer the ocean aboard his hamster …
Lester Haines, 25 Apr 2016

Romania suffers Eurovision premature ejection

Romania has been prematurely ejected from this year's Eurovision Song Contest after state broadcaster Televiziunea Română (TVR) failed to cough fees owed to the European Broadcasting Union (EBU). The shock expulsion came after the EBU gave the Romanian government - which it views as "legally obliged to underwrite TVR's debt …
Lester Haines, 22 Apr 2016

Irish mum coughs to children's allowance fiddle

An Irish mother has been given until October to repay the balance of €15,618 in children's allowance payments which she claimed while working for Microsoft in Australia. Clodagh Logue, 42, pleaded guilty at Dublin District Court to an offence under the Social Welfare Consolidation Act, the Irish Independent reports. The court …
Clodagh Doyle, 21 Apr 2016

Larry Ellison's Brit consortium in 'advanced talks' to buy Aston Villa

Larry Ellison is rumoured to be mulling a substantial cash injection into a foundering business which has seen itself unable to compete in recent years with more powerful rivals. No, not Oracle, but Aston Villa, according to the the word on the street and in The Sun, which says that a Brit consortium linked to the US …
Paul Kunert, 21 Apr 2016

Obama London visit prompts drone no-fly zone

The Secretary of State for Transport has imposed flight restrictions over London for US president Barack Obama's forthcoming visit to the capital, meaning aircraft including "any small balloon, any kite weighing not more than two kilograms, any small unmanned aircraft and any parachute including a parascending parachute" are …
Lester Haines, 19 Apr 2016

Are bearded blokes more sexist?

Scientists have critically discovered that men with beards are not necessarily more sexist than clean-shaven chaps, despite previous research which indicated "a connection between facial hair and negative attitudes about women". Back in 2015, Aussie researchers Barnaby J. Dixson and Julian A. Oldmeadow asked 309 Indian and 223 …
Lester Haines, 19 Apr 2016
Scott on the surface of the Moon during Apollo 15. Pic: NASA

Obama to admit Moon landing was faked?

Bookie Paddy Power has conceded it seriously underestimated Leicester City's chances of winning the Premier League, rating that laughable prospect when the season kicked off as less likely than Obama admitting the Moon landing was faked. Back in August, the odds against Claudio Ranieri's team pulling off a historic triumph …
Lester Haines, 18 Apr 2016

NZ Pastafarians joined in noodly wedlock

A New Zealand couple had the honour of celebrating the world's first Pastafarian wedding on Saturday, when Ministeroni Karen Martyn joined Marianna Fenn and Toby Ricketts in noodly wedlock. The historic ceremony took place aboard a vessel in Akaroa harbor, where Fenn and Ricketts - dressed as pirates - exchanged pasta rings, …
Lester Haines, 18 Apr 2016

NZ hotel bans cyclists' Lycra-clad loins

A New Zealand hotel has struck a blow for dining decorum by banning Lycra-clad cyclists, lest elderly customers and wide-eyed kiddies cop an unwelcome eyeful of their "unsightly" tackle. Visitors pedalling up to The Plough Hotel in Rangiora, on NZ's South Island, were greeted with a sign yesterday which read: "The bicycle is a …
Lester Haines, 15 Apr 2016
Flag of czech republic on cobbled stret in prague. Photo by Shutterstock - editorial use only

Czech Republic to rebrand

The Czech Republic will henceforth be known as "Czechia", if the rebrand agreed by government leaders yesterday wins parliamentary approval. The move will result in massive thread savings for sports goods manufacturers, according to the BBC, because they'll no longer be obliged to spell out "Czech Republic" on shirts and the …
Lester Haines, 15 Apr 2016

Chilling evidence emerges of Kilocat weapon

Our recent speculation that it might be possible to hoist 1,000 cats aloft under a helium-filled, stadium-sized sandwich bag and then drop them from 32km to devastating effect appears to be somewhat more than idle Friday afternoon pre-pub musing. Sensationally, we at El Reg have obtained solid evidence that the US has indeed …
Lester Haines, 15 Apr 2016
Amplifier with '11' setting on volume by https://www.flickr.com/photos/kainet/ cc 2.0 attribution sharealike https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0/

South Korea to upgrade national stereo defence system for US$16m

South Korea has issued a tender for a new national defence stereo system. The democratic enclave in North-East Asia has long operated huge banks of speakers on its side of the demilitarised zone it shares with North Korea. South Korea uses the speakers to broadcast propaganda and K-Pop into the North, with troops along the …
Simon Sharwood, 15 Apr 2016

Bay Area man forced out of his $400 box home

Illustrator Peter Berkowitz had been forced out of his $400-a-month box home in San Francisco after officials ruled it a fire hazard. Berkowitz became a minor celebrity when he spoke to his local NBC station about his custom built pod in the living room of his friends' house in Outer Sunset. The rent is San Francisco is so …
Kieren McCarthy, 13 Apr 2016

US bus passenger cracks one off for three hours

A passenger aboard a Megabus service to Coralville, Iowa, was cuffed on arrival on Sunday after cracking one off for three hours in the mistaken belief that a female fellow traveller appreciated his marathon five-knuckle shuffle. Telly Shadell Corey, 41, allegedly kicked off by playing with his todger in his sweatpants but " …
Lester Haines, 12 Apr 2016

UK cops trial £250k drone squadron

Surrey and Sussex Police have received almost £250k of Police Innovation Fund cash to acquire four UAVs as part of the "largest trial of police drones in England and Wales". The forces will augment their existing capability of one Aeryon SkyRanger - operating at Gatwick since 2014 - with four more examples of the Canadian-built …
Lester Haines, 12 Apr 2016