Bootnotes > More stories

Alert! The dastardly Dutch are sailing a 90-ship fleet at Blighty

The Dutch are preparing to invade English seas with a fleet of 90 vessels after a previous expedition boarded the Royal Navy’s flagship and stole the Royal Coat of Arms from her. In a celebration of Dutch Admiral De Ruyter’s 1667 raid on Chatham Dockyard, which resulted in English flagship HMS Royal Charles being boarded and …
Gareth Corfield, 24 Feb 2017
Woman with "crying with laughter" emoji for a head... photo by Shutterstock

Visit banter.com. More like International BANTS Machines, amirite?

IBM staffers might not feel there's much to laugh about at the moment, with more swathes of redundancies on the way or the directive to kill off home working, but at least there's still plenty of banter to be had at the firm. Well, Banter.com to be precise. The unlikely sounding domain for the growth-strapped biz was acquired …
Kat Hall, 24 Feb 2017
Shaun of the Dead

I want it hot and wet – preferably with Wi-Fi

Something for the Weekend, Sir? I came too soon. Normally this is not a problem. Coming early allows me to regather my strength so that I can then go at it, full-on, for the next eight hours. On this occasion, however, I misjudged the situation and came much too soon. As a result I am standing outside on the pavement in the rain instead of sitting in a warm …
Alistair Dabbs, 24 Feb 2017
Football goes into the net/ photo by shutterstock

Swedish politician wants weekly hour of paid sex. For exercise

A Swedish municipality may allow its workers to get on the job while on the clock, for an hour each week. This idea comes to the world thanks to Per-Erik Muskos, a councillor in the Swedish district of Övertorneå, which is a whisker to the south of the Arctic Circle and home to under 2,000 people. As it happens, your …
Team Register, 24 Feb 2017

Get this: Tech industry thinks journos are too mean. TOO MEAN?!

The tech press has dared to lean away from its core mission of making technology companies more profitable, says tech advocacy house ITIF. The industry-funded think tank has cooked up an 18-page report [PDF] that laments what it says is a shift in the media from a "positive" attitude in the 1980s and 1990s to one that is more …
Shaun Nichols, 22 Feb 2017
Metal Gear Solid V: The Phantom Pain

A webcam is not so much a leering eye as the barrel of a gun

Something for the Weekend, Sir? “Strip it off!” commands a disembodied voice. “We want to see what you’ve got!” Strangers are watching me all across the Internet, waiting for the big reveal. At least, they would be if they could see anything. I have joined a Skype conference that is to be live-streamed to the general public and, subsequently, edited into a …
Alistair Dabbs, 17 Feb 2017
Walmart 'Cat's Away IPA'

FAKE BREWS: America rocked by 'craft beer' scandal allegations

US big-box chain Walmart is being sued by an Ohio bloke who claims the retailer's line of "craft beers" is an egregious lie. Matthew Adam, of Hamilton County, is championing a class-action lawsuit alleging Walmart's line of "Trouble Brewing" beers is an act of fraud and false advertising. According to Adam's complaint [PDF], …
Shaun Nichols, 17 Feb 2017
Conchita Wurst. Editorial use only: Credit: Yulia Reznikov / Shutterstock, Inc.

Nul points for Ukraine's Eurovision ticket site fail

Eurovision fans purchasing tickets to the event in Ukraine this year were left frustrated due to a number of technical and payment issues with the website last night. One reader got in touch to report that the Ukrainian ticketing site concert.ua had experienced a "spectacular failure in payment process, security and ticket …
Kat Hall, 16 Feb 2017
Lord_Of_the_Rings_ring

King's College London bods recruit members for penis ring study

Boffins at King's College London are looking for gents in committed relationships who don't mind slipping a variety of rings over their old fellas to measure the relationship between satisfaction and depth of penetration during sexual intercourse. The research effort is erupting out the uni's Institute of Psychiatry, and is …
Clodagh Doyle, 14 Feb 2017
Ireland and Great Britain map, image via Shutterstock

Get orf the air over moi land Irish farmer roars at drones

A farmer in County Tipperary has declared war on drones, claiming criminals are using the buzz-some devices to scope out rural areas for burglaries. Robert O’Shea, from near Thurles, launched his broadside after Irish police declared that shooting at drones was illegal, the Irish Independent reported. "Gun licences are …
Joe Fay, 10 Feb 2017
Engineer aboard Das Boot U-96 responds to telegraphs

All of Blighty's attack submarines are out of action – report

None of the Royal Navy's seven attack submarines are deployed on operations at the moment, according to reports, which potentially threatens the security of Britain's nuclear deterrent. The Sun reported this morning that six of the seven boats are in maintenance – except for the seventh, HMS Astute, which is still undergoing …
Gareth Corfield, 10 Feb 2017
Tom Baker Doctor Who

You want WHO?! Reg readers vote Tom Baker for Doctor 13. Of course

To be cast as Doctor Who once might be regarded as fortunate, but to be Doctor twice would be AWESOME! According to Reg voters, at least, who've picked Jelly Baby-toting Tom Baker as their choice for BBC's next Time Lord. Baker beat ex-BBC petrolhead Jeremy Clarkson by 547 votes to 544 as Reg readers' choice to play the 13th …
Gavin Clarke, 10 Feb 2017
Magic act, image via Shutterstock

Welcome to my world of The Unexplained – yes, you're welcome to it

Something for the Weekend, Sir? I'm getting funny dreams again. Either that or I have stepped into one of Arthur C Clarke's episodes of Mysterious World of The Unexplained albeit without the Sri Lankan foliage and Eric Morecambe glasses. Inexplicable things have been occurring around me this week. In other circumstances, this might be fun. With the grim …
Alistair Dabbs, 10 Feb 2017
Friends look shocked watching TV. photo by Shutterstock

Prepare your popcorn: Wikipedia deems the Daily Mail unreliable

Welcome, Mr Dacre. Wikipedia editors have voted to put The Daily Mail in the sin bin – alongside The Register. After a small but decisive vote involving around 80 contributors, the Mail is now classified as a "potentially unreliable source" on its advice page. This doesn't mean its a "policy" or a "guideline", but editors are …
Andrew Orlowski, 09 Feb 2017

The best of Reg readers' David Hockney-style logo redesigns

Pics Last week we challenged our commentards to redesign The Register's masthead in the style of David Hockney, after the artist scrawled over The Sun's logo in Paintbrush. True to form, our dear readers did not disappoint – albeit with some examples being slightly more true to the Hockney form than we had hoped. Hockney, 79, …
Gareth Corfield, 08 Feb 2017
Concorde at Aerospace Bristol museum

Last Concorde completes last journey, at maybe Mach 0.02

VID The last Concorde to take to the skies, G-BOAF (216), has come to a stop for the final time in the soon-to-open Aerospace Bristol museum. The supersonic passenger plane first flew on 20 April 1979 and touched down for the last time on 26 November 2003. The plane was the last Concorde to roll off the production line and the …
Simon Sharwood, 08 Feb 2017
An RAF Airbus Voyager tanker-cum-troop transport aircraft. Pic: MoD/Crown copyright

RAF pilot sent jet into 4,000ft plummet by playing with camera, court martial hears

An RAF pilot sent his military airliner into a dramatic dive after the DSLR camera he was mucking about with became wedged in the aircraft's controls, a court martial heard yesterday. Flight Lieutenant Andrew Townshend caused his Airbus Voyager – a militarised A330 airliner – to plummet 4,400 feet in 33 seconds during a flight …
Gareth Corfield, 07 Feb 2017
A cartoon mountie

Canadian telco bans a little four-letter dirty word from texts: U B E R

A Canadian phone network says a wayward spam filter is to blame for blocking text messages that contained the word "Uber". Mobile carrier Fido said a glitch in its software dropped any message with the four-letter word while in transit and never delivered the texts to the intended recipient. Folks on Reddit catalogued the …
Shaun Nichols, 07 Feb 2017

Parents have no idea when kidz txt m8s 'KMS' or '99'

Most adults have no idea what their kids mean when they use text terms such as "KMS", "99" or emoji faces with cross eyes, according to an unsurprising piece of research by BT. The survey of 4,500 adults was conducted by BT to raise awareness of Safer Internet Day. "Popular online slang and emojis used by children to …
Kat Hall, 06 Feb 2017

A non-Standards Soviet approved measure of weight? Sod off, BBC!

An eagle-eyed Reg reader has spotted a dastardly BBC attempt to muscle in on the Reg Standards Soviet’s turf – by devising a new and highly unauthorised measure of weight. In an otherwise unremarkable story from last week about construction of the Queensferry Crossing bridge between Edinburgh and Fife being completed, the Beeb …
Gareth Corfield, 06 Feb 2017
The Scientific Secrets of Doctor Who book cover

Who do you want to be Who? VOTE for the BBC's next Time Lord

Poll Peter Capaldi will demateralise as the 12th Time Lord this Christmas after four years. Capaldi was cast as Doctor Who by franchise owner the BBC in 2013 but will bow out with a regeneration during this year's Christmas special. Regenerations are always a reflective and throat-tightening event. Thanks, BBC – there goes my …
Gavin Clarke, 03 Feb 2017

Would you like to know why I get a lot of action at night?

Something for the Weekend, Sir? I've been up all night, doing the business like hammer and tongs, going at it again and again. I can be relentless when I'm on the job – a man of action and drama. Of course, there are things I'd rather be doing than trying to get all my work prepared the night before I set off on a business trip. For example, going to bed …
Alistair Dabbs, 03 Feb 2017
Look upon my works, ye mighty, and giggle inanely. Sorry, David

David Hockney creates new Sun masthead. Now for The Reg...

Logowatch Artist David Hockney has redesigned the masthead of The Sun newspaper – and in the spirit of free expression and artistic endeavour we want you, dear Reg readers, to join us in honouring this beacon moment in the cultural life of Great Britain. 79-yr-old Hockney put finger to iPad on behalf of Rupert Murdoch’s super soaraway …
Gareth Corfield, 03 Feb 2017
Crocodile Dundee, 20th Century Fox.

'Completely offended' Sheila calls cops over price-gouging ganja dealer

Aussie coppers have got into the consumer rights business after a distraught stoner turned to them to complain about profiteering by her local pot dealer. The Northern Territory's Police, Fire and Emergency Services social media team took to Facebook on Sunday to ask followers: "Is your drug dealer ripping you off?" The …
Clodagh Doyle, 02 Feb 2017
A Badger

New measurement alerts! Badgers, great white sharks and the Lindisfarne Gospel

Reg Standards Bureau Our thanks today are due to Michelle O'Sullivan, late of this parish, who snapped a wonderful poster boasting to residents of the LINQ Hotel in Las Vegas of its recycling prowess. Image courtesy of Michelle O'Sullivan Guests are informed that" "Every year, The LINQ Hotel recycles the equivalent weight of 600 great white …

Coming to the big screen: Sci-fi epic Dune – no wait, wait, wait, this one might be good

The legendary sci-fi novel Dune is going to be turned into a movie again – and, thanks to director Denis Villeneuve, it may not suck. As the largest-selling sci-fi book of all time, Dune, written by Frank Herbert, is revered for its epic scale as much as for its insights into the human psyche. Despite its seemingly cinematic …
Kieren McCarthy, 02 Feb 2017

Ohio bloke accused of torching own home after his pacemaker rats him out to cops

A man has been indicted on arson and insurance fraud charges after police got hold of readings from his pacemaker that called his alibi into question. Last September, firefighters in Middletown, Ohio, were called to a blaze gutting Ross Compton's house. The 59-year-old chap told police the fire broke out indoors, and that he …
Iain Thomson, 01 Feb 2017
Rocking chair on porch. Photo  By Tapui/shutterstock

Well-rested women in danger of bouncing their men into early grave

Older women getting their full quota of kip are far more likely to be getting a full quota of other types of bedroom action too, research by the North American Menopause Society has shown. The news should bring a smile to the face of male partners of more mature women - except that it has already been proven that men who are …
Clodagh Doyle, 01 Feb 2017
Trump

Parliamentary Trump-off? Pro-Donald petition passes 100k signatures

Proving that democracy is just fine in the internet era, a petition demanding that Donald Trump should be invited to make a state visit to the UK has passed 100,000 signatures – passing the threshold to be "considered" for a Parliamentary debate. The petition was set up in response to a much more popular one demanding that …
Gareth Corfield, 31 Jan 2017

Corn-based diet turns French hamsters into baby eating cannibals

French farmers’ embrace of modern farming is turning the already endangered local hamster population into black-tongued baby eating pyschos, scientists have found. Turning over massive tracts of land to maize-raising has destroyed the cuddly cheek-stuffers' previously diverse diet, with their monotonous intake also exposing …
Clodagh Doyle, 30 Jan 2017
Trump

God save the Queen... from Donald Trump. So say 1 million Britons

More than a million Britons have signed an online petition begging the government to prevent American President Donald Trump from making a state visit to the United Kingdom. The petition, which the Monday-muddled hacks at The Register are guessing is the most popular to have ever graced the site, broke 1,000,000 signatures …
Ollie Henry, 30 Jan 2017
Poison pill

'Maker' couple asphyxiated, probably by laser cutter fumes

About that “3D laser printer killed Berkeley couple” story? It's more likely to have been a laser cutter. The sad story is that 35-year-old Roger Morash and 32-year-old Valerie Morash were found dead in their Berkeley apartment, along with their two cats. Broadcaster CBS first reported the couple showed symptoms consistent …
Dutch police

Police pull up van man engaged in dual carriageway sex act

A randy van man faces three points or a driver education course after he and a female passenger were nabbed in flagrante while whizzing down the A3 at Guildford in Surrey, England, yesterday. Surrey police appear to be conducting a crackdown at the moment on drivers using their mobes while driving. However, we presume a …
Clodagh Doyle, 28 Jan 2017
troll

Did you know? The FBI investigated Gamergate. Now you can read the agents' thrilling dossier

The FBI has released documents detailing its inconclusive investigation into threats made by online gamers against several women that started in 2014, particularly media critic Anita Sarkeesian and game developer Brianna Wu. The incident, known as Gamergate – a reference to the Twitter hashtag used by some of the women's …
Thomas Claburn, 27 Jan 2017
Toilet with smiling loo paper

Counter-terror cops arrest pair for sending poo-smeared toilet paper to public figures

An Italian couple have been nicked by counter-terror cops for, some, er, smearing letters they had sent to public figures. According to the Italian rozzers, over a two-year spree, the 71-year-old and his 54-year-old partner sent threatening and defamatory letters to high-profile targets, which also contained toilet paper …
Team Register, 27 Jan 2017

Devonians try to drive Dartmoor whisky plan onto rocks

Devonians are up in arms after plans for a whisky, or possibly whiskey, distillery on Dartmoor were derided as “too Scottish”. Or possibly too Japanese.. Or maybe even too Irish.* Princetown Distillers has submitted plans for a £4m hooch factory in the town of Princetown, slap bang in the middle of the Dartmoor National Park. …
Clodagh Doyle, 27 Jan 2017

'I AM TWEETING TRUTH TO POWER: AND YOU CAN'T STOP MY FACTS, MR PRESIDENT!'

¡Bong! While I was flying from Davos to DC for the inauguration of President Trump, a quiet revolution was being planned in the heart of the American countryside. This week it exploded: the biggest social insurrection in the USA since the Civil War in 1860. Imagine my astonishment when I discovered the family connection! Now, I can …
Steve Bong, 27 Jan 2017

Huzzah! Doctor Who comes to Playmoverse

There already exist Doctor Who action figures but who wants anatomically correct when you get can six inches of chunky plastic? Yes, the Time Lords – or two at least – are coming to Playmobil. Doctors 4 and 11, AKA Tom Baker and Matt Smith, have been cast in rounded plastic complete with joy-joy smiles and fingerless grippy …
Gavin Clarke, 27 Jan 2017
Crystal ball. Pic: Shutterstock

2017 is already fail: Let’s try a Chinese reboot

Something for the Weekend, Sir? At this stage of my life, I’m only good for quickies. So let’s make it quick, please, as I’m late for a meeting. Here’s me thinking all the shit would be blown away with the closure of 2016, giving me a fresh start in the optimistic new world that began at 00:01 on 1 January 2017. Oh no, not a chance. January has turned out …
Alistair Dabbs, 27 Jan 2017
Trump

Doomsday Clock moves to 150 seconds before midnight. Thanks, Trump

The Doomsday Clock, maintained for the past 70 years by the Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists, has been moved to two and a half minutes from midnight following the election of Donald Trump. The clock was originally set at seven minutes to midnight in 1947, but this was cut to two minutes in 1953 after the US and USSR tested …
Iain Thomson, 26 Jan 2017
chinese_traffic_648

Chinese bloke cycles 500km to get home... in the wrong direction

A migrant worker in China, hoping to cycle back home for Chinese New Year, realised a month into his 2,000km trip that he had been going the wrong way. Originally from Qiqihar, Heilongjiang province in China's extreme northwest, the bloke had been working in Rizhao, a coastal city between Beijing and Shanghai. Not only had he …

I'LL BE BATT: Arnie Schwarzenegger snubs gas guzzlers for electric

Former bodybuilder, movie star and California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger has gone electric. The current star of Celebrity Apprentice, Arnie just popped over to his home country of Austria to pick up a custom Mercedes G-Class that had been fitted out with a powerful electric motor. In just the latest of a lifetime of …
Kieren McCarthy, 25 Jan 2017

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