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Cut through the winter chill with these Rupert Murdoch tweeting cards

Rupert Murdoch is a man who doesn't mince his words. So what better way to celebrate the media mogul's musings on Twitter than with a greetings card? A hip young artist in New York has done exactly that just in time for Christmas. Now your friends and family can marvel at heartwarming tales from the world's most outspoken …
Team Register, 12 Dec 2013

Oz couple get jiggy in pharmacy in 'banned' condom ad

NSFW Oz prophylactic outfit Four Seasons Condoms is enjoying a runaway viral marketing success with a "banned" advert for its Naked Condoms deemed unfit for Downunder TV. The firm teamed up with comedian Gary Eck to produce a series of "spots" featuring the escapades of "Raquel and Tyson", and intended to "create a campaign aimed at …
Lester Haines, 11 Dec 2013
President Obama takes selfie at Nelson mandela's funeral

Mandela memorial. Yup, let's SNAP A SELFIE, say grinning Obama, Cameron

Pic The word "selfie" officially entered the English language this year, but in etiquette terms taking a photo of yourself is still a social minefield. Many may think doing so at a memorial service is a faux pas, but not for President Obama it seems. Nor UK Prime Minister David Cameron and Denmark's premier Helle Thorning-Schmidt …
Iain Thomson, 10 Dec 2013

OMG, Andrex KILLED the PUPPY! Not quilty, exclaim bog roll boys

The British bog roll brand Andrex has been forced to deny rumours that it is planning to kill off the iconic Labrador puppy mascot. Toilet paper lovers on its mailing list reacted furiously after receiving an email which appeared to suggest the puppy was going to be flushed from promotional material. They took to Andrex's …
Jasper Hamill, 10 Dec 2013

'Climate change is like Y2k!' - Oz senator

The Australian government's debate about climate change and carbon pricing has taken a turn for the silly. The government's bill to repeal the country's price on carbon is stalled in the senate, to the frustration of the government, which led to this (as reported by AAP via the Murdoch press): “Liberal senator Ian Macdonald has …
Mobile Gaming

Chinese gamer plays on while BMW burns to the ground

A Nanjing man was almost burned alive in his BMW because he was so engrossed playing a mobile phone game, according to local reports. This latest in a long line of “crazy Chinese gamer” yarns for once doesn’t involve murder, physical abuse or other tragedy, with the BMW owner escaping with his life. A passer-by, surnamed Wang, …
The NROL-39 payload is transported and mated to its Atlas V booster

Creepy US spy agency flings WORLD SLURPING OCTOPUS into orbit

Some spook agencies like to hide their more ominous workings from the innocent public, protecting Joe Bloggs from thinking too much about the power and influence that can come with snooping on the world. But the US National Reconnaissance Office take a different approach. Ready for launch? An Atlas 5 will blast off at just …
world cup camera phone compo winner

Decent chance of your team winning the World Cup? You'll probably want to watch it

People who live in World Cup 2014 host country Brazil and supporters of bookie's favourite Germany are most active in searching for World Cup tickets, according stats from event ticketing website Ticketbis. Brazil is the country with the highest number of entries in Google searches since July, with nearly half-a-million hits. …
John Leyden, 6 Dec 2013
hands waving dollar bills in the air

Apple: 'Court-appointed antitrust regulator is taking advantage of us'

Quotw This was the week when Amazon announced its plans to build a drone army to deliver parcels around the United States... well, to people within a 10-mile radius of a warehouse anyway. The scheme has a number of issues against it - legality, distance and weight problems, etc - although the drones being shot down by thieves isn't …
Fountain pen

Boffins devise world's HARDEST tongue-twister

Many of will have heard the tale of a lady who sells seashells on the sea shore. Now it's time for the unnamed beach trader to get a new job because MIT boffins have invented the world's toughest tongue teaser. Stefanie Shattuck-Hufnagel is mad about difficult rhymes, possibly because her own name doesn't exactly trip off the …
Jasper Hamill, 6 Dec 2013

Women crap at parking: Official

A team of University of Pennsylvania boffins appears to have confirmed the commonly held notions that while women are absolutely useless at parking cars, they thrash blokes when it comes to multitasking and empathy. The scientists scanned the brains of 949 peoples aged 8-22 - 428 male and 521 female - and discovered "unique sex …
Lester Haines, 4 Dec 2013

Calling Doctor Caroline Langensiepen of Nottingham Trent uni

Dear Dr Langensiepen: We learned with interest that one of the assignments you set your students studying Computer Systems (Forensics & Security) at Nottingham Trent University is to write an article in the style of The Register. We were also interested to note that only one of your students, Tom Watson by name, considered …
Lewis Page, 3 Dec 2013
An XM-25 being demo'd. Credit: PEO Soldier.

On the matter of shooting down Amazon delivery drones with shotguns

So no, there will not be an electric quadcopter delivery drone delivering your Cyber Monday packages in 2015: nor even in 2025, most likely, as even Jeff Bezos more or less openly admits if you look at what he actually said. Yes, there are homes to be found - more of them perhaps in United States than in other places - where …
Lewis Page, 3 Dec 2013

Fat-walleted execs? Nope, it's a corporate tax swerve that REALLY ticks Brits off

Tax avoidance rather than executive pay is at the top of the UK public's concerns about business behaviour for the first time. Concerns about potential tax avoidance have topped those about executive pay for the first time in six years, according to the 10th annual survey of the British public's attitudes about business ethics …
OUT-LAW.COM, 3 Dec 2013

They're back: The coffin-punting naked Polish calendar girls

NSFW Polish coffin maker Lindner is continuing its proud tradition of provocatively punting its wares with a 2014 calendar (NSFW) featuring bare naked ladies and plenty of wood. Topless Miss August pushes a floating coffin in Lindner calendar The company's latest effort is slightly less off-the-wall than the 2013 calendar (also …
Lester Haines, 3 Dec 2013
The thieving eagle caught on camera

Eagle steals crocodile-cam, records video selfie

In-flight video A juvenile sea-eagle with (sadly) no cinematographic skills whatever has created what could, regardless, be the selfie of the year, stealing a wildlife camera and taking it for a fly. The camera was set up near Margaret River* in the Kimberley region of Western Australia in order to capture images of crocodiles. As Gooniyandi …

Chester Cathedral smites net in Wi-Fi SMUT OUTRAGE

Chester Cathedral has pulled the plug on its free Wi-Fi service after a fearless Chester Chronicle investigation revealed visitors could tap unhindered into online porn. The Chronicle cruised the city in search of hotspots and found that "shops, restaurants and cafes with free Wi-Fi were unwittingly allowing shoppers and passers …
Lester Haines, 2 Dec 2013

The Shoreditch STARTUP SCENE is a load of TRIPE: And that's why it's GREAT

¡Bong! I was halfway through my third plate of organic artisan offal when the idea hit me, like a lightning bolt. In a flash I instantly blue-skyed the deal that will revolutionise British business. Here’s how it happened. It was a damp Movember Monday evening, and around me the scene resembled a 1920s misery memoir - as it does in …
Steve Bong, 29 Nov 2013
Happy child at Christmas with a tablet

UK parents to splurge £3 BEELLLIIIION on kids' tech gifts at Christmas

Parents will spend over £3bn on the latest tech gadgets for their little nippers this Christmas, spoiling them absolutely rotten. Nearly 85 per cent of parents will spend £243 on electronics for their kids for the holidays, while the rest will spend over £400 on the lucky blighters, according to recent research from uSwitch.com …

DVLA declares J14 HAD on BU14 SHT and SL14 AGS

Blighty's Drivers and Vehicles Licensing Authority (DVLA) has announced a list of vehicle registration numbers which won't be available to wags looking to take advantage of the latest "63" and upcoming "14" plates. The 14 plate will hit the streets in March next year, and the authority's staff have weeded out potentially …
Lester Haines, 28 Nov 2013
Fail whale

New exploding whale vid once again shows true porpoise of internet

As The Reg noted last month, exploding whales have made an important contribution to the Internet. But in the years since that marvellous film was made, inferior cat videos have become the net's dominant video content (we're not counting smut, okay?) and deflected the internet from its manifest destiny. Now, however, comes the …
Simon Sharwood, 28 Nov 2013

Apple guru Sir Jony's RED beer can PC raises $980k for AIDS fight

Apple design whizz Sir Jony Ive helped to raise $26m at a massive charity auction for AIDS research. The Sotheby's gala – co-sponsored by U2 rock star Bono and attended by actress Meg Ryan, guitarist the Edge, Chelsea Clinton and chef Mario Batali among others – flogged stuff either designed or customized by Sir Jony and …
Shaun Nichols, 25 Nov 2013
Lego: The Lord of the Rings

Tolkien 'almost became WWII code-breaker alongside Alan Turing'

A planned biopic on Tolkien is slated to cover his brush with life as a WWII code-breaker, a role he ultimately didn't take up. The proposed film will attempt to show how his service as a soldier during WWI and other key events led the fantasy author to write The Hobbit and the Lord of the Rings trilogy. Tolkien's time at …
John Leyden, 25 Nov 2013

'Best known female architect' angrily defends gigantic vagina

The architect behind Qatar's 2022 World Cup Al Wakrah stadium has denied her creation looks like a giant vagina, describing such comparisons as "nonsense". Artist's impression of the Al Wakrah stadium. Pic: Zaha Hadid Architects No sooner were the covers whipped off the Al Wakrah design, than pundits worldwide weighed in, …
Lester Haines, 25 Nov 2013

What turns Americans on? Everything but XMAS and OSAMA

As Britain enjoyed the royal wedding, the rest of the world was "searching for Kate's nude pictures", according to a leading porn site. Statistics released by PornHub, which claims to be the world's biggest sex flick site, has released statistics showing the bump and grind of porn traffic during key world events. There was a …
Jasper Hamill, 25 Nov 2013

PANIC OVER DROOPING house prices hits MEMBER-shaped estate

Residents of an estate in Wirral fear house prices might be seriously affected by the revelation that their sleepy corner of Merseyside resembles a giant gentleman's undercarriage when viewed from aloft. The penis-shaped configuration of houses in Wirral The ensemble of Edward Road, George Road and Yeoman Cottages do indeed …
Lester Haines, 22 Nov 2013

Apple Schill-er: 'I was shocked - SHOCKED! They went and copied the iPhone'

QuoTW This week saw the return of the big US patent trial that was once a resounding $1bn victory for Apple and is now a long-running, achingly irritating waste of everyone's time. Nevertheless, they continue to spar in courts all over the world, making lawyers rich instead of spending all their money on actual innovation. This week, …

The latest stupid yoof craze: Taking selfies - while DRIVING

What could be more stupid than spending your days taking pictures of yourself? Snapping a selfie whilst speeding along the motorway, which is apparently becoming a thing. There are 3,727 pictures on Instagram which use the #drivingselfie hashtag and almost 1,900 using #drivingselfies. Underneath some of these pictures is written …
Team Register, 22 Nov 2013
Microsoft 'Scroogled' mug

Microsoft touts SCROOGLE merch: Hopes YOU'LL PAY to dump on rival

If you're bothered by the various ways Google uses the data you submit to its services to serve you targeted ads, then Microsoft has the T-shirt for you. Or a coffee mug, perhaps. You know – stuff that totally isn't ads. Microsoft aims for subtlety with its new merchandise line The software giant has opened a new section of …
Neil McAllister, 21 Nov 2013

Qatar whips covers off giant footballing vagina

Qatar has unexpectedly delighted international pundits by unveiling the design for its 2022 World Cup Al Wakrah stadium, whose roof is designed to represent "the sails of the Arabian pearl fishing boat the Dhow", but actually bearing more than a passing resemblance to a woman's nether regions. Artist's impression of the Al …
Lester Haines, 21 Nov 2013

From the Dept of You are Old: 'Selfie' officially 'Word of the Year'

It's official: "Selfie" is Oxford Dictionaries' Word of the Year 2013, proving the "runaway winner" of the crown following its elevation back in August to Oxford Dictionaries Online. Defined as "a photograph that one has taken of oneself, typically one taken with a smartphone or webcam and uploaded to a social media website", …
Lester Haines, 19 Nov 2013
Mildura ghost city

Google deletes Maps satellite photos of 14-year-old's unsolved murder

Google has said it is acting quickly to remove distressing images on Google Maps, after the family of a murdered 14-year-old saw his body on the system's satellite photos. Kevin Barrera was shot to death on the way home from school in San Francisco's East Bay area in August 2009. Last week his family was alerted to the Maps …
Iain Thomson, 19 Nov 2013
photo by http://www.flickr.com/photos/maxbraun/5252873582/ Max Braun licensed under Creative Commons 2.0 http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0/deed.en

Post-Profit Prophet RUSSELL BRAND is the HUMBLE CHRIST of STARTUPS

¡Bong! Some news events are so momentous they instantly become burned into the memory - as irreversibly as an iOS firmware upgrade. For example, I’ll never forget where I was when the Berlin Wall came down. I was still a schoolboy: in prep school in Geneva, trying to buy heroin. But 23 years later, everything about that day comes …
Steve Bong, 15 Nov 2013

Vladimir PUTIN officially HARDER than CHUCK NORRIS

Russian prez Vladimir Putin has been awarded a taekwondo ninth-degree black belt, which means he's now officially toppled Chuck Norris from his muscle-bound position as the hardest man on the planet. The ninth-degree belt is as high as you can go in taekwondo. Norris is apparently an eighth-degree killing machine, but he's no …
Lester Haines, 15 Nov 2013

Goodbye cruel world: Robot 'commits suicide' in KITCHEN FIREBALL

A robotic cleaner delivered a damning indictment of life in Hinterstoder, Austria, on Saturday, by trundling onto a kitchen stove where it ended its days as a pile of ashes. The local fire brigade reports it was alerted to a house fire at around 1.30pm, and having entered the premises wearing breathing equipment, found the …
Lester Haines, 15 Nov 2013

Justin BIEBER ploughs cash into NaaS: NARCISSISM-as-a-Service

Justin Bieber has unveiled a social network dedicated to letting self-obsessed teens share pictures of themselves. His selfie service is called Shots of Me and exists for the express purpose of allowing people to endlessly post crappy self-portraits. Bieber, a teenage pop prince who has been in the news recently after an …
Jasper Hamill, 14 Nov 2013

Norks EXECUTE 80 for watching DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES

North Korea has allegedly executed 80 people for watching banned South Korean soap operas, the South China Morning Post reports. The executions were allegedly carried out on 3 November in seven cities, with a sports stadium in Wonsan hosting a crowd of 10,000 as a firing squad dispatched eight of the victims, according to South …
Lester Haines, 13 Nov 2013
Nasal Ranger

Denver robocops fit Nasal Ranger to perceive potent pot puffing pollution

Pic Colorado is one of two US states to legalize the sale of marijuana but this has led to an increase in complaints about the smell of skunk wafting through neighborhoods – so the authorities are using technology to cyborg up their inspectors. Nasal Ranger Looks silly, but serves a serious purpose. Credit: Hyoung Chang, The Denver …
Iain Thomson, 12 Nov 2013

Bloke named 'human' demands 'COPSLIE' licence plate

A man named "human" rolled up at New Hampshire Supreme Court last week to argue his right to sport the vanity licence plate "COPSLIE". The unemployed accountant - formerly known as David Montenegro - applied to the New Hampshire Division of Motor Vehicles (DMV) for the provocative plate back in 2010, Reuters reports. Instead, he …
Lester Haines, 11 Nov 2013
GoogleFloatingDatacenter

Sail HO! Look out Bay Area - it's the GOOGLE GALLEON

The mysterious Google vessel floating in San Francisco Bay is to feature towering sails enabling it to cruise around exhibiting the wonders of technology to an astonished coast, it has been reported. According to a report in the San Francisco Chronicle, the barge will be an “unprecedented artistic structure” boasting about a …
Jasper Hamill, 8 Nov 2013
Kim Jong-un

Latest global menace: ELECTROPULSE NORKS, apparently

North Korea is developing electromagnetic pulse weapons designed to cripple military and civilian electronics south of the border, it is being claimed. The South Korean spy agency, the National Intelligence Service, told its Parliament that the Norks had purchased Russian EMP equipment, which they were reverse engineering to …
Jasper Hamill, 8 Nov 2013
Bletchley Park

Bletchley Park vows to upload secret World War II code-cracking archives

Bletchley Park, the British wartime code-breaking center that housed computing legends such as Alan Turing and Tommy Flowers, will put its paper archives online after HP provided the scanning hardware to get the job done. "We've been wanting to do this for a while. It was first discussed five years ago, but we have just never …
Iain Thomson, 8 Nov 2013