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Dear Reg: What is a 'Lag' and a 'Jacksey'?

It's Thursday, and we could all do with a bit of light relief at the end of the week, so here is some, in the form of an entertaining email which landed in my inbox earlier this week: To L. Haines, What is a "Lag" ?and what is Jacksey" [sic] ? (article seen on Google TODAY!) Would you be speaking SO RUDELY about a person if …
Lester Haines, 27 Mar 2014
TWIT billboard

You TWITS! Facebook exec erects billboards shaming texting drivers

A Facebook exec is so sick of drivers texting behind the wheel that he now photographs them and puts the images on billboards to shame them. "I've been blown away by the number of people texting while in traffic, on the freeway," Brian Singer, manager of communication design at Facebook, told Gizmodo. "For every nose picker, …
Iain Thomson, 26 Mar 2014

Stop fondling that slab and shag, says lover rubber-glover

SFW It used to be said that where there's muck, there's brass - and never has that phrase been truer than in the world of condom sales. Durex is a company which wants people to have as much sex as possible, as long as they buy a few more rubber johnnies to circumvent the unfortunate baby-making and disease-spreading aspects of the …
Jasper Hamill, 26 Mar 2014

Inmarsat: Doppler effect helped 'locate' MH370

As air and sea searches continue to try and identify and retrieve wreckage from Malaysia Airlines MH370's presumed crash site in the southern Indian Ocean, Inmarsat has briefed Reuters on how it estimated the path the flight took. Since relatively early in the search for the flight, reference has been made to the seven “pings” …
A cow

Bulls hit city streets after alleged Samsung ad shoot hits the fan

The hipster-infused suburb of Newtown in the Australian city of Sydney was today treated to the sight of two water buffalos walking down its main street, reportedly thanks to a SNAFU at a shoot for a Samsung advertisement. News of the bovine visitation broke in the tweet below and the strolling beasts quickly became a talkback …
Simon Sharwood, 25 Mar 2014

Middle England's allotments become metric battlefield

Imperial traditionalists have expressed dismay that allotments will henceforth be measured in metres, thereby ending a 600-year-old system of staking out municipal veg patches in poles. According to the Daily Mail, shocked gardeners have received rent renewal notices from their town halls reclassifying the standard "10 pole" …
Lester Haines, 24 Mar 2014
Toilet

How to Poo on a Date wins odd book title of the year

Getting a date is hard enough to begin with. So what happens if cruel nature calls when things are just starting to get romantic? That's the question posed and answered by a tome titled How To Poo On A Date by Mats & Enzo, which has just won the 36th annual Diagram Prize for Oddest Book Title of the Year. The book achieved 30 …
Jasper Hamill, 24 Mar 2014
Angus Highland cow

Wearable tech for HORNY COWS: Biz slurps £3m for bovine arousal detectors

A firm which designs wearable tech for cows is celebrating after raising more than £3m to help fund its global expansion. Silent Herdsman has been handed the golden bull by a group of investors including Scottish Equity Partners, Albion Ventures and the Scottish Investment Bank. Its technology uses a "decision-support platform …
Jasper Hamill, 24 Mar 2014

Cops bang up squiffy, nude Virginian minx

A Virginian earned herself a cuffing last Saturday night after allegedly rolling up at a cop shop both drunk and in the buff, demanding to see her incarcerated hubby. Maura Fussell poses for an Arlington County Police mugshot According to this report, 26-year-old Maura Fussell, of Reston, arrived at Arlington Magistrate’s …
Lester Haines, 21 Mar 2014
Malaysia Airlines Boeing 777 9M-MRO

5 Eyes in the Sky: The TRUTH about Flight MH370 and SPOOKSATS

Comment That the US and other nations operate spy satellites capable of taking very detailed photographs of Earth is not in doubt. But the idea that those satellites have been pressed into service to find downed Malaysian Airlines flight MH370, and that it is therefore possible to infer some of the satellites' capabilities, is very …
Simon Sharwood, 21 Mar 2014

Vote now for the top reader Limerick limerick

Poll A couple of weeks back, we reported on the shock case of the biroless Irish police station which posed a serious threat to public order in Limerick. Judge Eugene O'Kelly heard the case of one miscreant who rolled up at the Henry Street gardaí station "to sign on as a condition of his bail relating to a separate matter". He was …
Lester Haines, 21 Mar 2014

Every little helps: Dirty MOLE BANDITS clean out Tesco ATM from BELOW

The movies tell us that tunnels are normally dug when a person locked behind bars laboriously scrapes away dirt with just a spoon to secretly set themselves free. Now some naughty scamps in Salford, Greater Manchester, have used the technique, not to escape, but to break their way into a shop to steal cash out of an ATM. …
Team Register, 21 Mar 2014

Monkey steals iPod touch, loses interest in minutes

Whatever Apple's up to with its strongly-hinted-at new products, investors will be hoping it's not aiming at the simian market after a monkey reportedly lost interest in an iPod touch after just a few minutes. The iPod Touch in question was dropped by ten year-old Stormi-Lee Whitford during a visit to Auckland Zoo, according to …
Simon Sharwood, 20 Mar 2014

Eight hour cleansing to get all the 'faggots' and 'bitches' OUT of Github

A small army of politically correct nerds will gather in London this weekend to launch a mission to "clean up" source code hosted by GitHub. A group calling itself Ethical Code claimed the platform has become a hub for, er, gits who insist on peppering their work with nasty words that have the potential to shock and offend. At …
Jasper Hamill, 19 Mar 2014

French novel falls foul of Apple's breast inspectors

NSFW French publishing house Les Editions des Equateurs is protesting vociferously that Apple has declined to to carry its novel La Femme online, due to an excessively jubular cover. Bénédicte Martin's book is set for release on 20 March, but won't be available via the fruity monolith due to an "inappropriate" image of a topless …
Lester Haines, 18 Mar 2014
An Amazon Prime Air drone

Think drone delivery is hot air? A BREWERY just proved you wrong

When Amazon.com last year floated the idea it might one day deliver goods by drone, plenty of folks thought the launch was really just hot air. But Minnesota brewery Lakemaid has just proved that Jeff Bezos is indeed a visionary of the highest order by proving the idea with the aerial despatch of twelve bottles of its Frosty …
Simon Sharwood, 18 Mar 2014

Wackadoo DIYers scissor-kick beatboxer

The Oxford English Dictionary has announced the latest tranche of terms to be admitted to its hallowed pages, including some c-words so strong that neither we nor the Daily Mail dare utter them before a family readership. On the roster of almost 900 new words, new subentries and new senses we find that "beatboxer" "bestie", " …
Lester Haines, 17 Mar 2014

Vine's 'educational nudity': 'So if I write 1+1=2 on my boobs we're grand?'

Quotw This was the week when the internet World Wide Web turned 25 and websites were stuffed with listicles and infographics telling us all about it. But said sites also unfortunately found it difficult to differentiate between the Web and the internet. (For clarity, the internet is the one that's stored in a black box, see …

O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay! Friday is Pi Day

At 1:59 in the morning on Friday, March 14 – or, for convenience, at 1:59 in the afternoon – take a moment to pause and contemplate π (aka pi), as, if you write your date US style, that's the moment to celebrate the universal glory that is Pi Day. Yes, one more year has come and and gone, and it's again time to continue a …
Rik Myslewski, 14 Mar 2014

Brawling neighbours challenge 'quiet' cul-de-sac myth

A decidedly unneighbourly dispute over cat crap which ended in flying feline faeces and court appears to challenge the myth of the traditional "quiet" cul-de-sac. The unholy rumpus in Chippenham, Wiltshire, inspired a Daily Mail headline containing "Neighbours in quiet suburban cul-de-sac brawl over CAT POO", which in turn …
Lester Haines, 13 Mar 2014

NZ bloke's drunken poker bet ends in 99-letter name

A New Zealand lad is finally feeling the full effect of a lost poker bet some five years after he was obliged to change his name to "Full Metal Havok More Sexy N Intelligent Than Spock And All The Superheroes Combined With Frostnova." According to the New Zealand Herald, the 22-year-old Normanby local duly registered his new …
Lester Haines, 12 Mar 2014

Irish plod biro outrage invites Limerick Limerick challenge

Our piece yesterday on the Irish judge who got a tad shirty about a certain Limerick cop shop's lack of biros prompted a less than expected level of lyricism from our beloved commentards. Surely, if there were ever an occasion to lovingly craft a snappy Limerick, this was it, so we're disappointed to report that just two readers …
Lester Haines, 11 Mar 2014

Florida bloke cuffed for pit bull shag outrage

A Florida dog-lover earned himself a cuffing last week after allegedly making the beast with two backs with a pit bull, this shock local report recounts. According to cops, Tampa officers were flagged down by locals disturbed by 57-year-old Bernard Marsonek's public display of cano-jiggyness Police mugshot of Bernard Marsonek …
Lester Haines, 10 Mar 2014

Show more CANADIAN-MADE PORN, insists Canadian government

Canada's official broadcasting regulator has demanded that adult TV channels show more domestically-produced porn, saying that a flood of foreign smut is dominating their output. It seems that Canadian regulations require that 35 per cent of programming on any TV channel must be produced beneath the maple-leaf banner, and …
Lewis Page, 10 Mar 2014

Police pen shortage threatens Irish public order

An Irish judge has expressed concerns that a police biro shortage may pose a serious threat to public order in Limerick. According to the Irish Independent, several miscreants have been dragged before the beak for "engaging in a threatening and abusive manner" in the public office at Henry Street gardaí station as a result of …
Lester Haines, 10 Mar 2014
Parrot Ar.Drone

Plod foils drone drug drop down under

Police in the Australian State of Victoria claim to have stopped a drone that was allegedly attempting to deliver a bag of drugs into a prison. Victoria's finest were called to the maximum security Metropolitan Remand Centre in the Melbourne suburb of Ravenhall on Sunday afternoon, after reports a drone was buzzing about near …
Simon Sharwood, 10 Mar 2014
Oscar Mayer's Bacon Odour Dongle

Can you smell bacon? Yes! And it's coming from your iPhone!

US processed meat concern Oscar Mayer has brought the world a dongle that imparts the scent of bacon to the iPhone. The promotional gewgaw has a companion app that includes an alarm clock that controls the porcine dongle. At the time you wish to rise from your slumbers, the app sets the dongle to work so your first sensory …

Zaphod Beeblebrox style third arm cyborg prosthesis unveiled

Yet another development ripped from the pages of that great work, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, has moved a large step closer to reality this week as a professor in the US reveals a special prosthetic arm which - rather than being intended solely to replace missing limbs - could be used instead to create "a three-armed …
Lewis Page, 7 Mar 2014

I NEVER DONE BITCOIN, says bloke fingered by new Newsweek

A father of six living in Los Angeles County has denied he is Bitcoin creator Satoshi Nakamoto following a Newsweek cover story that claimed otherwise. After a bizarre series of events that included a car chase and a pack of reporters staking out the chap's house, Dorian Prentice Satoshi Nakamoto, 64, exclusively told the …
Shaun Nichols, 7 Mar 2014

Newsweek knocks on door of dad-of-six, tells him he invented Bitcoin

Updated The mysterious inventor of Bitcoin is a middle-aged Japanese-American family man named Satoshi Nakamoto, Newsweek has breathlessly alleged. In a cover story for the magazine's print relaunch today, reporter Leah McGrath Goodman claimed she found the crypto-currency's mastermind living in Temple City in Los Angeles County, …
Jack Clark, 6 Mar 2014

Boston court confirms Peeping Tom's right to upskirt

The Massachusetts Supreme Judicial Court has ruled that upskirting is not prohibited under existing state law, the Boston Globe reports. The ruling came in the case of Michael Robertson, a 31-year-old arrested back in 2010 for "allegedly attempting to upskirt female passengers on Boston’s Green Line subway with his mobile phone …
Lester Haines, 6 Mar 2014

Blimey! ANOTHER Bitcoin bleed brouhaha

A cryptocurrency exchange called Poloniex has lost more than ten per cent of its entire stash of Bitcoin after allegedly being hacked. Tristan D'Agosta, who runs Poloniex under the pseudonym Busoni, admitted to the loss and issued a comprehensive rundown of what went wrong. This approach contrasts starkly with the wall of …
Jasper Hamill, 6 Mar 2014
The Winklevoss twins, Cameron and Tyler

Winklevoss twins say their Bitcoins will take them to SPAAAAACE

Venture capitalists Cameron and Tyler Winklevoss are the latest thrill-seekers to sign up for seats on Virgin Galactic's SpaceShipTwo rocket plane, and true to form, they have paid for their tickets in Bitcoins. "Since their inceptions, Bitcoin and Virgin Galactic have been writing the next chapter in our history books," Tyler …

Voracious alien flatworm hits French in the escargots

Scientists across la Manche have warned that "the time for action is now" following the first discovery on European soil of an alien flatworm immigrant with a voracious appetite for snails. Several New Guinea flatworm (Platydemus manokwari) were spotted in a hothouse in the Jardin des Plantes, in Caen, and subsequently …
Lester Haines, 6 Mar 2014
Landmine-sniffing rodent recruit

Aargh! My EYEBALLS are MELLLTING! Curse this DEVIL LAPTOP

According to a recent study, lap-warming, ball-cooking laptops pose yet another threat to users, and this time it crosses the gender divide: "Computer Vision Syndrome". "On top of this, recent in-vitro (or experimental) studies conducted by UCM and Dr Celia Sánchez-Ramos, an important expert on ocular phototoxicity, have shown …
Simon Rockman, 5 Mar 2014
Newton MessagePad 120 - PCMCIA card

HTML is a sexually transmitted disease, say many Americans

The Personal Computer Memory Card International Association's eponymous 1990 PCMCIA card standard used to jokingly be decoded as People Can't Memorise Computer Industry Acronyms. Nearly a quarter of a century later that jape has been proven anew, after an online coupons outfit called Vouchercloud let The Los Angeles Times …
Toilet

Relief when urine trouble becomes latest capacity-sharing service

Under-utilised-resource-sharing services were last year's darling in startup-land, with the likes of Uber and AirBnb feted for being jolly clever and making rather a lot of money for participants. The unused-capacity sharing concept has now gone down the toilet, literally, with the launch of a new outfit called Airpnp. Before …
Prison window

Ever get the impression a telesales op was being held prisoner?

Have you ever had the impression that a telesales operator on the phone to you was actually being held prisoner against their will? Well, next time they might very well be because the unlucky inmates of HM Prison Grampian, Peterhead, are about to be put to work in a custom-built call centre. The new prison replaces two old …
Jasper Hamill, 4 Mar 2014
Pigeon crapping on statue

Fanbois sent into FITS of RAGE by fake Steve Jobs statue competition

Fanbois around the world were sent into an incandescent rage this week by news that a hideously ugly statue of Steve Jobs was set to stand outside Cupertino. But The Register has learned that Apple has no intention of erecting the mildly phallic structure near its headquarters. In fact, some of our friends within the fruity …
Jasper Hamill, 3 Mar 2014

Twitter sags beneath weight of Oscar selfie

HOLLYWOOD AND CYBERSPACE: The entertainment industry has once again celebrated the world of entertainment, with the annual Academy Awards going even more viral than usual thanks to a selfie of several prominent entertainers that set new records for social sharing. The selfie in question was taken by entertainer Bradley Cooper ( …

Jobless mum claims Spanish councillor told her to 'go on the game'

A councillor in the Spanish town of Villarrobledo has probably had his chances of picking up the municipality's "Citizen of the Year" trophy blown after allegations surfaced that he had told a young jobseeking mum to hit the streets in search of cash. This report alleges that 21-year-old Ángeles María Herreros rolled up at …
Lester Haines, 3 Mar 2014
Qantas A380 tail

Flying fondleslab causes injury after plane hits turbulence

Hot on the heels of news that Australian wasps can ground a plane comes another cautionary tale from the Australian Transport Safety Bureau (ATSB), this time concerning the perils of flying laptop computers and iPads. The two devices fell from an overhead bin during turbulence last November. The ATSB's report on the incident …