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Head transplant candidate sells souvenirs to fund operation

A Russian man who has volunteered to undergo the world’s first head transplant has begun selling souvenirs to fund the op, after the world’s billionaires failed to pick up the tab. Valery Spiridonov, a 31 year old computer scientist who suffers from a rare degenerative wasting disease, is set to be the world’s first head …
Joe Fay, 5 Feb 2016

Cisco's purple princesses gush workplace joy

The faceless drones among you whose workplace misery is compounded by the need to adhere to a strict dress code are invited to gaze with envy upon this blog post revealing that Cisco is - in contrast to its reputation as "a boring, stodgy company" - actually a hotbed of individuality, personal freedom and radical hair colour. …
Lester Haines, 5 Feb 2016

IoT lacking that je ne sais quoi? Try the IoTSP

You know how it is - you've hooked up a networked drone-sensing doorbell, Java-enabled remote control toaster and Bluetooth toothbrush, and can now determine the degree of browning of your morning slice via smartphone app from the other side of the kitchen, while commanding Smartbrush™ to order extra teeth-whitening paste for …
Lester Haines, 5 Feb 2016

Uber rebrands to the sound of whalesong confusion

LOGOWATCH Gun-toting driver on demand app thingy Uber has announced a radical overhaul of its brand frontage, involving a "more grounded and elevated" logotype, new app icons and a range of "authentic identities for the countries where Uber operates". The reworked Uber font First up, check out the reworked "Uber", which apparently " …
Lester Haines, 3 Feb 2016
Tube sign and Big Ben. Pic: Sgt Tom Robinson RLC/Crown copyright

Big Ben belittled by Infosys' plans for enormous erection

Infosys, which reckons its Mysuru education centre is the world's largest corporate university, says it's going to build a 135-metre clock tower there. The massive erection would shade London's 96 metre Big Ben, California's 87m Hoover Tower and Cornell's 53m McGraw Tower, says India's Economic Times. Why does Infosys need …

For sale: One 236-bed nuclear bunker

Readers looking for a spacious pad with plenty of accommodation, plus "male and female WCs, commercial kitchen facilities, BBC audio visual broadcasting facility, conference facilities, air filtration systems, conference rooms, decontamination chambers, plant rooms and oil storage", are directed to the sale of a former nuclear …
Lester Haines, 2 Feb 2016

Plan B hoovers up NZ-based cloud outfit ICONZ

The UK’s Hip Hop and soul scene was left bereft today when it appeared that Brit award winning artist Plan B had coughed up an undisclosed sum to take over New Zealand-based ISP and hosting provider ICONZ. Fans of the East London rapper turned actor/director/soundtrack producer have been waiting almost six years for a follow- …
Joe Fay, 2 Feb 2016

Danish Sith Lord fined in Galactic Republic rumpus

The Vulture Central Star Wars Saddometer maxxed out at 10 today at the news that Danish police rushed to a house in Jutland over the weekend to break up a heated argument between two teenage lads regarding the exact strength of the Galactic Republic. According to The Local, cops rolled up at the premises in Fredericia at 5. …
Lester Haines, 2 Feb 2016
Eagle's head

Dutch cops train anti-drone eagle squadron

Dutch cops are mulling the idea of a drone-busting eagle squadron - one of a range of possible methods under consideration to wrest back control of the skies from UAV hordes. Trained eagles are apparently a deadly serious proposal, and police video released over the weekend shows talons can be effective weapons against a …
Lester Haines, 1 Feb 2016

Did water rocket threaten Brum airport Airbus?

The British Airline Pilots Association (BALPA) last week called for action to control the use of drones, citing several examples from the the latest UK Airprox Board report (PDF) of UAVs menacing airliners. The report contains details of seven such incidents, four of which fell into the most serious category A, "where a …
Lester Haines, 1 Feb 2016

El Reg nips down to the Hewlett You Inn?

When readers recently decided that Hewlett Packard Enterprise's private London drinking club should be dubbed the "Hewlett You Inn?", we promised to knock up some artwork for the boozer and deliver it to the door of HPE's shiny new HQ at One Aldermanbury Square. Here are said premises during refurbishment last November, when …
Lester Haines, 1 Feb 2016
The 1966 model

Original USS Enterprise model set to boldly go… on display

Researchers at the Smithsonian Institute are preparing to show off every Trekkie's dream: the original model of the USS Enterprise. The model is the original version of the fabled Starfleet craft, last painted in 1991 for a taping of Star Trek The Next Generation The museum said it will be returning the ship back to it's …
Shaun Nichols, 30 Jan 2016

Major Hollywood studio eyes Paint Drying sequel

The Register can exclusively reveal today that a top Hollywood studio has optioned a sequel to Paint Drying - the 607-minute minimalist masterpiece designed to try the patience of the British Board of Film Classification (BBFC). A Tinsel Town source close to the project confirmed yesterday that Paint Drying director Charlie …
Lester Haines, 29 Jan 2016

Back to the Future's DeLorean is coming back to the future

DeLorean Motors has announced that it hopes to resume construction of the DMC-12 sports car made famous by 1985 flick Back to the Future. In the film and its two sequels, the car houses a time machine that operated when the stainless-steel-mobile hits 88 miles per hour. The DeLorean was chosen for the role because it looked …
Simon Sharwood, 28 Jan 2016

Pubs good for the soul: Official

The Campaign for Real Ale (CAMRA) has perhaps merely confirmed what all right-minded people already know: that those who have a local boozer in which to quaff ale and chew the fat with mates are "significantly happier" than wretched souls who do not. CAMRA asked Oxford Uni's Professor Robin Dunbar to look into the link between …
Lester Haines, 27 Jan 2016
The Bundestag in Berlin. Pic: Hernán Piñera

Berlin takes down ‘for sale’ sign over top Nazi’s love nest

Berlin may be filling up with techie startups and desperate refugees, but one corner of the history-drenched German capital is failing to attract any new comers. The city’s real estate arm has been forced to give up on efforts to sell a “sprawling lakeside villa” that was once a “lovenest” for Hitler’s propaganda minister …
Ollie Henry, 27 Jan 2016
ISIS fighters

Islamic fundamentalists force Yorkshire IT shop to chop off brand

Yorkshire-based Isis-EX has rebranded to avoid any confusion between its business (making IT kit for hazardous environments) and other organisations intent on making the entire world a hazardous environment. The Scarborough-based company, which has rebadged as Smart-Ex, told local rag The Scarborough News that associations …
Paul Kunert, 27 Jan 2016

In this Facebook and Google-owned world, it's time to rethink privacy

Analysis It's a seemingly endless topic of conversation: what do we do about the fact that Google and Facebook have built vast databases on us as individuals? The discussion ranges from rallying cries (If it's free, you are the product!) to privacy fears (How much of this information does the government have?) to anecdotal evidence of …
Kieren McCarthy, 27 Jan 2016

Uber driver 'pulls handgun' on passenger

A Florida Uber driver stands accused of threatening a passenger with a semi-automatic handgun after his fare suggested he might blow chow, according to cops. Patrick McDonald, 67, picked up Shane Fabry and chums from downtown Bradenton shortly after 8pm last Friday. En route to Fabry's home, the 27-year-old advised McDonald to …
Lester Haines, 26 Jan 2016

US rapper slams Earth is Round conspiracy in Twitter marathon

A US rapper has embarked on a mammoth tweet fest to correct at least 500 years of misinformation that the world is not flat, slamming amateur and professional astronomers in the process. BoB, also known as Bobby Ray Simmons Jr, has occasionally pontificated on matters astral in the past, but some time on January 24 kicked into …
Joe Fay, 26 Jan 2016
USS Stockdale

The next Cuban gristle crisis: US Navy warship powered by beef fat

The USS Stockdale, a guided-missile-launching destroyer, has set sail powered by an unusual fuel – waste beef fat. The ship, deployed this week in the USS John C. Stennis Carrier Strike Group, is part of the Navy's Great Green Fleet initiative, which is trying to make swabbies more environmentally friendly by using alternative …
Iain Thomson, 22 Jan 2016
Cable maze image via Shutterstock

Cabling horrors unplugged: Reg readers reveal worst nightmares

Nightmare before downtime Blame cloud, blame DevOps, blame the increasingly prevalent trend towards managerial OCD, but server installations are becoming tidier. The influx of suites and external suppliers, such as Amazon and Microsoft, means that as tech's become “transparent” the back room's become more presentable. But you can’t blame tech’s …
Gavin Clarke, 22 Jan 2016
Sheep, image via Shutterstock

Flock of sheep ends NZ high-speed car chase

A high-speed car chase in New Zealand's south island ended rather improbably when a carload of perps was brought to a halt by a flock of sheep. The police pursuit began at 8am last Friday when cops unsuccessfully attempted to pull a Honda Integra for speeding and having no numbers plates. During the subsequent race around …
Lester Haines, 22 Jan 2016

Apple's Tim Cook rocks up at Vatican - one week after Schmidt

The leader of one the world’s biggest religions was due to meet the pope today, leaving some Vatican watchers wondering if the pontiff has discovered a new form of Friday self-sacrifice. Apple Tim Cook was due at the Vatican around 11.30 local time for a 15 minute chinwag with Pope Francis. Cook’s visit comes hard on the heels …
Joe Fay, 22 Jan 2016
Lancaster B.I PA474. Credit: John5199, Flickr

Four Boys' Own style World War Two heroes to fire your imagination

This week marked the 97th birthday of one of the world's greatest ever airmen, Captain Eric “Winkle” Brown RN, who flew nearly 500 different types of aircraft. Here's a quick look at some notable daredevils from World War Two. Eric “Winkle” Brown Captain Brown began his aviation career after being taken for a flight in a …
Gareth Corfield, 22 Jan 2016

Why does herbal cough syrup work so well? It may be full of morphine

The US Food and Drug Administration (FDA) is sounding alarms after an herbal cough remedy sold throughout the US was found to contain morphine. The FDA said that bottles of Licorice Coughing Liquid made by Chinese-based Ma Ying Long Pharmaceutical Group and distributed by Master Herbs, Inc contain a "camphor compound" whose …
Shaun Nichols, 21 Jan 2016

Peru scrambles vulture squadron in war against trash

The powers that be in Peruvian capital Lima have scrambled a squadron of ten trained vultures in their war against illegal rubbish dumping. Lima's human inhabitants create 6,000 tonnes of rubbish every day, according to the city's waste management coordinator Javier Hernandez. He told Reuters: "Approximately 96 per cent of …
Lester Haines, 21 Jan 2016

Virginia man charged in intriguing 'suspicious bacon' case

A Virginia man is due to appear before a Grand Jury in February having been caught in his neighbour's garden while drunk, armed, wearing a camouflage mask and carrying "a suspicious bag of bacon". Evan Cater mugshot Suspicious bacon: Evan Cater poses for Amherst County cops Evan Patrick Cater, 31, of Madison Heights, was …
Lester Haines, 21 Jan 2016

Florida cuffee surprised by pills in vagina

A Florida woman being processed into county jail expressed surprise when a prison officer discovered a plastic bag of pills in her vagina. Dusty Rae Ingram, 38, was being booked into Okaloosa County Jail on 5 January, when a strip search uncovered the meds, according to this local report. The perp told the officer that while …
Lester Haines, 20 Jan 2016

Viglen staff mark CEO Tkachuk's passing with a royal tribute

Now that Viglen boss Bordan Tkachuk has split, some of his underlings have marked his passing with some passings and markings of their own at the previously off-limits C-suite shower block. Tkachuk cleared his desk before Christmas, two years after Viglen was acquired by XMA – itself owned by Westcoast Holdings – as his earn- …
Paul Kunert, 19 Jan 2016

Spoilsport scientists unstick Spider-Man

A team of scientists from the University of Cambridge has disagreeably grounded Spider-Man after concluding that were the arachnohuman crimefighter to use gecko-style sticky pads to scale buildings, they'd need to measure 40 per cent of his body surface.* That's because the bigger the animal, the less surface area versus …
Lester Haines, 18 Jan 2016

Nude tribute to Manet's Olympia ends in cuffing

A Luxembourg performance artist earned herself a cuffing over the weekend after she stripped off in front of Edouard Manet's Olympia at Paris's Musée d'Orsay. Deborah de Robertis treated art lovers visiting Splendour and Misery: Images of Prostitution 1850-1910 to a recreation of the celebrated work's reclining nude. The …
Lester Haines, 18 Jan 2016

GCHQ summer schools to pay teenage hackers £250 a week

Hey, teenage hackers, do you want to infilitrate GCHQ to become the next Edward Snowden? The spooks are offering £250 a week - money you'll need to save for when you're subsequently awarded accommodation at Her Majesty's luxury resort at Belmarsh. Here's your entry route: applications are now open for the surveillance agency's …

Hot Swedish nurses in charity calendar rumpus

Staff at Stockholm's Astrid Lindgren Children's Hospital have landed themselves in hot water after stripping off at work for a charity 2016 calendar, The Local reports. "It is clearly inappropriate and a sign of very poor judgment," lamented hospital big cheese Svante Norgren, after he was tipped off to the outrage by …
Lester Haines, 15 Jan 2016
Tesla was a bright spark

The Bong Diaries, Pt.94: Bowie, Martha... and where's my knighthood?

¡Bong! “Here in my Car. I can only receive I can listen to you It keeps me stable for days In Cars" - David Bowie and Brian Eno: “My Life in a Bush of Ghosts” Jan 1st Grand Cayman I scan the New Year’s Honours with some dismay. Previous years have been studded with digital recognition. Past recipients have included an MBE …
Steve Bong, 15 Jan 2016

Russian Pastafarian wins right to bear colander

A Russian follower of the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster has won the right to wear a colander on his head in his driving licence photo, although this great leap forward for Pastafarian rights comes at a price. Andrey Filin posted a triumphant tweet last Saturday, in which he declared: "The first licence with a colander …
Lester Haines, 15 Jan 2016
Kangaroos Copyright Evan Switzer

Murderous necrophiliac kangaroo briefly wins nation's heart

Animal-lovers have run the gamut of emotions after a cute photograph of a Kangaroo was re-interpreted by experts as likely depicting a murderous necrophiliac Kangaroo. The photograph in question, at the top of the story or here for readers on mobile devices, ran in Australian media along with commentary from photographer Evan …
Simon Sharwood, 15 Jan 2016
airplane autopilot

Aircraft now so automated pilots have forgotten how to fly

The US Federal Aviation Authority (FAA) is failing to ensure that American pilots can manually fly passenger jets if the automated systems controlling the aircraft fail, a report by the US Department of Transportation Inspector General has found. "While airlines have long used automation safely to improve efficiency and reduce …
Iain Thomson, 15 Jan 2016

What do Angolan rebels, ISIS widows, Metallica and a photographer have in common?

It's an unfair stereotype that America is the home of crazy lawsuits. Which is why we proudly present to you four lawsuits – all of which have emerged in the past few days – that put the stereotype proudly back on the map. You remember that lovely Angolan rebel chief Jonas Savimbi? You know, the one who was a Marxist and …
Kieren McCarthy, 14 Jan 2016

Optimus Prime goes under the hammer

Film buffs with deep pockets and a really big garage should consider moseying on down to the forthcoming Barrett-Jackson Scottsdale auction, where the 1992 Peterbilt 379 Optimus Prime tractor will go under the hammer. The Optimus Prime Peterbilt tractor The custom rig appeared in three Transformers movies playing the …
Lester Haines, 14 Jan 2016

Australia considers mass herpes release for population control

Australia is considering the widespread release of the herpes virus as part of a population control push. The population the nation wants to control is the European Carp, an imported fish that thrives in local waterways and lakes because native animals don't compete for the food their bottom-feeding habits secure. Some …
Simon Sharwood, 13 Jan 2016
Chip Pugh of Lima, OH

Wanted man sends selfie to replace 'terrible' police mug shot

A man wanted by police in Ohio has sent in a selfie to replace the photo authorities have used in a crime alert. Donald "Chip" Pugh, 45, is being sought by the Lima, OH Police Department for failure to appear in court. Pugh is also a person of interest in separate arson and vandalism cases. In an alert posted to Facebook, the …
Shaun Nichols, 12 Jan 2016