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Brit firm unleashes drone-busting net cannon

As the world's skies darken with drones, a British firm reckons it's come up with the ultimate solution to the UAV flying menace: the mighty SkyWall100 handheld net-firing cannon. According to OpenWorks Engineering, SkyWall is "a combination of a compressed gas powered smart launcher and an intelligent programmable projectile …
Lester Haines, 4 Mar 2016

Dirty data: Tech-heavy Thames Valley scores big in adultery index

The UK’s tech hotspots have made a shockingly prominent showing in an adultery website’s list of the most adulterous towns in the UK – though some, thankfully, showed a dramatic slippage in extra-curricular activity compared to last year. Adultery site Illicit Encounter has helpfully applied a bit of big data magic to its …
Team Register, 3 Mar 2016

Spanish cops discover illegally parked flying car

Cops on the island of Gran Canaria have sensationally discovered evidence of super-advanced hot hatch technology in the form of a flying Daewoo Matiz. Las Palmas police were called in to investigate the illegally parked vehicle on Monday, and reported: "This is what they call 'high-class parking'." A fireman scales a ladder …
Lester Haines, 2 Mar 2016
Toilet roll printed with fake US $100 bills

Bill Gates can’t give it away... Still crazy rich after all these years

Tech billionaires dominate the upper reaches of the Forbes Rich list this year, which proves that while he’s good at many things, Bill Gates just ain’t cutting it at throwing away cash. Gates came in top again, with a whopping $75bn fortune. The second spot is taken by Zara boss Amancio Ortega, with $67bn, while Warren Buffett …
Joe Fay, 2 Mar 2016

Schlock and .aw as Dutch net registry rebrands

LOGOWATCH Admit it, for years you've regarded the Dutch net registrar SIDN as a "fairly conservative organisation", concerned mainly with administering the .nl domain. Well, we've got news for you, because Stichting Internet Domeinregistratie Nederland, to trumpet its full title, has actually evolved into a "dynamic enterprise", whose …
Lester Haines, 1 Mar 2016
Johnny Cab

Google robo-car backs into bendy-bus in California

Alphabet has filed an accident report with the California Department of Motor Vehicles, in which it says one of its autonomous cars had a low-speed bingle with a bendy-bus. The report says its self-driving kitted-up Lexus found itself baulked by sandbags at an intersection. The car “was travelling in autonomous mode eastbound …

Intravenous hangover clinics don't work, could land you in hospital

Australia's health authorities have started cracking down on “hangover clinics” after someone's morning-after quick fix landed them in hospital. New South Wales Health kicked off the investigation over the weekend, ordering the Sydney iv.me operation to close after a visitor to the clinic was taken to St Vincent's Hospital …

Dead Steve Jobs owed $174 by San Francisco parking ticket wardens

Steve Jobs is owed $174 by San Francisco parking attendants. It's not just the deceased co-founder of Apple either. PayPal co-founder and Facebook investor Peter Thiel is owed $170; Napster co-founder and Facebook's first president Sean Parker $320; Salesforce's Marc Benioff $94. But top of the pile comes, ironically, CEO of …
Kieren McCarthy, 26 Feb 2016
The Pasadena Rose Bowl

California methane well leak filled a Rose Bowl a day

We're delighted to report that Phys.org has adopted the "Rose Bowl" standard for quantifying improbably large amounts of gas. In this report on the Aliso Canyon gas well blow-out which spewed vast quantities of methane into the Californian atmosphere, before finally being capped on 11 February, the website explains that at the …
Lester Haines, 26 Feb 2016

Brit brewer opensources entire recipe archive

Scottish brewer BrewDog has agreeably released its entire recipe back catalogue, encompassing the 215 beers developed during its almost 10-year history. From humble home-brewing origins, James Watt and Martin Dickie have grown BrewDog to an international craft beer operation. Along the way, they've claimed the "world's …
Lester Haines, 26 Feb 2016

My devil-possessed smartphone tried to emasculate me

Something for the Weekend, Sir? My left testicle is bruised. Next to me, my wife is looking at me with a surprised expression. Once the stars fade from my eyes, I realise I have just screamed out loud like a little girl. Given what had just happened to my testicles, I almost became a little girl. I really must try to remember to adjust the position of my …
Alistair Dabbs, 26 Feb 2016

Barking spider prompts Spanish clan shoot-out

An exchange of air biscuits between two men prompted a shoot-out between rival Spanish Roma clans in the city of Torrent, Valencia, on Sunday night, which left three cuffed and four injured, two of them with bullet wounds. According to local news outlet Información, the ruckus kicked off in the street shortly before midnight …
Lester Haines, 25 Feb 2016
Yawning Cat by Johnc24 at Flickr, CC-20 License at https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/

This program can detect if you're bored – which is going to make annoying ads, articles so much more annoying

Scientists at the University of Sussex, UK, have developed computer software that monitors the movements of the user to tell if they are bored with what's on the screen. The code works by measuring non-instrumental movements, the involuntary twitches and tics we all make subconsciously. If someone is mentally engaged with what …
Iain Thomson, 25 Feb 2016

Carolina cop cuffed for 'carjacking'

A former South Carolina cop has been arrested and charged with "Misconduct in Office" after allegedly pleasuring himself in his patrol car while eyeballing smut on his mobe. According to WISTV, Marshall Lee Hardin was in his vehicle next to Woodward Park in Camden, some 40km northeast of state capital Columbia, when he decided …
Lester Haines, 24 Feb 2016
Rubber gloves. Pic: How can I recycle this

Prison butt dialler finally off-hold after 12-day anal retention marathon

Australian prisoner Constantine “Kon” Gergiou's protestations that an object detected in his innards was a metal fragment left after surgery have been proven false, after he yesterday passed a mobile phone. Georgiou is a convicted triple murderer, having been found guilty of doing away with three members of a rival motorcycle …
Simon Sharwood, 24 Feb 2016
Airplane! Egg scene

Plane food sees pilot grounded by explosive undercarriage

Australia's Transport Safety Bureau has published a study analysing incidents that incapacitated pilots in flight and found that gastrointestinal issues were the runaway leader. The study only covers Australian incidents between 2010 and 2014, producing a sample size of 113 incidents at a rate of one each 34,000 commercial …
Simon Sharwood, 23 Feb 2016

Ukraine has a Eurovision pop at Russia

Ukraine looks set to put the Boom Bang-a-Bang back into the Eurovision Song Contest with a jolly ditty about Stalin's forced relocation of Crimean Tatars. According to the BBC, chanteuse Jamala's 1944 is "about the tragedy that befell her great-grandmother, when the dictator sent 240,000 Tatars on crowded trains to barren …
Lester Haines, 22 Feb 2016

German mayor's browser tabs catch him with trousers down

A German mayor has been left red faced after he posted online a screenshot of his browser without noticing open window tabs with adult material. Thomas Köppl grabbed the screenshot on his iPad with his main browser window showing a Wikipedia page about the German Constitution and posted it on his Facebook page as part of a …
Kieren McCarthy, 20 Feb 2016

No tit for tat, or should that be tat for tit ... Women selling stuff on eBay get lower bids

It's no secret that women tend to be paid less than men across many professions, and now researchers say the pay gap even extends to goods sold online. A pair of academics in Israel studying eBay auction results over a three-year period found that when selling the same items, both new and used, female sellers got a lower …
Shaun Nichols, 20 Feb 2016

Solution to tech bros' disgust of SF homeless people launched

Satire A radical augmented reality (AR) solution to the appalling problem of tech bros having to see people less fortunate than themselves on the streets of San Francisco has been launched. CLEANR is the brainchild of SF resident Jon Adams and uses wearable tech to effectively delete undesirable people from your view. Adams explains …
Kieren McCarthy, 19 Feb 2016

Loved one just died? Pah, that's nothing

It's said that the most stressful situations a human being can suffer are the death of a loved one, divorce, moving house, a major illness and losing your job. We might add to that living in Syria and, if mobe outfit Ericsson is to be believed, enduring a "time-to-content delay" when attempting to eyeball a vid on your phone …
Lester Haines, 19 Feb 2016
Yoga_woman

El Reg blows chow down at Justretch.com

While checking out some exercise options in inner London, as you do, we stumbled across a class devoted to resistance stretching, and whatever on God's green earth that is, its website URL suggests you'd be well advised to have a bucket handy. Welcome indeed to Justretch.com or "just retch.com", as our auto-correct insists on …
Drew Cullen, 19 Feb 2016
Rubber gloves. Pic: How can I recycle this

Triple-murderer prisoner keeps mobile phone in his butt for a week

An inmate of an Australian jail is on hunger strike in order to retain possession of a mobile phone he's kept inside his anus for up to a week. The inmate is believed to be Kon Georgiou, a convicted triple-murderer doing a long stretch inside Goulburn Jail's “Super Max” unit. That facility is reserved for the worst of the …
Simon Sharwood, 19 Feb 2016

Oz town suffers hairy panic attack

The good burghers of Wangaratta in rural Victoria are battling to reclaim their town from a nasty "hairy panic" attack which has seen their homes engulfed by an invading army of massed tumbleweed. According to 7 News, residents' homes have been smothered by the wandering seed heads of Panicum effusum, aka hairy panic - a …
Lester Haines, 18 Feb 2016
Boeing 737 Max

Pilot posts detailed MS Flight Sim video of how to land Boeing 737

Vid An actual airline pilot has posted a how-to video explaining the best way to land a Boeing 737. Commercial pilot Tim Morgan responded to a question posed on Q&A site Quora. “What should I do if the pilot passes out and I (with no flight training) have to land the plane?”, the question asks. Morgan's answer is footage from …
Simon Sharwood, 18 Feb 2016
New Monopoly game

New Monopoly version features an Automatic Teller Machine

Iconic vulture capitalism trainer family-friendly property trading game Monopoly has adopted an automatic teller machine in a new edition of the game. Monopoly’s had a cash-free version since about 2014, when players were offered credit cards that, when inserted into a custom device, credited them with new cash for going …
Team Register, 17 Feb 2016
EMC_Oopa_style

EMC's Chad Sakac once made a Gangnam Style parody music video

Vid Storage dudes! Drop what you're doing and play this three-and-a-half minute video of Chad Sakac singing and dancing in front of a bunch of racks. Gangnam-style, say hello to EMC-style. We know you’re wondering about the lyrics; these are of a sophistication as to make you gasp: Oppa EMC style EMC style They want the …
Chris Mellor, 16 Feb 2016

Ordnance Survey unfolds handy Mars map

Those of you planning a hiking holiday on Mars will be pleased to learn that Ordnance Survey has produced a handy map of the Red Planet, or at least a 3,672 by 2,721km chunk of it. OS used elevation data from the Mars Global Surveyor's Mars Orbiter Laser Altimeter (MOLA) and official International Astronomical Union and U.S. …
Lester Haines, 16 Feb 2016
Long exposure shot showing patterns made my moving lightsabers

Virgin Atlantic co-pilot dazzled by laser

A Virgin Atlantic flight from Heathrow to New York was forced to return to London yesterday after the co-pilot was dazzled by a laser. The flight crew of flight VS205 declared a "Pan-Pan" emergency* shortly after 8pm as the Airbus A340 passed over the west coast of Ireland. The aircraft, carrying 252 passengers and 15 crew, …
Lester Haines, 15 Feb 2016
Our plucky Playmonaut celebrates his riches with a bevy of beauties

Argos offers 'buy now pay in 3 months' deal

If you're one of the estimated 96 per cent of Brits who lives within 10 miles of an Argos outlet,* then you've probably enjoyed the in-store tablet-based catalogue shopping experience, browsing and purchasing goods for immediate collection from the front counter. The trouble is with that, you have to pay on the spot. Shop …
Lester Haines, 12 Feb 2016

Council IT system goes berserk, packs off kids to the wrong schools

Brit families waiting to find out if their kids have been accepted into their secondary school of choice were bamboozled on Thursday by a computer blunder. Herefordshire Council's systems sent out a wedge of emails to parents offering their children places for the new school year – but the information was wrong. It appears …
Chris Williams, 12 Feb 2016

Sick and tired of modern Windows? Upgrade to Windows 3.1 today – in your web browser

The Internet Archive is taking us back to 1992 with the release of over 1,000 programs and games that run on what was arguably the first truly mass-market color graphical interface: Windows 3.1. It's hard to imagine the enormous leap that was Windows 3.1 now that even our smart phones run an operating system that is an order …
Kieren McCarthy, 11 Feb 2016
Star Wars: The Complete Saga

Health and Safety to prosecute over squashed Harrison Ford

The UK's Health and Safety Executive (HSE) has announced it will prosecute the company allegedly responsible for squashing Harrison Ford during filming of Star Wars: The Forces Awakens. Ford suffered "a broken leg and other injuries when he was struck by a heavy hydraulic metal door on the set of the Millennium Falcon" at …
Lester Haines, 11 Feb 2016

Firemen free chap's todger from four-ring chokehold

Firemen from the Spanish town of Dénia, in Alicante, enjoyed an entertaining shout last week when they were called to remove four steel rings from the base of an unfortunate chap's todger. An unnamed 40-year-old foreigner rolled up at the local hospital in the early hours of Friday morning, unable to extract his member from …
Lester Haines, 10 Feb 2016
Eagle's head

Drone-busting eagles to darken Blighty's skies?

The Metropolitan Police have confirmed they're looking into deploying drone-busting eagles, a few days after a Scottish MP called for cops north of the border to investigate the possibility of using feathered interceptors to deal with growing flocks of wild UAVs. According to the Times, Met Commissioner Sir Bernard Hogan-Howe …
Lester Haines, 8 Feb 2016

Ducks, Lord of the Rings, movies and maths: The GCHQ Xmas puzzle solutions revealed

GCHQ has posted the answers to its Xmas puzzle, a five-part crypto extravaganza that saw 600,000 people start but just three win – and even they didn't get it all right. The lucky winners, one from Scotland, one from Belgium and another unnamed, will be given a GCHQ paperweight (presumably with a bug implanted), a biography of …

Head transplant candidate sells souvenirs to fund operation

A Russian man who has volunteered to undergo the world’s first head transplant has begun selling souvenirs to fund the op, after the world’s billionaires failed to pick up the tab. Valery Spiridonov, a 31 year old computer scientist who suffers from a rare degenerative wasting disease, is set to be the world’s first head …
Joe Fay, 5 Feb 2016

Cisco's purple princesses gush workplace joy

The faceless drones among you whose workplace misery is compounded by the need to adhere to a strict dress code are invited to gaze with envy upon this blog post revealing that Cisco is - in contrast to its reputation as "a boring, stodgy company" - actually a hotbed of individuality, personal freedom and radical hair colour. …
Lester Haines, 5 Feb 2016

IoT lacking that je ne sais quoi? Try the IoTSP

You know how it is - you've hooked up a networked drone-sensing doorbell, Java-enabled remote control toaster and Bluetooth toothbrush, and can now determine the degree of browning of your morning slice via smartphone app from the other side of the kitchen, while commanding Smartbrush™ to order extra teeth-whitening paste for …
Lester Haines, 5 Feb 2016

Uber rebrands to the sound of whalesong confusion

LOGOWATCH Gun-toting driver on demand app thingy Uber has announced a radical overhaul of its brand frontage, involving a "more grounded and elevated" logotype, new app icons and a range of "authentic identities for the countries where Uber operates". The reworked Uber font First up, check out the reworked "Uber", which apparently " …
Lester Haines, 3 Feb 2016
Tube sign and Big Ben. Pic: Sgt Tom Robinson RLC/Crown copyright

Big Ben belittled by Infosys' plans for enormous erection

Infosys, which reckons its Mysuru education centre is the world's largest corporate university, says it's going to build a 135-metre clock tower there. The massive erection would shade London's 96 metre Big Ben, California's 87m Hoover Tower and Cornell's 53m McGraw Tower, says India's Economic Times. Why does Infosys need …

For sale: One 236-bed nuclear bunker

Readers looking for a spacious pad with plenty of accommodation, plus "male and female WCs, commercial kitchen facilities, BBC audio visual broadcasting facility, conference facilities, air filtration systems, conference rooms, decontamination chambers, plant rooms and oil storage", are directed to the sale of a former nuclear …
Lester Haines, 2 Feb 2016