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Photo of Jonathan Ive

Apple knob refusenik Sir Jony Ive handed award - for talking BOLLOCKS

The delicate tech architect that is Apple’s Sir Jonathan of Ive is no stranger to accolades, and now he’s picked up another - for talking balls. The senior veep of design received a Kick in the Pants Award as part of the Plain English Campaign’s 35th annual embarrassment fest, for waxing lyrical about the Apple Watch. “The …
Paul Kunert, 4 Dec 2014

Man asks internet for $1k for pebbles. INTERNET SAYS YES

Fancy paying someone to start up yet another pebbles-in-your-whisky firm? Well then step this way, because El Reg has discovered a new "disruptive" lifestyle brand which will charge you the earth to put a rock in your grog. A company called Boozestones' eponymous product aims to persuade drinkers to do away with frozen water for …
Jasper Hamill, 3 Dec 2014

Sick of the 'criminal' lies about pie? Lobby the government HERE

Mathematicians have been computing the value of pi for years*, but cooks have struggled to be anywhere near as exact about a certain pastry-based homophone. Now the cream of the culinary world could face the cops unless they stick to new rules about what constitutes a proper pie. A man called Bill T Wulf has launched a petition …
Jasper Hamill, 2 Dec 2014

Holy sh*t! Amsterdam man in pop-up public toilet shock horror

RoTM A man in Amsterdam suffered minor injuries last night after a toilet emerging from the ground flipped a moped into the air, which then struck the victim. UriLift loos were installed in the wacky baccy Dutch city in an effort to stop blokes taking a slash in the streets. As this vid shows, the toilets appear to rise up from the …
Team Register, 29 Nov 2014

Post-pub nosh neckfiller: Masala omelette

The Brit post-pub gourmets among you will doubtless have indulged in the national pastime of staggering from the boozer to the nearest curry house, so it's no surprise that reader Martin Gregorie got in touch last week to suggest we venture into the hot and spicy by cooking up something with a bit of a kick. A splendid idea, and …
Lester Haines, 29 Nov 2014
Golden Dropping of Excellence

VISUALISED: The Golden Vulture Dropping of Excellence

CoTW After a short break for fresh air and relief from the hilarity of El Reg's commentards, Comment of the Week returns! Opening this week's account of the hilarious and the fail-filled is aptly named commentard Phuq Witt, with this dreadfully dull and unfunny aside on our review of the Banana Pi: "I met a Minecraft user called …
Gareth Corfield, 29 Nov 2014

Google's whois results say it's a lousy smut searcher

Naughty domain owners are still playing nasty tricks on the whois domain lookup service to tease the likes of Google and Microsoft. Microsoft's had trouble with this stuff for years, and a whois search on Microsoft.com still produces results like: MICROSOFT.COM.IS.NICE.WHEN.TOASTED.COMKAL.NET; MICROSOFT.COM.SHOULD.INSTALL- …
Simon Sharwood, 27 Nov 2014

Technology quiz reveals that nobody including quiz drafters knows anything about IT

A terrifying new quiz has indicated that the state of knowledge among Americans regarding IT topics is abysmally low: but the questions are such as to indicate that even the drafters of the quiz didn't know much. The quiz in question is one from Pew Research, intended to find out "What Internet Users Know about Technology and …
Lewis Page, 26 Nov 2014
Uber - living the dream

Criticism of Uber's journo-Data Analytics plan is an Attack on DIGITAL FREEDOM

¡Bong! Extra Why can’t Old Media just accept we have it beaten, lie down and die? It’s taking forever. Nothing saddened me more this week than reading that bold new data journalism initiatives from Uber were being shot down before they had even reached Seed stage. My bromate, the Uber VP Emil Michael, has sent dead tree media Offendotrons …
Steve Bong, 22 Nov 2014
Star Trek: Patterns of Force

'It is comforting to know where your data centres are.' UK.GOV does NOT

QuoTW This was the week when hacktivist collective Anonymous decided to take on the Ku Klux Klan after a local chapter of the white supremacist group threatened protesters in Ferguson, Missouri. Say what you like about Nazis, they had lovely uniforms. And ears Anonymous took out websites and Twitter accounts for the group, as well …
A 1963 replica batmobile

Holy vintage vehicles! Earliest known official Batmobile goes on sale

A heavily-customised Oldsmobile said to be the first officially-licenced Batmobile will go to auction later in December. Created in 1963, three years before the infamously camp Batman TV show hit the airwaves, DC Comics allowed a US chap named Forrest Robinson to build a Batmobile, according to Heritage Auctions. The hammer- …
Simon Sharwood, 17 Nov 2014
Circuit board underwear by emiko-o

'Open source just means big companies can steal your code.' O RLY?

CoTW In a simply shocking turn of events, two of the less popular comments on El Reg this week both came from Anonymous Cowards... The first of our be-masked brethren introduced some welcome levity into the net neutrality bunfight, commenting on someone who filed the entirety of a Lord of the Rings script as part of an FCC complaint …
Gareth Corfield, 16 Nov 2014
Regina Egbert, El Reg's virtual news anchor

NEWSFLASH: It's time to ditch dullard Facebook chums

Youtube Video This week, Regina talks about Facebook's new (non-unfriend) News Feed feature and its seemingly underused Messenger app, the surprisingly creepy Amazon Echo, and the Microsoft Lumia that is not (repeat not) a Nokia. Didn't get enough info from the talking egg? Click here, here, here or here for more. ® Regina …
2001 HAL poster

It’s PAYBACK time as HUMANS send a PROBE up ALIEN body

Something for the Weekend, Sir? “We hit something the size of South London from ten years away.” Thus spake commentard Colin Ritchie the other day in response to The Register’s ongoing coverage of Rosetta’s extraordinary space odyssey. 2001: A Space Odyssey - The Monolith On The Moon The significance of such an achievement should not be underestimated. In the …
Alistair Dabbs, 15 Nov 2014

Hey, you, PHONE-FACE! Kickstarter in-car mobe mount will EMBED your phone into your MUG

It's Friday, so we invite those of you who are counting down the seconds until pub o'clock to spot the fatal concept error in the Alfah Mobile - "a small suction free attachment that attaches the back of your mobile device to your steering wheel or dashboard for convenience and hands free driving". This less-than-ingenious …
Lester Haines, 14 Nov 2014
gutenberg_bible2

Bible THUMP: Good Book beats Darwin to most influential tome title

Members of the Folio Society have named the Bible as the most important book of all time, with Darwin's On The Origin of Species coming in at a close second place. The literary group commissioned YouGov to survey more than 2,000 British grown-ups and ask them which book they thought was the most valuable to human civilisation. …
Jasper Hamill, 13 Nov 2014

U wot? Silicon Roundabout set to become Silicon U-BEND

London's Silicon Roundabout is set to become a Silicon U-Bend as part of new plans to tart up the infamously grubby part of the city. Transport for London has launched a public consultation which will aim to turn this ugly traffic island into a "peninsula". The unprepossessing urban barnacle formerly known as the Old Street …
Jasper Hamill, 13 Nov 2014
iPhone proposal in China

Chinese coder's got 99 problems and getting hitched is one: Huge iPhone woo plot FAILS

A Chinese software developer learned the hard way that money can't buy you love, even if you invest it in iPhones – or 99 of the things, to be precise. iPhone proposal in China "Will you do me the honor of.." No!" The unnamed technology worker from Guangzhou spent over RMB 500,000 (around $82,000) buying up 99 iPhone 6 …
Iain Thomson, 11 Nov 2014
Battletoads

Microsoft to bring back beloved 1990s super-hit BATTLETOADS!?*

Microsoft has made a move that could signal the return of the beloved 1990s console classic Battletoads. The Xbox giant last week filed for a trademark on the name of the side-scrolling platform beat-em-up as a game software title. Microsoft has filed for the trademark with an intent to use, stating "the applicant has a bona …
Shaun Nichols, 11 Nov 2014
Parrot Ar.Drone

Fire fighters call for no-drone zone around bushfires

Australia faces another serious bush fire season and authorities have warned that fire-fighting helicopters may have to be grounded if drone-owners can't resist the temptation to fly over fire-grounds. ABC News is reporting that the NSW Rural Fire Service (RFS) has asked amateur drone operators to stay away from fires. Last …

Printing Bad: Meth found in laser printer cartridges

Australia's Customs and Border Protection Service (ACBPS) has intercepted laser printer cartridges full of methamphetamine and charged a woman with importing a controlled drug. The cartridges were inspected at a Sydney air cargo facility where officers spotted a white powder. White toner cartridges being something of an oddity, …
President Putin doing judo

What? El Reg had a cheap dig at Putin?! SAY IT AIN'T SO

CoTW Dissing Vladimir Putin and re-publishing all those hilarious "macho" PR pics of him over the years is a public service. Unfortunately, one Register commentard disagrees. Happily, you all disagree with him. DISAGREECEPTION. First, before we show you that particular snippet, here's a few other little gobbets of joy from this week' …
hurrah

Police in U-turn as 'shop a gun-owner' hotline is scrapped

Downrange A Crimestoppers hotline set up specifically to target legal gun owners has been shut down following a campaign by the Countryside Alliance. The hotline was set up after the Association of Chief Police Officers (ACPO), the trade union for top cops in Blighty, announced a raft of measures targeting the licensed firearms community …

Apple fanbois are 'MENTALLY UNSTABLE' but you still have to 'SERVICE' them

QuOTW This was the week in which we learned that Apple shop staff have been ordered to "touch" fanbois – even though many the iSlaves appear to hate their customers. Angela Arhendts, who swapped life at Burberry to head up Apple's retail division, said she expected staff to "service" members of the public. "How do you make sure they …
Jasper Hamill, 9 Nov 2014
Moments of perspiration

Got a STRAP-ON? Remember to TAKE IT OFF at WORK

Something for the Weekend, Sir? As soon as I arrive at a client’s office, I take everything off. The scratchy, suffocating feeling produced simply by wearing stuff drives me to distraction, so whenever I get the chance, off it comes. Oh to feel the air on my skin... My clothes, you will be relieved to learn, remain distributed in rough approximation of current …
Pushmi-Pullyu

We must SMASH the Democratic Deadlock with MINDFUL EVIDENCE

¡Bong! “They fuck you up, your Mum and Dad,” the great Poet Laureate Sir John Betjeman once wrote. Harshly, I think. My own father, the late financier and diplomat Gilbert Xavier de Bong, who died designing the Richard M Nixon Presidential Library, bequeathed me many gifts. Not least of which is a deep moral purpose in life. “If it …
Steve Bong, 7 Nov 2014

Yes! It's DRONE PORN. And we don't mean shiny pics of UAVs

SFW-ish It's been said that a technology hasn't really made it into the mainstream until it's been used for porn*. If that's true, then welcome, drones. Thanks to Brooklyn, New York filmmakers Brandon LaGanke and John Cartucci – who produce ads, music videos, and other content via their company, Ghost+Cow – we now have Drone Boning, …
Team Register, 7 Nov 2014

Robot deputy blasts possibly explosive Mexican beans with CANNON in 'controlled explosion'

A robotic deputy from the San Diego Sheriff's Bomb and Arson Unit took no chances with a suspicious parcel full of potentially exploding Mexican beans yesterday, blasting the package with a "cannon" in a "controlled explosion". Local police spokesman Lieutenant Greg Koran told media that a postman making his rounds noticed that …
Lewis Page, 6 Nov 2014

Google Glassholes haven't achieved 'social acceptance' - report

Google Glass and other smart specs are proving to be a flop with sceptical consumers, the analysis firm Juniper has claimed. Juniper insists the "lengthy time-to-market and lack of a key consumer use case" is to blame for the lack of interest, which we think means that no company has managed to produce enough silicon specs, and …
Jasper Hamill, 5 Nov 2014
Dance Your PhD - screen grab

So You Think You Can Conduct Original Research?

This year's Dance your PhD winner has taken a different slant – no, “angle” is a better word – on the now-infamous competition: Uma Nagendra has taken to the flying trapeze ropes to beat off a strong field to take the prize. Her entry (video below) covers a topic that doesn't intuitively lend itself to dance, namely how …
Steve Ballmer

'I get it if you don't make money for 2 or 3 years, but Amazon's 21'

QuoTW The EU's digital office has warned this week that Hungary's proposed tax on ISPs can't become a precedent in Europe. Ryan Heath, spokesperson for digital czar Steelie Neelie Kroes, told El Reg: This must be seen in a wider context as part of a pattern to limit media and internet freedom. That is why it is so important to tackle …

Me GIVE you $14 SQUILLION gadziddly-DILLION

Something for the Weekend, Sir? Youtube Video I wish to notify you that my Late client Late. Engr. Alberto Gruber made you a beneficiary to his WILL. He left the sum of Seventeen Million Two Hundred Thousand Dollars (US$17,200.000.00) to you in the codicil and last testament to his WILL. After many years of relative calm in my spam box, a slow but steady …
Apple CEO Tim Cook, 2012

Apple CEO Tim Cook: My well-known gayness is 'a gift from GOD'

Apple bossman Tim Cook has come out as gay and has vowed to spend the rest of his life helping to "pave the sunlit path" towards equality and justice. Up until now, Cook's sexuality wasn't so much a secret as an unmentioned truth. He has frequently joined Pride marches and spoken openly about the mistreatment faced by gay people …
Jasper Hamill, 30 Oct 2014
Yepp_YPP2_girls

MEN: For pity's sake SLEEP with LOTS of WOMEN - and avoid Prostate Cancer

A surefire way of holding off that scourge of male health, prostate cancer, is to sleep with lots of women - according to the latest research. However, perhaps unfortunately for those gentlemen inclined that way, sleeping with a lot of other men has quite the opposite effect. These bombshells originate in a study from Canadian …
Lewis Page, 29 Oct 2014
Ardbeg head distiller Dr Bill Lumsden in his lab

Jim Beam me up, Scotty! WHISKY from SPAAACE returns to Earth

A Scottish distillery is celebrating the return of the first ever space-matured batch of whisky. Back in 2011, the Islay-based Ardbeg distillery sent several vials of whisky to the International Space Station, where they were spun around the earth at 17,227 mph, orbiting 15 times a day for almost three years. The astronauts up …
Jasper Hamill, 28 Oct 2014
Newton MessagePad 120 - logo

Now: The REAL APPLE NEWS you need to know

Apple Watch? Bah humbug. Bonk to pay? Boring. So what's the real Apple news today, you ask? Well, the birthplace of one of world's most famous pieces of fruit is up for a prestigious award. No, not the garage where Steve Jobs smoked joints and watched Woz the Great and Powerful build the first ever Apple computers. We're …
Jasper Hamill, 27 Oct 2014

UNCHAINING DEMONS which might DESTROY HUMANITY: Musk on AI

Electro-car kingpin and spacecraft mogul Elon Musk has warned that meddling with Artificial Intelligence risks "summoning the demon" that could destroy humanity. The Musky motor trader is terrified that humanity will end up creating a synthetic monster that we cannot control. And no, the SpaceX billionaire didn't warn us about …
Jasper Hamill, 27 Oct 2014

FATTIES: Boffins say their miracle sunshine skin cream 'prevents obesity'

Swingbellies: Take heed! An international team of top boffins say they have found that sunlight can reduce weight gain - and that they can duplicate the effect with a skin cream. "Exposure to moderate amounts of sunshine may slow the development of obesity," a university statement announcing the research says. And it goes on: …
Lewis Page, 27 Oct 2014
Suri Cruise poop

Let's make an app that POSTS your POO to APPLE HQ

CoTW Can we build an app that automatically delivers large quantities of human excrement to Apple's doorstep? That is the question frothing on fanbois' lips as we enter another Comment of the Week. On last week's exclusive announcement of the new “bump to dump” app Ploppr, silver-badged commentard Pen-y-gors opened the batting with …
Gareth Corfield, 26 Oct 2014
Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II, aged 81, of the United Kingdom. Photo taken during a visit in NASA’s Goddard Space Flight Center. Greenbelt, Maryland, USA

Not a loyal follower of @BritishMonarchy? You missed The QUEEN*'s first Tweet

Here it is: It is a pleasure to open the Information Age exhibition today at the @ScienceMuseum and I hope people will enjoy visiting. Elizabeth R. — BritishMonarchy (@BritishMonarchy) October 24, 2014 There's intense debate in some quarters as to whether Her Majesty pressed the button herself or not, with the Tweet …
Lewis Page, 24 Oct 2014
Queen Elizabeth photobombs members of the Australian hockey team at the Commonwealth Games

Adorkable overshare of words like photobomb in this year's dictionaries

Adorkable, photobomb, overshare, Tinder. What do these words have in common? Apart from being ridiculous portmanteaus and brand names that have made their way into common usage, they’re also words that will feature in this year’s new dictionaries. Queen Elizabeth photobombs members of the Australian hockey team at the …

Boffins who stare at goats: I do believe they’re SHRINKING

Climate change may be causing alpine goats to shrink in size, according to biologists at Durham University. Researchers analysed records of alpine animal sizes to discover that Chamois goats now weigh 25 per cent less than they did back in the '80s. Dr Tom Mason from the School of Biological and Biomedical Sciences at Durham …
Team Register, 23 Oct 2014