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Salesforce plan to rename London skyscraper 'Salesforce Tower' DEMOLISHED

A plan to rename a London skyscraper Salesforce Tower has been abandoned after the building's owners decided to give it more sensible name. The Heron Tower in London's financial district will now be known simply as 110 Bishopsgate, reflecting its actual address. Other tenants of the building raised concerns when the plan was …
Jasper Hamill, 12 Sep 2014

Cops apologise for leaving EXPLOSIVES in suitcase at airport

Australia's Federal Police force has apologised for leaving explosives in a suitcase at an airport. The force says the explosives – all 230 grams of them – were a “canine training device” inadvertently left in a suitcase used during a training exercise at Sydney Airport. The suitcase was then forgotten but eventually “a woman …
Simon Sharwood, 12 Sep 2014

Go home Google, you're drunk! Desktop Maps says The Shard's TWO MILES from actual loc

Anyone searching for directions to The Shard on the desktop version of Google Maps may be surprised to discover that the pointy, glassy London skyscraper is apparently plonked in the middle of one of the capital's best-known landmarks, Trafalgar Square. Eagle-eyed reader Pete Jones spotted the mapping blunder and tipped off The …
Team Register, 11 Sep 2014
Batteries that caught fire on Fiji Airlines plane

Flaming drone batteries ground commercial flight before takeoff

A pile of lithium drone batteries checked as baggage on a flight from Australia to Fiji could have had nasty consequences: a bunch of the Li-Ions burned in the hold of the plane. Fortunately for the idiot traveller whose baggage declaration said “no batteries” – and the other passengers on the Fiji Airlines flight in April – the …

'4chan may be just a sysadmin who knows his way around', claims so-called expert

QoTW This week’s tech news was dominated by the online publication of naked photos of celebrities like Jennifer Lawrence, Kate Upton and Ariana Grande, which were posted online by an anonymous hacker who apparently sourced the images from Apple’s iCloud. The pictures of 17 celebrities were posted to 4chan by the hacker, who claimed …

IT jargon is absolutely REAMED with sexual double-entendres

Something for the Weekend, Sir? My wife is looking at online porn again. This can happen accidentally to anyone from time to time, usually while reading through the results of perfectly innocent web searches such as oyster bar or prize giving head boy. But here my wife is scrolling through pictures of men being er... “serviced” from behind by women wearing …
Photo of Jonathan Ive

Jony Ive: Apple iWatch will SCREW UP Switzerland's economy

Comment The New York Times has profiled the wearables market and there's an intriguing little hint that, as a designer, Apple's Jony Ive is in fact a great marketing guru. For he seems to be thinking that the iWatch is going to be so cool that it'll entirely screw over the Swiss watch industry. This isn't, needless to say, quite what is …
Tim Worstall, 5 Sep 2014
Qantas A380 tail

Data entry REAR-END SNAFU: Weighty ballsup leads to plane take-off flap

We're all accustomed to tales of woe that children are becoming too fat, but how about too-light kiddies spoiling the balance of an aircraft? An error at Australia's Canberra airport left a 168-seat Boeing 737 struggling to take off because a group of 87 schoolchildren was entered into the check-in system as adults. As noted in …
iPhone forensics beaten image

Apple Fanbois (and girls) already lining up for NEW iPHONE

Apple has yet to formally introduce or set a release date for its next iPhone, but that hasn't stopped rabid fans of iStuff from queuing up for Cupertino's next shiny release. Customers in New York have already begun camping out in front of the company's flagship store for the honor (and attention) of being the first in line to …
Shaun Nichols, 4 Sep 2014
heart.brazil

MEN WANTED to satisfy town full of yearning BRAZILIAN HOTNESS

A Brazilian town populated solely by "extremely attractive" women is looking for obedient and well-behaved men to come and, erm, romance them. The 600 het-up hotties of Noiva do Cordeiro are feeling amorous, but there are simply no chaps about to court them. So they have issued a call for eligible males who think they're man …
Jasper Hamill, 28 Aug 2014

'I'll dance on their graves at 1 MILLION operations per second'

CoTW Welcome to The Register's new Comments of the Week feature. Here you'll find the best – and worst – of the stuff written below the line by El Reg's bafflingly diverse field of commentards. Just remember: we love you all. Even when your fellow commentards don't. The commentard who wins the “most popular” award this week is …
Gareth Corfield, 24 Aug 2014

Football legend Gary Lineker in TWITTER POO TROLL SCANDAL

Gary Lineker is a celebrated footballer, telly host and crisp salesman. But it turns out that on the internet, what he's really remembered for is taking a big poo on the pitch during the 1990 Italia World Cup. But now the face of Walker's Crisps has had enough of internet trolls and has issued a broadside against the social …
Jasper Hamill, 22 Aug 2014
Homer Simpson reading on PC

Get ready: The top-bracket young coders of the 2020s will be mostly GIRLS

The latest GCSE results have shown that more girls are getting top marks at computing - while fewer boys are getting an A*. Results released today show that 8.6 per cent of girls achieved the top mark of A*, an improvement on 2013 when 8.3 per cent managed to get the best grade. Boys, on the other hand, have flopped since last …
Jasper Hamill, 21 Aug 2014
This chicken is under attack [Click to enlarge]

Cops baffled by riddle of CHICKEN who crossed ROAD

After several millennia of global dominance, the human species is still uncertain about the motivations of those chickens that choose to cross the road. But last Monday, officers from the Portland Police Department got the opportunity to tackle this most insoluble of philosophical problems after a plucky clucker ventured into …
Jasper Hamill, 19 Aug 2014
A dragon in Game of Thrones

Yes, but what are your plans if a DRAGON attacks?

Brits are very concerned about the potential for life-threatening incidents involving dragon attacks, asteroid crashes and ghostly manifestations and they want their local council to do something about it, if their FoI requests are anything to go by. A dragon in Game of Thrones England’s Local Government Association has …

Drunkards warned: If you can't walk in a straight line, don't shop online, you fool!

One in four Brits have admitted to splurging too much cash during drunken shopping sprees online, according to a new survey. Insurance website Confused.com commissioned a research outfit to quiz 2,000 people in the UK about their booze-charged spending habits on the interwebs. The survey found some 24 per cent of the good folk …
Jasper Hamill, 18 Aug 2014

Why your mum was WRONG about whiffy tattooed people

Boffins have overturned the wisdom of parents everywhere by proving that stinky people with tattoos can play a vital role in society: by charging up mobile phones. Dr Joseph Wang and a team at UC San Diego have designed a temporary tattoo which acts as a sensor which contains an enzyme that strips electrons from lactate, …
Jasper Hamill, 15 Aug 2014

Murder accused DIDN'T ask Siri 'how to hide my roommate'

Updated Florida newspaper The Gainsville Sun reports that the accused in a murder case is alleged to have used his iPhone to search for ways to dispose of a body. Yet all is not what it seems. The Alachua County Criminal Justice Center is currently hearing a case involving the death of Christian Aguilar in September 2012. In testimony …
Simon Sharwood, 14 Aug 2014
Neil and Anita's fried breakfast on Saturday

Chomp that sausage: Brits just LOVE scoffing a Full Monty

As world events point increasingly to a nasty and very imminent end, the good of folk of Blighty are now thinking: bugger it, why don't I eat a fat boy fried breakfast rather than the poncy muesli my Californian chums subsist on? New stats have revealed that the English breakfast is surging in popularity. At least, that's (sort …
Jasper Hamill, 12 Aug 2014

eBay bans CD sales of metal band Burzum, citing offensive material

eBay has banned auctions of CDs and merchandise by Norwegian musician Varg Vikernes, on grounds that Vikernes holds views that the company deems offensive. Heavy metal fan site MetalSucks.net was the first to report on the ban, after an anonymous reader said that when he tried to list two CDs by Vikernes' one-man band Burzum for …
Costa Wi-Fi coffee

Nuts to your poncey hipster coffees, I want a TESLA ELECTRO-CAFE

Something for the Weekend, Sir? Tales from Bohemia, Silicon Roundabout style: in which intrepid explorer Alistair Dabbs goes in search of a cup of coffee in London's Silicon Roundabout tech district traffic feature... Indie cafe 1: Large soya latte, please. Am told they don’t do them in large. They weren’t wrong – drink is served in a vessel smaller than a …

Ex-Apple man Sam Sung - for it is he - sticks namebadge on eBay

Life must have been pretty tough as the only Apple employee named after the fruity firm's arch enemy. But don't feel too bad for Sam Sung of Vancouver, Canada, because he's set to make a small fortune simply by selling his Apple name badge. Auctioning my old Apple Sam Sung business card on eBay for charity http://t.co/ …
Jasper Hamill, 8 Aug 2014

Check your Clungene, Irish women warned

Ireland's Health Products Regulatory Authority (HPRA) has advised any woman who's trying to get pregnant to check her Clungene, if indeed she's using the Chinese pregnancy test kit to confirm she's up the duff. In some cases, the product has been providing false positives, so just when you think your Clungene is telling you …
Lester Haines, 7 Aug 2014
Marriage proposal over GPS

Love in the time of the GPS sees chap propose with Google Map

Bending at the knee and handing over a piece of ancient compressed crystalline carbon may be the traditional way to propose marriage, but the modern age offers us new and exciting ways to pop the question. As exercise-tracking app Endomondo has chronicled, one of its users hopped on a bike and cycled around, then uploaded the …
Parliament House Canberra by Flickr user OzMark17 used under CC Share and Share alike licence

Help Australia's PM and attorney-general to define metadata

POLL Australia's prime minister Tony Abbott and attorney-general George Brandis on Tuesday announced that Australia will collect telecommunications metadata. Yesterday, they contradicted each other, and themselves, when attempting to define metadata and exactly what they propose to collect. Both failed to offer a consistent …
Blood image

African samba queen: Don't cut off pirates' net connections – cut off their FINGERS

Sick of anti-piracy schemes that don't work? Bored with endless debates about whether or not to sever infringing downloaders' connections? How about a real deterrent – like amputation? That, according to reports out of Nigeria, is what one of that country's most prominent performers is suggesting. African samba crooner Stella …

Robot snaps on yellow RUBBER GLOVES, preps to invade Canada

Most right-minded humans are nervous that robots might one day decide to wipe us all off the face of the planet. But might the flesh-and-blood creatures be a threat to the silicon species? That's the question posed by the creators of a new mechanised hitch-hiker, which is set to travel from coast to coast across Canada on a …
Jasper Hamill, 5 Aug 2014

Plane grounded so cops can cuff semi-legless passenger

A Thomson flight from Tunisia to Edinburgh was diverted to Gatwick airport on Wednesday night after a female passenger allegedly threatened cabin crew with a false leg. As cops escorted her from the aircraft, other passengers bade her farewell with a rendition of The Hokey Cokey, STV reports. A Sussex Police spokesman confirmed …
Lester Haines, 1 Aug 2014

'Guess what: If you use the internet, you’re the subject of experiments'

QuoTW This was the week when Christian Rudder, co-founder of dating site OKCupid, told the whole world what idiots they were for not realising that everyone on the internet is messing with their minds. In a blog post addressing his customers and the wider interwebs world, Rudder said: We noticed recently that people didn’t like it …
Human fist before and after a punch

REGULAR FISTING is GOOD for your HEALTH, says respected surveyor

In the 21st Century it seems there are more ways to shake hands than there are Facebook gender categories (which number 56, if you're wondering). So what's an Englishman to do when faced with this breakdown of traditional decorum? Boffins at Aberystwyth University have suggested you make like Ali G and master the art of the fist …
Jasper Hamill, 1 Aug 2014

Nice computers don’t need to go to the toilet, says Barclays

Something for the Weekend, Sir?* Ever been invited to a party only to discover they gave you the wrong address? This doesn’t happen to me often but then I’m not the sort of person whom people invite to parties. Anyway, this wasn’t a party, it was a user group meetup. There I am, having made an attempt to smarten up a bit, travelled across town and deliberately …
Alistair Dabbs, 31 Jul 2014
Reebok Bacon

Sneaker-maker Reebok cooks up performance-enhancing BACON

Sports shoe maker Reebok is getting into the bacon business. The move into delicious salted pork parts isn't a diversification. Instead, the company is targeting devotees of the CrossFit cultfitness craze, who often adhere to a “paleo” diet that's heavy in protein and light on carbohydrates. Ad-slinging chronicle AdWeeksuggests …
Simon Sharwood, 31 Jul 2014
Apes gather around a giant screw

Thirteen Astonishing True Facts You Never Knew About SCREWS

BuzzGasm! 1: These Are Screws Screws Yup. 2: These Are Not Nuts and bolts How can you tell? They have big nuts but no prick!!! LOL!!! 3: Screws Are Traditionally Driven Like This... A screwdriver driving a screw 4: ...Except In Birmingham!!! A hammer and bent screw Classic Brummie builder joke! Excellent!! 5: Did Screws …

Too rich for an iPhone 6? How about a gold-plated Brikk?

For many people in the world, 600 quid is a lot to spend on a phone. But for some, it's way too little. So at last, a firm called Brikk has offered the 0.01 per cent a way to get their fruity fix while still hammering home the message they are considerably richer than you. For those with a spare £4,955 ($8,400), they've made …
Jasper Hamill, 30 Jul 2014

Indian techies-in-training face down MAN-EATING LEOPARD - and WIN

You've heard of the tiger that came to tea, but what about the leopard that came to lessons? That's exactly what techies-in-training at the Indian Institute of Technology in Bombay had to deal with when a big cat invaded their campus. After a leopard was spotted by the metallurgy department last week, the local forestry …
Jasper Hamill, 29 Jul 2014
MacPaint 1.0

CAPTCHA challenges you to copy pointillist painter Seurat's classic

A chap called Guy Abbott has created a CAPTCHA that asks you to take a swing at imitating pointillist painter Georges-Pierre Seurat. The CAPTCHA is available on the Contact Form on Abbott's site, which depicts an excerpt of Parade de Cirque, a painting in Seurat's famed €œpointillist style comprised of small dots of colour that …
Simon Sharwood, 28 Jul 2014

OKCupid: OK, STUPID, YES we set you up with BAD DATES. On purpose

The recent uproar from users who had discovered Facebook was meddling with their minds is overblown, according to Christian Rudder, co-founder of dating site OKCupid. Facebook's academic study into manipulating the moods of its users by fiddling with their news feeds has sparked an FTC complaint and a lot of outrage – …
Iain Thomson, 28 Jul 2014
By Frank Wouters, licensed under CC 2.0

Russia sends SEX-CRAZED GECKOS to SPAAAAACE!

Russian boffins have lost control of a satellite containing sex-crazed geckos - like there's any other kind - sent on a mission to hold a zero gravity orgy. By Frank Wouters, licensed under CC 2.0 Not the gecko who went aboard the Foton-M4...This is one Phelsuma madagascariensis from Madagascar. Pic by Frank Wouters, licensed …
Jasper Hamill, 28 Jul 2014
(c) Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer Studios Inc. TM Danjaq, LLC. All Rights Reserved

NSA man: 'Tell me about your Turkish connections'

Something for the Weekend, Sir? “Excuse me, sir, may I see your passport?” You have to give credit to white-collar Americans, even the seven-foot Richard Kiel cosplay US government thug in front of me: they are so polite. The odd thing was that I haven’t reached the States yet. I haven't even boarded the plane. In fact, I am still at Heathrow and had been …
Alistair Dabbs, 25 Jul 2014
BBC iPlayer

iOS services intended solely for diagnostics: 'I don’t buy it for a minute'

QuoTW This was the week when Edward Snowden revealed that not only is the National Security Agency (NSA) snooping on everyone, violating their privacy and raking through their online information, they’re also sniggering at their nudie pics. Snowden told The Guardian that one of the “perks” of the job of snooping on everyone’s web data …

Motorist 'thought car had caught fire' as Adele track came on stereo

A panicked motorway driver abandoned his car after the word “Fire” scrolled across his dashboard – but it wasn't a warning system kicking in: it was the name of the Adele song he was listening to. Stopping on the hard shoulder of British motorways is illegal unless it’s an emergency but folk still do it for all kinds of bizarre …

Plucky Rockall podule man back on (proper) dry land

Brit adventurer Nick Hancock left the North Atlantic islet of Rockall on Saturday, following a marathon 45 days atop the granite outcrop which saw him claim both the solo and group occupation records. A dramatic photo tweeted by Atlantic Marine Services shows the seaborne recovery operation in progress. Atlantic Marine …
Lester Haines, 22 Jul 2014