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A future queen, the spy chief behind the Iraq 'dodgy dossier' – and a war base rendezvous

Kate Middleton, the Duchess of Cambridge, has been shown around the historic home of Britain's World War II codebreaking efforts by a former MI6 chief who was instrumental in Britain's decision to invade Iraq in 2003. She visited Bletchley Park today to be greeted by the chairman of Bletchley Park Trust Sir John Scarlett, …
Jasper Hamill, 19 Jun 2014

Assange™ makes fresh bid for FREEDOM from Scotland Yard's 'physical encirclement'

Julian Assange™ is attempting to break out of the Ecuadorian Embassy in London, where he has been encamped for two years. His lawyers plan to file a request with the Stockholm District Court in Sweden, where Assange is wanted for questioning over allegations of sexual coercion, sexual molestation and rape. The WikiLeaker-in- …
Kelly Fiveash, 18 Jun 2014

DANGER MOUSE is back ... and he isn't half a GLASSHOLE

They call themselves explorers, but we all know there's a better word for anyone who wears Google Glass. Youtube Video Now the legendary kids' telly character Danger Mouse is set to return to Britain's screens, only this time he's a fully paid up Glasshole. A new series will air next year, with the rodent's eye-patch replaced …
Jasper Hamill, 18 Jun 2014

WORLD CUP SHOCK: England declared winner in 2-1 defeat to Italy

Spud-faced footie ace Wayne Rooney may not face the chop – after England was declared the WINNER in its World Cup opening match against Italy. The quick-tempered, woodwork-bothering Liverpudlian's fate was said to be hanging in the balance after the Italians scored two goals to England's one on Saturday night. Even though he …
Team Register, 17 Jun 2014
Nick Hancock and his survival podule atop Rockall. Pic: Nick Hancock

Podule-lodged Brit nears two weeks atop ocean peak Rockall

Brit adventurer Nick Hancock is approaching two weeks in a survival podule atop the North Atlantic outcrop of Rockall in his attempt to spend 60 days on the world's remotest islet in aid of Help for Heroes. Nick Hancock and his survival podule atop Rockall. Pic: Nick Hancock Twitching: Nick Hancock and his survival podule …
Lester Haines, 16 Jun 2014

'Hashtag' added to the OED – but # isn't a hash, pound, nor number sign

The venerable Oxford English Dictionary has added a word beloved by the Twitterati to its collection of 171,476 current and 47,156 obsolete words: hashtag. "The OED famously tends to wait until a word has been attested for several years before entering it into the dictionary, although exceptions are made for words which are …
Rik Myslewski, 13 Jun 2014

Smartphone SEX APPS will give you CUPID'S MEASLES - study

Have you fondled your slab in the hope of finding sex with a handsome stranger? Then you may want to get down the clap clinic pronto, because people who seek sex using smartphone apps are more likely to catch a nasty STD. That's the key point from a new study of hookup apps like Tinder and Grindr. Bonk-mad boffins in Los Angeles …
Jasper Hamill, 13 Jun 2014

So, what exactly defines a 'boffin'? Speak your brains...

The recent protest by computer scientist Yossi Oren of Columbia University that he hadn't been hailed as a boffin here at El Reg prompted some lively debate at Vulture Central as what exactly defines the term. Some of us, while conceding that scientists such as Oren are indeed clever chaps, felt that his area of expertise lacked …
Lester Haines, 12 Jun 2014
Tiger Woods 2011

Scott McNealy to caddie for 18-year-old son at US Golf Open

What did Scott McNealy do once Oracle slurped Sun? If one were to be unkind, one could say he became a bagman. And then note that the term has few pejorative connotations in the sport of golf, where it denotes the club-schlepping, advice-giving caddies who accompany top players around the course. 18-year-old Maverick McNealy is …
Simon Sharwood, 12 Jun 2014
Ardbeg head distiller Dr Bill Lumsden in his lab

DAMN you El Reg, CALL ME A BOFFIN, demands enraged boffin

CoTW It is with the deepest and most heartfelt concern that we here on the Register's standards and conduct committee wish to reach out today to our readers and apologise for a very serious violation of our editorial code. The error in question occurred with respect to this article, since amended: Hackers fondle boob tubes in Red …
Lewis Page, 11 Jun 2014
Google Doodle honoring Honinbo Shusaku

Whoops! Google's D-Day Doodle honors ... Japan

Google has apologized for publishing a Google Doodle honoring a Japanese Go player on the 70th anniversary of D-Day, blaming a technical glitch. "We always intended to highlight a new exhibition of imagery and archive material commemorating D-Day on our homepage," the online ad-slinger said in a statement. "Unfortunately a …
The inflatable approaches a swell-lashed Rockall in 2003

Brit lands on Rockall with survival podule, starts record attempt

Brit adventurer Nick Hancock has finally landed on the North Atlantic island of Rockall, just over a year since a first attempt to conquer the remote granite outcrop ended in failure. Nick Hancock. Pic: Michael Schofield Nick Hancock. Pic: Michael Schofield A short message beamed via satellite yesterday confirmed Hancock was …
Lester Haines, 6 Jun 2014
George Bush in Game of Thrones

Game of Thrones scribe George R R Martin will KILL YOU for US$20K

Game of Thrones author George R R Martin is running a crowdfunding campaign in which he promises to kill you for US$20,000. The writer has launched the campaign to support a wolf sanctuary near his home in Santa Fe. As is the case with most crowdfunding capers, this campaign offers rewards of increasing value for contributions …
Credit: IGNACIO LEONARDI http://www.freeimages.com/photo/1118608

Tech talk bloke compares girlfriend to irritating Java tool – did he deserve flames?

Poll A programmer was given a right shoeing on Twitter and various blogs for a classy move at a tech event – comparing Apache Maven to a beautiful-but-annoying girlfriend. Jonathan Doklovic, principal developer at software-maker Atlassian, made the comments while giving a thrilling talk about plugins at the AtlasCamp 2014 in Berlin …
Jasper Hamill, 6 Jun 2014

Japanese finally produce a ROBOT which isn't DEAD INSIDE

Pic Boffins have unveiled a robot that, we're confidently told, can understand human emotions. Named Pepper, the shiny machine has what appears to be a tablet computer strapped to its chest, and it resembles a cross between a mermaid and a, ahem, marital aid. It is the work of SoftBank Mobile Corp, a Japanese cell network, and …
Jasper Hamill, 5 Jun 2014

Apple? More like FAP-PLE: Fanbois are the BIGGEST PERVS, say people who know

Slab-fondling Apple fanbois have been outed as the world's biggest perverts, a new study from grumble site Pornhub has claimed. Safari, the fruity firm's browser, is smut lovers' favourite one-handed surfing software. It accounts for 38 per cent of Pornhub's mobile phone traffic and 73 per cent of tablet traffic. On tablets, …
Jasper Hamill, 4 Jun 2014
Another still of mechanics Dan Thompson and Gary Ker caught on Street View

'THERE'S BEEN A MURRRDER!' Plod probe Street View 'slaying'

Edinburgh cops investigating an apparent murder caught on Google Street View were delighted to discover it was a hoax perpetrated by a couple of mechanics. A concerned citizen alerted the boys in blue that images snapped by Google's all-seeing eye in the city's Giles Street showed a man beating down another with a pick axe …
Lester Haines, 4 Jun 2014
Amazon Kindle Paperwhite

Former Microsoftie becomes US ambassador, opts to swear in on KINDLE

A US ambassador has become the first public official to be sworn into office using a Kindle. Normally, incoming politicians take their oath with one hand on a holy book or a print-out of the country's constitution, but former Microsoft employee Suzi LeVine wanted to bring this tradition up to date. She took an oath of office on …
Jasper Hamill, 4 Jun 2014
Adidas Brazuca World Cup ball

Balls to the World Cup: Brazuca wins in the wind

In soccer, the ball matters: Japanese boffins say the new six-panel design to be used in the 2014 FIFA World Cup is the most stable and predictable in many a long year. Of course, the balls used in the World Cup are nothing like what oldsters like this correspondent would recognise. The old-style ball has long been replaced at …

US bloke raises $250k to build robo-masturbation device

NSFW The inventor of a "powerfully realistic electronic male pleasure machine" has hailed the “outpouring of support” for his robo-orifice after raising a whopping $250k down at Indiegogo. With the backing of over 2,000 chaps, Brian Sloan has shot past his original $45,000 goal and is now poised to deliver worldwide relief via the …
Lester Haines, 3 Jun 2014

Glassholes beware: This guy's got your number

An artist/engineer working in Germany is sure to have sparked the next Google Glass debate: is it okay to simply block them from a network you control? There's plenty of stories about “Glassholes” taking the devices where they're not wanted or aren't legal (for example, driving), with outcomes ranging from being charged to …
Inch-thick layer of fluff on PC case

The hoarder's dilemma: 'Why can't I throw anything away?'

Something for the Weekend, Sir? Alistair Dabbs is unwell this week. This column is a repeat publication of something we found, er, at the back of the cupboard. It's actually not that musty (it's from 2012). I like my house zen. Unfortunately, I am a hoarder, so it’s not. My half-life wife has been trying to educate me by making me watch TV programmes with …
Alistair Dabbs, 30 May 2014

WORLD HISTORY in SELFIES: So AMAZEBALLS your EYES will EXPLODE

BuzzGasm!! 1: Like Totally The Wrong Moment To Snapchat With God!!!! Eve in the Garden of Eden talking to a rather angry God on Snapchat #dontlistentothesnake 2: Note To Rihanna - This Girl Has Class!! Cleopatra's Flickr photostream #bathfullofdonkeycheese 3: So That's The Secret Of Her Smile! LOL!!! Mona Lisa and Leonrado da …
Two teenage girls - one whispering in other's ear

Rich bitch sorority girls actually more likely to put out than low-class 'sluts': Study

Devastating news on the "science" wires today, as authoritative profs of a sort have discovered that low-class poor girls well known to be "sluts" are actually less likely to give it up than posh sorority girls from wealthy families are. "Surprisingly, women who engaged in less sexual activity were more likely to be publicly …
Lewis Page, 29 May 2014

Spanish village of 'Kill the Jews' votes for rebrand

The inhabitants of the Spanish village of Castrillo Matajudíos (Castrillo Kill the Jews) have voted for a rebrand which will see their diminutive settlement called Castrillo Mota de Judíos (Castrillo Hill of the Jews). Castrillo Matajudios as seen on Street View The village formerly known as Castrillo Matajudíos, as seen on …
Lester Haines, 27 May 2014

'I found the whole idea of an alien very exciting until it demanded all of my weed'

Quotw This was the week when eBay admitted it had suffered a ginormous breach exposing millions of users’ emails and passwords to hackers, along with personal information like names, dates of birth, phone numbers and physical addresses. Although passwords were apparently encrypted, the online tat bazaar told everyone to change their …

Klingon and Maori roar into 'mutt's nuts' dictionary

Those of us who don't give a tinker's about an IT angle have been having a fine time compiling the mutt's nuts dictionary - the definitive international guide for those wishing to express excellence in canine testicular terms. This world-class piece of tomfoolery kicked off after we recklessly suggested our Vulture 2 spaceplane' …
Lester Haines, 23 May 2014

I'LL BE APP! Apple renews LiquidMetal contract, Terminator rumours flood interwebs

Apple has extended its partnership with a firm called LiquidMetal, making it more than likely its eponymous alloy will be used in some upcoming iThing. Sadly, this exciting-sounding material won't actually allow the fruity firm to create shape-shifting Terminators because its uses are likely to be far more prosaic. So far, Apple …
Jasper Hamill, 23 May 2014

Drug-dealing game Weed Firm tops Apple's App Store charts

Apple has lifted its usual censorship firewall to allow a game simulation of a drug-pushing business called Weed Firm to shoot to number one in its App Store charts. The sim-smoker app allows cosseted fanbois to imagine life as a herbal wholesaler. Players are invited to build contacts in the underworld, beef up their production …
Jasper Hamill, 20 May 2014
Apple signs for auction

Apple 'rainbow' logos set to fetch $10-15K at auction

A pair of logos taken from Apple's Cupertino headquarters are slated to fetch big bucks on the auction block. Auction house Bonhams is planning to offer two pieces of signage sporting the company's iconic rainbow-colored logo as part its upcoming auction series "The Story of the 20th Century." The auction is set to take place in …
Shaun Nichols, 19 May 2014

'Executed ex' of Norkers' bonkers Kim Jong-un rises FROM THE GRAVE

We're delighted to announce that reports of the execution last year of North Korean chanteuse Hyon Song-wol appear to have been greatly exaggerated. The former lover of Nork supremo Kim Jong-un was allegedly dragged before a firing squad along with fellow musicians on charges of "videotaping themselves having sex and selling the …
Lester Haines, 19 May 2014
Texting by TarahDawdy

Fast-fingered Filho flicks aside WinPhone-furtling fumbler after 4 months

A young Brazilian has smashed a world-texting record after accurately finger-blasting a nonsensical message at speeds hitherto unachieved by humanity. Marcel Fernandes Filho from Brazil, managed to type out a test sentence in 18.19 seconds, using a Samsung Galaxy S4 with the Fleksy keyboard application installed. To snaffle the …
Jasper Hamill, 19 May 2014
International Space Station

US space-station crisis: 'We have enough of our own problems' sighs Russian deputy PM

Quotw Google was dealt a blow this week when a US Appeals Court overturned an earlier ruling that Oracle’s Java software interfaces (APIs) are copyrighted. A jury had said Google's Android source code infringed Oracle’s Java, but that decision was moot once Judge William Alsup decided APIs are not the kinds of things you can copyright …
Colin Furze joyfully showing off his fully retractable Wolverine claws

Time-rich Brit boffin demos DIY crazytech WOLVERINE talons

Video Youtube Video Perhaps you thought the bits of cardboard you meticulously painted metallic grey and sellotaped to your hands were an awesome Wolverine costume last Halloween. If you did, you lacked the sheer naked ambition, engineering knowhow and oodles of time available to one Colin Furze, who has made his very own fully …

BuzzGasm: Cloud Internet Of Stuff As-A-Service!

Infographic! We all love stuff, and now all stuff is a service on the Cloud Internet Of Stuff As-A-Service™! To see what tomorrow's connected future holds today, click on our amazeballs infographic and prepare to have your brains explode right out of your ears! Wow!!! Our Cloud Internet Of Stuff As-A-Service Infographic! ®

Cloud computing is FAIL and here’s why

Something for the Weekend, Sir? Adobe’s spectacular FAIL over the last 48 hours confirmed, rather than revealed, cloud computing to be so unreliable as to be positively dangerous. Cloud computing is shite. It takes over everything you’ve got, then farts in your face and runs away giggling. For those readers blissfully ignorant of what us media production types …
Alistair Dabbs, 16 May 2014

Giant pop can FOUND ON MOON

Getting a man on the Moon was one of the 20th century's crowning achievements and a feat that hasn't been matched by any government, let alone a private company. But now one Japanese firm is taking a giant leap for advertising by launching the world's first privately funded lunar mission. So what sort of heroes are going to …
Jasper Hamill, 16 May 2014

Portable toilet mistaken for killer Nork drone

In March and April, something resembling an unmanned aircraft appeared over South Korean airspace and came to grief on terra firma. Whatever the unidentified flying object was, it was painted blue. North Korea denied all knowledge of the incidents. Fast-forward to last week when a chap taking in the sights of Cheonggye-Don, a …
Simon Sharwood, 15 May 2014
David Miranda and Glenn Greenwald

Anonymous: Why we're PICKETING Glenn Greenwald's book tour

Members of hacker collective Anonymous are preparing to picket journalist Glenn Greenwald's book tour – where the journo hopes to promote a tome about his reports on leaked files given to him by ex-National Security Agency sysadmin turned whistleblower Edward Snowden. The hacktivists want to disrupt the hack's book signings on …
Jasper Hamill, 14 May 2014
Computer cockroach

550 reasons to buy this book for your beloved: COCKROACHES of Oz

With Father's Day on the way any month now and just 224 days until Christmas, The Reg thinks you deserve a little personal shopping assistance. The idea of offering such help came to mind after the publication of A Guide to the Cockroaches of Australia, an AU$49.95 tome that immortalises “most of the 550 described species found …
Simon Sharwood, 14 May 2014

Stop bullying SUPER FAT GODZILLA, urge movie stars

The stars of a new Godzilla film have rallied round its big-boned monster star after cruel Japanese bullies renamed it Fatzilla. Twitter users rounded on the corpulent sea beast after publicity shots showed it had piled on a few pounds since the last films. Now the stars of the latest movie have come to the bulky beast's …
Jasper Hamill, 13 May 2014
Apple iMac

SMASH AND GRAB iThieves run car through front of Berkeley's Apple Store

A daring thief drove a car through the front of a California Apple store on Friday in what police believe was a planned robbery. Berkeley Apple Store robbery Smash and grab raid next handfuls of hardware The Berkeley 4th Street store was the scene of the crash-turned-heist early Friday morning when one or more individuals …
Shaun Nichols, 9 May 2014