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Why your mum was WRONG about whiffy tattooed people

Boffins have overturned the wisdom of parents everywhere by proving that stinky people with tattoos can play a vital role in society: by charging up mobile phones. Dr Joseph Wang and a team at UC San Diego have designed a temporary tattoo which acts as a sensor which contains an enzyme that strips electrons from lactate, …
Jasper Hamill, 15 Aug 2014

Murder accused DIDN'T ask Siri 'how to hide my roommate'

Updated Florida newspaper The Gainsville Sun reports that the accused in a murder case is alleged to have used his iPhone to search for ways to dispose of a body. Yet all is not what it seems. The Alachua County Criminal Justice Center is currently hearing a case involving the death of Christian Aguilar in September 2012. In testimony …
Simon Sharwood, 14 Aug 2014
Neil and Anita's fried breakfast on Saturday

Chomp that sausage: Brits just LOVE scoffing a Full Monty

As world events point increasingly to a nasty and very imminent end, the good of folk of Blighty are now thinking: bugger it, why don't I eat a fat boy fried breakfast rather than the poncy muesli my Californian chums subsist on? New stats have revealed that the English breakfast is surging in popularity. At least, that's (sort …
Jasper Hamill, 12 Aug 2014

eBay bans CD sales of metal band Burzum, citing offensive material

eBay has banned auctions of CDs and merchandise by Norwegian musician Varg Vikernes, on grounds that Vikernes holds views that the company deems offensive. Heavy metal fan site MetalSucks.net was the first to report on the ban, after an anonymous reader said that when he tried to list two CDs by Vikernes' one-man band Burzum for …
Costa Wi-Fi coffee

Nuts to your poncey hipster coffees, I want a TESLA ELECTRO-CAFE

Something for the Weekend, Sir? Tales from Bohemia, Silicon Roundabout style: in which intrepid explorer Alistair Dabbs goes in search of a cup of coffee in London's Silicon Roundabout tech district traffic feature... Indie cafe 1: Large soya latte, please. Am told they don’t do them in large. They weren’t wrong – drink is served in a vessel smaller than a …

Ex-Apple man Sam Sung - for it is he - sticks namebadge on eBay

Life must have been pretty tough as the only Apple employee named after the fruity firm's arch enemy. But don't feel too bad for Sam Sung of Vancouver, Canada, because he's set to make a small fortune simply by selling his Apple name badge. Auctioning my old Apple Sam Sung business card on eBay for charity http://t.co/ …
Jasper Hamill, 8 Aug 2014

Check your Clungene, Irish women warned

Ireland's Health Products Regulatory Authority (HPRA) has advised any woman who's trying to get pregnant to check her Clungene, if indeed she's using the Chinese pregnancy test kit to confirm she's up the duff. In some cases, the product has been providing false positives, so just when you think your Clungene is telling you …
Lester Haines, 7 Aug 2014
Marriage proposal over GPS

Love in the time of the GPS sees chap propose with Google Map

Bending at the knee and handing over a piece of ancient compressed crystalline carbon may be the traditional way to propose marriage, but the modern age offers us new and exciting ways to pop the question. As exercise-tracking app Endomondo has chronicled, one of its users hopped on a bike and cycled around, then uploaded the …
Parliament House Canberra by Flickr user OzMark17 used under CC Share and Share alike licence

Help Australia's PM and attorney-general to define metadata

POLL Australia's prime minister Tony Abbott and attorney-general George Brandis on Tuesday announced that Australia will collect telecommunications metadata. Yesterday, they contradicted each other, and themselves, when attempting to define metadata and exactly what they propose to collect. Both failed to offer a consistent …
Blood image

African samba queen: Don't cut off pirates' net connections – cut off their FINGERS

Sick of anti-piracy schemes that don't work? Bored with endless debates about whether or not to sever infringing downloaders' connections? How about a real deterrent – like amputation? That, according to reports out of Nigeria, is what one of that country's most prominent performers is suggesting. African samba crooner Stella …

Robot snaps on yellow RUBBER GLOVES, preps to invade Canada

Most right-minded humans are nervous that robots might one day decide to wipe us all off the face of the planet. But might the flesh-and-blood creatures be a threat to the silicon species? That's the question posed by the creators of a new mechanised hitch-hiker, which is set to travel from coast to coast across Canada on a …
Jasper Hamill, 5 Aug 2014

Plane grounded so cops can cuff semi-legless passenger

A Thomson flight from Tunisia to Edinburgh was diverted to Gatwick airport on Wednesday night after a female passenger allegedly threatened cabin crew with a false leg. As cops escorted her from the aircraft, other passengers bade her farewell with a rendition of The Hokey Cokey, STV reports. A Sussex Police spokesman confirmed …
Lester Haines, 1 Aug 2014

'Guess what: If you use the internet, you’re the subject of experiments'

QuoTW This was the week when Christian Rudder, co-founder of dating site OKCupid, told the whole world what idiots they were for not realising that everyone on the internet is messing with their minds. In a blog post addressing his customers and the wider interwebs world, Rudder said: We noticed recently that people didn’t like it …
Human fist before and after a punch

REGULAR FISTING is GOOD for your HEALTH, says respected surveyor

In the 21st Century it seems there are more ways to shake hands than there are Facebook gender categories (which number 56, if you're wondering). So what's an Englishman to do when faced with this breakdown of traditional decorum? Boffins at Aberystwyth University have suggested you make like Ali G and master the art of the fist …
Jasper Hamill, 1 Aug 2014

Nice computers don’t need to go to the toilet, says Barclays

Something for the Weekend, Sir?* Ever been invited to a party only to discover they gave you the wrong address? This doesn’t happen to me often but then I’m not the sort of person whom people invite to parties. Anyway, this wasn’t a party, it was a user group meetup. There I am, having made an attempt to smarten up a bit, travelled across town and deliberately …
Alistair Dabbs, 31 Jul 2014
Reebok Bacon

Sneaker-maker Reebok cooks up performance-enhancing BACON

Sports shoe maker Reebok is getting into the bacon business. The move into delicious salted pork parts isn't a diversification. Instead, the company is targeting devotees of the CrossFit cultfitness craze, who often adhere to a “paleo” diet that's heavy in protein and light on carbohydrates. Ad-slinging chronicle AdWeeksuggests …
Simon Sharwood, 31 Jul 2014
Apes gather around a giant screw

Thirteen Astonishing True Facts You Never Knew About SCREWS

BuzzGasm! 1: These Are Screws Screws Yup. 2: These Are Not Nuts and bolts How can you tell? They have big nuts but no prick!!! LOL!!! 3: Screws Are Traditionally Driven Like This... A screwdriver driving a screw 4: ...Except In Birmingham!!! A hammer and bent screw Classic Brummie builder joke! Excellent!! 5: Did Screws …

Too rich for an iPhone 6? How about a gold-plated Brikk?

For many people in the world, 600 quid is a lot to spend on a phone. But for some, it's way too little. So at last, a firm called Brikk has offered the 0.01 per cent a way to get their fruity fix while still hammering home the message they are considerably richer than you. For those with a spare £4,955 ($8,400), they've made …
Jasper Hamill, 30 Jul 2014

Indian techies-in-training face down MAN-EATING LEOPARD - and WIN

You've heard of the tiger that came to tea, but what about the leopard that came to lessons? That's exactly what techies-in-training at the Indian Institute of Technology in Bombay had to deal with when a big cat invaded their campus. After a leopard was spotted by the metallurgy department last week, the local forestry …
Jasper Hamill, 29 Jul 2014
MacPaint 1.0

CAPTCHA challenges you to copy pointillist painter Seurat's classic

A chap called Guy Abbott has created a CAPTCHA that asks you to take a swing at imitating pointillist painter Georges-Pierre Seurat. The CAPTCHA is available on the Contact Form on Abbott's site, which depicts an excerpt of Parade de Cirque, a painting in Seurat's famed €œpointillist style comprised of small dots of colour that …
Simon Sharwood, 28 Jul 2014

OKCupid: OK, STUPID, YES we set you up with BAD DATES. On purpose

The recent uproar from users who had discovered Facebook was meddling with their minds is overblown, according to Christian Rudder, co-founder of dating site OKCupid. Facebook's academic study into manipulating the moods of its users by fiddling with their news feeds has sparked an FTC complaint and a lot of outrage – …
Iain Thomson, 28 Jul 2014
By Frank Wouters, licensed under CC 2.0

Russia sends SEX-CRAZED GECKOS to SPAAAAACE!

Russian boffins have lost control of a satellite containing sex-crazed geckos - like there's any other kind - sent on a mission to hold a zero gravity orgy. By Frank Wouters, licensed under CC 2.0 Not the gecko who went aboard the Foton-M4...This is one Phelsuma madagascariensis from Madagascar. Pic by Frank Wouters, licensed …
Jasper Hamill, 28 Jul 2014
(c) Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer Studios Inc. TM Danjaq, LLC. All Rights Reserved

NSA man: 'Tell me about your Turkish connections'

Something for the Weekend, Sir? “Excuse me, sir, may I see your passport?” You have to give credit to white-collar Americans, even the seven-foot Richard Kiel cosplay US government thug in front of me: they are so polite. The odd thing was that I haven’t reached the States yet. I haven't even boarded the plane. In fact, I am still at Heathrow and had been …
Alistair Dabbs, 25 Jul 2014
BBC iPlayer

iOS services intended solely for diagnostics: 'I don’t buy it for a minute'

QuoTW This was the week when Edward Snowden revealed that not only is the National Security Agency (NSA) snooping on everyone, violating their privacy and raking through their online information, they’re also sniggering at their nudie pics. Snowden told The Guardian that one of the “perks” of the job of snooping on everyone’s web data …

Motorist 'thought car had caught fire' as Adele track came on stereo

A panicked motorway driver abandoned his car after the word “Fire” scrolled across his dashboard – but it wasn't a warning system kicking in: it was the name of the Adele song he was listening to. Stopping on the hard shoulder of British motorways is illegal unless it’s an emergency but folk still do it for all kinds of bizarre …

Plucky Rockall podule man back on (proper) dry land

Brit adventurer Nick Hancock left the North Atlantic islet of Rockall on Saturday, following a marathon 45 days atop the granite outcrop which saw him claim both the solo and group occupation records. A dramatic photo tweeted by Atlantic Marine Services shows the seaborne recovery operation in progress. Atlantic Marine …
Lester Haines, 22 Jul 2014

Yahoo! Japan! launches! service! for! the! dead!

Yahoo! Japan has launched a service called “Endings” designed to help you after you die. Endings is intended to let the dying set their affairs in order before they shuffle off this mortal coil. The service allows one to set up an automated message to email to up to 200 loved ones after you're gone. The email is triggered by a …
Simon Sharwood, 22 Jul 2014
Cat yawning

Carlos: Slim your working week to just three days of toil

The world's second-richest man, Carlos Slim, has called for a radical overhaul of the world's working arrangements, suggesting a combination of three-day weeks, longer hours, and later retirement. The Paraguay.com news agency reports Slim's comments, which were made to a business conference in Paraguay called “Growing Together …
Christina Chong in Line of Duty

New Star Wars movie plot details leak, violate common sense and laws of physics

Some meagre plot details for the new Star Wars movie have leaked online, revealed to BadAssDigest by “multiple sources” (some spoilers follow, obviously). Christina Chong in Line of Duty Newest cast member Christina Chong in Beeb TV show Line of Duty With no official word on plot from JJ Abrams, Disney or Lucasfilm, anything …

Brit Rockall adventurer poised to quit islet

Plucky Brit adventurer Nick Hancock will depart the North Atlantic islet of Rockall on Saturday - short of his intended 60-day stay but after breaking both the solo and group occupation records. Nick Hanock on Rockall with his survival podule and a small bottle of champagne 40 days atop Rockall. Cheers A couple of days ago, …
Lester Haines, 17 Jul 2014

Accused! Yahoo! exec! SUES! her! accuser!, says! sex! harassment! never! happened!

Maria Zhang, the Yahoo! executive accused of sexual harassment by former staffer Nan Shi, has filed a countersuit for defamation and intentional infliction of emotional distress, claiming Shi's allegations are nothing but a pack of lies. Lawyers representing Zhang filed the cross-complaint in the California Superior Court in …
Neil McAllister, 16 Jul 2014

Japanese artist cuffed for disseminating 3D ladyparts files

NSFW A Japanese artist has been arrested for disseminating "3D printable design files" of her own genitalia, 3DPrint.com reports. Megumi Igarashi, 42, was cuffed by Tokyo Metropolitan Police for allegedly supplying virtual ladyparts via email to a "30-year-old man in Kagawa Prefecture" and "many others" back in March. Igarashi, …
Lester Haines, 15 Jul 2014

Delaware pair nabbed for getting saucy atop Mexican eatery

A jiggy Delaware pair who allegedly indulged in some hot burrito meets soft taco action atop a Mexican restaurant have been charged with a buffet of offences including "lewdness", "indecent exposure second degree" and "resisting arrest". According to Newark Delaware Police Department's Facebook presence, an officer rushed to the …
Lester Haines, 15 Jul 2014
Predator drone, credit Wikipedia

DRONE WARS: Killers, spies? Nah, they're IDEAL for snapping pics of hot models

Drones have been used for various tasks including killing opponents from afar, spying on enemy combatants or even carrying bomb-disarming kit. But a group of researchers from MIT and Cornell University have dreamed up a much more peaceful role for the snap-happy autonomous robots. Boffins have suggested that drones could serve …
Jasper Hamill, 15 Jul 2014
The inflatable approaches a swell-lashed Rockall in 2003

Rockall pod-dweller Hancock beats solo occupation record

Brit adventurer Nick Hancock has broken the Rockall solo occupation record of 40 days – set back in 1985 by ex-SAS bloke Tom McClean. Hanock tweeted his success today as he eyes the next record, which would involve surpassing the 42 days spent atop the North Atlantic granite outcrop by three Greenpeace activists back in 1997. …
Lester Haines, 14 Jul 2014

Canuck reader threatens suicide over exact dimensions of SPAAAACE!

It's been a while since I've received a decent flame email, so it's hats off to one Lorne Babcock for this missive which sizzled into my inbox this morning, bemoaning the headline "Beer in SPAAAACE! London Pride soars to 28,000m"... SPAAAACE! How many A's should there be in the word space? The years go by Lester, and you do …
Lester Haines, 14 Jul 2014
Apple's invitation to its September 11 event in China

Apple: No, China. iPhone is NOT public enemy number 1

Updated Chinese state media have been warning that Apple's iPhone is a threat to national security, despite the firm's denials*. Why? It's all down to its creepy ability to track users and transmit data back to its Cupertinian overlords. A report broadcast on CCTV claimed the iPhone's "Frequent Locations" function was dangerously …
Jasper Hamill, 14 Jul 2014
Nick Hancock and his survival podule atop Rockall. Pic: Nick Hancock

Plucky Rockall adventurer prepares to leave islet

Brit adventurer Nick Hancock is preparing to leave the North Atlantic islet of Rockall, short of his planned 60-day stay but probably after he breaks the two existing occupation records. Nick Hancock and his survival podule atop Rockall. Pic: Nick Hancock Not long now: Nick Hancock and his survival podule atop Rockall Hancock …
Lester Haines, 11 Jul 2014

'Apple is TERRIFIED of women’s bodies and women’s pleasure' – fresh tech sex storm

NSFW Apple is weathering a sexism storm after its website apparently refused to engrave a raunchy poem on a newly ordered iPhone. Enraged that the California giant allowed penis, dick and similar words to be engraved on mobes – but, crucially, not clit – men and women in favour of equal opportunities have given Apple boss Tim Cook a …
Jasper Hamill, 11 Jul 2014

El Reg nips down IKEA's 'I've Got A Screw Loose Street'

Pics We're delighted to report that the Valladolid tentacle of flatpack world superpower IKEA does indeed lie on "I've Got A Screw Loose Street", and we've got the photos to prove it. Back in 2011, as construction of the 34,700m2 particle board megarepository was under way on virgin ground in Arroyo de la Encomienda, on the outskirts …
Lester Haines, 11 Jul 2014

Elon Musk to fund Tesla museum with 'ONE MEEELLION DOLLARS'

Electric-car mogul Elon Musk has agreed to help fund a museum dedicated to the late scientist Nikola Tesla, to the tune of $1m. Musk, who named his car company after Tesla, reportedly agreed to help support the museum after a phone conversation with web cartoonist Matthew Inman, creator of The Oatmeal. Popular geek Inman has …
Neil McAllister, 10 Jul 2014

Ham-fisted farmer fear: A peanut-butter-and-iPhone sandwich

Japanese farmers are claiming some shipments of grain from the USA include smartphones. The phones' presence isn't an Internet of Things play. Nor is it a new food craze. Instead, as reported by Japanese news outlet Mainichi, (through the Associated Press), it appears that US farmers are dropping their phones while they work in …
Simon Sharwood, 10 Jul 2014