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116

Farts away! Plane makes unscheduled stop after man won't stop guffing

An elderly man's flatulence forced his flight to make an emergency stop after a fight broke out over his barrage of bottom burps. Passengers flying with budget Dutch airline Transavia from Dubai to Amsterdam were reportedly put out by the man's continued farting, and asked him to stop. But the man failed to hold it in, and …
Rebecca Hill, 19 Feb 2018
Sheriff Woody
73

HomePod, you say? Sex sex sex, that's all you think about

Something for the Weekend, Sir? My wife has a hairy tongue. At least, I think she may soon develop one. The source of this information is the package leaflet inserted into the box of capsules she's been prescribed for what the doctor reckoned was a bad case of Woman Flu. Fans of Japanese surreal fiction and body horror should spend more time reading these …
Alistair Dabbs, 16 Feb 2018
shutterstock_275045957
56

Iran: We have defeated evil nuclear-sensing Western lizards!

Iran has gone full David Icke and accused lizards that "attract atomic waves" of spying for the West. Hassan Firouzabadi, a former chief of the Iranian general staff, told the country in a radio Q&A session that a group of pro-Palestinian campaigners had, for reasons not explained, brought lizards with them into Iran. They …
Gareth Corfield, 15 Feb 2018
24

Aching bad: 'Kingpin Granny' nicked in huge prescription drugs bust

Silver surfers are known to rattle from the numerous pills foisted on them by doctors as their health fails, but one Tennessee veteran stands accused of possessing drugs with an altogether different purpose. Dubbed "Kingpin Granny" by Decatur County cops, The Smoking Gun reported that 75 year-old wheelchair-bound Betty Jean …
Richard Currie, 14 Feb 2018
33

You dopes! US state's pot dealer database pwned after security goes up in smoke

The US state of Washington says a miscreant was able to access the system it uses to track the manufacturing and sale of marijuana. The Evergreen State's Liquor and Cannabis Board – a job that sounds way cooler than it actually is – yesterday admitted that last weekend someone was able to exploit a vulnerability in one of its …
Shaun Nichols, 09 Feb 2018
clench
121

No sh*t, Sherlock! Bloke suspected of swallowing drug stash keeps colon schtum for 22 DAYS

A suspected drug dealer accused of swallowing his stash has become internet famous – after refusing to take a dump, and thus provide the cops their evidence, for 22 DAYS and counting. The 24-year-old fella was arrested by Essex police on January 17 in Harlow, England. He is believed to have wolfed down several packages of …
Iain Thomson, 09 Feb 2018
58

Remember the Yorkie pizza horror? Here's who won our exclusive Reg merch...

Giveaway The winner of our “what would you do with a terrible Morrisons Yorkshire Pudding Pizza concoction” competition can, at long last, be announced to Reg readers of the Great British Public and beyond. Almost five thousand gastronomically inclined Register readers voted in our poll about the very weird thing released by Morrisons …
Gareth Corfield, 09 Feb 2018
old Cassette Tape player and recorder on a white background... the play and record keys are blurred from use.
177

Home taping revisited: A mic in each hand, pointing at speakers

Something for the Weekend, Sir? I once tried to do it standing on one leg, arms pressed against the wall for stability. On other occasions, I would do the business with arms and legs akimbo. In fact, I have variously tried it huddled in a corner, sitting on a ping-pong table, at both ends of a teak sideboard, straddling the back of a leather sofa and even …
Alistair Dabbs, 09 Feb 2018
planet of the apes
75

It's been 50 years since those damn dirty apes took the planet by storm

On a cold, dry evening of February 9, 1968, cinemagoers at New York's venerable Capitol Theatre were the first members of the public to be taken to a new but worryingly familiar world. Ahead of the film's nationwide April opening, patrons of the picture palace at 1645 Broadway half a century ago caught an early glimpse of the …
Michael Moran, 09 Feb 2018
Game of Thrones  cartoon
19

Game of Thrones showrunners to make Star Wars flicks

Game of Thrones fans hoping that showrunners David Benioff and D.B. Weiss might spend more time in Westeros will have to visit a galaxy far, far away instead after Disney signed the pair for a series of Star Wars flicks. Details are scarce: Disney's only said the pair will "write and produce" a "series" of indeterminate length …
Simon Sharwood, 09 Feb 2018
47

No yolking matter: Google Translate cock-up gives Norwegians more than un œuf eggs

A group of Norwegian chefs blames Google Translate after the applications improperly ordered 1500 eggs to 15.000. The incident occurred a few days ago at the Olympic Village in Pyeongchang, where the chefs had been keen to cook for Norway's 109 Olympic athletes. The Winter Games are a big deal in Norway, a country of 5.23 …
Shaun Nichols, 09 Feb 2018
John Perry Barlow, founder of the Electronic Frontier Foundation
12

Electronic Frontier Foundation chap John Perry Barlow has died

Obit John Perry Barlow, a co-founder of the US Electronic Frontier Foundation, and also a lyricist for the Grateful Dead, has died aged 70. Barlow passed away "quietly in his sleep" yesterday, according to the EFF, which he helped set up in 1990. "It is no exaggeration to say that major parts of the Internet we all know and love …
Gareth Corfield, 08 Feb 2018
an elf with his back t the camera waits for a subway train
65

ASA tells Poundland and its teabagging elf: Enough with the smutty social ninja sh*t

The UK's gummy-mouthed Advertising Standards Agency has given Poundland a gentle spank over a series of smutty tweets and posts on Facebook published over the Xmas period. The budget store positioned toy character Elfie at the centre of the double entendre laden #ElfBehavingBad* campaign, eliciting complaints from 85 people …
Paul Kunert, 07 Feb 2018
Edible Arrangements store
33

Basket case lawsuit: Fancy fruit florists flail Google over rotten ads, demand $200m damages

Google is being sued for more than $200m (£143m) by makers of fruit bouquets – because the web giant unfairly prioritized competitors' wares over their arty produce in search results, allegedly. Edible Arrangements – which specializes in crafting and delivering baskets of fruit cut to look like flowers – claimed that when …
Shaun Nichols, 07 Feb 2018
woman eating crisps with both hands
100

Dori-no! PepsiCo boss says biz is planning to sell lady crisps

Poll The boss of PepsiCo – the parent company of Doritos – has suggested women need their own lady crisps, apparently so they can keep their mouths quiet and their fingers clean. Indra Nooyi told Freakonomics Radio that "young guys" will happily lick the orange dust off their fingers and guzzle down the broken bits of crisps at the …
Rebecca Hill, 05 Feb 2018
144

A tiny Ohio village turned itself into a $3m speed-cam trap. Now it has to pay back the fines

A tiny village in America has been ordered to pay back more than $3m in speeding fines it collected from motorists – after its claims of "sovereign immunity" were laughed out of court. The town of New Miami, an hour's drive from Cincinnati, Ohio, boasts a population of just 2,200, and an annual budget of $1.75m. That budget …
Kieren McCarthy, 02 Feb 2018
302

Morrisons launches bizarre Yorkshire Pudding pizza thing

Giveaway Brit supermarket chain Morrisons has sacked 1,500 middle managers – but fear not, they’ve also vomited out an unholy creation that is part pizza, part Yorkshire pudding. The 6½” thing is made by filling an oversized Yorkie Pud with tomato sauce, cheese and typical pizza toppings. A photo of this strangely alluring monstrosity …
Gareth Corfield, 02 Feb 2018
angry bird
138

Are you taking the peacock? United Airlines deny flight to 'emotional support' bird

An artist was left spitting feathers after United Airlines told her she couldn't board a plane with her "emotional support" peacock. In a video published by travel site JetSet, the woman is seen wheeling her case across the departures hall in Newark airport, New Jersey, with the large bird perched atop her shoulder, as …
Rebecca Hill, 31 Jan 2018
Toilet with smiling loo paper
50

Borked bog forces flight carrying 83 plumbers to bug out back to base

A Norwegian airline flight carrying scores of plumbers was forced to make an unplanned break because of a persistent problem with the onboard water closet. The Munich-bound Boeing 737-800 left Oslo Gardermoen on Saturday morning but the plane returned to the airport north of Norway's capital to fix the malfunctioning loo. The …
Paul Kunert, 30 Jan 2018
milk production line. Photo by SHutterstock
36

Tsk-tsk, fat cat Softcat: Milk-slurping reseller taken to court

London Stock Exchange-listed tech box-shifter Softcat was taken to courts by a Leeds newsagent after the £832m turnover company failed to settle its milk bill. The cream-scooping company, whose gross profits last year were a wallet-bulging £136.3m, was being chased over an unpaid invoice of £840 for its Leeds office. The …
Gareth Corfield, 30 Jan 2018
64

Timeout everyone. Y'all know that Musk's $500 'flamethrower' is literally a Boring blowtorch?

You've got to hand it to Elon Musk – the guy could sell pork pies at a rabbinical convention. Over the weekend, his Boring Company started flogging thousands of "flamethrowers," netting the Tesla and SpaceX billionaire a cool $4.5m in sales as the internet went bananas for the gimmick. The thought of Musk wielding an actual …
Iain Thomson, 29 Jan 2018
Ursula le guin
72

RIP Ursula K Le Guin: The wizard of Earthsea

Obit Beloved dragon-tale spinning author Ursula K Le Guin has died. The novelist, probably best known for the thoughtful 1974 "anarcho-utopian" tale The Dispossessed, spent a lifetime exploring themes around revolutionary societies, individualism, anarchism and, of course, dragons. She was 88. She was a multiple Hugo award-winner …
Jude Karabus, 25 Jan 2018
sex work
40

Brit escorts: Without the internet to keep us safe, we'd be totally screwed

A study into the effect of the internet on professional sex workers has shown the online world keeps them safer, happier in their job, and more able to weed out creepy customers. Researchers at the universities of Leicester and Strathclyde in the UK interviewed 641 courtesans – with a roughly 80/20 per cent female to male …
Iain Thomson, 25 Jan 2018
pope_francis_648
67

Pope wants journalism like the Catholic church wants child sex abuse probes: Slow, aimless...

Take it easy with those hard-hitting exclusives and investigations, said the Pope this week, lumping inconvenient quality journalism with fake news and clickbait. We can't think why the head of a church mired in decades of globe-spanning child abuse scandals would have a problem with hacks doing their job and getting straight …
Shaun Nichols, 24 Jan 2018
44

Camels disqualified from Saudi beauty contest for Botox-enhanced pouts

Twelve cheating camels have been disqualified from a Saudi beauty pageant for having Botox injections to enhance their pouts. The contestants were due to compete in King Abdul Aziz Camel Festival festival, which has combined prize money of $57m (£40m). A vet had been caught giving camels plastic surgery including Botox …
Kat Hall, 24 Jan 2018
Man winces in terror and shock after something unexpectedly horrible happens to him. Photo by Shutterstock
67

'There was no monetary incentive for this' = not what you want to hear about your tattoo

A database admin liked Brit database tools biz Redgate Software so much that he decided to become a walking billboard and get the company logo tattooed on his arm. Fast forward nine years and his world imploded. Sort of. We will pay for its removal, marketing peeps told the admin... Rodney Landrum, a DBA from Florida had …
Paul Kunert, 23 Jan 2018
HUgh hefner and wife crystal harris
35

Playboy is suing Boing Boing over Imgur centrefold link

Iconic lads' mag Playboy is suing oddball internet culture website Boing Boing for linking to an Imgur archive featuring scans of centrefold models from over the years – a move described by the US Electronic Frontier Foundation as "frankly mystifying". Playboy Entertainment Group filed suit against the business behind Boing …
Gareth Corfield, 22 Jan 2018
Joyce
32

Take a former NSA head hacker, a Raspberry Pi, weird Kiwi radios and what do you get?

Shmoocon The news that Rob Joyce, former head of the NSA's elite hacking squad and now White House cybersecurity coordinator, was giving a talk at the Shmoocon infosec conference raised hopes he would offer up some juicy insights into the surveillance state or Donald Trump's cyber policies. Instead Joyce talked about his very unusual …
Iain Thomson, 22 Jan 2018
Rainbow paint brushes
73

Job ad for designer proves its point with MS Paint shocker

The City of Los Angeles has sparked plenty of chuckles with a job ad for a “Graphics Designer” that shows how desperately a new hire is needed by apparently using Microsoft Paint to illustrate the opportunity. The local government authority posted the ad to Twitter last Friday, as follows. https://t.co/rVbTTIAFBR pic.twitter. …
Simon Sharwood, 22 Jan 2018
Yahoo! branded bus
51

How many Routemaster bus seats would it take to fill Wembley Stadium?

A strong contender has emerged for an addition to The Register Standards Soviet's list of officially approved weights and measures: the Routemaster Fleet. In a tweet yesterday, a secondhand printer cartridge company said: "There were a combined total of 184,064 seats within the Original Routemaster Fleet. That's enough seats …
Gareth Corfield, 18 Jan 2018
67

France to lend Brexit Britain sore souvenir of Norman yoke – the Bayeux Tapestry

The French government will agree to lend the UK its most famous memento of the Norman conquest of England after Blighty leaves the EU. President Emmanuel Macron is expected to announce the loan of the Bayeux Tapestry during his visit to the UK on Thursday, which would not be transferred before 2020. According to The Times, …
Kat Hall, 17 Jan 2018
77

Butt plugs, mock cocks, late pay and paranoia: The world of Waymo star Anthony Levandowski… by his kids' nanny

The engineer at the center of a massive self-driving car lawsuit – brought by Google-stablemate Waymo against Uber – neglects his kids, is wildly disorganized, and has a large selection of bondage gear, his former nanny has sensationally alleged. Anthony Levandowski may also be paying a Tesla techie for trade secrets, may have …
Kieren McCarthy, 16 Jan 2018
38

Private submarine builder charged with murder of journalist

Danish submariner Peter Madsen has today been charged with the murder of journalist Kim Wall. At a press conference Danish police announced that Madsen was also charged with dismembering Wall, and with "sexual assault without intercourse of a particularly dangerous nature", referencing multiple stab wounds found on the body. …
Richard Priday, 16 Jan 2018
46

Frenchman comes eye to eye with horror toilet python

A lucky Frenchman has narrowly avoided having his todger bitten by a python that crawled up his U-bend. The unnamed Grenoble resident, who lives in a second-floor flat in the centre of the southeastern French city, discovered the errant snake last Saturday night while preparing to unleash his own snake upon the innocent …
Gareth Corfield, 16 Jan 2018
KFC Canada's bitcoin bucket
81

Junk food meets junk money: KFC starts selling Bitcoin Bucket

KFC’s Canadian wing has started selling chicken for Bitcoin. The artery-clogging Bitcoin Bucket “Includes 10 Original Recipe Tenders, Waffle Fries, Med Side, Med Gravy and 2 Dips,” at a cost of however many Bitcoin equates to CA$20. KFC Canada’s page for the promotion helpfully includes live updates of that sum in Bitcoin. …
Simon Sharwood, 15 Jan 2018
60

Infamous Silicon Valley 'sex party' exactly as exciting as it sounds

Comment This week, the tech world has been consumed with intrigue over the details of alleged "sex parties" hosted by Silicon Valley's power brokers. But as more details have emerged, what we all knew to be true has been slowly reasserting itself: nerds don't do sex nor drugs nor rock and/or roll. The salacious claims have been the …
Kieren McCarthy, 12 Jan 2018

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