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Super Woofer by Pleuntje, Flickr, under Creative Commons 2.0

Love your IoT gadget but could you keep the noise down?

Something for the Weekend, Sir? Shutupshutupshutup. There’s a man with an extraordinarily annoying voice on this floor and I wish he would take his fulsomely resonating gob somewhere else. Blah blah market synchronisation blah blah invested intelligence blah blah cooperative disruption arse bollocks. Don’t you just love open-plan offices? Actually, come to …
Alistair Dabbs, 20 Nov 2015

Prudish Indian censors cut James Bond Spectre snogging scenes

Indian James Bond fans have been making merry with the Central Board Of Film Certification's decision to cut a couple of Spectre snogging scenes by 50 per cent. According to the Hindustan Times, an insider said: "The Censor Board had nothing against James Bond kissing, but the length of the kisses were found to be excessive …
Lester Haines, 19 Nov 2015
real coffee by https://www.flickr.com/photos/ollesvensson/ cc 2.0 attribution generic https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/

Coffee fixes the damage booze did to your liver, study finds

If your liver's packing it in after a lifetime of boozing, changing your poison may yet keep you alive a little longer. So says Dr Alex Hodge, a consultant gastroenterologist and liver disease specialist at Monash Health, a unit of Australia's Monash University. Hodge and her colleagues studied 1,100 patients with either …
Simon Sharwood, 18 Nov 2015
Mean Girls Regina

Google, didn't you get the memo? Stop trying to make Google+ happen

Google+ has been a lot of things in its four years on our computers – a sort-of social network, an identity manager for other Google platforms, and something of an industry joke. Now Google is trying again with the portal that wouldn't die. "We’ve spent a lot of time listening to what people using Google+ had to say. There …
Iain Thomson, 18 Nov 2015

French Playmobil heist: El Reg denies involvement

We at El Reg's Playmobil department would like to categorically deny any involvement in a heist last week which saw thousands of boxes of miniature fun lifted from a lorry in southeastern France. According to this local report, thieves made off with 12 pallets of Playmobil from a lorry parked in Saint-Quentin-Fallavier, some …
Lester Haines, 17 Nov 2015
Man in an orange jumpsuit clutches prison bars. Image by Shutterstock

Commentard achieves bronze badge, goes directly to jail

Those of you who've been knocking around the El Reg forums for a while will know that we have a badge system designed to honour invaluable commentard contributions to the site, or at least acknowledge a certain degree of commitment to giving forth. To get a foot on the first step on the ladder of glory - the bronze badge - you …
Lester Haines, 17 Nov 2015

Slovakians seek funds for battling drone squadron

A Slovakian company is attempting to raise $70,000 to get its "Drone n Base" fleet of battling mini UAVs off the ground. According to the tin-rattlers down at Indiegogo, Drone N Base is the "ultimate multiplayer drone game", enabling smartphone-controlled racing or aerial combat. The basic kit includes a lightweight (46g …
Lester Haines, 16 Nov 2015
Doctor Who, Season 9 – Sleep No More. Pic credit: BBC

Doctor Who: Nigel Farage-alike bogey beast terrorises in darkly comic Sleep No More

TV Review Readers please note: THIS IS A POST-UK BROADCAST REVIEW – THERE WILL BE SPOILERS! When someone tells you not to look, what do you do? Stare incessantly, of course. Mark Gatiss – dark comedy master and the writer of this week's episode, Sleep No More – knows this only too well. And with a monster to boot that has the same …
Kelly Fiveash, 14 Nov 2015
wales

BBC encourages rebellious Welsh town to move offshore

A bunch of small Welsh business folk are playing the likes of Amazon and Google at their own game, by proposing to move their tax domiciles offshore – with the connivance of the publicly funded Beeb. According to an upcoming BBC documentary – The Town That Went Offshore – five businesses based in Crickhowell, Powys have banded …
Joe Fay, 13 Nov 2015
I would vote republican but I crave brains by https://www.flickr.com/photos/clarkmackey/  cc 2.0 attribution generic https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/

Your taxes at work: Three hours driving to turn on politician's PC

On-Call Welcome again to On-Call, in which fellow Reg readers share their experiences of going out into user-land to fix stuff, often under trying circumstances. This week's tale comes from reader John, who wrote to share his reminiscences”working for a local authority in the north of England covering some 800 square miles of …
Simon Sharwood, 13 Nov 2015

Drug-smuggling granny's vagina holds Kinder surprise

A 73-year-old Spanish woman has avoided jail for a failed attempt to smuggle drugs to her incarcerated son by hiding them inside a Kinder egg plastic podule, wrapping that in a condom and inserting the contraband into her vagina. The septuagenarian mule visited Fontcalent prison in Alicante on 1 July 2013, with the intention …
Lester Haines, 12 Nov 2015

GCHQ goes all Cool Dad and tags the streets of Shoreditch with job ads

Spotted in Shoreditch, London's Hipster Central as well as the beating heart of Tech City, witness the labours of a GCHQ advertising team hoping to go viral. It's working, as you can see. Shoe-leather advertising Let's hope the tagging team avoids the mistake that IBM made in 2001 when it stencilled the streets of San …
Drew Cullen, 11 Nov 2015

Cement company in sacks out for the lads rumpus

A Spanish cement manufacturer has been called to account for its persistent and blatant use of large-breasted women to punt its wares. Cementos La Unión recently found itself in a Valencia court accused of sexism, following legal action by Spain's Institute of Women, a tentacle of the Ministry of Equality. The Violence Against …
Lester Haines, 11 Nov 2015
Icebreaker - Australian Antarctic Division

Chinese sat-snaps to help boffins forecast Antarctic sea ice

One of the thornier problems to beset Antarctic researchers is threading or punching a ship through sea ice, so Australia wants to tap China for better sea ice forecasts. Predicting sea ice conditions is an almost-untouched discipline, but it's becoming important, with more countries taking an interest in the icy continent ( …
Train wreck

Stoned train in multi-million-dollar wreck

Melbourne police are investigating who made off with a train at around 2am this morning, resulting in around AU$2 million worth of damage. Trains aren't supposed to move unless the driver has a key, but according to the Australian Broadcasting Corporation (ABC), the vandals defeated the lock with a literally stone-age …

Royal Mail mulls drones for rural deliveries

The Royal Mail's chief exec has envisioned a future with drone deliveries and driverless vans. Jumping enthusiastically onto the airborne parcel bandwagon, Moya Greene told the CBI's annual conference she'd "love to see" UAVs taking on rural delivery services to "more remote places where you don’t have to deliver too much". …
Lester Haines, 10 Nov 2015

Flying drug mule crashes in Manchester prison

A quadcopter carrying drugs and mobile phones crashed in a yard of Manchester's Strangeways prison last Friday, and while residents were deprived of that particular cargo, a former inmate claims cases of airborne contraband delivery are "rife". According to the Manchester Evening News, a Prison Service spokesperson said: "A …
Lester Haines, 9 Nov 2015
Still from Julien Solomita video of US Trident test-shot

Trident test-shot startles West Coast Americans

Video The US Navy has challenged Orson Welles in the UFO-panic stakes: an un-announced (and thankfully unarmed) Trident missile test over the weekend caught citizens by surprise and sparked a YouTube frenzy. The brasshats decided to launch the missile from an Ohio-class submarine, and while they prudently set up a no-fly zone in the …
Doctor Who, Season 9 – The Zygon Inversion. Pic credit: BBC

Doctor Who's good/bad duality, war futility tale in The Zygon Inversion fails to fizz

TV Review Readers please note: THIS IS A POST-UK BROADCAST REVIEW – THERE WILL BE SPOILERS! "I'm me", says Osgood, in response to the Doctor's question: is she Zygon or human? This got me thinking about Me. No, not me, but Me! Ashildr is another would-be companion to the Time Lord, except that – like Osgood – she remains stuck on Earth …
Kelly Fiveash, 7 Nov 2015
Robert DeNiro in Godfather II

Goodfella's attack smacks Slack chap for whack crack? It's a fact, Jack

Legendary actor Robert De Niro doesn't think much of tech's "brogrammer" culture, and he made as much known this week when he verbally eviscerated one smart-mouthed app developer. The confrontation (if you could call it that) took place at an awards show in New York hosted by the Wall Street Journal. According to the New York …
Shaun Nichols, 7 Nov 2015

Scarface's explosive 'Little Friend' goes under the hammer

The M16 rifle used to explosive effect by Al Pacino as Cuban drug dealer Tony Montana in the climactic battle scene of Scarface goes under the hammer later this month in Los Angeles. The Scarface M-16. Pic: Julien's Auctions The non-firing firearm, complete with prop M203 grenade launcher, features large and loud in Brian …
Lester Haines, 6 Nov 2015
Chantelle's Melbourne Cup selfie

'I posted winning race ticket in Facebook selfie ... and someone stole it!'

Photo An Australian woman says she lost out on AU$900 (US$643, £418) after someone lifted her winning race ticket from a Facebook photo. Chantelle, whose last name was not given, said she won the money on 100-1 long-shot Prince of Penzance at Tuesday's Melbourne Cup horse race. Shortly after the race, the Perth woman snapped a …
Shaun Nichols, 4 Nov 2015

Spanish town trumpets 'Clitoris Festival' thanks to Google snafu

A Spanish town got lips smacking in anticipation last week after the municipal website announced a forthcoming "Clitoris Festival". The powers that be in As Pontes, Galicia, had intended to trumpet the annual Feira do grelo, or "Rapini Festival", in honour of the leafy delicacy. However, while the original description in …
Lester Haines, 3 Nov 2015
Left 4 Dead 2 on Linux

World's most frustrating televised Linux install just got more frustrating

Vid Hundreds of people are trying to install Arch Linux on a machine at the same time in the same terminal, using a voting system to decide the next keypress. It's horrifically frustrating watching an attempt to run makefs hijacked with a slowly typed rm -rf / command; the filesystem-wiping order thwarted at the last moment by …
Iain Thomson, 2 Nov 2015

Lessig quits presidential race to spend more time with his idiotic ideas

Law professor Lawrence Lessig has quit the US presidential race. The author of Code and Other Laws of Cyberspace and the driving force behind Creative Commons announced the decision on Monday, after it became clear he wouldn't make it into the second Democratic candidate debate. In a video explaining the decision, Lessig …

Google snaps Dutch woman completely taking the piss

NSFW Google has moved with its usual lightning speed to erase an entertaining street scene captured by one of by its Street View prowlcams in the in the Dutch town of Almere. Our censored version of the Street View woman No sooner had the apparently worse for wear micturator been splashed across Live Leak than expert blurring …
Lester Haines, 2 Nov 2015
Doctor Who – The Zygon Invasion. Pic credit: BBC

Doctor Who's The Zygon Invasion shape-shifts Clara and brings yet more hybrids

TV Review Readers please note: THIS IS A POST-UK BROADCAST REVIEW – THERE WILL BE SPOILERS! Kelly says: Time – once again – to sound the hybrid klaxon. Of course, Osgood is a hybrid: the whole thing is slowly falling into place. Can we finally see a relevance in that name now that we have an evil and way more entertaining (the baddies …
Kelly Fiveash, 31 Oct 2015

Use Skype if you want to report a crime, say cops

Police in Peterborough, UK, are asking Brits to report crimes via Skype chats. Officers in the east-of-England city, population 185,000, will grapple with Microsoft's video-chat software in lieu of face-to-face visits. Meeting people in their homes takes up too much valuable police time, we're told. The 999 emergency line …
Shaun Nichols, 30 Oct 2015

Volvo eyes kangaroo detection tech

Swedish motor manufacturer Volvo is developing "kangaroo detection" tech aimed at reducing the number of collisions between metal and marsupial. The company reckons there are "20,000 kangaroo strikes on Australian roads each year costing over AU $75 million in insurance claims". It already has the "City Safety" system, which …
Lester Haines, 30 Oct 2015

Post-pub nosh neckfiller special: The WHO bacon sarnie of death

Earlier this week, the World Health Organisation (WHO) shocked the civilised bacon-eating world by classifying processed and red meat as "carcinogenic to humans" and "probably carcinogenic to humans", respectively. Now boasting a "Group 1" rating for the increased risk of provoking colorectal cancer, processed meat products …
Lester Haines, 30 Oct 2015

Aussies' distinctive Strine down to drunk forefathers

Australians' distinctive accent – known affectionately as "Strine" – was formed in the country's early history by drunken settlers' "alcoholic slur". This shock claim, we hasten to add, comes from Down Under publication The Age, which explains: The Australian alphabet cocktail was spiked by alcohol. Our forefathers regularly …
Lester Haines, 28 Oct 2015

Bacon can kill: Official

As predicted last week, the World Health Organisation (WHO) has classified processed meat as "carcinogenic to humans". The decision is based on the findings of 22 experts from 10 countries working with WHO's cancer tentacle the International Agency for Research on Cancer (IARC). Having reviewed the "accumulated scientific …
Lester Haines, 26 Oct 2015

The iPhone 6 doused in bromine - an incendiary mix or not?

Vid In case you've been wondering, like you do, just what happens if you pour bromine on an iPhone 6S, the Daily Telegraph reports on a vid which shows the Jesus mobe "bursting into flames" when doused in the malodorous element. Don't Ever Pour Bromine on an iPhone 6S! Well, we don't want to rain on this fiery spectacle, but it's …
Lester Haines, 26 Oct 2015
Three slices of American bacon

'Cancer-causing bacon would put a real dampner on processed pig sales'

QuoTW This week, it was all about a CIA hack, a stock handout at Twitter and a tale of laid-off worker outrage. Now, let's have a look at the quotes of the week: The fatty sheen has been taken off the bacon sarnie with new research that tells us processed meats could be a cancer risk. In its report, the World Health Organisation …
Shaun Nichols, 25 Oct 2015

El Reg revisits Battle of Agincourt on 600th anniversary

Today is St Crispin's Day, and the 600th anniversary of the Battle of Agincourt. On 25 October 1415, the scant forces of Henry V administered a righteous shoeing to a numerically superior French army, in the process securing immortality in the annals of British military legend. Disagreeably, some historians have attempted to …
Lester Haines, 25 Oct 2015
Doctor Who – The Woman Who Lived. Pic credit: BBC

It's all Me, Me, Me! in Doctor Who's The Woman Who Lived but what of Clara's fate?

TV Review Readers please note: THIS IS A POST-UK BROADCAST REVIEW – THERE WILL BE SPOILERS! Gavin says: No surprise, then, that Ashildr turns bad. If we’ve learned anything about vampires, it’s that their world-weary, callous and arrogant demeanour comes from outliving everybody else. Ashildr predictably hits the wrong track, having …
Kelly Fiveash, 24 Oct 2015
google_vs_ms_648

We applied to Google's €150m journalism fund – here's what we sent in

We here at El Reg were very excited on Friday morning to note the launch of a new €150m ($165m) journalism fund called the Digital News Initiative, funded by everyone's favorite news service, Google. The initiative's goal is to "support high-quality journalism through technology and innovation" and you are able to apply online …
Kieren McCarthy, 24 Oct 2015
Neil Cardy's massive bacon sarnie from a cafe on the A90

Bacon as deadly as cigarettes and asbestos

In really, really bad news for bacon lovers, a shock report says the World Health Organisation (WHO) will next week add processed meat to its "carcinogenic to humans" list. That's according to the Daily Mail, which claims that, according to "a well-placed source", a gathering of international scientists have checked the …
Lester Haines, 23 Oct 2015

Steve Jobs, The (real) Movie

¡Bong! I have been dismayed but not surprised to hear complaints that the movie by my friend Danny Boyle misrepresents the life of Steve Jobs, and contains numerous factual inaccuracies. Following our highly successful partnership on the 2012 Olympic opening ceremony, Danny and I worked closely developing the movie. Indeed, at one …
Steve Bong, 23 Oct 2015

German football hero battles Nazi doppelgänger

German football hero Bastian Schweinsteiger is none too happy with a Chinese-made Wehrmacht action figure which bears both his name and an uncanny resemblance to the Manchester United midfielder. London's Evening Standard reports that Schweinsteiger has set a pack of attack lawyers on Hong Kong manufacturer DiD over the " …
Lester Haines, 22 Oct 2015
A handful of euro 1 cent coins

Ireland moves to scrap 1 and 2 cent coins

Ireland is moving to eliminate diminutive 1 and 2 euro cent coins with the introduction of "coin rounding", which will see cash transactions rounded up or down to the nearest 5 cents. Following a successful 2013 trial in Wexford, the plan will roll out across the Emerald Isle on 28 October. Rounding is entirely voluntary, both …
Lester Haines, 19 Oct 2015
Yoga_woman

WIN a 6TB Western Digital Black hard drive with El Reg

El Reg's last caption competition had two men experiencing an Oculus Rift in a forest. Lots of the captions – indeed, most of them – hinged around a large ear growing out of a tree behind the two VR viewers. Christian Bertrand / Shutterstock.com There are lots of regular names here, and multiple entries from some of the …
Simon Rockman, 16 Oct 2015