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Former Microsoftie becomes US ambassador, opts to swear in on KINDLE

A US ambassador has become the first public official to be sworn into office using a Kindle. Normally, incoming politicians take their oath with one hand on a holy book or a print-out of the country's constitution, but former Microsoft employee Suzi LeVine wanted to bring this tradition up to date. She took an oath of office on …
Jasper Hamill, 4 Jun 2014
Adidas Brazuca World Cup ball

Balls to the World Cup: Brazuca wins in the wind

In soccer, the ball matters: Japanese boffins say the new six-panel design to be used in the 2014 FIFA World Cup is the most stable and predictable in many a long year. Of course, the balls used in the World Cup are nothing like what oldsters like this correspondent would recognise. The old-style ball has long been replaced at …

US bloke raises $250k to build robo-masturbation device

NSFW The inventor of a "powerfully realistic electronic male pleasure machine" has hailed the “outpouring of support” for his robo-orifice after raising a whopping $250k down at Indiegogo. With the backing of over 2,000 chaps, Brian Sloan has shot past his original $45,000 goal and is now poised to deliver worldwide relief via the …
Lester Haines, 3 Jun 2014

Glassholes beware: This guy's got your number

An artist/engineer working in Germany is sure to have sparked the next Google Glass debate: is it okay to simply block them from a network you control? There's plenty of stories about “Glassholes” taking the devices where they're not wanted or aren't legal (for example, driving), with outcomes ranging from being charged to …
Inch-thick layer of fluff on PC case

The hoarder's dilemma: 'Why can't I throw anything away?'

Something for the Weekend, Sir? Alistair Dabbs is unwell this week. This column is a repeat publication of something we found, er, at the back of the cupboard. It's actually not that musty (it's from 2012). I like my house zen. Unfortunately, I am a hoarder, so it’s not. My half-life wife has been trying to educate me by making me watch TV programmes with …
Alistair Dabbs, 30 May 2014

WORLD HISTORY in SELFIES: So AMAZEBALLS your EYES will EXPLODE

BuzzGasm!! 1: Like Totally The Wrong Moment To Snapchat With God!!!! Eve in the Garden of Eden talking to a rather angry God on Snapchat #dontlistentothesnake 2: Note To Rihanna - This Girl Has Class!! Cleopatra's Flickr photostream #bathfullofdonkeycheese 3: So That's The Secret Of Her Smile! LOL!!! Mona Lisa and Leonrado da …
Two teenage girls - one whispering in other's ear

Rich bitch sorority girls actually more likely to put out than low-class 'sluts': Study

Devastating news on the "science" wires today, as authoritative profs of a sort have discovered that low-class poor girls well known to be "sluts" are actually less likely to give it up than posh sorority girls from wealthy families are. "Surprisingly, women who engaged in less sexual activity were more likely to be publicly …
Lewis Page, 29 May 2014

Spanish village of 'Kill the Jews' votes for rebrand

The inhabitants of the Spanish village of Castrillo Matajudíos (Castrillo Kill the Jews) have voted for a rebrand which will see their diminutive settlement called Castrillo Mota de Judíos (Castrillo Hill of the Jews). Castrillo Matajudios as seen on Street View The village formerly known as Castrillo Matajudíos, as seen on …
Lester Haines, 27 May 2014

'I found the whole idea of an alien very exciting until it demanded all of my weed'

Quotw This was the week when eBay admitted it had suffered a ginormous breach exposing millions of users’ emails and passwords to hackers, along with personal information like names, dates of birth, phone numbers and physical addresses. Although passwords were apparently encrypted, the online tat bazaar told everyone to change their …

Klingon and Maori roar into 'mutt's nuts' dictionary

Those of us who don't give a tinker's about an IT angle have been having a fine time compiling the mutt's nuts dictionary - the definitive international guide for those wishing to express excellence in canine testicular terms. This world-class piece of tomfoolery kicked off after we recklessly suggested our Vulture 2 spaceplane' …
Lester Haines, 23 May 2014

I'LL BE APP! Apple renews LiquidMetal contract, Terminator rumours flood interwebs

Apple has extended its partnership with a firm called LiquidMetal, making it more than likely its eponymous alloy will be used in some upcoming iThing. Sadly, this exciting-sounding material won't actually allow the fruity firm to create shape-shifting Terminators because its uses are likely to be far more prosaic. So far, Apple …
Jasper Hamill, 23 May 2014

Drug-dealing game Weed Firm tops Apple's App Store charts

Apple has lifted its usual censorship firewall to allow a game simulation of a drug-pushing business called Weed Firm to shoot to number one in its App Store charts. The sim-smoker app allows cosseted fanbois to imagine life as a herbal wholesaler. Players are invited to build contacts in the underworld, beef up their production …
Jasper Hamill, 20 May 2014
Apple signs for auction

Apple 'rainbow' logos set to fetch $10-15K at auction

A pair of logos taken from Apple's Cupertino headquarters are slated to fetch big bucks on the auction block. Auction house Bonhams is planning to offer two pieces of signage sporting the company's iconic rainbow-colored logo as part its upcoming auction series "The Story of the 20th Century." The auction is set to take place in …
Shaun Nichols, 19 May 2014

'Executed ex' of Norkers' bonkers Kim Jong-un rises FROM THE GRAVE

We're delighted to announce that reports of the execution last year of North Korean chanteuse Hyon Song-wol appear to have been greatly exaggerated. The former lover of Nork supremo Kim Jong-un was allegedly dragged before a firing squad along with fellow musicians on charges of "videotaping themselves having sex and selling the …
Lester Haines, 19 May 2014
Texting by TarahDawdy

Fast-fingered Filho flicks aside WinPhone-furtling fumbler after 4 months

A young Brazilian has smashed a world-texting record after accurately finger-blasting a nonsensical message at speeds hitherto unachieved by humanity. Marcel Fernandes Filho from Brazil, managed to type out a test sentence in 18.19 seconds, using a Samsung Galaxy S4 with the Fleksy keyboard application installed. To snaffle the …
Jasper Hamill, 19 May 2014
International Space Station

US space-station crisis: 'We have enough of our own problems' sighs Russian deputy PM

Quotw Google was dealt a blow this week when a US Appeals Court overturned an earlier ruling that Oracle’s Java software interfaces (APIs) are copyrighted. A jury had said Google's Android source code infringed Oracle’s Java, but that decision was moot once Judge William Alsup decided APIs are not the kinds of things you can copyright …
Colin Furze joyfully showing off his fully retractable Wolverine claws

Time-rich Brit boffin demos DIY crazytech WOLVERINE talons

Video Youtube Video Perhaps you thought the bits of cardboard you meticulously painted metallic grey and sellotaped to your hands were an awesome Wolverine costume last Halloween. If you did, you lacked the sheer naked ambition, engineering knowhow and oodles of time available to one Colin Furze, who has made his very own fully …

BuzzGasm: Cloud Internet Of Stuff As-A-Service!

Infographic! We all love stuff, and now all stuff is a service on the Cloud Internet Of Stuff As-A-Service™! To see what tomorrow's connected future holds today, click on our amazeballs infographic and prepare to have your brains explode right out of your ears! Wow!!! Our Cloud Internet Of Stuff As-A-Service Infographic! ®

Cloud computing is FAIL and here’s why

Something for the Weekend, Sir? Adobe’s spectacular FAIL over the last 48 hours confirmed, rather than revealed, cloud computing to be so unreliable as to be positively dangerous. Cloud computing is shite. It takes over everything you’ve got, then farts in your face and runs away giggling. For those readers blissfully ignorant of what us media production types …
Alistair Dabbs, 16 May 2014

Giant pop can FOUND ON MOON

Getting a man on the Moon was one of the 20th century's crowning achievements and a feat that hasn't been matched by any government, let alone a private company. But now one Japanese firm is taking a giant leap for advertising by launching the world's first privately funded lunar mission. So what sort of heroes are going to …
Jasper Hamill, 16 May 2014

Portable toilet mistaken for killer Nork drone

In March and April, something resembling an unmanned aircraft appeared over South Korean airspace and came to grief on terra firma. Whatever the unidentified flying object was, it was painted blue. North Korea denied all knowledge of the incidents. Fast-forward to last week when a chap taking in the sights of Cheonggye-Don, a …
Simon Sharwood, 15 May 2014
David Miranda and Glenn Greenwald

Anonymous: Why we're PICKETING Glenn Greenwald's book tour

Members of hacker collective Anonymous are preparing to picket journalist Glenn Greenwald's book tour – where the journo hopes to promote a tome about his reports on leaked files given to him by ex-National Security Agency sysadmin turned whistleblower Edward Snowden. The hacktivists want to disrupt the hack's book signings on …
Jasper Hamill, 14 May 2014
Computer cockroach

550 reasons to buy this book for your beloved: COCKROACHES of Oz

With Father's Day on the way any month now and just 224 days until Christmas, The Reg thinks you deserve a little personal shopping assistance. The idea of offering such help came to mind after the publication of A Guide to the Cockroaches of Australia, an AU$49.95 tome that immortalises “most of the 550 described species found …
Simon Sharwood, 14 May 2014

Stop bullying SUPER FAT GODZILLA, urge movie stars

The stars of a new Godzilla film have rallied round its big-boned monster star after cruel Japanese bullies renamed it Fatzilla. Twitter users rounded on the corpulent sea beast after publicity shots showed it had piled on a few pounds since the last films. Now the stars of the latest movie have come to the bulky beast's …
Jasper Hamill, 13 May 2014
Apple iMac

SMASH AND GRAB iThieves run car through front of Berkeley's Apple Store

A daring thief drove a car through the front of a California Apple store on Friday in what police believe was a planned robbery. Berkeley Apple Store robbery Smash and grab raid next handfuls of hardware The Berkeley 4th Street store was the scene of the crash-turned-heist early Friday morning when one or more individuals …
Shaun Nichols, 9 May 2014
ION USB turntable

Vinyl-fetish hipsters might just have a point

Hipsters. They're this decade's yuppies, but with worse facial hair. And an annoying predilection for pointless retro-technology fetishm that manifests itself in a love for vinyl records. Actually, scratch that complaint (pardon the pun). Or at least scratch it for the new 'ULTRA LP' format that Jack White, formerly of The White …

The ULTIMATE space geek accessory: Apollo 15's joystick up for sale

If you're a space geek gamer looking for the ultimate joystick, then feast your eyes on the Apollo 15 "attitude controller assembly" - the stick used by commander David R. Scott to land the Falcon lunar module on the Moon in 1971, and which goes under the hammer later this month: The Apollo 15 lunar module controller The …
Lester Haines, 8 May 2014

'Bladdered' Utah couple cuffed in church lawn sex outrage

Guests at a Salt Lake City church wedding were treated to an unexpected display of non-marital bliss on Saturday, cops said, as they reported a couple had got jiggy on the lawn outside the House of God. According to The Smoking Gun, officer Rich Stone was flagged down outside the Sacred Heart Catholic Church at about 6pm by an …
Lester Haines, 7 May 2014
A U-2 "Dragon Lady" takes off from the Osan Air Base, South Korea, flightline Oct. 21, 2009, during the base Air Power Day air show. (U.S. Air Force photo/Staff Sgt. Brian Ferguson)

Cold War spy aircraft CRASHED Los Angeles' air traffic control

The Federal Aviation Administration has claimed a major glitch that grounded dozens of flights last week was caused by a Cold War-vintage reconnaissance aircraft. It claimed that a U-2 "Dragon Lady" flew into airspace controlled by the Los Angeles Air Route Traffic Control Center in Palmdale, which uses a system called En Route …
Jasper Hamill, 6 May 2014

The amazing .uk domain: Less .co and loads more whalesong

LogoWatch If you're a Brit "at the forefront of the contemporary online landscape", then you've doubtless already eyed the .uk domain - the "short and sharp" dot thingy for "fearless, modern, digital natives", set to launch on 10 June. Make no mistake, this isn't just a cynical way of ditching the .co and charging you for the privilege, . …
Lester Haines, 6 May 2014

Evidence-based Tweets will SAVE the WORLD - and your waistline

The ¡Bong! Interview As every entrepreneur reaches mid-life, it’s natural that one’s thoughts begin to turn to one’s one’s “legacy”. Here, the Bongster has an impressive list of achievements to inspire future generations. I have made losing huge amounts of money not just respectable, but mandatory. I have redefined work as leisure. I have brought …
Steve Bong, 2 May 2014
gold ingot usb hub

Creating your GOLDEN statue of NICOLAS CAGE FINALLY possible

Lack the physical dexterity, design skills, workshop and talent necessary to make your own golden jewelry? None of that will stop you now! It's all thanks to a company which offers 3D-printing-as-a-service, Shapeways. The trinkets you design are not printed directly in gold, the process uses the traditional lost-wax casting …
Simon Rockman, 2 May 2014
Grand Theft Auto IV

Teen jailed for ARMED ROBBERY says he and pals had been inspired by Grand Theft Auto

An Australian gamer will be jailed for two years for armed robbery after using the novel defence that he and his friends had been trying to re-enact the game Grand Theft Auto while drunk. He pleaded guilty to an aggravated assault charge. Kristian Allan Coulter Scott was one of three men who held up a service station last year …
Wheat harvest

Customisation is BAD for the economy, say Oz productivity wonks

Australia's Productivity Commission is complaining that high-value, highly-customised – artesan, in fact – products are a drag on national productivity. In its latest productivity report, the nation's flint-eyed economists have decided that the best thing for the economy is for every possible product to sink into an identical …

Australians are suckers when it comes to buying tech drugs

It's not just tech giants that tag Australians as willing suckers who'll pay over-the-odds to get their hands on international products: according to the Australian Crime Commission, drug cartels are also playing the geo-pricing game. Doing a bit of pre-launch pimping of its next study into illegal drugs in Australia to the …

Selfies are so 2013. Get ready for DRONIES – the next hipster-cam-gasm

Vid It's the social phenomenon that's taking self-obsession to new heights. We're not talking about selfies, granddad, and we're not even referring to belfies. The latest self-portrait craze to grip the narcissists of the internet are called dronies – and involve using a remote-controlled aircraft to snap images. Anyone who is …
Jasper Hamill, 28 Apr 2014
Texting by TarahDawdy

Teen student texter busts 20-second tongue-twisty SMS barrier

The nimblest texting fingers on the planet belong to a 15-year-old US student named Gaurav Sharma. Youtube Video Sharma has landed a Guinness World Record for typing a 25-word text message on a touchscreen of a mobile phone by writing his message in just 18.44 seconds. That message: The razor-toothed piranhas of the genera …
Gavin Clarke, 25 Apr 2014

Teen girl arrested with 70-year-old man's four inch weapon inside her

A 19-year-old Tennessee girl cuffed earlier this week for allegedly driving with a suspended licence is in a spot more bother – after jail officers reportedly discovered a loaded .22 revolver in her vagina. Dallas Archer's police mugshot Pretty in pink: Dallas Archer's police mugshot Dallas Archer was pulled over in Kingsport …
Lester Haines, 24 Apr 2014

Pirate Bay's 10 millionth upload: Colour us shocked, a SMUT FLICK

NSFW The Pirate Bay has hit a historic milestone after celebrating its 10 millionth upload. However, the auspiciousness of the occasion was dampened slightly by the fact the content in question was a pirated copy of a smut film from the "Intimate Lesbians" series. According to torrent news website Torrentfreak, the embattled Pirate …
Jasper Hamill, 24 Apr 2014

Tooled-up Ryobi girl takes nine-inch grinder to Asus beach babe

Pic We're obliged to veteran Reg reader Chris Winpenny for nominating what he believes to be a worthy successor to Asus' famous blonde beach babe – last seen enjoying an Eee Pad Transformer Prime before the sun set on her PC-punting career: Asus Eee Pad Transformer Prime and friend The original Asus beach babe Enter Ryobi grinder …
Lester Haines, 23 Apr 2014

Japanese boffin EYES up big bucks with strap-on digi-glasses

Vid A Japanese boffin has unveiled a novel way of catching some kip at work without your colleagues finding out – a pair of OLED “glasses” designed to act as digital eyes. The bizarre invention, dubbed AgencyGlass, was invented by Tsukuba university researcher Hirotaka Osawa. It features two small OLED screens fixed to a spectacles …
Phil Muncaster, 23 Apr 2014
Bitcoins

Dorian Nakamoto gets $23,000 payout over Bitcoin invention saga

The California man who says he was mistakenly identified as the inventor of Bitcoin is accepting a $23,000 gift from backers of the cryptocurrency. Dorian Satoshi Nakamoto said that he will be joining the ranks of Bitcoin users after receiving a wallet of 47.925 bitcoins (valued at roughly $23,300) from members of the community …
Shaun Nichols, 23 Apr 2014