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Silicon Valley’s top exorcist rushed off his feet as Demons infest California

A Catholic priest has said virtually all his free time is taken up with exorcisms these days as he struggles to counter the tide of demonic possession washing up Silicon Valley and the rest of Northern California. Father Gary Thomas, together with fellow exorcist Father Vincent Lampert, has been profiled in a lengthy piece in …
Joe Fay, 26 Sep 2016
shutterstock_206717503

Ever longed to be naked in Paris? City council votes TODAY

French nationals, tourists - in fact anyone and everyone - may soon be able to get their kit off and walk through Paris - well, a designated area - without fear of a hefty fine. The Green Party for the capital of love will today propose at a city council meeting that a nudist park be created, though the exact location has yet …
Paul Kunert, 26 Sep 2016

Brexit at the next junction: Verity's guide to key post-vote skills

STOB Pay attention, campers. I have conducted an impartial analysis of the post-Brexit landscape and identified a list of concrete, must-have programming skills for your edification. Impartial? That's pretty rich, coming from you, Verity, considering what I have heard about your activities since Referendum Night. I don't know what …
Verity Stob, 26 Sep 2016
A donkey

The law is an ass: Mooning banned at arse end of the world

Buttnote Public service announcement: if you're going on a bender in the Australian city of Melbourne, do not indulge in the practice of “mooning”, because you could end up with your arse in jail (and the rest of you). The Victorian state government either believes people aren't deterred [Ed: bad pun, don't try it again] put off by …
Starship robot

R2D2 delivery robots to scurry through the streets of San Francisco

An Estonian robotics company is trialling six-wheeled delivery robots that can trundle through San Francisco delivering goods to the local population. The robots are built by Starship Technologies, a company founded in 2014 by Skype cofounders Janus Friis and Ahti Heinla, and can trundle along at 6kph (3.7mph) delivering goods …
Iain Thomson, 25 Sep 2016

Days are numbered for the Czech Republic

The British government will start referring to Czechia rather than the Czech Republic, following advice from an official committee. The Permanent Committee on Geographical Names “establishes and applies the principles by which foreign geographical names (toponyms) should be written”. It is now advising use of Czechia in place …
John Oates, 24 Sep 2016
Man holds white flag while sitting alongside empty beer bottles next to a toilet bowl. Pic by Shutterstock

Shopkeeper installs forecourt khazi to counter mystery Dublin dung dumper

A desperate Dublin shopkeeper has placed a toilet and a pile of his very competitvely priced bog roll on the pavement outside his shop after a series of visits from a loose boweled night owl. Alan Buckley was forced to install the curb-side crapper outside his Clever Buys outlet in Finglas, because “someone keeps coming up and …
Clodagh Doyle, 23 Sep 2016
Top gear team photo by MediaPictures pl via Shutterstock

Jeremy Clarkson and Co. rise to top for Great British Bake Off replacements

Two weeks after Channel 4’s £75m grab of Great British Bake Off from the BBC, the broadcaster has a big marquee but no filling. Mary Berry has joined puckish Sue Perkins and Mel Giedroyc in electing to stay with the BBC, meaning three quarters of GBBO’s presenting line up evaporated. It was Berry who mitigated the unvarnished …
Gavin Clarke, 23 Sep 2016
A man chasing a plane

Moron is late for flight, calls in bomb threat

A Canadian idiot has been sentenced to a year behind bars after he was found guilty of calling in a bomb threat because he was running late for his flight. Michael Howells, 37, pleaded guilty to two counts of criminal mischief and received 12 months in jail along with a fine of CA$3,844.88 (US$3,000, £2,200). Howells was …
Shaun Nichols, 23 Sep 2016
Privacy image

Here's how to see Tim Cook or SatNad strut their starkers stuff

NSFW Ever wanted to see Apple CEO Tim Cook shaking his naked tush, or Satya Nadella bare a lot more flesh than he does at Microsoft conferences? Your wait is over, thanks to a nasty application of facial recognition software. Megacams.me has a new feature on its live cam sex site that allows people weirdoes to upload pics of …
Paul Kunert, 22 Sep 2016
Soaring costs in San Fran. from www.shutterstock.com

Behold the fruit of your techie utopia: A $43 San Francisco fog-infused martini

With the cost of living in San Francisco soaring higher than ever, some people are stepping forward to find innovative solutions to create affordable housing and assistance programs that would preserve the diversity, culture, and giving spirit that has made San Francisco a world-class city. And then there are the assholes who …
Shaun Nichols, 22 Sep 2016
Man holds banana like a gun. Photo by Shutterstock

Lethal 4-hour-erection-causing spiders spill out of bunch of ASDA bananas

Yet another British family has been forced to flee its habitat after an infestation of Brazilian wandering spiders smuggled itself into their nest on the back of a bunch of supermarket bananas. The Brazilian wandering spider's bite is so venomous it can leave males of many species with a painful four-hour long erection before …

We live in a world where a 'Hamdog' burger hybrid is patented

Rejoice! The eternal dilemma of whether to have a hot dog or a burger has now been answered. At last barbecue lovers can unshackle themselves from the tyranny of which under-cooked meat product to consume and have both, together, at once. Yes the problem that never needed solving has been solved. In what might be considered …
Kat Hall, 21 Sep 2016
The Year of Living Danishly

Apple iPhone 7 launch hysteria? Not in Viking land

The traditional hoopla around the latest iPhone upgrade seemed to go off as planned last week with queues of apparently sane people waiting outside Apple stores around the world. UK queues were well down on recent years, partly due to restrictions which meant only pre-ordered phones were available to collect. Orchestrated …
John Oates, 20 Sep 2016
Chicken eggs, photo via Shutterstock

Naked, drunken Swede assaults chicken shed after 60th birthday

A Malmo man is facing paying thousands of kronor in damages after attending a friend’s 60th birthday party and ending up crawling naked and bleeding from an elderly woman’s hen house. The elderly poultry rearer in Ikea hometown Älmhult assumed her prize layers were under attack from a marauding fox after a series of noises …
Joe Fay, 20 Sep 2016
Apple's hopefully-patented bag

Apple seeks patent for paper bag - you read that right, a paper bag

Apple is trying to patent a paper bag. Patent application US 20160264304 A1* describes “a bag container formed of white solid bleached sulfate paper with at least 60% post-consumer content.” The application says Apple's sacred sack is “a bag, such as a retail shopping bag … may be formed entirely of paper, with the potential …
Simon Sharwood, 20 Sep 2016
robot

ROBO-PLOD! 'Droid snatches scumbag's shotgun in standoff

A stealthy robot run by a Los Angeles SWAT team has successfully disarmed a murder suspect by sneaking up behind him and stealing his weapon. Ray B Bunge, 52, of Lancaster, California, was on the run from the police after charges of attempted murder, criminal threats, assault with a deadly weapon, robbery and felony vandalism …
Iain Thomson, 20 Sep 2016
aa_glass_648

Italian scientists use fluorescent box to arouse sexually indifferent men

Chaps of a certain age who find their libido fading could do worse than stare at a glaring light source – though not the sort you might be thinking of. Scientists at the University of Siena have found the sort of lightbox used to treat sufferers of seasonal affective disorder enjoyed a boost in sexual satisfaction compared to …
Clodagh Doyle, 19 Sep 2016
Steve Ballmer shouts MADEIRA CAKE! (Madeira cake sourced from Shutterstock_)

Great British Great Bake Off gets new judge

Poll Long weekends cooped up in a cramped sweaty workplace, grappling with unstable materials, your work critiqued by an harsh and judgemental boss. No - not your job hacking PHP or flogging some piece of dead tin in the data centre but the life of the average contestant on the Great British Bake Off. Most of your colleagues …
Gavin Clarke, 15 Sep 2016

Gimps with big Dell balls hijack HPE's partner shindig

Dell Technologies chose a bizarre, seemingly cheap way to hijack Hewlett Packard Enterprises Global Partner Conference this morning that involved gimps with big balls. The troupe, unnervingly dressed head to toe in black tights, held aloft balls - or balloons if you prefer - that either carried the Dell and EMC brand or claims …
Paul Kunert, 14 Sep 2016

The next Bond – Basildon or Bass-Ass? YOU decide

With Hollywood types scratching their heads over who'll be the next James Bond, El Reg called on our finest asset - the beloved readers - to propose a successor to Daniel Craig, and you didn’t disappoint. The proposals ranged from the sublime to the ridiculous - anyone would think this wasn’t a serious exercise. And as …
Paul Kunert, 12 Sep 2016
Jeff Williams Photo credit: NASA tv. Julian Assange photo credit: Cropped pic by Espen Moe licensed under CC2.0

Assange returns to Earth

Questions are being asked why no one has ever seen pallid, 11*-fingered WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange and NASA ‘naut Jeff Williams in the same room at the same time, after sharp-eyed observers noted the pair's startling physical resemblance. Jeff Williams Photo credit: NASA tv. Julian Assange photo credit: Cropped pic by …
Paul Kunert, 9 Sep 2016
Cats eating a burrito and a taco

Google hover-drones to drop burritos on campus

It sounds like the plot of a half-baked stoner movie screenplay, but it's actually happening: Google boss company Alphabet and Mexican food chain Chipotle have become the flying burrito brothers under a delivery-by-drone plan that will first target the Virginia Polytechnic Institute and State University (Virginia Tech). …

Public masturbation not a crime declares Italy’s top court

A 61-year-old Italian convicted of public masturbation has had the threat of hard time lifted, after judges declared the dirty old goat’s favoured pastime isn’t actually a crime in the country. The case arose after sexagenarian Pietro L was nabbed “pulling his member” and practising “autoeroticism” in front of female students …
Clodagh Doyle, 8 Sep 2016

A nice long pub crawl is good for your health, if you stay on your feet

It's probably just as well as the walk to the fifth pub takes a lot longer than the first four, because according to a four-country collaboration of sports boffins, exercise helps offset ethanol. Succinctly: it seems 150 minutes of moderate exercise a week, say on a Friday night when you're hunting down the post-pub nosh, …
An Air Asia Airbus A330. Pic: Mingman/Shutterstock

Typo made Air Asia X flight land at Melbourne instead of Malaysia

Finger trouble with onboard navigation systems led to an Air Asia flight making a two-hour internal hop in Australia before its scheduled journey to Malaysia. An investigation report by the Australian Transportation Safety Bureau (ATSB) into the March flight disclosed the cockup, which it said was down to the A330's captain “ …
Statler and Waldorf - copyright - The Walt Disney company - the muppets studio

Sex is bad for older men, and even worse when it's good

Men of a certain age who enjoy frequent sex are putting themselves at higher risk of heart attacks and other cardiovascular problems, US researchers have warned. And just to rub salt in the wounds, older ladies who still enjoy a bit of the other reap positive benefits from frequent nookie. The frankly depressing revelation …
Clodagh Doyle, 6 Sep 2016

Hollywood offers Daniel Craig $150m to (slash wrists) play James Bond

Actor Daniel Craig has reportedly been offered a cool $150m to play James Bond for another two films, such is the uncertainty surrounding the suitability of his potential replacements. Craig famously said he’d rather "slash his wrists" than again portray the suavest agent on acetate, but the financial lure and a promise to …
Paul Kunert, 5 Sep 2016

Chubby Chinese students refused top bunk

The great war against the big-bellied is well under way in China, with certain uni students at a hall of residence told to bed down in the bottom bunks to avoid potential damage caused by falling fatties. Young scholars at the Hohai University, Changzhou campus in Jiangsu Province with a Body Mass Index of 28 or above or who …
Paul Kunert, 5 Sep 2016

It's OK to fine someone for repeating a historical fact, says Russian Supreme Court

The Russian Supreme Court has upheld a conviction against a blogger who correctly noted that the Soviet Union jointly invaded Poland with the Nazi government in 1939. The truly bizarre decision follows the conviction of 37-year-old Vladimir Luzgin earlier this year for posting "knowingly false information," under a new law …
HMS Forth being lowered into the Clyde. Pic: BAE Systems

Newest Royal Navy warship weighs as much as 120 London buses

The Royal Navy's newest offshore patrol vessel, HMS Forth, is now fitting out in Glasgow – and we're told she weighs as much as 120 London buses. Forth, the first of the RN's Batch 2 River-class patrol ships, was launched in mid-August after being loaded onto a 160-wheel remote control trolley. She was then driven at a …
Gareth Corfield, 31 Aug 2016
White House drone

Height of stupidity: Heathrow airliner buzzed by drone at 7,000ft

An airliner circling Heathrow narrowly missed colliding with a drone flying at 7,000 feet – while another aircraft approaching the London airport saw a drone hurtle past just 30 feet from its cockpit. The first near miss took place in mid-May when an Airbus A319 pilot flying to Heathrow saw a one metre-long drone, painted …
Gareth Corfield, 30 Aug 2016
Eye of Sauron with Mount Doom in the background. Still from the film version of JRR Tolkien's Lord of the Rings. Copyright New Line Cinema

Phoney bling ring pinged by Tolkien's kin

A Melbourne man has to hand over his entire stock of “The One Ring” knock-offs to the Tolkien Estate, after losing a copyright case. The Federal Court in Melbourne earlier this month awarded a summary judgement against one Alexander Saltalamacchia over a line of rings he sold on his own Website and on eBay Australia. …

Robot babies fail in role as teenage sex deterrents

Robot babies have been found to be an ineffective educational tool for those hoping to prevent teenaged pregnancies. “Infant simulators”, to give the robo-babies their proper name, are anatomically correct dolls that require burping, feeding, rocking to sleep and produce Code Brown and Code Yellow alerts in their pants. The …
Simon Sharwood, 26 Aug 2016
Wedding ring

What wedding cake would an engineer make? A LEGO one

Romance isn’t dead. Just ask a Reg-reading engineer who made his own wedding cake... from Lego. Dan M approached his nuptials with sweetheart Rach in the way you’d expect any hard-nosed kick-ass uber-genius to. “When I proposed to my (now wife) in January she started to plan everything in detail, asking for my opinion about …
Paul Kunert, 25 Aug 2016

Pizza delivery by drone 'trialled' in New Zealand

Multinational pizza megacorp Domino's claims it is trialling pizza delivery drones in New Zealand. In partnership with quadcopter delivery business Flirtey, Domino's demonstrated the service in Auckland today, in complete compliance with New Zealand's civil aviation regulation. The publicity stunt managed to attract the …
Three cows image via Shutterstock

The Internet of Cows is moo-ving fast … no bull!

If you worry the Internet of Things is bollocks and that the industry's just milking an old idea, think again: research outfit Arcluster has declared that the “Connected Cow and Farm” market will become a US$10.75 billion concern in 2021, a rather nice jump from today's $1.27 billion. Byte-blowing bovines are going to drive …
Simon Sharwood, 25 Aug 2016
Fish hook in a clear light blue tropical ocean. Photo by Shutterstock

Angler hooks German's todger at nudist lake

A plucky German nudist out for a swim at a local lake was left in agony after an angler hooked his worm. Herbert Fendt - an alias the embarrassed man adopted to spare his family's blushes - was taking a dip in the Kaisersee, near Augsburg in south-eastern Germany, when the tackle-on-tackle action occurred. Initially the man …
Paul Kunert, 24 Aug 2016

Corbyn lied, Virgin Trains lied, Harambe died

Video So, Jeremy Corbyn recorded a message in which he was sitting on the floor of a train traveling between London and Newcastle, claiming it was "ram-packed" (as exampled by his floor sitting) and that was why all of the trains needed to be renationalised. While on the floor in a video for The Guardian's website, Jez said: "This …
Bing Melbourne Mistake

Microsoft's maps lost Melbourne because it used bad Wikipedia data

Microsoft has laid part of the blame for Bing Maps' mis-location of the Australian city of Melbourne by a whole hemisphere on Wikipedia. Yes, Wikipedia, “the free encyclopaedia that anyone can edit.” Microsoft made its admission after your correspondent took to Twitter on Monday to do what we in publishing call “pimping" the …
Simon Sharwood, 23 Aug 2016
Bing Melbourne Mistake

Microsoft can't tell North from South on Bing Maps

Microsoft has misplaced Melbourne, the four-million-inhabitant capital of the Australian State of Victoria. A search on Bing Maps for “Melbourne, Victoria, Australia” says the city is at 37.813610, 144.963100 which we've screen-captured above (or here for those reading our mobile site). The co-ordinates are right save for one …
Simon Sharwood, 21 Aug 2016
Satan in Hell from South Park

CERN staff conduct 'human sacrifice' at supercollider site

MILDLY NSFW Staff at the European Organization for Nuclear Research (CERN) spend their days trying to prise open the secrets of other dimensions … including by staging occult rituals. So says Agence France Presse (AFP) which became aware of this NSFW YouTube vid in which a ritual staged at CERN's Geneva campus is depicted. The “ritual” …
Simon Sharwood, 18 Aug 2016