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China tackles vital strippers-at-funeral problem

The Chinese Ministry of Culture has announced that the government will begin working with the police to clamp down on families hiring strippers for funerals in order to increase in size (dare we say 'arouse') mourner attendance figures. In a statement on Thursday, the ministry stiffs said they would be paying close attention to …
clawfoot_bath_cropped

Love-rat fanboi left bobbing for Apples in tiny Japanese bath

A Japanese love-rat's misdeeds have left him, and his iGizmos, in hot water. His scorned lover seems to have taken issue with his flirting with another woman and suffered a bit of a kernel panic, attacking her fanboi where it would hurt most – his beloved collection of overpriced blahware – before compounding his humiliation by …

Stateside security screeners sacked for squeezing 'sexy' sacks

Two security strokers screeners at Denver airport got the boot after investigators were tipped off about gratuitous groin groping of certain male travellers, a police report reveals. The Office of Inspection of the Transportation Security Administration (TSA) were informed of the pair’s pervy prowess and did a little probing of …
Paul Kunert, 16 Apr 2015

Bloke hits armadillo AND mother-in-law with single 9mm round

A Georgia man who took a 9mm pistol to an armadillo also managed to pop a cap in his wife's mum after the round ricocheted off the animal, "hit a fence, went through the back door of his mother-in-law's mobile home, through a recliner she was sitting in, and into her back". According to cops, 54-year-old Larry McElroy pulled off …
Lester Haines, 14 Apr 2015
Brando wooden cross Flash drive

Aussie priest BLESSES an APP – and the sacred iPad it runs on

The Catholic Archdiocese of Adelaide has claimed a world first by blessing an app and the iPad it runs on. The app is no mere piece of code, but instead serves as a heavenly guide to the life of St Mary of the Cross MacKillop, Australia's first saint. The app guides users along a righteous path through Adelaide, retracing the …
Simon Sharwood, 14 Apr 2015

National Grid's new designer pylon is 'too white and boring' – Pylon Appreciation Society

The UK's National Grid has planted the first of its new "T-pylons" — an elegant alternative to the traditional steel lattice monsters currently straddling Blighty's green and pleasant land. The T-pylon was born from a 2011 competition won by Danish architects Bystrup, who came up with a 35 meter-high monopole base design, …

Google wants Marvin the Paranoid Android's personality in the cloud

Someone at the Chocolate Factory doesn't realise that Douglas Adams wrote satire, and has patented replaceable robot personalities. In US Patent 8,996,429, filed in 2012 and published on March 31, Google's Anthony Francis and Thor Lewis propose a robot that “may be configured to tailor a personality for interaction with the user …
Disney's Beagle Boys

Idiot thieves walk free after stolen iPad uploads pics of them with loot

Vid A pair of thieving dolts – caught after selfies taken on a stolen iPad were automatically uploaded to the owner's iCloud account – have been spared jail after pleading guilty to felony charges of theft. Dorian Walker-Gaines, 20, and Dillian Thompson, 22, each pleaded guilty to stealing cash and consumer electronics from the …

Astronomers battle plague of BLADE-WIELDING ROBOTS

Updated Radio astronomers have moved to block the roll-out of an army of robotic lawnmowers in a submission to the US Federal Communications Commission (FCC). The boffins claim that iRobot's deployment of the machines will interfere with their federally-funded radio astronomy. iRobot, well known for the Roomba robot vacuum cleaner but …

US law enforcement rushes to assist bumbling Canuck pirates

Crewmates of a replica Canadian pirate ship were rescued last week by US coast guards after the vessel’s engine shut off. Coast guards rescued nine pirates from the Canadian tall ship Liana's Ransom after receiving notification that the vessel's engines were disabled and its sails were wrapped around the mast. As the weather …
Kat Hall, 7 Apr 2015

V&A Museum shows Guardian's destroyed MacBook as ART

The remains of computer hardware which had contained the Guardian's London trove of Snowden documents – and which was destroyed on the rather spiteful demands of GCHQ personnel – have gone on display at the Victoria and Albert (V&A) Museum. While the frankly unremarkable remnants of a MacBook Air are uninteresting in and of …
Booth babe banhammer

Bye bye, booth babes. IT security catwalk RSA nixes sexy outfits

The organizers of this year's RSA security conference have made at least one thing clear to exhibitors: no booth babes. The industry shindig has sent out a new dress code banning scantily clad models, regardless of gender, from wandering the show floor. The rules dictate that exhibitors cannot wear shorts, tank tops and halter …
Shaun Nichols, 26 Mar 2015

Blockhead fugitive Snapchats himself into police custody

The Somerset County Sheriff's Office in Maine cuffed burglary suspect Christopher Wallace this Sunday, following an extraordinary burst of Snapchat buffoonery from the 24-year-old. Several weeks ago the police department made it known that they were seeking Wallace in connection with a burglary. They had been unable to locate …
DJI Phantom 2 Drone

Drug drone not high enough: Brit lags' copter snared on prison wire

The first recorded attempt to smuggle drugs into a British prison using a drone has ended in failure – after the gear-bearing gizmo got tangled in razor wire. "We were called to reports that a small drone had been discovered alongside a package in netting above a perimeter wall at HMP Bedford at 11.30pm on March 6," a …
Iain Thomson, 23 Mar 2015

Layla enjoys a Sanskrit makeover: Clapton set to become one of several Gods

Indian musician Krish Ashok is pleasing ears worldwide with a Sanskrit version of Eric Clapton's classic Layla, dubbed लीला, or "Leela". However, while the track is an agreeable homage to the original, its linguistic reach is limited. According to the ever-reliable Wikipedia, while Sanskrit is a recognised language in India, …
Lester Haines, 23 Mar 2015

Woman caught on CCTV performing drunken BJ blew right to privacy

Ofcom has rejected a claim that Channel 4 infringed the privacy of a pregnant Southampton woman by broadcasting CCTV footage of her administering drunken oral pleasure to a chap in a tower block lift. "Ms K" lodged a complaint of "unwarranted infringement of privacy" to the TV watchdog regarding the 9 June 2014 episode of CCTV: …
Lester Haines, 20 Mar 2015
Sir Paul McCartney. Pic: kubacheck, Flickr

You – yes, YOU – can now 3D print your very own Paul McCartney

3D model of Sir Paul McCartney 3D model ... Sir Macca Sir Paul McCartney has made himself available to download and print as a 3D figure. You read that correctly. The Beatles legend was given a body scan as part of the Hope For The Future single he released last year. The video and song, created for the game Destiny, could …

Watchdog slaps American Apparel's youthful naked arse

The UK's Advertising Standards Authority has ordered US clothing outfit American Apparel to pull a snap from its website which featured a prominent pair of youthful buttocks promoting the "Lips Print Cotton Spandex Sleeveless Thong Bodysuit". A cropped version of the offending image The watchdog received a single complaint …
Lester Haines, 18 Mar 2015
The reverse cowgirl

Watching porn makes men BETTER in bed, say trick-cyclists

It's widely believed that watching more porn tends to be a bad thing for a man's performance in real-world boudoir athletics: but a new study by trick-cyclists in Montreal suggests that in fact the reverse may be true. The study involved 280 Montreal men, who were asked how much porn they viewed in a week (with some apparently …
Lewis Page, 18 Mar 2015

Bride legs it from wedding after groom proves unable to add up

An Indian bride left her wedding ceremony after her gormless fiance failed to answer a simple maths question, it's being reported. Local police were called in to mediate the returning of gifts, including jewellery, which had been exchanged dowry-fashion between the families before the wedding. During the ceremony in Rasulabad, …
Terry Pratchett

Sir Terry remembered: Dickens' fire, Tolkien's imagination, and the wit of Wodehouse

Obit Sir Terry Pratchett has left us at the age of 66, but he has gifted the next generation a massive archive of fiction and non-fiction that will delight, amuse and inform readers for years to come. It's a sad day at the El Reg offices, many of us were devoted fans. He was born on April 28, 1948, and wrote fiction as a teen. At 17 …
Iain Thomson, 12 Mar 2015
Sir Terry Pratchett

RIP Sir Terry Pratchett: Discworld author finally gets to meet DEATH

Sir Terry Pratchett, author of more than 70 books including the hugely popular Discworld series, has died at his home in the company of his family and cat. He was 66. Terry took Death’s arm and followed him through the doors and on to the black desert under the endless night. — Rhianna Pratchett (@rhipratchett) March 12, 2015 …
Iain Thomson, 12 Mar 2015
Hello Barbie

Mattel urged to scrap Wi-Fi mic Barbie after Register investigation

Privacy activists are urging Mattel to axe its Hello Barbie doll, which sends recordings of children's voices across the internet for voice-recognition analysis. The improbably proportioned doll is fitted with a small embedded computer, a microphone, a speaker and a Wi-Fi interface. When the toy's belt buckle is pressed, Barbie …
Iain Thomson, 12 Mar 2015

'Roly poly' soft, wobbly robot BANGS EXPLOSIVELY, leaps 0.5m in air

Boffins at the Institute for Chemical and Bioengineering at Zurich have developed an “untethered, jumping, roly-poly” soft robot powered by explosive gases. Soft Robotics is a field of bio-inspired robotics which derives its inspiration from animals such as starfish, worms, squid and octopuses. Avoiding the use of hard …

'Hi, I'm from Microsoft and I am GOING TO KILL YOU'

Apparently, the growing hobby of tagging along with “Microsoft tech support” scam calls to waste their time is starting to bug the scammers, with a Canadian man reportedly threatened by a caller from India. The Canadian Broadcasting Corporation (CBC) says Jakob Dulisse of Nelson in British Columbia played along with the caller …

Storm in a K-Cup: My SHAME over the eco-monster I created, says coffee pod inventor

The inventor of the increasingly popular – and apparently environmentally unfriendly – coffee pod feels guilty about his invention. John Sylvan came up with the idea of the Keurig coffee machines back in the 1990s, complete with its little self-contained coffee pods, K-Cups, that you stick in the machine to brew a mug. He sold …

£280k Kickstarter camera trigger campaign crashes and burns

Backers of a Kickstarter campaign which raised a whopping £290k for the development of the Triggertrap Ada modular camera trigger have been left furious and seriously out of pocket after the company behind the product announced it couldn't deliver and would refund just 20 per cent of punters' cash. The Triggertrap Ada …
Lester Haines, 4 Mar 2015

Reg exec in deluxe roo-skin pen case beernami trauma

We're shaken to report that El Reg big cheese Linus "Fish Fingers"* Birtles yesterday suffered a traumatic beernami which left the contents of his executive leather case "totally f@@k€d". Linus's leather bag after the beernami Speaking to our Bootnotes department while recuperating with a very large brandy at the bar of a …
Lester Haines, 4 Mar 2015

Atomic keyring's eerie blue glow lights SPB lab

The news last week that El Reg merchandising tentacle Cash'n'Carrion had sourced new tritium-powered glowrings prompted some atomic-powered nostalgia from those readers who'd bought the original Traser. Way back in 2002, we laid our hands on a big batch of these novelty keyrings, and promptly shifted thousands of them. No …
Lester Haines, 3 Mar 2015

Tulsa woman bludgeons man mercilessly with laptop

This is not a good way to come out of deep sleep. A US man was awoken from his drunken stupor by the pain of his girlfriend sinking her fangs into his gentleman’s sausage and bludgeoning him with her laptop. The incident took place in Tulsa, Oklahoma on 19 February, following a boozy session and subsequent argument between Amber …
Paul Kunert, 2 Mar 2015

Google pulls out of gaping Blogger smut black hole

Google has backed down on its frigid threat to tug filthy porno pics and raunchy grumble vids off Blogger. The ad giant on Thursday said it will continue to allow randy netizens to post amateur smut, reversing an earlier decision forbidding X-rated blog posts unless they were deemed arty and acceptable to Mountain View's censors …
Shaun Nichols, 27 Feb 2015
Leonard Nemoy

RIP Leonard Nimoy: He lived long and prospered

Obit Leonard Nimoy, the actor who became the most recognized face of the Star Trek franchise, has died at his home in Los Angeles at the age of 83. A life is like a garden. Perfect moments can be had, but not preserved, except in memory. LLAP — Leonard Nimoy (@TheRealNimoy) February 23, 2015 Nimoy was born on March 26, 1931 in …
Iain Thomson, 27 Feb 2015

Must-have sports tech: No, not an Apple Watch, a TOMATO GOB-STUFF BOT

Vid Many inspirations and desires cross a runner's mind while pounding the pavement, but few could honestly say a robot sat on their shoulders force-feeding them tomatoes has ever been one. Thankfully Japanese tomato condiment company Kagome has identified a need consumers never realised they had. Kagome unveiled its 18lb …
Kat Hall, 23 Feb 2015

Chinese food safety officials drank so much during working lunch that one of them DIED

A bunch of Chinese government officials in charge of food safety drank so much at a working lunch that one of them died. In an extreme example of when booze-ups go bad, seven bods working for the food and drug administration in central China’s Hubei province have been penalised after a colleague they accompanied on a hardcore …
Team Register, 17 Feb 2015
Thermal imaging in a microwave

Ex-NASA boffin dreams of PREDATOR-ish tech in humble microwaves

A former engineer on the Curiosity Mars rover team has come up with a bright idea to improve the aging microwave cooker: thermal imaging, inspired by the Predator franchise, to check when food is done. Youtube Video “The microwave has pretty much remained unchanged since it’s inception in 1967,” said Mark Rober in a vid …
Iain Thomson, 13 Feb 2015
Warwick Hospital accident and emergency

KUSHINIKIZA! Google Translate SAVES BABY in Irish roadside birth

Quick-thinking Irish paramedics turned to Google Translate to communicate with a pregnant woman who spoke Swahili, allowing her to safely give birth. The Cork ambulance drivers were transporting a pregnant Congolese woman to a maternity hospital last week when she went into labour. Gerry McCann and Shane Mulcahy were forced to …
John Leyden, 13 Feb 2015

UN negotiations menaced by THOUSANDS of TOPLESS LADIES with MAYONNAISE

Sensitive international negotiations on arms control taking place in Geneva could be menaced by mobs of screaming, topless women throwing mayonnaise, according to one of the delegates. Mr Ivan Grinevich, representing the nation of Belarus, made the remarks on Tuesday during a meeting of the United Nations Conference on …
Lewis Page, 13 Feb 2015
Google Stink-o-tron

STINKY nerds: Sick of horrifying chums with your terrible BO? Nosey Google wants to help

Pic Google has been granted a patent on a device to detect when a person stinks – to help them evade others to avoid embarrassment. We would like to say that this is a loose interpretation of a more complicated patent, but that really is all there is to it: the web ad giant wants to tell when you flat out reek and how you can dodge …
Shaun Nichols, 13 Feb 2015

Reg hacks (and rest of 'Frisco) in LinkedIn measles contagion scare

LinkedIn has been linked to a measles scare in the San Francisco Bay Area. An employee of the network-for-suits has come down with the (preventable) disease, and could have exposed thousands riding on the city's subway system. Officials at the Bay Area Rapid Transit (BART) service have confirmed that a passenger riding the …
Shaun Nichols, 13 Feb 2015

Watch: China has made an internet censorship THEME SONG

Video Creating patriotic songs is an age-old solution to difficult problems, albeit one that is out of fashion in the Western world. Not so in China, which has just released a tremendous rousing tribute to its clean, clear and incorruptible internet. The song is performed by the Cyberspace Administration of China choral group, …
Kieren McCarthy, 12 Feb 2015

Lashed Saudi blogger Raif: Prince Charles has word with new king

The UK's Prince Charles has raised the issue of the fate of Saudi blogger Raif Badawi with Saudi Arabia's newly appointed King Salman during a six-day state visit to the region. Badawi was found guilty in 2013 of insulting Islam in Facebook posts and of running an online activist message board called Liberal Saudi Network that …
Iain Thomson, 12 Feb 2015
Taylor Swift

You'll NEVER guess who has bought I Taught Taylor Swift How To Give Head dot-com

In one of the most unlikely but intriguing domain registrations in recent years, pop star Taylor Swift has, it appears, registered ITaughtTaylorSwiftHowToGiveHead.com. No, really. The registration was sparked by Swift's lawyers threatening the owner of ITaughtTaylorSwift.com, run by, um, the man who taught Taylor Swift how to …
Kieren McCarthy, 11 Feb 2015