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Nick Hancock and his survival podule atop Rockall. Pic: Nick Hancock

Plucky Rockall adventurer prepares to leave islet

Brit adventurer Nick Hancock is preparing to leave the North Atlantic islet of Rockall, short of his planned 60-day stay but probably after he breaks the two existing occupation records. Nick Hancock and his survival podule atop Rockall. Pic: Nick Hancock Not long now: Nick Hancock and his survival podule atop Rockall Hancock …
Lester Haines, 11 Jul 2014

'Apple is TERRIFIED of women’s bodies and women’s pleasure' – fresh tech sex storm

NSFW Apple is weathering a sexism storm after its website apparently refused to engrave a raunchy poem on a newly ordered iPhone. Enraged that the California giant allowed penis, dick and similar words to be engraved on mobes – but, crucially, not clit – men and women in favour of equal opportunities have given Apple boss Tim Cook a …
Jasper Hamill, 11 Jul 2014

El Reg nips down IKEA's 'I've Got A Screw Loose Street'

Pics We're delighted to report that the Valladolid tentacle of flatpack world superpower IKEA does indeed lie on "I've Got A Screw Loose Street", and we've got the photos to prove it. Back in 2011, as construction of the 34,700m2 particle board megarepository was under way on virgin ground in Arroyo de la Encomienda, on the outskirts …
Lester Haines, 11 Jul 2014

Elon Musk to fund Tesla museum with 'ONE MEEELLION DOLLARS'

Electric-car mogul Elon Musk has agreed to help fund a museum dedicated to the late scientist Nikola Tesla, to the tune of $1m. Musk, who named his car company after Tesla, reportedly agreed to help support the museum after a phone conversation with web cartoonist Matthew Inman, creator of The Oatmeal. Popular geek Inman has …
Neil McAllister, 10 Jul 2014

Ham-fisted farmer fear: A peanut-butter-and-iPhone sandwich

Japanese farmers are claiming some shipments of grain from the USA include smartphones. The phones' presence isn't an Internet of Things play. Nor is it a new food craze. Instead, as reported by Japanese news outlet Mainichi, (through the Associated Press), it appears that US farmers are dropping their phones while they work in …
Simon Sharwood, 10 Jul 2014

Call girl injected Google exec with heroin, drank wine, left him to die – cops claim

A woman described as a high-priced escort by cops has been charged with the manslaughter of a Google executive found dead in his yacht after a heroin overdose. Alix Catherine Tichelman Mug shot ... Alix Catherine Tichelman Alix Catherine Tichelman, 26, was arrested in a sting operation on July 4 in connection with the death …
Iain Thomson, 10 Jul 2014
SOURCE:  http://www.sxc.hu/browse.phtml?f=view&id=1412135

Down-with-the-kidz Apple stuffs up with wild 'funness' claims

Apple appears to have made a shocking admission: that one of its endlessly upgraded product lines is boring. On its website, Apple said its new iPod Touch was "engineered for funness", a sarcastic term used by the yoof – generally as an adjective and/or an abstract noun... A Reg reader pointed out the fruity faux pas and …
Jasper Hamill, 9 Jul 2014

Dubai to get HUGE climate-controlled DOMED CITY and giga-mall

The ruler of Dubai has announced that the Gulf state is soon to build the world's first climate-controlled city, which will feature the largest area yet contained under a single transparent dome. The project is referred to by its organisers as "Mall of the World", and is intended to produce an city which can be traversed …
Lewis Page, 8 Jul 2014

It's finally happened: Bloke builds BOFH-style goofing-off cattle prod

Maneesh Sethi, a developer and blogger who rose to fame after hiring a woman to slap him whenever he wasted time on Facebook, has unveiled a wearable device designed to administer electric shocks to users. The “Pavlok”, as the device is named, “uses instantaneous triggers, like vibration, beeping, and even electric shock (up to …
Nick Hancock and his survival podule atop Rockall. Pic: Nick Hancock

Storm-battered Rockall adventurer recalls 'worst experience of my life'

Brit adventurer Nick Hancock has admitted he's "never been so scared", after enduring a storm last week that blew a good part of his food supplies off the North Atlantic islet of Rockall. Hancock landed on the granite outcrop on 5 June, hoping to spend 60 days in a survival podule, in the process breaking the occupancy record of …
Lester Haines, 7 Jul 2014

Google spares founders from TERMINATORS, but not Eric Schmidt

A chap named yueq over at Y Combinator has spotted evidence that Google has decided founders Larry Page and Sergey Brin need protection from Terminators. Proof comes in the form of Google's killer-robots.txt page, which reads as follows: User-Agent: T-1000 User-Agent: T-800 Disallow: /+LarryPage Disallow: /+SergeyBrin In case …
The inflatable approaches a swell-lashed Rockall in 2003

Rockall batters plucky Brit adventurer

Plucky Brit adventurer Nick Hancock has been forced to plan an early departure from the North Atlantic islet of Rockall after a storm deprived him of a large part of his vital supplies. He tweeted yesterday: Got battered by weather last night. Lost 4 barrels kit inc food. Need to come off early. Looking at options with @ …
Lester Haines, 3 Jul 2014
Makes a loud noise when stolen

Catch cack-handed baggage handlers in the act with Ericsson's SPY SUITCASE

Do you ever get the feeling that your luggage is having a better time than you on long-haul flights? An indulgence from Ericsson's engineers could let you know for sure. The Ericsson security suitcase has what is effectively a mobile phone built into it which monitors where it is and what is going on around it. If baggage …
Simon Rockman, 1 Jul 2014
Nick Hancock and his survival podule atop Rockall. Pic: Nick Hancock

Rockall pod-dweller braces for stormy weather

Rockall pod-dweller Nick Hancock has now spent over three weeks atop the North Atlantic islet and was battening down the hatches on Saturday ahead of predicted stormy weather. Nick Hancock on Rockall last week Thumbs up: Nick Hancock on Rockall He wrote: "Tomorrow is supposed to be a very calm day, but as they say: the calm …
Lester Haines, 30 Jun 2014
Angry-looking cat. Pic by  Guyon Morée from Beverwijk, Netherlands. licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution 2.0 Generic license

True fact: Your CAT wees ... like a racehorse

Racehorses have long been noted for the prodigious length of their - wait for it - toilet breaks. Yet boffins have claimed that all animals actually wee for the same amount of time, demolishing equines' much-vaunted status as the greatest urinators on Planet Earth. Researchers measured dozens of species to find that all animals …
Team Register, 30 Jun 2014

Retiring Reg hack explains how bass playing = tech reporting

After 2,035 days writing 2,531 stories containing 1.65 million words (thanks, Word Counter), this aging hack is celebrating his 26th birthday by hanging up his trusty MacBook Air and slipping off into semi-retirement. It's vanishingly unlikely that I'll be around to toast birthday number 27, so this year's binary natal day …
Rik Myslewski, 27 Jun 2014

Today in IT news: iPad Fleshlight a reality

NSFW From frightening-looking prototype to reality: Fleshlight has at last, er, released its iPad faux-rifice. According to its blurb, the coyly named LaunchPAD offers a "whole new perspective on masturbation..." "Annual tablet sales are now surpassing the number of PC sales with an estimated 70 million iPads being sold across the …
Team Register, 27 Jun 2014
Angry woman on mobile

Spanish struggle to control spelling of 'WhatsApp'

Spanish is an accommodating lingo, as the recent influx of tech and net-related Anglicisms attests, but these foreign invaders often prove challenging for Castillian orthography. The general line of attack is to adapt spelling in accordance with local custom where necessary, so while "chat", as in chatear (to chat), requires no …
Lester Haines, 27 Jun 2014

Kickstarter unplugs iFind miracle battery-free locator

Kickstarter has pulled the plug on the campaign to raise funds for the iFind - described as "The World's First Battery Free Item Locating Tag". iFind's creators WeTag had raised a cool $546,852 from 9,771 backers when Kickstarter suspended funding yesterday. Critics of the project raised serious doubts about its viability, …
Lester Haines, 27 Jun 2014
NEMA 5 plug socket

USB charger is prime suspect in death of Australian woman

An Australian woman has been found dead, possibly as the result of connecting a device to a USB charger that does not comply with safety standards. The Australian State of New South Wales' Fair Trading Commissioner Rod Stowe has issued a statement warning local punters not to buy chargers that do not bear the usual panoply of …
Simon Sharwood, 27 Jun 2014

Creepy battery-operated TEDDY BEAR SEX TOY. Sadly, this is for real

NSFW What do you buy the woman that has everything? Something else, we would advise, and certainly not the latest cuddly sex toy hoping to find a place in the hearts (and between the legs) of women everywhere. Teddy Love is a "bear that will love you forever", or least until its AA batteries run out. It offers the sort of love …
Team Register, 26 Jun 2014
Star Wars: The Complete Saga

Star Wars museum to land in Chicago

Chicago will house the official museum of all things George Lucas and Star Wars. A widely-reported statement from Lucas says the director is sad the museum won't be located in his home state of California – San Francisco and Los Angeles also entered bids – but that Chicago is simply a better site. The Chicago Tribune reports the …
Simon Sharwood, 25 Jun 2014

Dutch firm passes the world's first e-spliff to the left hand side

Do you want to be as stoned as Bob Marley but keep on jammin into your middle age? Then you're in luck, because a Dutch firm is riding high after introducing the world's first ever electronic doobie. The iSpliff is designed by Dutch firm E-Njoint BV and allows no-smoke-tokers to inhale liquid cannabis, using a similar method to …
Jasper Hamill, 24 Jun 2014

Firefighters deliver trapped student from GIANT GERMAN LADYPARTS

A US foreign exchange student has become a deserved internet celeb after firefighters extracted him from a giant vagina in the southwestern German city of Tübingen. According to Erick Guzman, who kindly posted snaps of the incident on Imgur, his chum decided it was a bright idea to get down and dirty with Peruvian artist …
Lester Haines, 23 Jun 2014

Barack Obama was ALMOST EATEN by a ROBOT GIRAFFE

A British mechanical giraffe evaded American secret services, infiltrated the White House and got close enough to Barack Obama to bite his head off. The robotic beast narrowly avoided sparking World War III after appearing at an event in the White House intended to show off the work of American "makers". The President was …
Jasper Hamill, 23 Jun 2014

A future queen, the spy chief behind the Iraq 'dodgy dossier' – and a war base rendezvous

Kate Middleton, the Duchess of Cambridge, has been shown around the historic home of Britain's World War II codebreaking efforts by a former MI6 chief who was instrumental in Britain's decision to invade Iraq in 2003. She visited Bletchley Park today to be greeted by the chairman of Bletchley Park Trust Sir John Scarlett, …
Jasper Hamill, 19 Jun 2014

Assange™ makes fresh bid for FREEDOM from Scotland Yard's 'physical encirclement'

Julian Assange™ is attempting to break out of the Ecuadorian Embassy in London, where he has been encamped for two years. His lawyers plan to file a request with the Stockholm District Court in Sweden, where Assange is wanted for questioning over allegations of sexual coercion, sexual molestation and rape. The WikiLeaker-in- …
Kelly Fiveash, 18 Jun 2014

DANGER MOUSE is back ... and he isn't half a GLASSHOLE

They call themselves explorers, but we all know there's a better word for anyone who wears Google Glass. Youtube Video Now the legendary kids' telly character Danger Mouse is set to return to Britain's screens, only this time he's a fully paid up Glasshole. A new series will air next year, with the rodent's eye-patch replaced …
Jasper Hamill, 18 Jun 2014

WORLD CUP SHOCK: England declared winner in 2-1 defeat to Italy

Spud-faced footie ace Wayne Rooney may not face the chop – after England was declared the WINNER in its World Cup opening match against Italy. The quick-tempered, woodwork-bothering Liverpudlian's fate was said to be hanging in the balance after the Italians scored two goals to England's one on Saturday night. Even though he …
Team Register, 17 Jun 2014
Nick Hancock and his survival podule atop Rockall. Pic: Nick Hancock

Podule-lodged Brit nears two weeks atop ocean peak Rockall

Brit adventurer Nick Hancock is approaching two weeks in a survival podule atop the North Atlantic outcrop of Rockall in his attempt to spend 60 days on the world's remotest islet in aid of Help for Heroes. Nick Hancock and his survival podule atop Rockall. Pic: Nick Hancock Twitching: Nick Hancock and his survival podule …
Lester Haines, 16 Jun 2014

'Hashtag' added to the OED – but # isn't a hash, pound, nor number sign

The venerable Oxford English Dictionary has added a word beloved by the Twitterati to its collection of 171,476 current and 47,156 obsolete words: hashtag. "The OED famously tends to wait until a word has been attested for several years before entering it into the dictionary, although exceptions are made for words which are …
Rik Myslewski, 13 Jun 2014

Smartphone SEX APPS will give you CUPID'S MEASLES - study

Have you fondled your slab in the hope of finding sex with a handsome stranger? Then you may want to get down the clap clinic pronto, because people who seek sex using smartphone apps are more likely to catch a nasty STD. That's the key point from a new study of hookup apps like Tinder and Grindr. Bonk-mad boffins in Los Angeles …
Jasper Hamill, 13 Jun 2014

So, what exactly defines a 'boffin'? Speak your brains...

The recent protest by computer scientist Yossi Oren of Columbia University that he hadn't been hailed as a boffin here at El Reg prompted some lively debate at Vulture Central as what exactly defines the term. Some of us, while conceding that scientists such as Oren are indeed clever chaps, felt that his area of expertise lacked …
Lester Haines, 12 Jun 2014
Tiger Woods 2011

Scott McNealy to caddie for 18-year-old son at US Golf Open

What did Scott McNealy do once Oracle slurped Sun? If one were to be unkind, one could say he became a bagman. And then note that the term has few pejorative connotations in the sport of golf, where it denotes the club-schlepping, advice-giving caddies who accompany top players around the course. 18-year-old Maverick McNealy is …
Simon Sharwood, 12 Jun 2014
Ardbeg head distiller Dr Bill Lumsden in his lab

DAMN you El Reg, CALL ME A BOFFIN, demands enraged boffin

CoTW It is with the deepest and most heartfelt concern that we here on the Register's standards and conduct committee wish to reach out today to our readers and apologise for a very serious violation of our editorial code. The error in question occurred with respect to this article, since amended: Hackers fondle boob tubes in Red …
Lewis Page, 11 Jun 2014
Google Doodle honoring Honinbo Shusaku

Whoops! Google's D-Day Doodle honors ... Japan

Google has apologized for publishing a Google Doodle honoring a Japanese Go player on the 70th anniversary of D-Day, blaming a technical glitch. "We always intended to highlight a new exhibition of imagery and archive material commemorating D-Day on our homepage," the online ad-slinger said in a statement. "Unfortunately a …
The inflatable approaches a swell-lashed Rockall in 2003

Brit lands on Rockall with survival podule, starts record attempt

Brit adventurer Nick Hancock has finally landed on the North Atlantic island of Rockall, just over a year since a first attempt to conquer the remote granite outcrop ended in failure. Nick Hancock. Pic: Michael Schofield Nick Hancock. Pic: Michael Schofield A short message beamed via satellite yesterday confirmed Hancock was …
Lester Haines, 6 Jun 2014
George Bush in Game of Thrones

Game of Thrones scribe George R R Martin will KILL YOU for US$20K

Game of Thrones author George R R Martin is running a crowdfunding campaign in which he promises to kill you for US$20,000. The writer has launched the campaign to support a wolf sanctuary near his home in Santa Fe. As is the case with most crowdfunding capers, this campaign offers rewards of increasing value for contributions …
Credit: IGNACIO LEONARDI http://www.freeimages.com/photo/1118608

Tech talk bloke compares girlfriend to irritating Java tool – did he deserve flames?

Poll A programmer was given a right shoeing on Twitter and various blogs for a classy move at a tech event – comparing Apache Maven to a beautiful-but-annoying girlfriend. Jonathan Doklovic, principal developer at software-maker Atlassian, made the comments while giving a thrilling talk about plugins at the AtlasCamp 2014 in Berlin …
Jasper Hamill, 6 Jun 2014

Japanese finally produce a ROBOT which isn't DEAD INSIDE

Pic Boffins have unveiled a robot that, we're confidently told, can understand human emotions. Named Pepper, the shiny machine has what appears to be a tablet computer strapped to its chest, and it resembles a cross between a mermaid and a, ahem, marital aid. It is the work of SoftBank Mobile Corp, a Japanese cell network, and …
Jasper Hamill, 5 Jun 2014

Apple? More like FAP-PLE: Fanbois are the BIGGEST PERVS, say people who know

Slab-fondling Apple fanbois have been outed as the world's biggest perverts, a new study from grumble site Pornhub has claimed. Safari, the fruity firm's browser, is smut lovers' favourite one-handed surfing software. It accounts for 38 per cent of Pornhub's mobile phone traffic and 73 per cent of tablet traffic. On tablets, …
Jasper Hamill, 4 Jun 2014
Another still of mechanics Dan Thompson and Gary Ker caught on Street View

'THERE'S BEEN A MURRRDER!' Plod probe Street View 'slaying'

Edinburgh cops investigating an apparent murder caught on Google Street View were delighted to discover it was a hoax perpetrated by a couple of mechanics. A concerned citizen alerted the boys in blue that images snapped by Google's all-seeing eye in the city's Giles Street showed a man beating down another with a pick axe …
Lester Haines, 4 Jun 2014