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Google: Maps editing is back – but, please, no more p*ss-taking robots!

Google is set to reopen its Maps service to user-submitted edits and labels albeit through a new moderating process. The web goliath will use a team of hand-selected users to screen edits to its maps and approve any changes. Previously, Google employees were taxed with monitoring all submitted revisions of Maps. "Map Maker …
Shaun Nichols, 15 Jul 2015

Ireland loses entire airport amid new postcode chaos

Ireland's Shannon Airport, up until a few days ago to be found in Shannon, County Clare, has seemingly up sticks and moved to County Limerick following the introduction of Ireland’s new postcode system, the Eircode. Other problems with the Eircode range from incorrect addresses to data protection concerns. Despite this, …
Jennifer Baker, 14 Jul 2015

Police investigate strange case of doughnut-licking pop singer Ariana Grande

Police are investigating pop chanteuse Ariana Grande for attempted doughnut/donut-licking in a US store. Grande has since apologised after a video of her was released where the singer tentatively tongues a number of donuts and then jumps up and down laughing. An employee then removes a tray full of the treats, and Grande is …
Kat Hall, 13 Jul 2015

Pan Am Games: Link to our website without permission and we'll sue

Updated The organisers of the Pan American Games in Toronto, which start this week, require that people seek formal permission to link to its website at toronto2015.org. Under the website's terms of use, amid piles of incomprehensible legalese seemingly designed to hide from the fact that social media exists, it is decreed that no one …
Kieren McCarthy, 11 Jul 2015

Oxford Uni unearths 800-year-old document to seize domain names

The University of Oxford has gone all medieval over some dot-com domain names, insisting that it be handed control of oxfordcollegeirl.com and oxfordcollegesc.com due to rights dating back to 1214 A.D. A panelist at the World Intellectual Property Organization (WIPO) agreed, although his job was made easier by the fact that …
Kieren McCarthy, 11 Jul 2015
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FLYING PIG crash-lands in Utah: Rider survives, bacon saved

Heartwarmingly, news has reached us here on the Register flying-cars-and-related-matters desk that a large flying pig has crashlanded in Utah. The airborne porker's rider suffered only minor injuries. The incident took place recently in the town of Provo, Utah, where locals were celebrating the anniversary of the Land of the …
Lewis Page, 9 Jul 2015

Norks execute underperforming terrapin farm manager

North Korea has executed the manager of an underperforming terrapin farm, following a "field guidance tour" of the site by Kim Jong-un. According to Daily NK, the chubby despot rolled up at the facility on the Taedong River in Pyongyang back in May (see pic, below), to find "some of the tanks were not adequately supplied with …
Team Register, 8 Jul 2015
Excerpt from Russian safe selfies brochure

Russia campaigns to stop SUICIDALLY STUPID selfies

Russia's Interior Ministry has started an education campaign to convince the populace that high-flying, high-risk selfies can kill. Assistant Minister of Internal Affairs, Lieutenant Colonel of Police Elena Alekseeva, yesterday launched the “safety selfie” programme after several Russian citizens came to grisly ends whilst …

Canuck chump cuffed over helium balloon flying chair stunt

A high-flying Canuck was cuffed over the weekend after overflying the Calgary Stampede in a lawn chair suspended beneath 120 helium-filled balloons. All Clean Natural Balloon Stunt!!! Daniel Boria had planned to skydive into the rodeo extravaganza as a publicity stunt for his company All Clean Natural. With his $20 chair …
Team Register, 7 Jul 2015

Florida cops cuff open-carry, balls-out pirate packing 'operational' flintlocks

A Florida pirate was arrested recently after allegedly firing shots at passing cars using his pair of "operational" black-powder pistols, presumably flintlocks. The Florida Keys Keynoter and Reporter has the story. It seems that Monroe County sheriff's deputies, responding to notifications of shots fired on the old Seven Mile …
Lewis Page, 6 Jul 2015
Self/Less

Self/Less: Crap science, eyebrow acting, and immortality for the 1%

Film review Director Tarsem Singh has something of a fascination with technology and medicine. His first film, The Cell, posited using a virtual reality mind meld system and his latest, Self/Less, is all about swapping minds though the power of high tech. Daniel, a cancer-stricken New York property developer (Ben Kingsley), receives an …
Iain Thomson, 3 Jul 2015

German army fights underground Nazi war machine hidden in Kiel pensioner's cellar

The German rozzers raided a villa in a wealthy suburb of Kiel on Wednesday (July 2), and found a Nazi tank from 1943 hidden in the cellar, alongside a torpedo and "other weaponry". The Local reported that the raid took place under the orders of the town's prosecutors, who suspect the villa's owner held the Nazi-era weaponry …
head of 50s-style robot

Rise of the Machines: ROBOT KILLS MAN at Volkswagen plant

A 22 year old man was yesterday killed by a robot at a Volkswagen plant in Baunatal, Germany. Wire services report that the man was crushed against a metal plate by the robot. The FT says VW has stated the robot did not suffer a technical defect, but that the deceased worker entered the protective cage in which the machine sits …
News team, 2 Jul 2015

World+dog will soon watch 'at least 200 pr0n vids a year'

In the year 2020 everyone on the planet will on average watch at least 200 porn videos annually - a 55 per cent increase from 2015 - according to crystal ball-gazers Juniper. Of course, that figure does not account for every single person – with some watchers likely to, err, contribute significantly more to the global average …
Kat Hall, 1 Jul 2015
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Giant male member spontaneously ejaculates over Norway

Under normal circumstances, creeping up on members of the public and emulating the sin of Onan upon their person would land you in jail. Unless it's for charity – which apparently makes it OK. A 19-year-old claiming to work for a Norwegian sexual health charity has been raising awareness about chlamydia in the only obvious way …
Kat Hall, 29 Jun 2015

Bloke called Rod struck by lightning for second time

A man called Rod has an unfortunately apt name, having now been struck by lightning twice. Rod Wolfe, 58, lives in Chebanse, a small town outside of Chicago in the United States. Last Saturday, he was standing just outside his house when lightning hit a nearby tree and jumped to his body. He was treated for broken ribs and heart …
Shaun Nichols, 27 Jun 2015

Flushed with success: No bog standard Canadian goldfish these

Goldfish popped doon Canadian toilets have been found to be not only surviving, but positively thriving in their new underworld, so much so that Alberta's government has launched a campaign to prevent people flushing away their aquarium-dwellers. Some of the blinged up critters have grown to the size of dinner plates, and are …

Indiana Jones whips Bond in greatest movie character poll

Reg reader movie buffs will doubtless have an opinion on the news that Indiana Jones has been voted "greatest movie character of all time". The whip-cracking archaeologist beat James Bond into second spot in a public poll conducted by Empire. Han Solo rolled in third, meaning two podium appearences for George Lucas and Harrison …
Lester Haines, 24 Jun 2015

Mum fails to nuke killer spider nest from orbit

A shaken British mother has recounted how she and her family narrowly escaped death at the fangs of the feared South American eight-legged death machine which is the Brazilian wandering spider. Mum-of-four Laura Horsfield, 31, bought a bunch of bananas from a Tesco in Cleckheaton, West Yorkshire, on the perfectly reasonable …
Lester Haines, 23 Jun 2015

DEATH by VEGETABLES: Woman charged with killing boyf using carrots. And peas

A woman in California allegedly killed her boyfriend using mixed veg, according to local news reports. According to NBCLA, a local prosecutor states that Linda Clarene Jackson, 59, of Lake Los Angeles, allegedly attacked her 59-year-old boyfriend, David Ruiz, while he was in her house. The local TV station reported further that …
Team Register, 23 Jun 2015
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Police robot duo storm Colorado house, end four-day siege

A pair of police robots are being hailed as heroes in Colorado, after they stormed a house in which a possibly drug-addled, armed man had barricaded himself. Officers seem likely to be enjoying celebratory doughnuts and battery charging back at the station after a four-day siege ended in the town of Greeley, Colorado, on …
Lewis Page, 22 Jun 2015

Vicious vandals violate voluminous Versailles vagina

Artist Anish Kapoor has decried French "intolerance" towards art, after vandals attacked his vast vagina sculpture in the gardens of the Palace of Versailles. The provocative work – officially dubbed "Dirty Corner", but known popularly as the "Queen's Vagina" – was discovered damaged by yellow paint on Wednesday morning. …
Lester Haines, 19 Jun 2015
hand with thumb up

Arkansas Kum & Go onanist did just that

Arkansas state cops are trying to press the flesh with a local who took things slightly too literally when he opted for a five-knuckle shuffle outside a Kum & Go convenience store ... and then legged it without even leaving a phone number. Springdale Police Department put a call out on Facebook for anyone that can identify the …
Paul Kunert, 19 Jun 2015
One onion, one tomato and three cloves of garlic

Heinz cockup sees Ketchup's QR codes spurt saucy sites

A chap named Daniel Korell got quite a surprise when, in late May, he scanned the QR code on a bottle of Heinz Hot Tomato Ketchup, as the bottle led him to pornography rather than information about the comdiment. Korrell's Facebook post on the matter depicts a bottle of sauce that bears a promotion for a site we think is …
Simon Sharwood, 19 Jun 2015
Short animated gif from the film Tango and Cash

Noshing moth menaces misled into male-on-male mating

Crafty museum curators in London, outraged by lepidopterans gobbling their well-stuffed exhibits, have fought back with a sinister plan that has seen the noshing attackers tricked into orgies of male-on-male sex and hence unable to reproduce. We learn of the scheme from the Telegraph, reporting on a mysterious London institution …
Lewis Page, 17 Jun 2015

How swearing at your coworker via WhatsApp could cost you $68,000

A bloke in the United Arab Emirates (UAE) is facing hefty fines and possibly deportation after he swore at a colleague on WhatsApp, it is reported. He was ordered to cough up DHS 3,000 (£521, US$816) by the Mid-East nation's lower courts after he was found guilty of breaking cyber-crime laws by sending the insulting message. …
Shaun Nichols, 16 Jun 2015

Silicon Valley season closer: Would you like fried servers with that?

Recap The final episode of season two of Silicon Valley was a blast: almost literally. The HBO show has already been picked up for a third season, but right up to the last second, this fun and fast-paced episode had you wondering whether the whole thing was going down to melt down into nothing but hot metal and charred Ethernet cables …
Kieren McCarthy, 15 Jun 2015
Christopher Lee as Dracula

In memoriam: Christopher Lee, Hammer's Count Dracula

Obit Christopher Lee, the iconic British actor best known for his portrayal of Count Dracula in a series of films from Hammer Studios and for roles in the recent Lord of the Rings and Star Wars film trilogies, has died at age 93. The deep-voiced Lee made his film debut in Corridor of Mirrors in 1948 for future James Bond director …
Neil McAllister, 11 Jun 2015
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Belgium trolls France with bonkers new commemorative coin

Belgium has taken international trolling to the next level by minting a €2.50 coin to celebrate the Battle of Waterloo. France had objected to the plan to mint a €2 coin to mark the 200th anniversary of Napoleon's defeat and Belgium duly scrapped 180,000 coins. France said the battle “has a particular resonance in the collective …
Jennifer Baker, 11 Jun 2015

Silicon Valley, episode 9: Too sexy for this headline, too sexy...

Recap "I haven't had a girlfriend in, like, three years." "Boyfriend?" "No, I'm not gay. Just… busy." This week's episode of Silicon Valley – the penultimate one of season two – decided the lackluster sex lives of coders was the perfect foil with which to repeatedly stab the floundering Pied Piper as it tries to recovers from yet …
Kieren McCarthy, 10 Jun 2015

'Stolen' art found on nearby shelf. Police keep looking anyway

Artworks which went missing from the Boston Public Library, leading to FBI involvement and the resignation of the library's president, have been found on a shelf in the library. The Boston Globe reported that the pair of rare prints were found a day after president Amy Ryan announced her resignation. The prints – an Albrecht …

Did you almost prang a 737 jet with a drone over Dallas? The FAA would like a word

A small drone caused quite a stir at an airport in Texas when it crossed paths with a passenger jet. A landing Boeing 737 on its one mile approach to the Dallas Love Field airport came within a few hundred feet of the small quad-copter, we're told. The plane did not hit the drone, and was able to safely land without needing to …
Shaun Nichols, 8 Jun 2015

Chips can kill: Official

The European Food Safety Authority (EFSA) has grimly concluded that those tucking into fried potato products run an increased risk of damaged DNA and developing cancer. The culprit is the chemical acrylamide (AA), which "naturally forms in starchy food products during every-day high-temperature cooking (frying, baking, roasting …
Lester Haines, 8 Jun 2015

Soon your car won't let you drink. But it won't care if you're on the phone

Drink drivers jumping behind the wheel of a car after a boozy session at the pub might just find they are going nowhere fast, if alcohol sensor technology finally comes into play. Which it might at some point. Breath and touch-based sensors, to be used in cars to detect the amount of alcohol in the blood, are currently being …
Paul Kunert, 7 Jun 2015
NuStar's view of the Sun

Spaniard sues eBay over right to sell the Sun

A Spanish woman has filed a lawsuit against eBay for the right to sell the Sun, El Mundo reports. Galician star-vendor Ángeles Durán is claiming €10,000 from the world's favourite tat bazaar after it blocked her attempts to offload bits of our solar system's nuclear furnace on eBay's Spanish and Italian tentacles. According to …
Lester Haines, 5 Jun 2015
Un Frog

Sacré bleu! Parking machine labels French mayor ‘thieving bastard'

Police are investigating complaints from a Gallic politician after he was branded a “thieving bastard” on hundreds of parking tickets emanating from a machine in the town where he's mayor. Jean-François Copé, a former bigwig of the French (conservative) opposition party Les Republicans, stood down last summer following a funding …

Spaniards get that cinking feeling

They may not be able to pronounce WhatsApp for love nor money, but the Spaniards have no trouble whatsoever getting their tongues around the English -ing suffix, as evidenced by a recent agreeable/alarming (according to your opinion on foreignisms) rise in xxxings here in Spain. It all started innocently enough. Students of the …
Lester Haines, 4 Jun 2015

Chinese bloke escapes execution for Forbidden City nude photo shoot

NSFW A Chinese artist will likely not be strapped to a gurney and injected with a lethal cocktail of chemicals, despite the best efforts of Western news outlets and the local Twat-O-Tron to suggest a nude photo shoot at Beijing's Forbidden City might represent a surefire shortcut to the execution chamber. According to The Mirror, …
Lester Haines, 3 Jun 2015

Couple sues estate agent who sold them her mum's snake-infested house

A US couple who bought a house in Maryland last December are suing their estate agent and the agent's mother for $2m, claiming she didn't tell them about their new home's terrible snake infestation. The Baltimore Sun reported that the smallest snakes found in Jeff and Jody Brooks' new Annapolis house were mere hatchlings, only …

Sorry we called you a fatty, say Kiwi spies to Kim 'Slim Jim' Dotcom

New Zealand's spy-boss has said sorry after her intelligence agents branded MegaUpload's svelte supremo Kim Dotcom a "fatty." The groveling apology came from Security Intelligence Service chief Rebecca Kitteridge after the New Zealand Herald obtained and published correspondence between g-men poking fun at spindly Dotcom. " …
Shaun Nichols, 2 Jun 2015

KFC takes legal axe to eight-legged mutant chicken claims

Kentucky Fried Chicken (KFC) has filed lawsuit in a Shanghai court claiming that three Chinese companies used social media to spread rumours it had produced a six-winged, eight-legged chicken. Shanxi Weilukuang Technology Company, Taiyuan Zero Point Technology, and Yingchenanzhi Success and Culture Communication stand accused of …
Lester Haines, 2 Jun 2015

What a Zuckin' drag! 'Frisco queens protest outside Facebook HQ over 'real names' policy

Facebook is once again facing protests for its controversial "real names only" rule. A group of picketers, including a prominent San Francisco drag queen group, turned up outside Facebook's Menlo Park headquarters today, complaining that the Facebook policies leave them open to discrimination. Native Americans and domestic- …
Shaun Nichols, 1 Jun 2015