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Boston court confirms Peeping Tom's right to upskirt

The Massachusetts Supreme Judicial Court has ruled that upskirting is not prohibited under existing state law, the Boston Globe reports. The ruling came in the case of Michael Robertson, a 31-year-old arrested back in 2010 for "allegedly attempting to upskirt female passengers on Boston’s Green Line subway with his mobile phone …
Lester Haines, 6 Mar 2014

Blimey! ANOTHER Bitcoin bleed brouhaha

A cryptocurrency exchange called Poloniex has lost more than ten per cent of its entire stash of Bitcoin after allegedly being hacked. Tristan D'Agosta, who runs Poloniex under the pseudonym Busoni, admitted to the loss and issued a comprehensive rundown of what went wrong. This approach contrasts starkly with the wall of …
Jasper Hamill, 6 Mar 2014
The Winklevoss twins, Cameron and Tyler

Winklevoss twins say their Bitcoins will take them to SPAAAAACE

Venture capitalists Cameron and Tyler Winklevoss are the latest thrill-seekers to sign up for seats on Virgin Galactic's SpaceShipTwo rocket plane, and true to form, they have paid for their tickets in Bitcoins. "Since their inceptions, Bitcoin and Virgin Galactic have been writing the next chapter in our history books," Tyler …

Voracious alien flatworm hits French in the escargots

Scientists across la Manche have warned that "the time for action is now" following the first discovery on European soil of an alien flatworm immigrant with a voracious appetite for snails. Several New Guinea flatworm (Platydemus manokwari) were spotted in a hothouse in the Jardin des Plantes, in Caen, and subsequently …
Lester Haines, 6 Mar 2014
Landmine-sniffing rodent recruit

Aargh! My EYEBALLS are MELLLTING! Curse this DEVIL LAPTOP

According to a recent study, lap-warming, ball-cooking laptops pose yet another threat to users, and this time it crosses the gender divide: "Computer Vision Syndrome". "On top of this, recent in-vitro (or experimental) studies conducted by UCM and Dr Celia Sánchez-Ramos, an important expert on ocular phototoxicity, have shown …
Simon Rockman, 5 Mar 2014
Newton MessagePad 120 - PCMCIA card

HTML is a sexually transmitted disease, say many Americans

The Personal Computer Memory Card International Association's eponymous 1990 PCMCIA card standard used to jokingly be decoded as People Can't Memorise Computer Industry Acronyms. Nearly a quarter of a century later that jape has been proven anew, after an online coupons outfit called Vouchercloud let The Los Angeles Times …
Toilet

Relief when urine trouble becomes latest capacity-sharing service

Under-utilised-resource-sharing services were last year's darling in startup-land, with the likes of Uber and AirBnb feted for being jolly clever and making rather a lot of money for participants. The unused-capacity sharing concept has now gone down the toilet, literally, with the launch of a new outfit called Airpnp. Before …
Prison window

Ever get the impression a telesales op was being held prisoner?

Have you ever had the impression that a telesales operator on the phone to you was actually being held prisoner against their will? Well, next time they might very well be because the unlucky inmates of HM Prison Grampian, Peterhead, are about to be put to work in a custom-built call centre. The new prison replaces two old …
Jasper Hamill, 4 Mar 2014
Pigeon crapping on statue

Fanbois sent into FITS of RAGE by fake Steve Jobs statue competition

Fanbois around the world were sent into an incandescent rage this week by news that a hideously ugly statue of Steve Jobs was set to stand outside Cupertino. But The Register has learned that Apple has no intention of erecting the mildly phallic structure near its headquarters. In fact, some of our friends within the fruity …
Jasper Hamill, 3 Mar 2014

Twitter sags beneath weight of Oscar selfie

HOLLYWOOD AND CYBERSPACE: The entertainment industry has once again celebrated the world of entertainment, with the annual Academy Awards going even more viral than usual thanks to a selfie of several prominent entertainers that set new records for social sharing. The selfie in question was taken by entertainer Bradley Cooper ( …

Jobless mum claims Spanish councillor told her to 'go on the game'

A councillor in the Spanish town of Villarrobledo has probably had his chances of picking up the municipality's "Citizen of the Year" trophy blown after allegations surfaced that he had told a young jobseeking mum to hit the streets in search of cash. This report alleges that 21-year-old Ángeles María Herreros rolled up at …
Lester Haines, 3 Mar 2014
Qantas A380 tail

Flying fondleslab causes injury after plane hits turbulence

Hot on the heels of news that Australian wasps can ground a plane comes another cautionary tale from the Australian Transport Safety Bureau (ATSB), this time concerning the perils of flying laptop computers and iPads. The two devices fell from an overhead bin during turbulence last November. The ATSB's report on the incident …

Inquietante testimonio gráfico: Electrosonda orgásmica anal aplicada… ¡a un TORO!

NSFW [Author's note: Since publication of the English-language version of this eye-watering report last week, I've had a few locals moaning that while the snaps were certainly entertaining, they couldn't understand the text. Well, they can stop their whining, because thanks to the translating skills of my old mate and Paper Aircraft …
Lester Haines, 28 Feb 2014

Insecure hipsters with BEARD ENVY spur facial hair transplant craze

Do you want to look like a hipster hobo but don't have enough fertile facial follicles to grow a Jesus beard? Help is at hand, as long as you're willing to shell out more than $8,000 and travel to New York. Cosmetic surgeons in the Big Apple have claimed the trend for biblical beards is driving a boom in facial hair transplant …
Jasper Hamill, 28 Feb 2014

Frenchman eyes ocean domination with floating, mobile Bond villain lair

A French plan for oceanic domination is shaping up nicely with the news that construction is poised to begin on the SeaOrbiter vessel as early as Spring 2014. Artist's impression of the SeaOrbiter SeaOrbiter: Oceanic domination ahoy Described as "the only vessel in the world allowing a 24h/24 exploration on long-term …
Lester Haines, 28 Feb 2014

Booze and bacon sarnies: A recipe for immortality?

Earlier this week, a chilling and extremely newsworthy report established a link between fried meat and Alzheimer's disease. "Bacon is particularly problematic," doomwatched the Daily Mail, a noted proponent of the "if it's tasty it'll kill you" school of scientific killjoyery. Neil Cardy's massive bacon sarnie from a cafe on …
Lester Haines, 28 Feb 2014
Parasitic wasp attacks aphid

Passenger jet grounded by two-hour insect attack

Wasps have been found to be the reason an Airbus A330 aborted a takeoff attempt and then made an emergency landing. The incident took place in the Australian city of Brisbane in November 2013. The Airbus arrived from Singapore without incident. An attempt to take off on the return leg was aborted after instruments reported it …
Simon Sharwood, 28 Feb 2014

MtGox accepted new customers JUST DAYS before collapse

MtGox was still accepting new customers right up until the eve of its shutdown, The Reg has learned. A Reg reader has told us he was able to open a verified account just days before the Bitcoin exchange collapsed. This suggests that the MtGox authorities were caught by surprise, rather than planning for the shutdown. Eddie, a …
Jasper Hamill, 27 Feb 2014

Official FACT: Gadgets are giving YOU a wrinkly 'Tech Neck'

Packed full of pornography, malware and overpriced iStuff, the world of technology is a scary place. Now be prepared to face the latest threat of the modern age: a wrinkly neck. As more and more people spend their days bent double and fondling their slab, their neck turns from a pristine place of beauty into a wrinkled …
Jasper Hamill, 27 Feb 2014

Steve Jobs statue: Ones and ohs and OH NOES – it's POINTING at us

Apple godhead Steve Jobs was known for his love of superb but pricey design and flawless aesthetics. So why on Earth has the fruity firm decided to immortalise him with a monstrous statue that's been described as a "huge dildo" for fanbois? Twitter critics have erupted in rage and disbelief after the statue was unveiled on the …
Jasper Hamill, 27 Feb 2014
Angry woman on mobile

What the world really needs: A telescopic SELFIE STICK

MWC 2014 Mobile World Congress is often as interesting for the silly gadgets as it is for the mainstream announcements. Bluetooth Gew-gaws abound at mwc This (right) is the Selfie Stick, an extendable pole with a Bluetooth control for your phone. The Selfie comes in two versions: a general one and one for Samsung phones where you …
Simon Rockman, 27 Feb 2014

50,000 women knocked up by big data, wearable tech, crowds and cloud

Big Data, cloud, wearable computing and crowdsourcing boosters now have very, very tangible evidence of the technologies' power: 50,000 new humans. So claims an outfit called Ovuline, which offers an iOS and Android app dubbed Ovia Fertility that asks users to input details about their health and menstrual cycle, and can even …
Simon Sharwood, 27 Feb 2014

Woman claims she was assaulted in Google Glass 'HATE CRIME'

Vid A California woman claims to have been the victim of a "hate crime" after allegedly being attacked in a San Francisco bar because she was wearing Google Glass. "OMG so you'll never believe this but... I got verbally and physically asaulted [sic] and robbed last night in the city, had things thrown at me because of some wanker …
Neil McAllister, 27 Feb 2014
Collmotdrones

Hungarian eggheads unleash not-at-all-scary DRONE SWARM

Vid Researchers have taught flying drones to behave like birds, clearing the way for further development of technologies to marshal swarms of unmanned aerial vehicles. In a paper titled Outdoor flocking and formation flight with autonomous aerial robots boffins from Budapet's Eötvös University Department of Biological Physics …
Jack Clark, 26 Feb 2014

LG offers BRAIN-SAVING CANCER-BL... er 'good luck charms'

MWC 2014 What LG would like us to be writing about is its Knock Code – a system which takes the idea of drawing a shape to unlock a phone and replaces it with a Simon-style pattern of taps. That might have been the case if LG hadn’t chosen to promote the technology by handing out a, ahem, "radiation shield". This will "protect" you, but …
Simon Rockman, 25 Feb 2014
Timo Boll faces the Agilus robot at ping pong. Credit: KUKA

Rise of the Machines: Robot challenges top German player at ping-pong

Everyone knows that the robots can already beat the best the human race can offer at chess, Jeopardy, probably global thermonuclear war etc. But for games of agility, until now the human athlete has in general retained his or her superiority. But that's set to change, as a powerful German robot reckons it can take on a former …
Lewis Page, 24 Feb 2014

Terrifying photo special: 'Electric Cannon' anal orgasmo-probe in use ... on a BULL

NSFW For the benefit of those readers feeling frankly tired of the internet this fine February Friday, we're delighted to present a picture special so bereft of an IT angle that we're not even going to bother attempting to concoct a vaguely tenuous link. Yes indeed, if you've ever wondered - like you do - just how you milk a bull, …
Lester Haines, 21 Feb 2014
BlackBerry Messenger (BBM)

NHS care.data leaflet shovage: Like a 'notice for Earth's demolition' posted to Alpha Centauri

Quotw This was the week when Google advised its tech spec-wearing minions not to be "Glassholes". That's right, the Chocolate Factory has simultaneously caved in to the zinginess of the moniker for those sporting Google Glass and made the term that much less cool... Of course, the Choc Factory's marketing folk were a being a little …
Throwboys' iCEO

Just like Elvis, dead Steve Jobs to appear all over America in 2015

A highly-sensitive leaked US government document reveals Steve Jobs will appear all over America in 2015. The memo comes from the perforation-happy Citizens' Stamp Advisory Committee, an agency “tasked with evaluating the merits of all stamp proposals.” The document, uncovered by the Washington Post, reveals that Jobs will be …
Simon Sharwood, 21 Feb 2014
don't click

Another U.S. state set to repeal rubber duck ban

The governor of Wisconsin is set to sign into law a bill which will finally legalise the popular local activity of rubber duck racing, joining Minnesota and Michigan where plastic bathtoy contests are already legal. For years, the organisers of illicit duck races in the state had been forced to live in fear of police raids and …
Lewis Page, 20 Feb 2014

Chihuahua TERROR: Packs of TINY hounds menace Arizona

Residents of a suburb of Phoenix, Arizona, are battling to reclaim the streets from packs of Chihuahuas which have brought terror to wide-eyed kiddies obliged to run the canine gauntlet on their way to school. According to this chilling report on Fox, gangs of the diminutive mutts numbering as many as 12 roam the streets of …
Lester Haines, 20 Feb 2014
Birds Eye 'mashtag' snack

Birds Eye releases 'mashtags' social spud snacks

Frozen food outfit Birds Eye has released a new product called “mashtags”, processed potato snacks in the shape of characters often used online. The new product hasn't yet made it to Birds Eye's web site in the USA or UK, but we're willing to guess the new product is closely related to the Potato Waffles from the UK site. Those …
Simon Sharwood, 19 Feb 2014

Brit boffins brew up blight-resistant FRANKENSPUD

A team of British researchers has announced the results of test cultivation of a blight-resistant potato - a transgenic creation featuring a "gene isolated from a wild relative of potato, Solanum venturii, and introduced by GM methods into the potato variety Desiree". For three growing seasons from 2010-12, scientists from the …
Lester Haines, 18 Feb 2014
South Korean spam

Spam, a lot of it: Bubble tea is the Seoul of wit

Something for the Weekend, Sir? Your Spam Manager is holding 4 messages. Oh here we go... Subject: Customer Invoice Payment From an email address beginning "realestatetips"? I think not. Subject: PLEASE Update BANK DetaiLS Gosh yes that looks genuine, must open that later and run the attachment. Subject: Carreer oppurtunity As a literary agent, I suppose …
Alistair Dabbs, 14 Feb 2014
RoboCop

Smart getaway drivers would yell at Officer Glasshole: 'SafeSearch off, Horse porn'

Quotw Redundancies at big tech firms, including both HP and Dell, were big news this week. At HP, the company has refused to rule out making roles redundant in the UK and then shifting them to parts of Europe where average salaries are lower. Corporate PR Clare Loxley said eloquently: It's a mixture of activities [in the redundancy …

Japanese fanboi first in queue for, er, iPhone 6

A Japanese man who appears to be a rather overzealous Apple fanboi has started queuing for the iPhone 6, even though it hasn't been announced yet. Tokyo-based blogger Yoppy, who describes his outing in his blog as "iPhone cosplay" – apparently decided that Wednesday was the right time to dress up as an iPhone and wait outside …
Jasper Hamill, 13 Feb 2014

Someone's snatched my yummy Brit COTTAGE PIE – Viv Reding

Brussels' justice boss Viviane Reding was left feeling decidedly crumby on Monday during a visit to London, after thieves nicked her luggage from an official EU car. Among the items stolen was a cottage pie that the commissioner reportedly purchased from a farmers' market in Blighty's capital. Apparently, Reding is a fan of …
Kelly Fiveash, 12 Feb 2014
Larry Ellison

Larry Ellison: Technology has 'negatively impacted' children

Tech magnate and extremely rich chap Larry Ellison bemoans the effect technology has on children. Billionaire Larry Ellison was asked at the Oracle Human Capital Management summit on Thursday about what changes he thought technology might have on the world. After plugging a movie his daughter produced – "Her" – as a good …
Jack Clark, 7 Feb 2014
Alistair Dabbs' office

STRIPPED DOWN and EXPOSED: Business kit from the good old days

Something for the Weekend, Sir? A staple of radio phone-ins is to invite listeners to share their stories about funny things they found when moving into a new property. There are some tales that everyone can share, such as front doors fitted with a letterbox so small that you’d struggle to fit a postcard through without having to fold it in half. There are …
Cat yawning

Time to pack in your job: Someone FINALLY needs a cat vids curator

This is not the sound of your ship coming in, but if you're sick of your current job as a Ruby on Rails developer, Oracle sysadmin, HPC guru or security whipping-boy, why not try your hand at the arts? The Walker Art Centre in Minneapolis is looking for a coordinator for its “Internet Cat Video Festival”, which has been running …

fWHoaR! Trick-cyclists crack eternal mystery of WHAT WOMEN WANT in a man

Conferring yet another boon on confused men everywhere, psychologists say they have finally cracked the eternal mystery of just what it is that women really find attractive in a man. Unfortunately for those of our male readers whose skull is taller than it is wide, it turns out that what really stokes the ladies' desires is a …
Lewis Page, 6 Feb 2014
Double Facepalm; when one facepalm is not enough.

Super Bowl's SUPER BALLSUP: CBS broadcasts Wi-Fi password

The Super Bowl's security nerve centre was billed as a "secret, first of its kind" unit. But that claim was kicked into touch out of bounds after CBS accidentally screened the base's Wi-Fi password. CBS show This Morning was screening a report on the super strict security operation when the camera panned across the room to …
Jasper Hamill, 4 Feb 2014