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Tiny ginger kitten puts its paws up in the manner of a person being arrested.

Extreme community policing: West Virginia crook pepper-sprays HIMSELF mid-robbery

A man from West Virginia has been jailed after he allegedly foiled his own robbery attempt by pepper-spraying himself. Last week, Kevin Meadows, clad in camouflage gear, a "boonie hat", and a paintball mask, attempted to take down pharmacy staff with repeated blasts of pepper spray. However, he accidentally walked into one of …
Kat Hall, 11 May 2015

Tough admin forces hacker to STRIP to PANTS, LEAP to his DEATH

A hacker who had spent weeks pwning fellow Guild Wars 2 players got some stylised justice when the game creators made a spectacle of his banning and character destruction. The hacker had become legend among the the MMO's userbase. Rumours of his appearances propagated like a virus. Kotaku reports that he single-handedly …
Houses of Parliament in night-time

VOTERS! This Election: Vote #Smart, Vote #Digital

¡Bong! Millions of Britons will go to the polls tomorrow for (we hope) the last ever analogue General Election. Several million more, many of whom share the same names and live at a surprisingly small number of addresses in inner-city constituencies, have already voted. I hope you will choose wisely tomorrow. As a successful venture …
Steve Bong, 6 May 2015
Star Wars: Force Unleashed II

Boffins' ball barrage bombardment biffs bumbling bimble biped-bot

Morning Vid For your amusement this morning we have this video of a walker robot being attacked by a gang of boffins in a park: The machine was built at Oregon State University, is known as the ATRIAS and - you guessed it - is funded by Pentagon warboffin bureau DARPA. It's to be a contender at the DARPA Robotics Challenge in California …
Lewis Page, 5 May 2015
Fiorina

HP wag has last laugh at US prez wannabe with carlyfiorina.org snatch

Carly Fiorina, once the boss of HP and today a US Presidential candidate, just learned the hard way that you can never be too thorough when it comes to hoarding domains, particularly when you're planning to run for public office. An unknown wag was able to snap up the carlyfiorina.org domain and use it to host a rather …
Shaun Nichols, 5 May 2015

OMFG – Emojis are killing off traditional 'net slang

Emoji are killing off traditional internet slang, according to a probe by Instagram's engineering team. Instagram's just made it possible to use Emoji in hashtags, a feature we're sure you were all positively clamouring for, and did so in response to its users' increasing interest in the cute little characters that add colour …
U2 on your iStuffs

Not pro-Bono: Russian MP wants Apple to face stiff action for cramming 'gay' U2 into iCrevices

Russian prosecutors have been asked to probe Apple to see if the American giant broke Russia's "gay propaganda" laws by forcibly thrusting ludicrous boy band U2's album Songs of Innocence into iThings. Alexander Starovoytov, a member of the Russian parliament, was quoted this week in broadsheet Izvestia demanding an …
Shaun Nichols, 1 May 2015

Age guessing with Microsoft is FUN! Now give us your metadata

Microsoft has unwrapped a metadata-slurping website powered by user-uploaded pictures which pretends to be a fun age-guessing game. While the page's inability to accurately guess users' ages might seem an amusing cock-up on Redmond's part, the machine learning boffins who set up the page are content to slurp up the JavaScript …
Care Package NSFW by https://www.flickr.com/photos/theredproject/ CC 2.0 attribution https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0/

Facebook serves up shaved, pierced, tattooed 'butterfly' as CAPTCHA

VERY NSFW Reg reader Mike W has sent us something rather interesting from Facebook, which asked him to prove he's human with the test below that asked him to pick out pictures of butterflies. We'll explain the white space at grid position A2 after the image. Facebook Butterfly Captcha Back to that white space, which we excised because …
Simon Sharwood, 30 Apr 2015

UK's annual PCB waste = 81 HMS Belfasts, says National Physical Lab

We're obliged to reader Simon Moore for flagging up a heavyweight improbable measurement unit, deployed by the National Physical Laboratory in an attempt to quantify the amount of printed circuit board waste dumped into UK landfills every year in terms of Royal Navy light cruisers. According to this enlightening report into the …
Team Register, 29 Apr 2015
One Direction's Salt Lake City / West Valley concert in 2013. Image credit: TheMikeRob.Tumblr.com/PicktureThat.com

Hawking hologram comforts One Direction fans with Zayny parallel universe claim

It turns out there's more than one direction One Direction could be heading in, after megaboffin Stephen Hawking comforted fans with the claim that Zayn Malik may still be in the band in a parallel universe. The theoretical physics professor was beamed via hologram from Cambridge, England to the Sydney Opera House in Oz to …
Kelly Fiveash, 28 Apr 2015

China tackles vital strippers-at-funeral problem

The Chinese Ministry of Culture has announced that the government will begin working with the police to clamp down on families hiring strippers for funerals in order to increase in size (dare we say 'arouse') mourner attendance figures. In a statement on Thursday, the ministry stiffs said they would be paying close attention to …
clawfoot_bath_cropped

Love-rat fanboi left bobbing for Apples in tiny Japanese bath

A Japanese love-rat's misdeeds have left him, and his iGizmos, in hot water. His scorned lover seems to have taken issue with his flirting with another woman and suffered a bit of a kernel panic, attacking her fanboi where it would hurt most – his beloved collection of overpriced blahware – before compounding his humiliation by …

Stateside security screeners sacked for squeezing 'sexy' sacks

Two security strokers screeners at Denver airport got the boot after investigators were tipped off about gratuitous groin groping of certain male travellers, a police report reveals. The Office of Inspection of the Transportation Security Administration (TSA) were informed of the pair’s pervy prowess and did a little probing of …
Paul Kunert, 16 Apr 2015

Bloke hits armadillo AND mother-in-law with single 9mm round

A Georgia man who took a 9mm pistol to an armadillo also managed to pop a cap in his wife's mum after the round ricocheted off the animal, "hit a fence, went through the back door of his mother-in-law's mobile home, through a recliner she was sitting in, and into her back". According to cops, 54-year-old Larry McElroy pulled off …
Lester Haines, 14 Apr 2015
Brando wooden cross Flash drive

Aussie priest BLESSES an APP – and the sacred iPad it runs on

The Catholic Archdiocese of Adelaide has claimed a world first by blessing an app and the iPad it runs on. The app is no mere piece of code, but instead serves as a heavenly guide to the life of St Mary of the Cross MacKillop, Australia's first saint. The app guides users along a righteous path through Adelaide, retracing the …
Simon Sharwood, 14 Apr 2015

National Grid's new designer pylon is 'too white and boring' – Pylon Appreciation Society

The UK's National Grid has planted the first of its new "T-pylons" — an elegant alternative to the traditional steel lattice monsters currently straddling Blighty's green and pleasant land. The T-pylon was born from a 2011 competition won by Danish architects Bystrup, who came up with a 35 meter-high monopole base design, …

Google wants Marvin the Paranoid Android's personality in the cloud

Someone at the Chocolate Factory doesn't realise that Douglas Adams wrote satire, and has patented replaceable robot personalities. In US Patent 8,996,429, filed in 2012 and published on March 31, Google's Anthony Francis and Thor Lewis propose a robot that “may be configured to tailor a personality for interaction with the user …
Disney's Beagle Boys

Idiot thieves walk free after stolen iPad uploads pics of them with loot

Vid A pair of thieving dolts – caught after selfies taken on a stolen iPad were automatically uploaded to the owner's iCloud account – have been spared jail after pleading guilty to felony charges of theft. Dorian Walker-Gaines, 20, and Dillian Thompson, 22, each pleaded guilty to stealing cash and consumer electronics from the …

Astronomers battle plague of BLADE-WIELDING ROBOTS

Updated Radio astronomers have moved to block the roll-out of an army of robotic lawnmowers in a submission to the US Federal Communications Commission (FCC). The boffins claim that iRobot's deployment of the machines will interfere with their federally-funded radio astronomy. iRobot, well known for the Roomba robot vacuum cleaner but …

US law enforcement rushes to assist bumbling Canuck pirates

Crewmates of a replica Canadian pirate ship were rescued last week by US coast guards after the vessel’s engine shut off. Coast guards rescued nine pirates from the Canadian tall ship Liana's Ransom after receiving notification that the vessel's engines were disabled and its sails were wrapped around the mast. As the weather …
Kat Hall, 7 Apr 2015

V&A Museum shows Guardian's destroyed MacBook as ART

The remains of computer hardware which had contained the Guardian's London trove of Snowden documents – and which was destroyed on the rather spiteful demands of GCHQ personnel – have gone on display at the Victoria and Albert (V&A) Museum. While the frankly unremarkable remnants of a MacBook Air are uninteresting in and of …
Booth babe banhammer

Bye bye, booth babes. IT security catwalk RSA nixes sexy outfits

The organizers of this year's RSA security conference have made at least one thing clear to exhibitors: no booth babes. The industry shindig has sent out a new dress code banning scantily clad models, regardless of gender, from wandering the show floor. The rules dictate that exhibitors cannot wear shorts, tank tops and halter …
Shaun Nichols, 26 Mar 2015

Blockhead fugitive Snapchats himself into police custody

The Somerset County Sheriff's Office in Maine cuffed burglary suspect Christopher Wallace this Sunday, following an extraordinary burst of Snapchat buffoonery from the 24-year-old. Several weeks ago the police department made it known that they were seeking Wallace in connection with a burglary. They had been unable to locate …
DJI Phantom 2 Drone

Drug drone not high enough: Brit lags' copter snared on prison wire

The first recorded attempt to smuggle drugs into a British prison using a drone has ended in failure – after the gear-bearing gizmo got tangled in razor wire. "We were called to reports that a small drone had been discovered alongside a package in netting above a perimeter wall at HMP Bedford at 11.30pm on March 6," a …
Iain Thomson, 23 Mar 2015

Layla enjoys a Sanskrit makeover: Clapton set to become one of several Gods

Indian musician Krish Ashok is pleasing ears worldwide with a Sanskrit version of Eric Clapton's classic Layla, dubbed लीला, or "Leela". However, while the track is an agreeable homage to the original, its linguistic reach is limited. According to the ever-reliable Wikipedia, while Sanskrit is a recognised language in India, …
Lester Haines, 23 Mar 2015

Woman caught on CCTV performing drunken BJ blew right to privacy

Ofcom has rejected a claim that Channel 4 infringed the privacy of a pregnant Southampton woman by broadcasting CCTV footage of her administering drunken oral pleasure to a chap in a tower block lift. "Ms K" lodged a complaint of "unwarranted infringement of privacy" to the TV watchdog regarding the 9 June 2014 episode of CCTV: …
Lester Haines, 20 Mar 2015
Sir Paul McCartney. Pic: kubacheck, Flickr

You – yes, YOU – can now 3D print your very own Paul McCartney

3D model of Sir Paul McCartney 3D model ... Sir Macca Sir Paul McCartney has made himself available to download and print as a 3D figure. You read that correctly. The Beatles legend was given a body scan as part of the Hope For The Future single he released last year. The video and song, created for the game Destiny, could …

Watchdog slaps American Apparel's youthful naked arse

The UK's Advertising Standards Authority has ordered US clothing outfit American Apparel to pull a snap from its website which featured a prominent pair of youthful buttocks promoting the "Lips Print Cotton Spandex Sleeveless Thong Bodysuit". A cropped version of the offending image The watchdog received a single complaint …
Lester Haines, 18 Mar 2015
The reverse cowgirl

Watching porn makes men BETTER in bed, say trick-cyclists

It's widely believed that watching more porn tends to be a bad thing for a man's performance in real-world boudoir athletics: but a new study by trick-cyclists in Montreal suggests that in fact the reverse may be true. The study involved 280 Montreal men, who were asked how much porn they viewed in a week (with some apparently …
Lewis Page, 18 Mar 2015

Bride legs it from wedding after groom proves unable to add up

An Indian bride left her wedding ceremony after her gormless fiance failed to answer a simple maths question, it's being reported. Local police were called in to mediate the returning of gifts, including jewellery, which had been exchanged dowry-fashion between the families before the wedding. During the ceremony in Rasulabad, …
Terry Pratchett

Sir Terry remembered: Dickens' fire, Tolkien's imagination, and the wit of Wodehouse

Obit Sir Terry Pratchett has left us at the age of 66, but he has gifted the next generation a massive archive of fiction and non-fiction that will delight, amuse and inform readers for years to come. It's a sad day at the El Reg offices, many of us were devoted fans. He was born on April 28, 1948, and wrote fiction as a teen. At 17 …
Iain Thomson, 12 Mar 2015
Sir Terry Pratchett

RIP Sir Terry Pratchett: Discworld author finally gets to meet DEATH

Sir Terry Pratchett, author of more than 70 books including the hugely popular Discworld series, has died at his home in the company of his family and cat. He was 66. Terry took Death’s arm and followed him through the doors and on to the black desert under the endless night. — Rhianna Pratchett (@rhipratchett) March 12, 2015 …
Iain Thomson, 12 Mar 2015
Hello Barbie

Mattel urged to scrap Wi-Fi mic Barbie after Register investigation

Privacy activists are urging Mattel to axe its Hello Barbie doll, which sends recordings of children's voices across the internet for voice-recognition analysis. The improbably proportioned doll is fitted with a small embedded computer, a microphone, a speaker and a Wi-Fi interface. When the toy's belt buckle is pressed, Barbie …
Iain Thomson, 12 Mar 2015

'Roly poly' soft, wobbly robot BANGS EXPLOSIVELY, leaps 0.5m in air

Boffins at the Institute for Chemical and Bioengineering at Zurich have developed an “untethered, jumping, roly-poly” soft robot powered by explosive gases. Soft Robotics is a field of bio-inspired robotics which derives its inspiration from animals such as starfish, worms, squid and octopuses. Avoiding the use of hard …

'Hi, I'm from Microsoft and I am GOING TO KILL YOU'

Apparently, the growing hobby of tagging along with “Microsoft tech support” scam calls to waste their time is starting to bug the scammers, with a Canadian man reportedly threatened by a caller from India. The Canadian Broadcasting Corporation (CBC) says Jakob Dulisse of Nelson in British Columbia played along with the caller …

Storm in a K-Cup: My SHAME over the eco-monster I created, says coffee pod inventor

The inventor of the increasingly popular – and apparently environmentally unfriendly – coffee pod feels guilty about his invention. John Sylvan came up with the idea of the Keurig coffee machines back in the 1990s, complete with its little self-contained coffee pods, K-Cups, that you stick in the machine to brew a mug. He sold …

£280k Kickstarter camera trigger campaign crashes and burns

Backers of a Kickstarter campaign which raised a whopping £290k for the development of the Triggertrap Ada modular camera trigger have been left furious and seriously out of pocket after the company behind the product announced it couldn't deliver and would refund just 20 per cent of punters' cash. The Triggertrap Ada …
Lester Haines, 4 Mar 2015

Reg exec in deluxe roo-skin pen case beernami trauma

We're shaken to report that El Reg big cheese Linus "Fish Fingers"* Birtles yesterday suffered a traumatic beernami which left the contents of his executive leather case "totally f@@k€d". Linus's leather bag after the beernami Speaking to our Bootnotes department while recuperating with a very large brandy at the bar of a …
Lester Haines, 4 Mar 2015

Atomic keyring's eerie blue glow lights SPB lab

The news last week that El Reg merchandising tentacle Cash'n'Carrion had sourced new tritium-powered glowrings prompted some atomic-powered nostalgia from those readers who'd bought the original Traser. Way back in 2002, we laid our hands on a big batch of these novelty keyrings, and promptly shifted thousands of them. No …
Lester Haines, 3 Mar 2015

Tulsa woman bludgeons man mercilessly with laptop

This is not a good way to come out of deep sleep. A US man was awoken from his drunken stupor by the pain of his girlfriend sinking her fangs into his gentleman’s sausage and bludgeoning him with her laptop. The incident took place in Tulsa, Oklahoma on 19 February, following a boozy session and subsequent argument between Amber …
Paul Kunert, 2 Mar 2015

Google pulls out of gaping Blogger smut black hole

Google has backed down on its frigid threat to tug filthy porno pics and raunchy grumble vids off Blogger. The ad giant on Thursday said it will continue to allow randy netizens to post amateur smut, reversing an earlier decision forbidding X-rated blog posts unless they were deemed arty and acceptable to Mountain View's censors …
Shaun Nichols, 27 Feb 2015