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Ardbeg head distiller Dr Bill Lumsden in his lab

Jim Beam me up, Scotty! WHISKY from SPAAACE returns to Earth

A Scottish distillery is celebrating the return of the first ever space-matured batch of whisky. Back in 2011, the Islay-based Ardbeg distillery sent several vials of whisky to the International Space Station, where they were spun around the earth at 17,227 mph, orbiting 15 times a day for almost three years. The astronauts up …
Jasper Hamill, 28 Oct 2014
Newton MessagePad 120 - logo

Now: The REAL APPLE NEWS you need to know

Apple Watch? Bah humbug. Bonk to pay? Boring. So what's the real Apple news today, you ask? Well, the birthplace of one of world's most famous pieces of fruit is up for a prestigious award. No, not the garage where Steve Jobs smoked joints and watched Woz the Great and Powerful build the first ever Apple computers. We're …
Jasper Hamill, 27 Oct 2014

UNCHAINING DEMONS which might DESTROY HUMANITY: Musk on AI

Electro-car kingpin and spacecraft mogul Elon Musk has warned that meddling with Artificial Intelligence risks "summoning the demon" that could destroy humanity. The Musky motor trader is terrified that humanity will end up creating a synthetic monster that we cannot control. And no, the SpaceX billionaire didn't warn us about …
Jasper Hamill, 27 Oct 2014

FATTIES: Boffins say their miracle sunshine skin cream 'prevents obesity'

Swingbellies: Take heed! An international team of top boffins say they have found that sunlight can reduce weight gain - and that they can duplicate the effect with a skin cream. "Exposure to moderate amounts of sunshine may slow the development of obesity," a university statement announcing the research says. And it goes on: …
Lewis Page, 27 Oct 2014
Suri Cruise poop

Let's make an app that POSTS your POO to APPLE HQ

CoTW Can we build an app that automatically delivers large quantities of human excrement to Apple's doorstep? That is the question frothing on fanbois' lips as we enter another Comment of the Week. On last week's exclusive announcement of the new “bump to dump” app Ploppr, silver-badged commentard Pen-y-gors opened the batting with …
Gareth Corfield, 26 Oct 2014
Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II, aged 81, of the United Kingdom. Photo taken during a visit in NASA’s Goddard Space Flight Center. Greenbelt, Maryland, USA

Not a loyal follower of @BritishMonarchy? You missed The QUEEN*'s first Tweet

Here it is: It is a pleasure to open the Information Age exhibition today at the @ScienceMuseum and I hope people will enjoy visiting. Elizabeth R. — BritishMonarchy (@BritishMonarchy) October 24, 2014 There's intense debate in some quarters as to whether Her Majesty pressed the button herself or not, with the Tweet …
Lewis Page, 24 Oct 2014
Queen Elizabeth photobombs members of the Australian hockey team at the Commonwealth Games

Adorkable overshare of words like photobomb in this year's dictionaries

Adorkable, photobomb, overshare, Tinder. What do these words have in common? Apart from being ridiculous portmanteaus and brand names that have made their way into common usage, they’re also words that will feature in this year’s new dictionaries. Queen Elizabeth photobombs members of the Australian hockey team at the …

Boffins who stare at goats: I do believe they’re SHRINKING

Climate change may be causing alpine goats to shrink in size, according to biologists at Durham University. Researchers analysed records of alpine animal sizes to discover that Chamois goats now weigh 25 per cent less than they did back in the '80s. Dr Tom Mason from the School of Biological and Biomedical Sciences at Durham …
Team Register, 23 Oct 2014

FedEx helps deliver THOUSANDS of spam messages DIRECT to its Blighty customers

Fed-up FedEx customers in the UK were hit by an email storm yesterday, after a sad sap at the delivery company mistakenly hit the reply-all button on a daily alerts mailing list. Inevitably, it was then besieged by jokers, spammers and idiots replying with the request to be removed from the list. Reg reader, Nick, who flagged …
Team Register, 21 Oct 2014
Sheep

STONER SHEEP get the MUNCHIES after feasting on £4k worth of cannabis plants

A flock of sheep that are about to meet their maker at the abattoir got high on cannabis plants worth £4,000, after the drugs were ditched in a Surrey field. "My sheep weren't quite on their backs with legs in the air but they probably had the munchies," farm shop manager Nellie Budd told local rag the Surrey Mirror. "They …
Team Register, 20 Oct 2014
Space pizza

Space exploration is just so lame. NEW APPS are mankind's future

CoTW What's more important: Angry Birds or the Space Shuttle? According to one Register commentard, it's the former. No, really - and yes, it's time for Comment of the Week once again. Silver-badged commentard Irongut opened this week's batting after weighing in on the news that Martha Lane Fox, or Baroness Lane-Fox of Soho, doesn't …
Gareth Corfield, 19 Oct 2014

Win a year’s supply of chocolate (no tech knowledge required)

There is no techie angle to this competition, so we're not going to pretend there is. Everyone loves chocolate, though, so who cares? One of the makes of chocolate Cocoa Runners sells is Pump Street, which is made in Orford The prize is a one-year subscription to Cocoa Runners chocolate service. Each month you get a box of …
Simon Rockman, 18 Oct 2014
Cassette tape exposed

Internet finally ready to replace answering machine cassette tape

2015 will see the internet finally replace an answering machine that uses cassettes as its storage medium, or at least the answering machine used by alt.rock outfit They Might Be Giants' iconic Dial-A-Song service. They Might Be Giants created Dial-A-Song in 1983 when one member broke his wrist and the other's home was burgled. …
Simon Sharwood, 17 Oct 2014

The iPAD launch BEFORE it happened: SPECULATIVE GUFF ahead of actual event

LiveBlurt It's just the most exciting sort of news there is: the Apple launch had the world a-jism all through yesterday UK time, before its entirely predictable events had even begun to unfold. Obviously it would be madness to simply wait until the announcement and then mention anything which was actually new in the form of a brief …
Team Register, 16 Oct 2014
An estate agent hands keys to a couple after house sale. Photo by Shutterstock

Down-under record: Australian gets $140k for pussy

A down-under record has been achieved as an enterprising Australian seller has succeeded in obtaining no less than OZ$140k for a much-loved pussy. The feline in question, named "Tiffany", was apparently so desirable to the buyer of a $2m house on the Antipodean subcontinent that an extra $140k was added to the price on condition …
Team Register, 16 Oct 2014

Facebook's Zuckerberg in EBOLA VIRUS FIGHT: Billionaire battles bug

Mark Zuckerberg says he is donating $25m of his own money to the US Centers for Disease Control Foundation to help fund the fight against Ebola in Africa. The Facebook founder, whose net worth is estimated at around $33bn, said he and wife Priscilla Chan will give 0.075 per cent of that sum to combat the deadly disease, which is …
Neil McAllister, 14 Oct 2014
Urinating deer

Swiss wildlife park serves up furry residents to visitors

A wildlife animal park in Switzerland has hit upon a novel idea to ensure its restaurants don’t run out of food, by serving up meat from some of the exhibits. The Langenberg, nestled to the west of Lake Zurich, houses brown bears, wolves, elk, wild boar and other beasties, but as well as gawping at their majesty, visitors can …
Paul Kunert, 12 Oct 2014

Red Bull does NOT give you wings, $13.5m lawsuit says so

A website set up by Red Bull to allow its caffeine guzzling consumers to stake a claim to a multi-million dollar award for failing to get the wings its ad slogan promised, crashed under the weight of interest. The Austria-based drinks maker is to settle US lawsuits out of court, brought by a long-time user, Benjamin Careathers, …
Paul Kunert, 11 Oct 2014
Hawk hits drone

Bird of HEY.... that's MY DRONE! Hawk attacks geek's quadcopter in nature v machine clash

Vid A man in the Boston area of the United States has captured remarkable footage of a hawk strike – at the expense of his quadcopter drone. Christopher Schmidt said he was flying his hobby craft in Cambridge earlier this week when a hawk began to circle. Schmidt, who equipped the quadcopter with a GoPro camera, said he powered down …
Shaun Nichols, 11 Oct 2014

ePassport to Transnistria: NEXTIFYING the Nation State with BONG

¡Bong! [The story so far: Bong has summoned the world's most sought after enterpreneurs and thinkfluencers to Transnistria for the first Disruptive Mindfulness Unsummit. But... why?] The sea of mud stretched in every direction. Ancient, rusty Soviet tractor parts mocked us with their silent tales of record-breaking production …
Steve Bong, 10 Oct 2014

Trolls have DARK TETRAD of personality defects, say trickcyclists

Are you a fan of "everyday sadism"? Then you might just be a troll, according to the boffins responsible for a study which looked into the habits of these comment thread Caligulas. In a study called "Trolls Just Want To Have Fun", eggheads from the University of Manitoba asked 1,200 online trolls what they like doing best. …
Jasper Hamill, 10 Oct 2014
Woman looks immensely happy while staring into blank screen of unplugged monitor

HOT BABES! Worried you won't get that JOB in IT? MENTION how hot you are

Who says the fields of psychology and business studies produce nothing but worthless waffle? A top professor of psychobiz has solved one of the most pressing problems facing humanity today: that of the terrible discrimination faced by attractive women when they try to get jobs which are perceived as being traditionally masculine …
Lewis Page, 8 Oct 2014
Apple's new Cupertino campus – floor plan

APPLE still building fanbois CULT HQ in Cupertino, it seems

The new Apple Fruit Loop HQ is taking shape, with the foundations laid and the building now resembling the ruined monolithic gathering place of a once mighty Pagan cult. Which, of course, is kind of what the Apple Campus II will be when completed. Inside will burn the eternal flame of Steve Jobs, stoked by the whispy dreams of …
Jasper Hamill, 7 Oct 2014
iPhone 6 Plus opened up

Apple's iPhone 6 can REVERSE BALDNESS (and cause it, too)

We've all suspected Apple's Jesus Phone can perform miracles, but few of us suspected it could perform the remarkable task of causing hairs to grow from bald men's heads. But now it has emerged that a number of bald men have claimed the new iPhone 6 Plus has ripped hairs from their fur-free noggins. Seeing as they don't appear …
Jasper Hamill, 6 Oct 2014
Metal Storm on a robot

Man brings knife to a gun fight and WINS

There are two things generally thought to be true. First, you should never bring a knife to a gun fight. Second, the machines are on the rise and puny humanity is set to be exterminated in an orgy of mechanised slaughter not too far in the future. Well it's a topsy turvy world, my friends, and these days it's pretty hard to know …
Lewis Page, 6 Oct 2014
Win8 Metro Screen

Dear Reg readers. I want Metro tiles to replace ALL ICONS in Windows. Is this a good idea?

CoTW UX. Two little letters that cause so much angst, frustration and passion to spill over. Especially if someone suggests that tiles are a feature of Windows which should be extended over everything. Our beloved commentards, full of peace, love and goodwill towards their fellow internet users, were really very unimpressed with the …

Ingredient found in TASTY BEER is GOOD for your BRAIN

It may come as a surprise to anyone nursing a hangover, but beer might actually be good for your brain. Boffins at Oregon State University found that a chemical called xanthohumol, which is found in hops, improved "cognitive function" related to the memory of mice. Xanthohumol is a flavanoid, a class of compounds which are …
Jasper Hamill, 2 Oct 2014

SLOSH! Cops dethrone suspect - by tipping over portaloo with him inside

Vid The careers of four US cops could be flushed down the pan after they tipped over a portable toilet while a man was inside it. Four officers from the Memphis Police Department have been suspended after pushing over the portable potty. Inside was 31-year-old Joseph Hampton, whom the cops suspected of criminal trespass and evading …
Jasper Hamill, 2 Oct 2014

Japan develops robot CHEERLEADERS which RIDE on BALLS

A major electronics company in Japan has developed a team of robot cheerleaders which are designed to seat themselves atop balls and carry out vigorous coordinated manoeuvres, thus: “We developed the Murata Cheerleaders to demonstrate our electronics technologies,” enthuses Koichi Yoshikawa, Senior Manager of Corporate …
Team Register, 29 Sep 2014
Double Facepalm; when one facepalm is not enough.

Emma Watson should SHUT UP, all this abuse is HER OWN FAULT

CoTW What should you do when a mature and sensible website like The Register (stop that sniggering at the back) offers you an anonymous commenting option? Why, abuse it flagrantly to blame the victim, of course! First, though, before the tidal wave of infuriated outrage clicking the headline reaches the commentard in question and …
Gareth Corfield, 28 Sep 2014

Bruges Booze tubes to pump LOVELY BEER underneath city

The Belgian city of Bruges has approved plans to build a pipeline which will funnel beer underneath its famous cobbled streets. Locals and politicians were fed up with huge lorries clattering through the cobbled streets and tiny canal paths of the picturesque city and decided to connect the De Halve Maan brewery to a bottling …
Jasper Hamill, 26 Sep 2014

Let it go, Steve: Ballmer bans iPads from his LA Clippers b-ball team

Steve Ballmer says he doesn't have huge changes planned for the Los Angeles Clippers, his newly acquired pro basketball team, but he does want them to quit using Apple products. "Most of the Clippers are on Windows, some of the players and coaches are not," the former Microsoft CEO told Reuters, without naming names. Although …
Neil McAllister, 25 Sep 2014
The new Twitter logo. Pic: Twitter

Amazon: Wish in one hand, Twit in the other – see which one fills first

Amazon users can now add items to their wish lists via a Twitter hashtag. The web souk said customers can link their Twitter accounts with their Amazon profiles, and automatically send tweeted links into their Amazon wish list of desired stuff. Under the new system, users can reply to Tweeted links of Amazon products with a # …
Shaun Nichols, 25 Sep 2014

Are you a fat boy? Get to university NOW, you PENNILESS SLACKER

Being a fat teenager is not pleasant. Your school chums will bully you, adults and kids will fat-shame you and you’ll live in a perpetual nightmare of sweaty guilt and impotent rage, punctuated by periodic beatings and ritual humiliation. And to make things even worse, you’ll earn less than everyone else when you grow up. …
Team Register, 25 Sep 2014
emma watson

Emma Watson urges UN to back feminism – trolls threaten to leak her 'nude selfies'

At the weekend, actress Emma Watson gave a well-argued and reasoned speech to the UN calling for better relations between the sexes. And lo, internet trolls appear to have set up a website threatening to release nude photographs of the Harry Potter star. The site, www.emmayouarenext.com, features a 4chan logo, a badly rendered …
Iain Thomson, 23 Sep 2014
Buckworth's doodles

Oz carrier Tiger Air takes terror alerts to new heights

If you plan to fly in Australia, at least try to act as if you take the threat of terrorism seriously, or you might get hauled off the plane, handed over to the cops, and banned from an airline. It's with some incredulity that The Register reports that one Oliver Buckworth, who doodled that “In a land of melting ice-cream, sandy …

Oi, London thief. We KNOW what you're doing - our PRECRIME system warned us

Italian boffins claim to have devised a method of predicting future crime trends in London using creepy footfall data collected by a mobile phone provider. A team at the University of Trento said they are able to work out whether an area will have a low or high crime rate with an accuracy of 70 per cent. The researchers' …
Jasper Hamill, 19 Sep 2014
steve jobs

Does this float your boat? Dead Steve Jobs to hijack yachts from BEYOND THE GRAVE

Apple cofounder Steve Jobs shuffled off this mortal coil in 2011, but his name is living on in patent filings. The patient and endearing CEO is listed as a co-inventor in a US patent application that describes a handheld gadget remotely controlling a large boat. The filing sets out a system in which a tablet or smartphone can …
Shaun Nichols, 18 Sep 2014

Top Gear Tigers and Bingo Boilers: Farewell then, Phones4U

"Their marketing seemed to be aimed at the more erm ... chav infested end of the market", wrote one Reg reader on the demise of Phones4U, which went into administration on Sunday. But the drinking classes needs phones too, and why shouldn't they have them? Phones4U catered to this need very astutely, and with more care than any …
Andrew Orlowski, 18 Sep 2014
Nervous girl bites nails

WRISTJOB LOVE BONANZA: justWatch sex app promises blind date hookups

Back in the bad old days when men were men and women were, well, a bit more relaxed, new forms of technology generally ushered in equally new ways of watching other folk having sex. Few older gents can forget the VHS and Betamax era, because it allowed them to linger over hours of grumble movies starring a host of lovelies and …
Jasper Hamill, 17 Sep 2014

Every billionaire needs a PANZER TANK, right? STOP THERE, Paul Allen

Microsoft co-founder Paul Allen has launched legal action against a firm he has accused of failing to properly sell him a World War II German panzer tank. Don't worry, Allen hasn't gone all tinfoil hat and decided to start a militia. He merely wants to buy a rare German tank for the collection of the Flying Heritage Collection …
Jasper Hamill, 16 Sep 2014
Tim Cook as Miss Havisham

Apple's Mr Havisham: Tim Cook says dead Steve Jobs' office has remained untouched

Despite Apple cofounder Steve Jobs being dead nearly three years now, current Apple CEO Tim Cook has left Jobs' fourth-floor office at Apple untouched since his passing, a new interview has revealed. Cook made the revelation during a wide-ranging talk with broadcaster Charlie Rose that will air on the PBS TV network in the US …
Team Register, 13 Sep 2014