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Man wrapped in turqouise cable-knit blanket sips from hot drink - is clearly ill. Photo by Shutterstock

Five-a-day energy drink habit turned chap's eyes yellow, urine dark, caused anorexia

Don't overdo the energy drinks: even five a day can hammer the liver. That's the warning from the British Journal of Medicine, which carries a case study of a 50-year-old American who turned up with hepatitis caused by niacin toxicity. The dangerous number of gives-you-wings-rockstar-monster-whatever each day would, we dare …
A Red Arrow, BAE Systems Hawk T Mk.1. Pic: Shutterstock

What should the Red Arrows' new aircraft be?

Poll The Red Arrows aerobatic team will get new aircraft when their ageing Hawk T1s finally give up the ghost, the British Ministry of Defence said Tuesday. What should replace the Hawks, though? The venerable jet has been the mainstay of the Reds' fleet since 1979, wowing crowds at air shows around the world with their nail-biting …

Hull's City of Culture firework freebie flares up

A stampede for free tickets to Hull’s UK City of Culture fireworks display this morning brought the website offering them to its knees – still, the organisers only had nearly four years to prepare. The northeast enclave, whose digital hub is said to be blossoming, was told in 2013 that 2017 would be the city's year in the …
Paul Kunert, 2 Nov 2016

Laser surgery ignites internal methane, burns patient down there

Mildly NSFW Tokyo University Medical Hospital has published a pair of reports explaining an incident that left a woman badly burned after surgery. The reports (PDF 1 and PDF 2) , which we've shoved through an online translate-o-tronic machine, tell the tale of a woman who last April underwent surgery known as a cervical conization. The …
China

Whoosh! China shows off J-20 'stealth' fighters and jet drones

China has showed off its new J-20 fighter in public for the first time along with two jet-powered unmanned aircraft, according to reports. Two of the J-20s made a flypast at the Zhuhai airshow in Guangdong province, as reported by the BBC and the Guardian. The Chengdu J-20 is regarded as China's answer to the US F-22, itself …

Three-commas Thiel expresses love for himself, Trump and downtrodden millionaires

Billionaire venture capitalist and professional contrarian Peter Thiel hailed a new political reality this morning with another public endorsement of fellow billionaire Donald Trump just days before the US elections. The Paypal cofounder and early Facebook investor travelled from Silicon Valley to Washington DC to hold a press …
Kieren McCarthy, 31 Oct 2016
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Birmingham sperm bank pulls plug after just a handful of recruits

The UK's only NHS sperm bank has stopped recruiting donors after a trawl for men prepared to schlep to Birmingham to make a deposit turned up a mere handful. The National Sperm Bank, based at the National Gamete Donation Trust and Birmingham Fertility Centre, at Birmingham Women's Hospital, was launched two years ago with a …
Clodagh Doyle, 28 Oct 2016
Boy writes a letter to Santa. Pic via Shutterstock

Could Heather from EastEnders turn on Kettering if Lohan is no-show?

The good burghers of Kettering have been left in a pre-Christmas tizzy as Lindsay Lohan appears to be on the brink of reneging on her promise to turn on the Northants powerhouse for Christmas. La Lohan had promised to flick the switch on the town’s Christmas lights back in June, after being accused of insulting the midlands …
Joe Fay, 28 Oct 2016
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Getting your tongue around foreign tech-talk is easier than you think

Something for the Weekend, Sir? I live in a bag-arse. Bag-arses are great places to live in. School-run monster trucks avoid them. Transient pedestrian litter-louts don’t even know they exist. Noisy buses and smelly lorries refuse to come anywhere near a bag-arse. The street sign even has “Bag-arse” proudly displayed under the name in bold red letters. Of …
Alistair Dabbs, 28 Oct 2016

Topless in-car selfie attempt climaxes with rear-end bonking

A young woman's attempt to take a topless selfie has ended up with a rear-end cop bonking. Miranda Kay Rader fell foul of Texas' City of Bryan Police Department has “after she collided with a parked patrol car last night.” “According to Rader she was sending photos through snapchat to her boyfriend,” says the department's …
Simon Sharwood, 28 Oct 2016

Vatican and musicians at odds over appropriate use of crematorium leftovers

The Vatican has put itself on a collision course with the rock music industry, after banning the spreading of human ash-ley remains. The declaration that spreading or storing crematoria scrapings, flies in the face of a upsurge of musicians’ innovative re-use of the mortal remains of deceased band members, fans, and indeed …
Clodagh Doyle, 26 Oct 2016
rhino warning pic. Pic via media centre at Yarra Trams

Aussie trams equivalent to 30 skateboarding rhinos

Reg Standards Bureau Ever wondered what the equivalent weight of a tram was in skateboarding rhinoceri? The answer is apparently 30, as any Aussie will tell you. rhino warning pic. Pic via media centre at Yarra Trams Pic via media centre at Yarra Trams The Beware The Rhino campaign (pictured) was created by Melbourne tram company to prevent …
Kat Hall, 25 Oct 2016

Accountant falls for sexy Nigerian email scammer, gives her £150k he cheated out of pal

A lonely beancounter has been jailed after he fell for what appears to be a classic Nigerian email scam, and conned £150,000 out of a friend so he could bankroll his fake damsel in distress. Brian Ridpath, of Willesborough, Kent, England, was fooled into believing the story of Lisa Johnson, who emailed him X-rated snaps and …

Paid Wikipedia-fiddling on wheels

It isn’t just feral estate agents who drape their cars with adverts. Reader James sent us this photo, which you may want to examine more closely if you’re an enthusiastic Wikipedian. The “London Biography Company” purports to boost your reputation on Wikipedia. On its website it claims clients are “FTSE100 CEOs, senior …
Andrew Orlowski, 24 Oct 2016
Two beer glasses clash and splash frothy beer into the air. Cheers! Photo by Shutterstock

Judge nailed for trying to bribe Fed with fizzy water (aka Bud Light)

A judge in North Carolina, US, has been convicted for attempting to bribe an FBI agent to pull his wife's text messages in exchange for two cases of flavored water – aka American light beer. Judge Arnold Jones II was found guilty of three charges related to his attempt convince an officer working with the FBI gang-busting task …
Shaun Nichols, 22 Oct 2016
RIO DE JANEIRO, BRAZIL - JULY 04, 2014: Pogba of France and Hoewedes of Germany during the World Cup Quarter-finals game between France and Germany in the Estadio Maracana. NO USE IN BRAZIL.

New measurement alert. The Pogba: 1,200Pg = NHS annual budget

Reg Standards Bureau Reporting on NHS expenditure today, the BBC's health correspondent Nick Triggle coined The Register's newest unit of measurement: The Pogba (Pg). The NHS is the second biggest area of public spending behind welfare. Last year, the Treasury handed over £118bn to the Department of Health in England - that is enough to buy more …
Liquor bottle. Pic: Shutterstock

Today is the 211th anniversary of the Battle of Trafalgar

Today marks the 211th anniversary of the Battle of Trafalgar, in which Admiral Horatio Nelson gave the combined naval might of France and Spain a bloody good kicking. The battle was fought off Cape Trafalgar, near Cadiz in south-west Spain. Admiral Nelson's fleet of 27 ships comprehensively defeated 33 French and Spanish …
Gareth Corfield, 21 Oct 2016
Boris saying 'I am invincible'! Pic: Eon Productions

Oh joy. You can now buy a gold plated quadcopter drone

Rich fools who like remote control toys can now splurge £20,000 buying a gold-plated DJI Phantom quadcopter, we are breathlessly told. Courtesy of Drones Direct, the remote-controlled drone is covered in 24 carat gold plate. In exchange for your 20 large you get the drone itself – branded theDJI Phantom 4 Gold Edition – the …
Gareth Corfield, 21 Oct 2016
Statler and Waldorf - copyright - The Walt Disney company - the muppets studio

What will happen when I'm too old to push? (buttons, that is)

Something for the Weekend, Sir? I'd like you to consider my underwear. As we move inexorably towards another Christmas – for American readers, I understand you prefer the euphemism "Holiday Season" for its more generous syllable-count – close relatives have begun asking what gifts I might like to receive on the big day. What I want, of course, is toys. …
Alistair Dabbs, 21 Oct 2016

'Doubly unacceptable' Swiss vegan forces his way into the army

A militant vegan has succeeded in forcing himself into the Swiss Army – and avoided paying extra tax as a result. Antoni Da Campo, a “strict vegan and member of Swiss animal rights organization PEA” had previously been rejected from the Swiss Army because the army would not cater for his vegan diet and because he refused to …
Gareth Corfield, 20 Oct 2016
Sonar scan of German submarine UB-85 wreck

Soz, folklore fans! Negligence, not Nessie, sank WWI German sub

A sunken German submarine from World War One has been found at the bottom of the Irish Sea – and excitable folk are claiming the Loch Ness Monster sank it. The official story of UB-85's sinking, as logged by the crew of Royal Navy sloop HMS Coreopsis and reproduced on authoritative U-boat history website uboat.net, is that she …
Gareth Corfield, 19 Oct 2016
Photo by Kgbo

Aussie Aussie Aussie, oi oi oi you, you're fired: Apple sacks staff secretly snapping shoppers

Apple fired staff from one of its Australian stores this week after they secretly snapped and shared photos of fellow workers and customers. The Brisbane Courier-Mail [paywalled] reports that employees at the city's Carindale mall Apple store were using iGizmos to take pictures of women and sharing the images among themselves …
Iain Thomson, 14 Oct 2016
Her Majesty the Queen. Crown copyright/MoD

Queen Lizzie awarded good behaviour medal

Her Britannic Majesty Queen Elizabeth the Second has been awarded the Long Service and Good Conduct medal for 65 years' military service without a criminal record. The news of Her Maj's gong, along with a similar one for her hubby Prince Philip, was rolled out in a government statement. Previously awarded to non-commissioned …
Gareth Corfield, 12 Oct 2016
Woman with "crying with laughter" emoji for a head... photo by Shutterstock

BSODs from around the world, from the wrist-job to public art

BSOD WATCH For those of you who asked why there was no BSOD collection last week, the answer is simple: it was a holiday weekend in Australia. We hope this week's offerings make up for it. If you're running shy on fuel and in a hurry, this offering in California would leave you thankful that at least the gas station has more than one …
Trump, photo by uplift the world via Shutterstock

You're fired (into space)! Trump tops Martian ejaculation poll

Donald Trump is Reg readers’ top candidate for firing to Mars according to a record poll result. The Reg last week offered you the chance to get rid of that certain somebody in your life by electing them for passage one of Elon Musk’s rockets to the red rock. Chances of coming back from that 55 million km trip? Not so much. …
Gavin Clarke, 7 Oct 2016

Boy, 12, gets €100k bill from Google after confusing Adwords with Adsense

A child in Spain has received a bill of €100,000 from Google after confusing its AdWords and AdSense services. José Javier, 12, had signed up for Google's AdWords programme in order to make money from advertisements placed alongside YouTube videos of his band, the Torrevieja llamada Los Salerosos – en inglés, the Torrevieja …
President Lisa Simpson face palm

When Pornhub meets the Internet of Fridges

We are indebted to "Lourdes" for this tweet. Omfg I'm at Home Depot and someone put pornhub on this refrigerator pic.twitter.com/BJgIOORZqC — Lourdes (@gossipgriII) September 29, 2016 The internet of fridges, huh! Head over to the comments to make your caption suggestion. ® President Lisa Simpson face palm
Drew Cullen, 4 Oct 2016
Flea Market

Markslist: Facebook touts its own tat bazaar

Facebook is looking to kill yet another reason to ever leave its walled garden with the launch of a classifieds service. The Facebook Marketplace will allow users to post item listings and then complete the sale outside of the social network. Users can post their ads for free and use the listings for either new or used items …
Shaun Nichols, 4 Oct 2016
smasher

Apple's Breaxit scandal: Frenchman smashes up €50,000 of iThings with his big metal balls

A French man has been charged after he stormed into an Apple store and smashed up iPhones and MacBooks using a metal ball that is more commonly used for the traditional game of pétanque. On Thursday, the 30-year-old marched into the Apple store located in Toison d'Or shopping Centre in Dijon carrying the steel ball in a gloved …
Iain Thomson, 30 Sep 2016
Man looks at his mobile - mildly surprised or shocked about something. Photo by shutterstock

Blighty's telly, radio watchdog Ofcom does a swear

NSFW UK comms regulator Ofcom has released in-depth research into the British public’s attitudes to fucking swearing. Researchers found that context is bloody everything and there is still strong support for the 9pm watershed, with less tolerance for anything but mildly offensive language and gestures before that time. Tone and …
John Oates, 30 Sep 2016
bomb

Portsmouth bomb about to be detonated

Dredgers clearing Portsmouth harbour in the UK have found yet another unexploded Second World War bomb. The 500kg device meant Pompey’s retail and chain boozer park Gunwharf Quays was evacuated at 11pm last night as a precaution. The bomb is being towed out into the Solent where it will be destroyed by controlled explosion. …
John Oates, 30 Sep 2016
Toilet with smiling loo paper

Dublin shopkeeper catches forecourt fouler with his pants down

An after midnight muckspreader who has been terrorising a Dublin* neighbourhood has been caught in the act by the very shopkeeper whose forecourt he’d been befouling. Alan Buckley, proprietor of Clever Buys in Finglas, plonked a toilet and a pallet of loo roll on the forecourt of his shop after a number of visits from the …
Clodagh Doyle, 30 Sep 2016
The Martian

One-way Martian ticket: Pick passengers for Musk's first Mars pioneer squad

Admit it. You were tempted to fulfil your sci-fi fantasy – no, not that one – and apply to Mars One Foundation to become a Red Planet pioneer three years back. That call saw 202,586 put their names forward to join a one-way trip starting in 2025. Elon Musk this week undercut Mars One, promising he’d land 100 pioneers on the …
Gavin Clarke, 30 Sep 2016

What’s that Sooty? You want a girlfriend?

The BBC Director-General was forced to intervene in a row over providing children’s puppet Sooty with a lady friend. A documentary on the creator of the Sooty Show Harry Corbett - nephew of fish and chip entrepreneur Harry Ramsden - revealed his suggestion of a female friend for his creation led to a massive row within the …
John Oates, 30 Sep 2016
London Underground's Holborn station, Central Line. Pic: Shutterstock

Londoners react with horror to Tube Chat initiative

London’s commuters were plunged into terror this week as a shadowy organisation attempted to turn decades of convention on its head by encouraging people to talk to one another. It’s over 140 years since the capital’s inhabitants first learned to keep their gobs shut on underground trains or face the prospect of social …
Clodagh Doyle, 29 Sep 2016
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What a time to be alive: Nissan reveals self-driving chair

POLL Nissan has revealed a thing called the “ProPILOT Chair” that it says exemplifies “the benefits of its intelligent mobility technology” because it “ automatically queues on behalf of its occupant, sparing them the hassle of standing in line.” As the video below shows, the chairs are packed with motion-sensing kit and can follow …
Simon Sharwood, 29 Sep 2016
Redback spider. Photo by shutterstock

Redback sinks fangs into Aussie's todger AGAIN... second time in five months

An Aussie builder has endured the agony of being bitten on the todger by a redback spider for the second time in five months*. The 21-year-old who asked not to be fully named, for obvious reasons, said that lightning had indeed struck twice in “pretty much the same spot” when used a portable loo on a building site in Sydney …
Paul Kunert, 28 Sep 2016
HMS Illustrious. Crown copyright/MoD

The wait is over: MoD releases latest issue of Ship Paint Monthly

Mad mags The Ministry of Defence's naval arm maintains a regular publication focused entirely on types and shades of paint. It is not a spoof – or if it is, someone's gone to some serious lengths on a windup. The magazine, snappily titled Warpaint, is an attractive coffee-break reading proposition, comprising 80 pages of black-and- …
Gareth Corfield, 28 Sep 2016
Doctors run to save patient. Photo by Shutterstock

Disney rollercoaster helps pop out kidney stones

A study from Michigan State University has found that a ride on a rollercoaster is just the ticket for those needing help in passing a kidney stone. More specifically, you need to get yourself to the Big Thunder Mountain Railroad at Disney World Florida. And you need to sit at the back. To verify their findings, the doctors …
John Oates, 27 Sep 2016
Facepalm, photo via Shutterstock

It's Pablo Pic-arsehole: Turner Prize wannabe hits rock bottom

A giant sculpture of a human arse, £20,000 in one-pence coins, and an off-the-shelf model train are some of the exhibits competing for this year's Turner Prize. The giant polystyrene posterior, by Anthea Hamilton, is based on a 1970s design for an entrance into a New York block of flats. Unveiling 2016 #TurnerPrize! @ …
Gareth Corfield, 27 Sep 2016
Man counts pounds and pence. Photo by Shutterstock

Matt LeBlanc handed £1.5m to front next two series of Top Gear

Former Friends star Matt MeBlanc has penned a £1.5m deal with licence fee payers of the BBC to front up Top Gear for the next two series. Joining the chisel jawed comedy actor are car journos Chris Harris and Rory Reid, along with regular guests including domineering ex-Formula One team boss Eddie Jordan, pro motor racer …
Paul Kunert, 26 Sep 2016
Image by KUCO http://www.shutterstock.com/gallery-111070p1.html

Silicon Valley’s top exorcist rushed off his feet as Demons infest California

A Catholic priest has said virtually all his free time is taken up with exorcisms these days as he struggles to counter the tide of demonic possession washing up Silicon Valley and the rest of Northern California. Father Gary Thomas, together with fellow exorcist Father Vincent Lampert, has been profiled in a lengthy piece in …
Joe Fay, 26 Sep 2016