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UN negotiations menaced by THOUSANDS of TOPLESS LADIES with MAYONNAISE

Sensitive international negotiations on arms control taking place in Geneva could be menaced by mobs of screaming, topless women throwing mayonnaise, according to one of the delegates. Mr Ivan Grinevich, representing the nation of Belarus, made the remarks on Tuesday during a meeting of the United Nations Conference on …
Lewis Page, 13 Feb 2015
Google Stink-o-tron

STINKY nerds: Sick of horrifying chums with your terrible BO? Nosey Google wants to help

Pic Google has been granted a patent on a device to detect when a person stinks – to help them evade others to avoid embarrassment. We would like to say that this is a loose interpretation of a more complicated patent, but that really is all there is to it: the web ad giant wants to tell when you flat out reek and how you can dodge …
Shaun Nichols, 13 Feb 2015

Reg hacks (and rest of 'Frisco) in LinkedIn measles contagion scare

LinkedIn has been linked to a measles scare in the San Francisco Bay Area. An employee of the network-for-suits has come down with the (preventable) disease, and could have exposed thousands riding on the city's subway system. Officials at the Bay Area Rapid Transit (BART) service have confirmed that a passenger riding the …
Shaun Nichols, 13 Feb 2015

Watch: China has made an internet censorship THEME SONG

Video Creating patriotic songs is an age-old solution to difficult problems, albeit one that is out of fashion in the Western world. Not so in China, which has just released a tremendous rousing tribute to its clean, clear and incorruptible internet. The song is performed by the Cyberspace Administration of China choral group, …
Kieren McCarthy, 12 Feb 2015

Lashed Saudi blogger Raif: Prince Charles has word with new king

The UK's Prince Charles has raised the issue of the fate of Saudi blogger Raif Badawi with Saudi Arabia's newly appointed King Salman during a six-day state visit to the region. Badawi was found guilty in 2013 of insulting Islam in Facebook posts and of running an online activist message board called Liberal Saudi Network that …
Iain Thomson, 12 Feb 2015
Taylor Swift

You'll NEVER guess who has bought I Taught Taylor Swift How To Give Head dot-com

In one of the most unlikely but intriguing domain registrations in recent years, pop star Taylor Swift has, it appears, registered ITaughtTaylorSwiftHowToGiveHead.com. No, really. The registration was sparked by Swift's lawyers threatening the owner of ITaughtTaylorSwift.com, run by, um, the man who taught Taylor Swift how to …
Kieren McCarthy, 11 Feb 2015

Swedish National Font marches to the sound of whalesong

LogoWatch A Strategy Boutique tasked by the Swedish government to come up with a new brand identity for the land of Abba and surströmming has spunked God alone knows how much wonga to create a "global brand identity" comprising the country's flag and the word "Sverige". The new Swedish brand frontage - with flag and shiny new font Key …
Lester Haines, 10 Feb 2015
Kicking Boston Dynamics' Spot

NERDS KICK PUPPY 'bot in brutal attack

Video K9 never had to put up with this type of thing: yowls of not-so-serious outrage have greeted the latest vid from bot-tastic US defence contractor Boston Dynamics. What the famous robotics outfit wants to demonstrate is that its latest product, Spot, has great stability and does a decent job of recovering from a momentary lack of …
Woman being eaten  by vacuum cleaner

Robot vacuum cleaner EATS WOMAN

Korean outlet The Kyunghyang Shinmum reports a robot vacuum cleaner has attempted to eat a local woman, starting with her hair. The woman appears to have been lying down on the floor of her home, having forgotten that her robot vacuum cleaner was set to patrol the area. Once the vacuum woke up, it sucked 5cm of her head hair …
Sopwith Pup RC Plane trench level view

Plane crash blamed on in-flight SELFIES

The USA's National Transportation Safety Board's (NTSB's) investigation into a 2014 light plane crash has come to the conclusion that the pilot may well have been distracted by selfie-taking passengers. The crash killed two people last May when a Cessna 150 came to grief in Colorado after “... the pilot experienced spatial …

Twin Adam Sandlers shake El Reg's movie unwatchablathon team

We recently and somewhat recklessly announced that we'd be eyeballing Gigli, Pearl Harbor and Battlefield Earth back-to-back, in an epic "unwatchablathon" designed to determine just how much cinematic drivel the human mind can handle in one sitting. Our beloved readers are to blame for prompting this audacious experiment, having …
Lester Haines, 4 Feb 2015
Mouse man

DARPA: We KNOW WHO YOU ARE... by the WAY you MOVE your MOUSE

The US's mad-tech military boffin unit is developing a form of biometric measurement based on how user handles a mouse. Behaviour-based biometrics, for example how a computer user handles their mouse or crafts an email, would add to the existing repertoire of authentication techniques. Existing authentication techniques include …
John Leyden, 3 Feb 2015
Game of Thrones Season One Blu-ray disc set

Spent the weekend watching Game of Thrones? You're a FAT LONELY SADDO

You thought it was harmless, didn't you? Settling down on the sofa, firing up your trusty smart TV, stream-o-dongle or similar - or for the retro types, unwrapping your new boxset of DVDs - and getting ready to burn up a day or two watching an entire telly series end to end. Well brace up, my sessile friend, because there's news …
Lewis Page, 2 Feb 2015
Japanese phone pants

#VultureTRENDING: YESS! It's Pantsr, the Sharing Economy super app that delivers on the BOTTOM line

Get ready for the latest sharing-economy sensation! We here at #VultureTRENDING have exclusive details of the newest business firestorm set to hit the headlines - and the BOTTOM lines! Yes - it's Pantsr! In the same way that Uber has helped people to monetise their otherwise unused vehicles, Ploppr has helped them monetise their …
What Linus Torvalds thinks of NVIDIA

'Linus Torvalds is UNFIT for the WORKPLACE!' And you've given the world what, exactly?

CoTW Pirates on copyright, state surveillance and Linux – another joyous week of your comments below the line. Yup, it's Comment of the Week time. An Anonymous Coward decided to have a go at the Linux in-crowd this week, hurling a hefty brick at Linus Torvalds after the Linux daddy said "I'm not a nice person and I don't care about …
Gareth Corfield, 24 Jan 2015

Nope. That's not our FAKE BOMB say Oz spooks and cops

For at least the third time in as many years, someone carrying real or fake explosives in a security training exercise has lost track of their cargo. Yesterday, that resulted in a full-scale security lockdown at Sydney's Circular Quay, the city's ground zero for tourism thanks to views of the city's iconic Harbour Bridge and …
Chicken Jalfrezi and rice with a beer. Pic by Shutterstock

Drinking to forget? OK. But first, eat a curry... QUICK!

If you've had the kind of Patch Tuesday that ends in a mass attack of BSODs, new vulns in Java and someone advertising your routes as traversing Norfolk Island, you're quite likely to head for the pub and thence to a curry. According to research published in Neuropsychopharmacology, is that one of curry's important active …

Wizard of Oz OFFICIALLY 'most significant movie' EVER, says PNAS

Researchers have used an interesting yardstick to determine that The Wizard of Oz is the most "significant" US movie ever, pipping Star Wars and Psycho into second and third spots in the significance league table. Forget the critics' opinion, audience figures or box office take: what really sets a film apart is the number of …
Lester Haines, 21 Jan 2015
The flying rooster seen in the stratosphere

SO. Which IS more important to humanity: Facebook, or Portugal?

Poll The Register, it would seem, has ruffled the feathers of some sensitive Portuguese folk by merely reporting the, er, facts as presented to us by consultancy outfit Deloitte, which – having been paid by Mark Zuckerberg's company – claimed that Facebook's global economic value was $227bn (stop sniggering at the back). Naturally, …
Kelly Fiveash, 20 Jan 2015
Cat on computer

Latest menace to internet economy: Gators EATING all the PUSSIES

Forget Norks, hacktivists and global cyber criminals, a far more clear and present danger is now threatening the future of the internet: a giant cat-eating alligator. As any student of the digital era will know, the sole reason that Tim Berners-Lee invented the web was in the first place was so people could eventually share …
Kat Hall, 20 Jan 2015
A hash

#CASHTAGS are a thing: you can now bank on Twitter

India's ICICI bank has launched a bank-by-Twitter service. The catchily-named “icicibankpay” service requires users to register a mobile phone number with the Bank and then follow the @ICICIBank Twitter account, in order to receive a one-time password as a direct message. Once the password's been confirmed, users can fire off …
Simon Sharwood, 20 Jan 2015

DVRs at the ready tonight: El Reg's motor Vulture is on the tellybox

Keen Reg readers will doubtless wish to line up one of their TV tuners* tonight to capture Inside Out at 19:30 on BBC1 (sadly only in London). The programme is to feature our own Simon Rockman, mobile and motoring correspondent, expounding on the experience of driving an electric car in the nation's capital. Here's a short clip …
Lewis Page, 19 Jan 2015

Alabama tops US teacher-pupil sex league

Alabama sits proudly at the top of the US teacher-pupil sex league, with one school employee per 193,975 residents being "accused or convicted" of engaging in illicit relations with a student during 2014. That's according to a enlightening study by Terry Abbott - "a former chief of staff of the U.S. Department of Education" - …
Lester Haines, 19 Jan 2015
BEAGLE 2 probe on Mars. Pic: University of Leicester

'Our AI systems must do what we want them to do'

QuoTW This week the remains of Blighty's missing Beagle 2 spacecraft, which has been out of sight for more than 11 years, was finally spotted on Mars. Despite the ex-probe having failed to deploy on the Red Planet as intended, Brit boffins hailed the mission a "great success." Being the first European space vehicle to perform a …
Kat Hall, 18 Jan 2015

Bacon-smoking locals provoke noxious Chinese smog

The city of Dazhou in China's southwestern Sichuan Province is taking a hard line on what it believes is a significant contributor to the metropolis's "lingering" smog – the traditional practice of smoking bacon. According to Xinhua, Dazhou has been suffering a nasty bout of persistent airborne PM2.5 particulates since the …
Lester Haines, 15 Jan 2015
Teddy the Guardian

$500 TEDDY BEAR teaches tots to spit up personal data

Babies can now enjoy the thrill of wearable health monitors, as well as giving away their personal data for free, thanks to the arrival of a $499 teddy bear called “Teddy The Guardian”. You read that right: the teddy's price is just one dollar shy of five hundred. You're paying the big bucks for the bear's “smart paw” that …
Simon Sharwood, 15 Jan 2015

Icelandic brewers knock up whale 'nad beer

Icelandic beer botherer Stedji has unsurprisingly rather annoyed conservationists with the imminent release of a winter brew flavoured with smoked whale testicles, Visir reports. The "Hvalur 2" brew comes on the heels of last winter's successful Hvalur ("Whale") concoction, which contained "among other things the viscera and …
Lester Haines, 13 Jan 2015

Preserve the concinnity of English, caterwauls American university

New words get added to the English language all the time: we're bombarded, inundated, overwhelmed by press releases from dictionary publishers in which such excrescences as listicle, clickbait and neckbeard are added to the collective vocab. But who ever spares a thought for the various excellent old words being pushed onto the …
Lewis Page, 13 Jan 2015
One Direction. Pic: Eva Rinaldi

Boybanders ONE DIRECTION launch DoS attack on open-source bods

Harry Styles and his pals in One Direction have launched a denial of service attack on an open source coding conference in Cardiff, with the band maliciously pinging tens-of-thousands of its teenage fans at the city on the same day as DjangoCon 2015. Organisers had planned the first UK version of the convention for people who …
Kat Hall, 12 Jan 2015
CES 1978

5 Times An 'Unhappy Person' Dared To Use The Word 'Boring' At CES 2015

BUZZGASM! 1: This Year, 69 Per Cent Of CES Attendees Protested Against Dull Speakers With Their Actual Eyelids at #CES #CES2015 when a poor moderator & a guest speaker are boring & don't get what the audience wants2hear you get pic.twitter.com/JqZPLydUWd — Bat-Ami Gordin (@zongrik) January 7, 2015 Sleepy follow! 2: 34 Per Cent Of …
Elephant

This boat can move 234,989 cubic pink elephants! (honest)

CoTW A big boat came to Britain this week, and boy oh boy did the BBC spaff its pants with joy. Following up on Al-Beeb's breathless report of the CSCL Globe making a port call at Felixstowe, our own Lester Haines of the Special Projects Bureau commented on the state broadcaster's Olympic-sized field day. As for you lot, however, …
Gareth Corfield, 11 Jan 2015

World's largest ship swallows 900 MEGATINS of baked beans

The BBC is having an Olympic swimming pool-sized field day at the news that the world's largest ship – the CSCL Globe - has docked at the Port of Felixstowe. According to Auntie, the China Shipping Container Lines-owned behemoth "is more than 400m (1,312ft) long, the equivalent of eight Olympic-size swimming pools", while its …
Lester Haines, 9 Jan 2015

Finally, some recognition: 'Selfi' snaps Spanish Word of the Year

The all-encompassing "selfie" has snapped the Fundéu BBVA's Spanish word of the year title for 2014, albeit in the leaner, meaner, and adapted form of selfi. The choice acknowledges the continuing influx of Anglicisms into Spanish, despite previous efforts to suggest that local constructs autofoto or autorretrato might serve to …
Lester Haines, 5 Jan 2015

Microsoft has made excellent software, you pack of fibbers

CoTW Happy New Year, one and all. This post-festive edition of Comment of the Week will gently drop you back into the simmering gloop of El Reg's commentardery, slicing and dicing the merely-bad along with the very worst of the below-the-line offerings. Cheers! Over the Christmas season our motoring correspondent Simon Rockman took a …

Bong Ventures will NEVER bow down to terrorism: Our Tough Stance in FULL

¡Bong! Ten days ago we disclosed to investors and partners that a huge cyber-attack on Bong Ventures LLC and its subsidiary companies had taken place. This resulted in a catastrophic loss of confidential information, correspondence, strategy documents, and animated movies catering to niche tastes which we only needed for research …
Steve Bong, 27 Dec 2014
Our artist's impression of how the bus-spotting terrorist bust may have looked

Buses? PAH. Begone with your filthy peasant-wagons

Comment A bus is a fantastically efficient way to move a large number of people. Buses however are not. They are a dreadful system for getting people to work. The difference is not as subtle as that sentence may make it seem. What lies behind it is that when you want to move a large number of people from one place to another all at once …
Simon Rockman, 27 Dec 2014
Hairy Dalek's Lego ZX81

2014: The condensed conference keynotes

Reg hacks travel the world and then ignore the local sights in order to attend giant, dark auditoria and listen to "industry champions" deliver "thought leadership". After a trans-continental telepathy session, here's our collective distillation of this year's C-level wisdom, as delivered from our industry's biggest stages. - Ed …
Simon Sharwood, 24 Dec 2014

Australia's future tech news headlines ... for 2016!

Today's the last day The Reg's Australian crew will bother showing up for work until the new year, making it the ideal opportunity to offer some insights into the future of the nation's IT industries and policies. We did it last year and reckon the results weren't horrid, so let's have another go, shall we? Data retention …
Triumph's solar power brassiere

Solar-powered bra maker suffers 20,000 TITSUPs all at once

Solar-powered bra manufacturer Triumph International has been forced to recall 20,000 solar-powered brassieres. The Swiss-based lingerie maker is best known for its bra that allows the wearer to become her own source of renewable energy via a detachable solar panel - providing much-needed support while simultaneously supporting …
Kat Hall, 23 Dec 2014
Guru at work

Woz moves to Oz

Apple co-founder Steve Wozniak has become a permanent resident of Australia. “Woz” has lived in Australia on and off for a few years now and recently picked up a gig as an adjunct professor at Sydney's University of Technology. According to The Australian Financial Review he's now taken the plunge and moved down under to become …
Simon Sharwood, 19 Dec 2014
Boring Christmas

Scrooges rejoice! Beancounters find formula for perfect Xmas party

If you’re planning a Christmas party and you’re the sort of miserly Scrooge type that doesn’t want to waste any money on excess Christmas crackers, science has got you covered. A trio of those party-loving statisticians has worked out the formula for the optimum number of crackers for a party to ensure that everyone wins one …
Team Register, 18 Dec 2014
The msianthropes card game

30,000 people buy a box of BOVINE EXCREMENT

Would you pay $6 for a box of shit? Fans of the "party game for horrible people", Cards Against Humanity did. On Black Monday, the company offered a special, one-day-only offer of a box which said “bullshit” on it. Nothing more, just Cards Against Humanity Bullshit. Customers ordered them in droves and internet rumours of a …
Simon Rockman, 17 Dec 2014