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Big Ben and Underground sign. Pic: Crown copyright/MoD

Blighty’s beloved Big Ben bell ends, may break Brexit bargain

Big Ben, the bell in the iconic clock tower on the north end of the Palace of Westminster, will fall silent for four years – and as a result the UK may not leave the European Union until 2021, if a government statement is to be trusted. The famous bongs, known around the world as an auditory symbol of Britain in general and …
Gareth Corfield, 14 Aug 2017
The submarine UC3 Nautilus. Pic: Frumperino, Wikipedia

World's largest private submarine in mystery sink accident

One of the world's only privately built submarines has reportedly sunk under mysterious circumstances on the Danish coast. The 33-ton diesel-electric boat, UC3 Nautilus, is said to have foundered after getting into difficulty in Køge Bay, around 25 miles southwest of Copenhagen. Prominent Swedish newspaper Aftonbladet wrote …
Gareth Corfield, 11 Aug 2017
Assange

Assange offers job to sacked Google diversity manifestbro

In his latest attempt to further the global alliance of weapons-grade bellends*, noted troll Julian Assange has offered a job at WikiLeaks to the Google staffer apparently fired for writing a wobbly diversity manifesto. Assange tweeted: "Censorship is for losers. @WikiLeaks is offering a job to fired Google engineer James …
Kat Hall, 08 Aug 2017

You had ONE job: Italian firefighters suspected of starting blazes for cash

Firefighters in Sicily have been accused of starting fires for money. The captain of a 15-person volunteer firefighter squad based in southern Italy was arrested on Monday on suspicion of fraud against the state and arson. The other 14 are also under investigation. According to a police report, members of the squad are …
Andrew Silver, 08 Aug 2017

Foot-long £1 sausage roll arrives

Hungry punters fed up with over-priced, under-sized artisan sausage rolls will be pleased to hear a foot-long (30.48cm) meat feast has now arrived costing, um, £1. Even poncey Southerns will be able to get their hands on the snack. Everybody who enjoys eating like they have a death wish can head to their nearest Morrisons as …
Kat Hall, 08 Aug 2017

Our day with Larry Page: Embedded with one of the world's richest men

Earlier this week, El Reg received an unexpected phone call from Google HQ inquiring as to whether we'd be interested in a "color piece" about Google cofounder and Alphabet CEO Larry Page. The invitation had nothing to do with criticism of Mr Page over his recent deposition in the ongoing Uber-Waymo lawsuit in which he seemed …
Kieren McCarthy, 05 Aug 2017
Sharks photo via Shutterstock

Trump as US president (in Sharknado 3)? Oh Hell No!

Donald Trump was reportedly in talks to play the president in the third incarnation of cult sci-fi disaster film Sharknado – until he welched on the deal to run for the real thing. According to entertainment news site Hollywood Reporter, the Donald had all but signed on the dotted line for Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No! when his …
Rebecca Hill, 03 Aug 2017
Game of Thrones

Ofcom: Blighty has devolved into a nation of unwashed binge-streaming mole people

Online streaming has freed consumers from the tyranny of gawping at the crap telly other family members insist on watching, with one-third regularly sitting together in the same room to watch different programmes – according to a major report by Ofcom. Of the 2,356 surveyed, only 30 per cent said they sit together with family …
Kat Hall, 03 Aug 2017
rentboy.com warning screen

RentBoy.com boss faces six months of hard time

A US judge has sentenced the owner of male escort marketplace Rentboy.com to six months behind bars. Judge Margo Brodie, of the Eastern New York US District Court, said on Wednesday that Jeffrey Hurant's history of work with and on behalf of New York's LGBTQ community had earned him a lower-than-recommended prison term. …
Shaun Nichols, 03 Aug 2017
prince phil and queen elizabeth wave from carriage.

The Telegraph has killed Prince Philip

The Telegraph newspaper accidentally published an obit of the Duke of Edinburgh, instead of reporting his retirement from official duty today. Google News headlines this morning. The headline of the article read: "HOLD HOLD HOLD Prince Philip Duke of Edinburgh dies aged XXX," with the subhead: "Prince Philip waves goodbye to …
Kat Hall, 02 Aug 2017

NEWSFLASH Now even science* says moneybags footballers are overpaid

Academic research is always best when it confirms your preconceptions, and a pair of data scientists from Lawrence Technological University have done just that. Writing in the International Journal of Computer Science in Sport, Lara Yaldo and Lion Shamir say they have created a computational model that will estimate how much a …
Rebecca Hill, 01 Aug 2017
The Arcade Fire's album 'Everything Now' on a USB fidget spinner

Arcade Fire releases album on USB fidget spinner for £79/$105

Canadian indie outfit Arcade Fire has released an album on a USB-flash-drive-packing fidget spinner. The limited edition of the band's fifth album, Everything Now, costs a considerable £79 (~US$105). That's a whopping £72 premium over the cassette edition, £69 more than the CD, £61 more than the basic vinyl edition and …
Simon Sharwood, 01 Aug 2017
Disgusted man holds his hand up to obscure his view. Pic via Shutterstock

Nest security camera captures landlord's romp on tenants' bed

In yet another demonstration that truth can be stranger than fiction – or at least as strange – a landlord has 'fessed up to entering his married tenants' flat and having sexual relations on their bed. Carlos Quijada-Lara entered a plea deal last week after admitting a trespassing charge for bedroom antics in the Colorado …
Paul Kunert, 28 Jul 2017

The ultimate full English breakfast – have your SAY

A turf war has broken out among the scribes at Vulture Towers North over the fried delicacies that should and should not be included in the world famous Full English gut buster Breakfast. Based as El Reg is, in deepest hipster central - East London - we've witnessed people starting their day in local coffee shops, consuming …
Paul Kunert, 28 Jul 2017
Photo by James Duncan Davidson

Bezos' bonkers bank of bucks beats big Bill's brilliant billionaire bundle

Updated Amazon founder and Washington Post owner Jeff Bezos rode a surge in his web giant's stock price to overtake Microsoft cofounder Bill Gates as the richest person in the world. During the rally in Amazon's stock price late Wednesday, Bezos saw his personal paper fortune reach $92.3bn, according to Bloomberg, surpassing the $90. …
Shaun Nichols, 27 Jul 2017

Valley VC sues blogger after sex pest claims, discovers writer is a male tech biz rival

A Silicon Valley investor accused of sexual harassment by an anonymous blogger has sued the mysterious scribe for defamation – only to find the writer appeared to be a business rival in disguise. Anis Uzzaman, CEO of Fenox Venture Capital, was outraged when a post appeared on popular Japanese blogging site Hatena in March …
Katyanna Quach, 26 Jul 2017
Office Space

US vending machine firm plans employee chip implant scheme

An American company is offering its hapless employees microchip implants as a substitute employee ID card. Three Square Market of Wisconsin, USA, which makes vending machines (for some reason the firm impenetrably describes the crisps ‘n’ drinks dispensers as “micro markets”), says it will offer implantable RFID tags to its …
Gareth Corfield, 24 Jul 2017
Surveillance van's interior

Fan of FBI cosplay? Enjoy freaking out your neighbors? Have we got the eBay auction for you

A rather unusual auction on eBay could appeal to aspiring spies and X‑Files fantasists alike. A bloke in North Carolina is offering up what is described as a restored 1989 FBI "surveillance" van, complete with listening equipment, LCD monitors, and two DVD players, apparently. The van, an otherwise not unsettling brown Dodge …
Shaun Nichols, 21 Jul 2017

Volterman 'super wallet': The worst crowdsource video pitch of all time?

Do you need a "smart" wallet with a built in front-facing camera and GPS? Of course you don't. Not even with a built-in Wi-Fi hotspot? Well, enough people do to make a success of an Indiegogo project promising just that. The Volterman "smart wallet" has smashed its target of a relatively meagre $45,000 by 1,145 per cent, …
Andrew Orlowski, 21 Jul 2017

Burglary, robbery, kidnapping and a shoot-out over… a domain name?!

A home break-in that resulted in two men being shot – one of whom was later charged with burglary, robbery and kidnapping – was the result of a domain name dispute, cops have said. Sherman Hopkins, 43, broke into a house in Cedar Rapids, Iowa, America, last month armed with a gun, it is alleged. Rather than making off with …
Kieren McCarthy, 21 Jul 2017
Beavis and Butt-Head

Authorities go hard on coffee maker for stiff Viagra-powered brew

How's this for a stiff one to start the day? We now go live to America, where watchdogs have recalled a batch of coffee for containing an active ingredient very similar to Viagra. The US Food and Drug Administration says the mysterious boner-brew originated from BestHerbs Coffee LLC, and was labeled as "New of Kopi Jantan …
Shaun Nichols, 21 Jul 2017
shocked looking policeman

'Coke dealer' called us after his stash was stolen – cops

A man called the cops to report that cash and a bag of Colombian marching powder stashed in his car had been nicked, police arrest documents have revealed. Floridian fuzz said that area man David Blackmon phoned them in the early hours of Sunday to say roughly $50 and “about one-quarter of an ounce of cocaine” had been …
Paul Kunert, 20 Jul 2017
The first RAF F-35B Lightning II to land in the UK. Crown copyright

Breathless F-35 pilots to get oxygen boost via algorithm tweak

The oxygen deprivation problems that choked F-35 pilots will be fixed through a software update, according to US reports – with the UK's handful of F-35B jets also in line for the fix. Back in June the US grounded a quarter of the world's F-35s after pilots reported "physiological incidents" when using the aircraft's oxygen …
Gareth Corfield, 20 Jul 2017
BBC broadcasting house photo via Shutterstock

Stop all news – it's time for us plebs to be told about BBC paycheques!

Comment The BBC is trembling with excitement following the enforced publication of the annual salaries of on-screen stars earning more than £150,000 at the tax-funded broadcaster. Exclusive to all news outlets everywhere this morning (actual figures were embargoed until 11am to ensure that the key lunchtime news rush would be …
Gareth Corfield, 19 Jul 2017
Recreation of a scene from Star Wars A New Hope: Droids R2-D2 and C-3PO escaping the Tantive IV while under Imperial attack. Figures are 6 inch Hasbro Black Series action figures

Disneyland to become wretched hive of scum and villainy

Disney has revealed plans to create a wretched hive of scum and villainy adjacent to one of its theme parks. If the “wretched …” phrase sounds familiar, it's probably because you remember it from Star Wars Episode IV - A New Hope. The phrase was used by Obi-Wan Kenobi to describe Mos Eisley, a spaceport on the planet Tatooine …
Simon Sharwood, 19 Jul 2017
Jodie WHITTAKER

Jodie Who-ttaker? The Doctor is in

The timelord of Doctor Who, a man since 1963, will be portrayed by a woman – actress Jodie Whittaker – for the first time. Peter Capaldi, Doctor number 12, will regenerate after four years in the BBC's Christmas 2017 special to take on his new, female form. We last saw Capaldi's Doctor fighting his regeneration in Series 10, …
Gavin Clarke, 17 Jul 2017
Big popes, images via Shutterstock

Jesus walks away after 7,000lb pipe van incident

Jesus has miraculously survived a great weight from the heavens that should have crushed him to death, according to Florida TV. 36-year-old Jesus Armando Escobar was driving down the American Interstate 4 motorway on Saturday when a scrap metal truck driver lost control on an overpass above the motorway. The scrap metal truck …
Gareth Corfield, 17 Jul 2017
Hagfish slimy teeth closeup - slime eel

Truck spills slimy load all over Oregon road – drivers slip in eel slick

It's always The Register's pleasure to remind you that, however bad you think your day is going, someone else has it worse. Today spare a thought for drivers in Oregon after a truck carrying 3,402kg of "slime eels" dropped its load all over Highway 101. Pictures released by the Oregon State Police reveal a slimy scene as …
Rebecca Hill, 14 Jul 2017
View-Master vintage advertisement

What can you do with adult VR, some bronze gears and a robotic thumb? On a Friday?

Something for the Weekend, Sir? A VR headset is pressing down on the bridge of my nose. The strap is pulling out strands of hair from the back of my head. I have bruised shins after walking into a coffee table. This, apparently, is "the closest thing to real sex". I must be doing it wrong. VR, that is. Or sex. Or both. Perhaps not expecting to get bruised …
Alistair Dabbs, 14 Jul 2017
note

'Help! I'm stuck in this ATM,' writes poor bloke on a scribbled note

Police were called to a bank in Corpus Christi, Texas, after a customer getting money out of an ATM was passed a note pleading for help from inside the machine. The contractor working on the cash machine had accidentally locked himself inside the ATM room and realized he had left his phone in his truck. He scribbled notes …
Iain Thomson, 14 Jul 2017
stock trader image

Top tip for all you insider traders: Don't Google 'insider trading' from your work PC

An MIT postdoctoral staffer was arrested and charged with insider trading after he allegedly searched online for tips on committing the crime. Fei Yan, of Cambridge, Massachusetts, is accused of securities and wire fraud: he allegedly used information from his wife's law practice to make favorable stock trades that netted more …
Shaun Nichols, 14 Jul 2017
Donald trump reading fake news

Fake Newspaper steals Reg design to spruik storage upstart

Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, but perhaps whoever designed the website for storage upstart Weka.io has gone a little too far: when Reg operatives decided to read beyond our story on the company, we found its website appears to have borrowed ours! The offending bit of Weka's site is its Fake Newspaper, “IT News …
Simon Sharwood, 14 Jul 2017
CHILE -FEBRUARY 6: Moais in Rapa Nui National Park on the slopes of Rano Raruku volcano on Easter Island, Chile. Photo by Shutterstock

Adult toy retailer slapped down for 'RES-ERECTI*N' ad over Easter

Adult toys and lingerie retailer Honey Birdette was today placed on the naughty step by the UK's egg-xacting watchdog the Advertising Standards Authority for mixing sex and religion in a promotion over Easter. The seller of sex toys including Milano Pleasure Beads and vibrators named Dolly, Dita, Dallas and Bullet Bliss, sent …
Paul Kunert, 12 Jul 2017

May the excessive force be with you: Chap cuffed after Star Trek v Star Wars row turns bloody

Poll A bloke was arrested after a shouting match with a pal over Star Wars versus Star Trek led to blood being spilled. Jerome Dewayne Whyte, 23, was collared by Oklahoma police at 6pm on July 1 after he and his roommate argued about the relative merits of the snooty space opera versus the sci-fi merchandizing vehicle turned …
Iain Thomson, 07 Jul 2017
Raspberry, image via Shutterstock

Bonkers call to boycott Raspberry Pi Foundation over 'gay agenda'

Few could argue with what the Raspberry Pi has achieved. As well as inspiring countless youngsters into computing, the tiny affordable gadget is beloved by amateur and professional techies alike. Yet a completely batshit crazy petition, even by change.org standards, begs to differ. One "NoRottenPi" is calling for a boycott of …
Kat Hall, 04 Jul 2017

One thought equivalent to less than a single proton in mass

Reg Standards Bureau A headline in the venerable New Scientist magazine "Protons are lighter than thought" has prompted El Reg's Standards Bureau to consider the notion of thought as a small unit of mass. It was believed that the proton was about 0.877 femtometres, less than a trillionth of a millimetre. But now scientists have found the subatomic …
Kat Hall, 04 Jul 2017

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