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Facebook's Zuckerberg in EBOLA VIRUS FIGHT: Billionaire battles bug

Mark Zuckerberg says he is donating $25m of his own money to the US Centers for Disease Control Foundation to help fund the fight against Ebola in Africa. The Facebook founder, whose net worth is estimated at around $33bn, said he and wife Priscilla Chan will give 0.075 per cent of that sum to combat the deadly disease, which is …
Neil McAllister, 14 Oct 2014
Urinating deer

Swiss wildlife park serves up furry residents to visitors

A wildlife animal park in Switzerland has hit upon a novel idea to ensure its restaurants don’t run out of food, by serving up meat from some of the exhibits. The Langenberg, nestled to the west of Lake Zurich, houses brown bears, wolves, elk, wild boar and other beasties, but as well as gawping at their majesty, visitors can …
Paul Kunert, 12 Oct 2014

Red Bull does NOT give you wings, $13.5m lawsuit says so

A website set up by Red Bull to allow its caffeine guzzling consumers to stake a claim to a multi-million dollar award for failing to get the wings its ad slogan promised, crashed under the weight of interest. The Austria-based drinks maker is to settle US lawsuits out of court, brought by a long-time user, Benjamin Careathers, …
Paul Kunert, 11 Oct 2014
Hawk hits drone

Bird of HEY.... that's MY DRONE! Hawk attacks geek's quadcopter in nature v machine clash

Vid A man in the Boston area of the United States has captured remarkable footage of a hawk strike – at the expense of his quadcopter drone. Christopher Schmidt said he was flying his hobby craft in Cambridge earlier this week when a hawk began to circle. Schmidt, who equipped the quadcopter with a GoPro camera, said he powered down …
Shaun Nichols, 11 Oct 2014

ePassport to Transnistria: NEXTIFYING the Nation State with BONG

¡Bong! [The story so far: Bong has summoned the world's most sought after enterpreneurs and thinkfluencers to Transnistria for the first Disruptive Mindfulness Unsummit. But... why?] The sea of mud stretched in every direction. Ancient, rusty Soviet tractor parts mocked us with their silent tales of record-breaking production …
Steve Bong, 10 Oct 2014

Trolls have DARK TETRAD of personality defects, say trickcyclists

Are you a fan of "everyday sadism"? Then you might just be a troll, according to the boffins responsible for a study which looked into the habits of these comment thread Caligulas. In a study called "Trolls Just Want To Have Fun", eggheads from the University of Manitoba asked 1,200 online trolls what they like doing best. …
Jasper Hamill, 10 Oct 2014
Woman looks immensely happy while staring into blank screen of unplugged monitor

HOT BABES! Worried you won't get that JOB in IT? MENTION how hot you are

Who says the fields of psychology and business studies produce nothing but worthless waffle? A top professor of psychobiz has solved one of the most pressing problems facing humanity today: that of the terrible discrimination faced by attractive women when they try to get jobs which are perceived as being traditionally masculine …
Lewis Page, 8 Oct 2014
Apple's new Cupertino campus – floor plan

APPLE still building fanbois CULT HQ in Cupertino, it seems

The new Apple Fruit Loop HQ is taking shape, with the foundations laid and the building now resembling the ruined monolithic gathering place of a once mighty Pagan cult. Which, of course, is kind of what the Apple Campus II will be when completed. Inside will burn the eternal flame of Steve Jobs, stoked by the whispy dreams of …
Jasper Hamill, 7 Oct 2014
iPhone 6 Plus opened up

Apple's iPhone 6 can REVERSE BALDNESS (and cause it, too)

We've all suspected Apple's Jesus Phone can perform miracles, but few of us suspected it could perform the remarkable task of causing hairs to grow from bald men's heads. But now it has emerged that a number of bald men have claimed the new iPhone 6 Plus has ripped hairs from their fur-free noggins. Seeing as they don't appear …
Jasper Hamill, 6 Oct 2014
Metal Storm on a robot

Man brings knife to a gun fight and WINS

There are two things generally thought to be true. First, you should never bring a knife to a gun fight. Second, the machines are on the rise and puny humanity is set to be exterminated in an orgy of mechanised slaughter not too far in the future. Well it's a topsy turvy world, my friends, and these days it's pretty hard to know …
Lewis Page, 6 Oct 2014
Win8 Metro Screen

Dear Reg readers. I want Metro tiles to replace ALL ICONS in Windows. Is this a good idea?

CoTW UX. Two little letters that cause so much angst, frustration and passion to spill over. Especially if someone suggests that tiles are a feature of Windows which should be extended over everything. Our beloved commentards, full of peace, love and goodwill towards their fellow internet users, were really very unimpressed with the …

Ingredient found in TASTY BEER is GOOD for your BRAIN

It may come as a surprise to anyone nursing a hangover, but beer might actually be good for your brain. Boffins at Oregon State University found that a chemical called xanthohumol, which is found in hops, improved "cognitive function" related to the memory of mice. Xanthohumol is a flavanoid, a class of compounds which are …
Jasper Hamill, 2 Oct 2014

SLOSH! Cops dethrone suspect - by tipping over portaloo with him inside

Vid The careers of four US cops could be flushed down the pan after they tipped over a portable toilet while a man was inside it. Four officers from the Memphis Police Department have been suspended after pushing over the portable potty. Inside was 31-year-old Joseph Hampton, whom the cops suspected of criminal trespass and evading …
Jasper Hamill, 2 Oct 2014

Japan develops robot CHEERLEADERS which RIDE on BALLS

A major electronics company in Japan has developed a team of robot cheerleaders which are designed to seat themselves atop balls and carry out vigorous coordinated manoeuvres, thus: “We developed the Murata Cheerleaders to demonstrate our electronics technologies,” enthuses Koichi Yoshikawa, Senior Manager of Corporate …
Team Register, 29 Sep 2014
Double Facepalm; when one facepalm is not enough.

Emma Watson should SHUT UP, all this abuse is HER OWN FAULT

CoTW What should you do when a mature and sensible website like The Register (stop that sniggering at the back) offers you an anonymous commenting option? Why, abuse it flagrantly to blame the victim, of course! First, though, before the tidal wave of infuriated outrage clicking the headline reaches the commentard in question and …
Gareth Corfield, 28 Sep 2014

Bruges Booze tubes to pump LOVELY BEER underneath city

The Belgian city of Bruges has approved plans to build a pipeline which will funnel beer underneath its famous cobbled streets. Locals and politicians were fed up with huge lorries clattering through the cobbled streets and tiny canal paths of the picturesque city and decided to connect the De Halve Maan brewery to a bottling …
Jasper Hamill, 26 Sep 2014

Let it go, Steve: Ballmer bans iPads from his LA Clippers b-ball team

Steve Ballmer says he doesn't have huge changes planned for the Los Angeles Clippers, his newly acquired pro basketball team, but he does want them to quit using Apple products. "Most of the Clippers are on Windows, some of the players and coaches are not," the former Microsoft CEO told Reuters, without naming names. Although …
Neil McAllister, 25 Sep 2014
The new Twitter logo. Pic: Twitter

Amazon: Wish in one hand, Twit in the other – see which one fills first

Amazon users can now add items to their wish lists via a Twitter hashtag. The web souk said customers can link their Twitter accounts with their Amazon profiles, and automatically send tweeted links into their Amazon wish list of desired stuff. Under the new system, users can reply to Tweeted links of Amazon products with a # …
Shaun Nichols, 25 Sep 2014

Are you a fat boy? Get to university NOW, you PENNILESS SLACKER

Being a fat teenager is not pleasant. Your school chums will bully you, adults and kids will fat-shame you and you’ll live in a perpetual nightmare of sweaty guilt and impotent rage, punctuated by periodic beatings and ritual humiliation. And to make things even worse, you’ll earn less than everyone else when you grow up. …
Team Register, 25 Sep 2014
emma watson

Emma Watson urges UN to back feminism – trolls threaten to leak her 'nude selfies'

At the weekend, actress Emma Watson gave a well-argued and reasoned speech to the UN calling for better relations between the sexes. And lo, internet trolls appear to have set up a website threatening to release nude photographs of the Harry Potter star. The site, www.emmayouarenext.com, features a 4chan logo, a badly rendered …
Iain Thomson, 23 Sep 2014
Buckworth's doodles

Oz carrier Tiger Air takes terror alerts to new heights

If you plan to fly in Australia, at least try to act as if you take the threat of terrorism seriously, or you might get hauled off the plane, handed over to the cops, and banned from an airline. It's with some incredulity that The Register reports that one Oliver Buckworth, who doodled that “In a land of melting ice-cream, sandy …

Oi, London thief. We KNOW what you're doing - our PRECRIME system warned us

Italian boffins claim to have devised a method of predicting future crime trends in London using creepy footfall data collected by a mobile phone provider. A team at the University of Trento said they are able to work out whether an area will have a low or high crime rate with an accuracy of 70 per cent. The researchers' …
Jasper Hamill, 19 Sep 2014
steve jobs

Does this float your boat? Dead Steve Jobs to hijack yachts from BEYOND THE GRAVE

Apple cofounder Steve Jobs shuffled off this mortal coil in 2011, but his name is living on in patent filings. The patient and endearing CEO is listed as a co-inventor in a US patent application that describes a handheld gadget remotely controlling a large boat. The filing sets out a system in which a tablet or smartphone can …
Shaun Nichols, 18 Sep 2014

Top Gear Tigers and Bingo Boilers: Farewell then, Phones4U

"Their marketing seemed to be aimed at the more erm ... chav infested end of the market", wrote one Reg reader on the demise of Phones4U, which went into administration on Sunday. But the drinking classes needs phones too, and why shouldn't they have them? Phones4U catered to this need very astutely, and with more care than any …
Andrew Orlowski, 18 Sep 2014
Nervous girl bites nails

WRISTJOB LOVE BONANZA: justWatch sex app promises blind date hookups

Back in the bad old days when men were men and women were, well, a bit more relaxed, new forms of technology generally ushered in equally new ways of watching other folk having sex. Few older gents can forget the VHS and Betamax era, because it allowed them to linger over hours of grumble movies starring a host of lovelies and …
Jasper Hamill, 17 Sep 2014

Every billionaire needs a PANZER TANK, right? STOP THERE, Paul Allen

Microsoft co-founder Paul Allen has launched legal action against a firm he has accused of failing to properly sell him a World War II German panzer tank. Don't worry, Allen hasn't gone all tinfoil hat and decided to start a militia. He merely wants to buy a rare German tank for the collection of the Flying Heritage Collection …
Jasper Hamill, 16 Sep 2014
Tim Cook as Miss Havisham

Apple's Mr Havisham: Tim Cook says dead Steve Jobs' office has remained untouched

Despite Apple cofounder Steve Jobs being dead nearly three years now, current Apple CEO Tim Cook has left Jobs' fourth-floor office at Apple untouched since his passing, a new interview has revealed. Cook made the revelation during a wide-ranging talk with broadcaster Charlie Rose that will air on the PBS TV network in the US …
Team Register, 13 Sep 2014

Salesforce plan to rename London skyscraper 'Salesforce Tower' DEMOLISHED

A plan to rename a London skyscraper Salesforce Tower has been abandoned after the building's owners decided to give it more sensible name. The Heron Tower in London's financial district will now be known simply as 110 Bishopsgate, reflecting its actual address. Other tenants of the building raised concerns when the plan was …
Jasper Hamill, 12 Sep 2014

Cops apologise for leaving EXPLOSIVES in suitcase at airport

Australia's Federal Police force has apologised for leaving explosives in a suitcase at an airport. The force says the explosives – all 230 grams of them – were a “canine training device” inadvertently left in a suitcase used during a training exercise at Sydney Airport. The suitcase was then forgotten but eventually “a woman …
Simon Sharwood, 12 Sep 2014

Go home Google, you're drunk! Desktop Maps says The Shard's TWO MILES from actual loc

Anyone searching for directions to The Shard on the desktop version of Google Maps may be surprised to discover that the pointy, glassy London skyscraper is apparently plonked in the middle of one of the capital's best-known landmarks, Trafalgar Square. Eagle-eyed reader Pete Jones spotted the mapping blunder and tipped off The …
Team Register, 11 Sep 2014
Batteries that caught fire on Fiji Airlines plane

Flaming drone batteries ground commercial flight before takeoff

A pile of lithium drone batteries checked as baggage on a flight from Australia to Fiji could have had nasty consequences: a bunch of the Li-Ions burned in the hold of the plane. Fortunately for the idiot traveller whose baggage declaration said “no batteries” – and the other passengers on the Fiji Airlines flight in April – the …

'4chan may be just a sysadmin who knows his way around', claims so-called expert

QoTW This week’s tech news was dominated by the online publication of naked photos of celebrities like Jennifer Lawrence, Kate Upton and Ariana Grande, which were posted online by an anonymous hacker who apparently sourced the images from Apple’s iCloud. The pictures of 17 celebrities were posted to 4chan by the hacker, who claimed …

IT jargon is absolutely REAMED with sexual double-entendres

Something for the Weekend, Sir? My wife is looking at online porn again. This can happen accidentally to anyone from time to time, usually while reading through the results of perfectly innocent web searches such as oyster bar or prize giving head boy. But here my wife is scrolling through pictures of men being er... “serviced” from behind by women wearing …
Photo of Jonathan Ive

Jony Ive: Apple iWatch will SCREW UP Switzerland's economy

Comment The New York Times has profiled the wearables market and there's an intriguing little hint that, as a designer, Apple's Jony Ive is in fact a great marketing guru. For he seems to be thinking that the iWatch is going to be so cool that it'll entirely screw over the Swiss watch industry. This isn't, needless to say, quite what is …
Tim Worstall, 5 Sep 2014
Qantas A380 tail

Data entry REAR-END SNAFU: Weighty ballsup leads to plane take-off flap

We're all accustomed to tales of woe that children are becoming too fat, but how about too-light kiddies spoiling the balance of an aircraft? An error at Australia's Canberra airport left a 168-seat Boeing 737 struggling to take off because a group of 87 schoolchildren was entered into the check-in system as adults. As noted in …
iPhone forensics beaten image

Apple Fanbois (and girls) already lining up for NEW iPHONE

Apple has yet to formally introduce or set a release date for its next iPhone, but that hasn't stopped rabid fans of iStuff from queuing up for Cupertino's next shiny release. Customers in New York have already begun camping out in front of the company's flagship store for the honor (and attention) of being the first in line to …
Shaun Nichols, 4 Sep 2014
heart.brazil

MEN WANTED to satisfy town full of yearning BRAZILIAN HOTNESS

A Brazilian town populated solely by "extremely attractive" women is looking for obedient and well-behaved men to come and, erm, romance them. The 600 het-up hotties of Noiva do Cordeiro are feeling amorous, but there are simply no chaps about to court them. So they have issued a call for eligible males who think they're man …
Jasper Hamill, 28 Aug 2014

Football legend Gary Lineker in TWITTER POO TROLL SCANDAL

Gary Lineker is a celebrated footballer, telly host and crisp salesman. But it turns out that on the internet, what he's really remembered for is taking a big poo on the pitch during the 1990 Italia World Cup. But now the face of Walker's Crisps has had enough of internet trolls and has issued a broadside against the social …
Jasper Hamill, 22 Aug 2014
Homer Simpson reading on PC

Get ready: The top-bracket young coders of the 2020s will be mostly GIRLS

The latest GCSE results have shown that more girls are getting top marks at computing - while fewer boys are getting an A*. Results released today show that 8.6 per cent of girls achieved the top mark of A*, an improvement on 2013 when 8.3 per cent managed to get the best grade. Boys, on the other hand, have flopped since last …
Jasper Hamill, 21 Aug 2014
This chicken is under attack [Click to enlarge]

Cops baffled by riddle of CHICKEN who crossed ROAD

After several millennia of global dominance, the human species is still uncertain about the motivations of those chickens that choose to cross the road. But last Monday, officers from the Portland Police Department got the opportunity to tackle this most insoluble of philosophical problems after a plucky clucker ventured into …
Jasper Hamill, 19 Aug 2014
A dragon in Game of Thrones

Yes, but what are your plans if a DRAGON attacks?

Brits are very concerned about the potential for life-threatening incidents involving dragon attacks, asteroid crashes and ghostly manifestations and they want their local council to do something about it, if their FoI requests are anything to go by. A dragon in Game of Thrones England’s Local Government Association has …

Drunkards warned: If you can't walk in a straight line, don't shop online, you fool!

One in four Brits have admitted to splurging too much cash during drunken shopping sprees online, according to a new survey. Insurance website Confused.com commissioned a research outfit to quiz 2,000 people in the UK about their booze-charged spending habits on the interwebs. The survey found some 24 per cent of the good folk …
Jasper Hamill, 18 Aug 2014