Articles about captain cyborg

iPhone forensics beaten image

iPhone addiction will RUIN YOUR LIFE – if only that were true

Research has confirmed the unthinkable: perfectly normal, rational people turn into anxious sweaty moronic wrecks when they're separated from their beloved smartphones. Case closed, right? Well, if by normal people you mean American journalism undergraduates, by stupid you mean they can't to finish a word search in five minutes …
Shaun Nichols, 13 Jan 2015

Torvalds on patents: 'Sane people know it's bullsh*t but making real change is difficult'

QuoTW This was the week when a piece of software (supposedly) passed the Turing Test, giving the world all the “robot overlord” headlines they could possibly need in a slow, sunny news week. Facts were hard to come by in the tale of Eugene Goostman, the 13-year-old-boy-simulating software that apparently hit the controversial …
warwick slate1

'CAPTAIN CYBORG': The wild-eyed prof behind 'machines have become human' claims

For 14 years, The Register has been chronicling the publicity stunts of Kevin Warwick, an attention-seeking academic with a sideline in self-mutilation*. In fact, Warwick has been making improbable claims to the press for much longer than that: over twenty years. But the world has continued to relay Warwick's stunts and …
Andrew Orlowski, 10 Jun 2014
Sarcasm detector Simpsons

Ukrainian teen created in lab passes Turing Test – famous nutty prof

Some software has supposedly passed the Turing Test – a controversial benchmark of artificial intelligence – by fooling a handful of humans into thinking it's a talkative 13-year-old Ukrainian lad. Cyborg prof Kevin Warwick argues this is the first time a machine has ever passed the famous test. We're told the successful chat …
Chris Williams, 09 Jun 2014
The Register breaking news

Harvard boffins build cyborg skin of flesh and nanowires

Humanity has taken another step down the path of the Borg with the invention of the first flesh containing a functional nanowire sensor network that's biocompatible with the human body. "With this technology, for the first time, we can work at the same scale as the unit of biological system without interrupting it," team leader …
Iain Thomson, 30 Aug 2012
The Register breaking news

Captain Cyborg accepts another degree from puny humans

The nation's favourite would-be cyborg overlord and media strumpet, Professor Kevin Warwick, has been rewarded with another academic bauble. The post-human Brummie was given a Doctorate from the University of Portsmouth last week for his work as Professor of Cybernetics at the University of Reading. It adds to a growing …
Andrew Orlowski, 26 Jul 2012
The Register breaking news

Captain Cyborg: Computers are alive, like bats or cows

Consummate attention-seeker Kevin Warwick has admitted to snooping on the public in a previous life. Warwick made the creepy confession on Radio 4, recalling an earlier job as a GPO engineer: "I remember taking ten different calls and plugging them all together; one call would continue, the other nine would listen in. Then I'd …
Andrew Orlowski, 17 Jun 2011
The Register breaking news

Captain Cyborg sidekick implants virus-infected chip

A second transhumanist RFID-chipping nut has emerged from the academic community at the University of Reading. Professor Kevin Warwick became famous years ago after claiming he was on the way towards becoming a cyborg after he implanted a simple RFID chip in his arm, which allowed sensors to register his presence and perform …
John Leyden, 26 May 2010
The Register breaking news

NuLab's fave boffin claims phallocentric conspiracy

New Labour's favourite boffin has lost her job - for a very New Labour reason - and has responded with a classically New Labour riposte. Oxford neuroscientist Susan Greenfield was made redundant from her post as the Director of the Royal Institution after failing to balance the books. The full-time post itself is being …
Andrew Orlowski, 11 Jan 2010
The Register breaking news

High-speed train toilet attempts to eat Frenchman

RoTM Emergency services were on Sunday obliged to cut free a TGV passenger whose arm was swallowed by the high-speed train's sucking dunny, the BBC reports. The unnamed 26-year-old victim - travelling from La Rochelle to Bordeaux - dropped his mobe into the bog and ill-advisedly attempted to retrieve it from the lav's depths. Cue a …
Lester Haines, 27 Oct 2008
The Register breaking news

Captain Cyborg to chew the fat with Ultra Hal

Reading Uni's cybernetic media strumpet Kev "Captain Cyborg" Warwick is poised to put six computer programmes to ultimate test - that devised by Alan Turing in which the machine must engage in convincingly human banter, thereby heralding "the most significant breakthrough in artificial intelligence since the IBM supercomputer …
Lester Haines, 06 Oct 2008
The Register breaking news

Fire-breathing black cabs: Shock eyewitness photo

RoTM Our recent shock piece on an attempted incendiary uprising by the TX4-type cab prompted the neoLuddite Resistance Army to place all London cadres on Defcon Laguna. Well, the reality is worse than we thought. Here's an image caught by an NRA operative last night during a furious firefight in the capital: Last eyewitness photo of …
Lester Haines, 26 Sep 2008
The Register breaking news

London battles fire-breathing black cabs

RoTM Transport for London last week announced the temporary withdrawal of 500 black cabs following eight spontaneous combustion events in three months - the first incendiary transportation incidents in the capital since Red Ken Livingstone's removal from office apparently contained the fire-breathing vehicle menace. Sadly not. TfL …
Lester Haines, 22 Sep 2008
The Register breaking news

South African survives exploding fridge attack

RoTM It's been suspiciously quiet of late on the murderous white goods front, but confirmation that your kitchen is still out to get you comes in the form of a chilling exploding fridge attack in South Africa. According to the Pretoria Times, Adrian Coetzee, of Silver Lakes, Pretoria, "narrowly escaped death" on Wednesday when the …
Lester Haines, 11 Jul 2008
The Register breaking news

Welcome back, WiReD!

Competition More than a decade after it crashed and burned so spectacularly, WiReD - the house magazine for the Children of the Corn - is returning to the UK. Publisher Conde Nast, which acquired WiReD after the first UK version shut down, says it will launch next year and has hired an editor, David Rowan. He's already fully buzzword …
Andrew Orlowski, 04 Jul 2008

Captain Cyborg creates human bat with Reg baseball cap

It's come to our attention that the media's favourite cybernetically-enhanced human - Kev "Captain Cyborg" Warwick of Reading Uni - earlier this week demonstrated an echolocation hat for blind people on the Beeb's The One Show. Nothing remarkable about that, you might think, but check out just whose hat had the honour of bearing …
Lester Haines, 16 May 2008
The Register breaking news

Captain Cyborg plans to milk you, human scum

Reg chiefs have been holding daily crisis meetings for several months over what has become of Professor Kevin "Captain Cyborg" Warwick. "He's been quiet... too quiet," one old-timer told this reporter only last week. Imagine the cheer yesterday then, when Reg reader Chris reported a sighting of the good Cap'n in Scientific …
The Register breaking news

Dutch fire up petrol-pumping robot

RoTM The indolent Dutch may come to rue the day they ever heard the name of Nico van Staveren, petrol station operator and co-developer of a gas-pumping robot which can allegedly recognise your make of car, whip off the petrol cap and deliver the required amount of combustible. The TankPitstop in action Reuters has quite correctly …
Lester Haines, 05 Feb 2008
The Register breaking news

Aliens responsible for Italian machine uprising

RoTM Italian authorities have confirmed what we at the neoLuddite Resistance Army (NRA) have known all along - that the 2004 machine uprising in the Italian village of Canneto di Caronia was probably caused by aliens. For three weeks, locals battled against spontaneously-combusting TVs, fridges, cookers and mobile phones which …
Lester Haines, 29 Oct 2007
The Register breaking news

Never trust a robot with anal beads and a fixed grin

Comments The flying car, that which we Reg hacks demand of all and sundry after a few pints, looks like becoming a reality. The Terrafugia Transition® is a bit more like a plane that can drive, but it seems to fit the bill anyway. You shared our excitement: "Marty, where we're going, we won't need roads, just a runway. Oh, and you might …
Robin Lettice, 14 Oct 2007
The Register breaking news

HP boffin predicts preggers spy bog

Stupid future HP has wheeled out a futurologist to tell everyone we're going to need a lot more enterprise-class storage, printer ink and and branded glossy photo paper in the year 2057. As well as fattening photo albums, ubiquitous monitoring devices could be a threat to liberty, according to a groundbreaking speech by Martin Sadler, …
The Register breaking news

NASA to unleash 'mind meld' intelligent machines

RoTM All members of the neoLuddite Resistance Army are hereby ordered to go to Defcon "Armageddon"* and prepare to battle a new breed of mind-melding intelligent machines and systems under development by NASA's Ames Research Center and the Machine-to-Machine Intelligence Corporation (M2Mi). According to the NASA's chillingly frank …
Lester Haines, 22 Jun 2007
The Register breaking news

EU slaps 'Davros tax' on mobility scooters

RoTM The EU has moved to restrict the number of mobility scooters available to a machine uprising on the UK streets by slapping import duty on the vehicles, the Telegraph reports. Our artist's impression of a Terminator granny astride a mobility scooter The ruling means a £250 price hike on the average £2.5k cost of the mostly …
Lester Haines, 12 Jun 2007
The Register breaking news

DARPA to create brain-chipped cyborg moths

Famed US military mad-scientist bureau DARPA (the Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency) is engaged in an effort to grow/build cyborg moths for use as spies. No, really. The program is called Hybrid Insect Micro-Electro-Mechanical Systems, or HI-MEMS. In it, the arguably over-caffeined DARPA boffins aim to construct a …
Lewis Page, 31 May 2007
The Register breaking news

Captain Cyborg pushes kid chipping via Maddy abduction case

It is with heavy heart and grim sense of inevitability that The Register and its long-time readers note the attachment of the Captain Cyborg agenda to the McCann abduction investigation. Under the headline "Would an implanted chip help to keep my child safe?", The Times reports that laughable Reading University Professor Kevin …
The Register breaking news

Captain Cyborg invades Second Life

Kevin Warwick - aka Captain Cyborg - will this afternoon be entertaining the crowds on Second Life's Uvvy Island with a chat on the benefits of linking your brain to "that of an intelligent machine network" entitled "Upgrading Humans: Why not?" The appearance has been organised by the "Second Life Chapter of the World …
Lester Haines, 23 Apr 2007
The Register breaking news

Self-combusting toilets menace Japan

RoTM We're not sure if "Japan's leading toilet manufacturer" Toto builds city centre cyberloos for the UK market, but its domestic products have evidently fallen under the control of the Lizard Alliance. According to the BBC, the company is offering free repairs to no less than 180,000 Z-series bogs after some of them spontaneously …
Lester Haines, 16 Apr 2007
The Register breaking news

Future warfare and all that Jizz

Letters This week, the MOD took to gazing into a crystal ball, and came up with a number of scary sounding predictions for what the future might hold. Many of you felt that this shameless pilfering of the best of cyberpunk might have been better avoided. Perhaps the MOD's think tank could lend its future diagnosticator to Des Browne …
Lucy Sherriff, 13 Apr 2007
The Register breaking news

Carnivore ATM bites Florida kiddie

RoTM A light-fingered Florida nine-year-old has learnt the hard way that you don't mess with ATMs after getting bitten by an Orange County carnivore cash machine. According to a chilling video report on WSMV Nashville, what for Angelica Santiago should have been a routine trip to the store with her parents ended as a four-hour …
Lester Haines, 16 Mar 2007
The Register breaking news

Hybrid vehicle attacks petrol station

RoTM The driver of a Toyota Prius had a narrow escape recently when his vehicle decided to do away with its human master by ploughing into a Tacoma petrol station "narrowly missing a clerk and sparking a fire". Shaken victim Art Robinson of DuPont told KING5.com he'd just bought the hybrid on the morning of 6 March, but "only after …
Lester Haines, 12 Mar 2007
The Register breaking news

Bionic-boosted eyes go hi-def

AAAS A new version of an electronic implant which restores visual capabilities in blind people holds untold promise, those gathered at a meeting in San Francisco heard today, as the technology behind the device is taken to the next level. Back in 2005, the news that a man who had been blind for 50 years had regained some sight with …
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Captain Cyborg pays homage to El Reg

You've got to hand it to Kevin Warwick, aka Captain Cyborg: the bloke's got more front than Blackpool. In an interview this week with itwales.com, the cybernetic futurologist actually thanks El Reg for the extensive coverage we've dedicated to his groundbreaking work. The interview is all pretty bog-standard Captain Cyborg …
Lester Haines, 19 Dec 2006
The Register breaking news

Humans taste of bacon, says gourmet robot

RoTM There's a commonly-held belief that just about every animal on Earth tastes of chicken* - except, of course, those which taste like steak, or bacon. In the latter category, according to popular myth, are people - something only Uruguayan rugby players know for certain. That NEC robot in full Until now, that is, because NEC …
Lester Haines, 10 Nov 2006
The Register breaking news

BBC abandons science

TV BBC TV's venerable science flagship, Horizon, has had a rough ride as it tries to gain a new audience. It's been accused of "dumbing down". That's nothing new - it's a criticism often leveled at it during its 42 year life. But instead of re-examing its approach, the series' producers have taken the bold step of abandoning …
Andrew Orlowski, 27 Oct 2006
The Register breaking news

Satnav orders German into toilet

RoTM An "overly obedient" German driver followed his car's satnav system's instructions to "Turn right now!" and duly exited the highway "about 30 metres before the crossing he was meant to take" before piling headlong into a portaloo, the Sydney Morning Herald reports. Mind you, this is not simply a case of a moment's lapse in …
Lester Haines, 24 Oct 2006
The Register breaking news

Lizard Alliance targets Turkish PM

RoTM What must be the most high-profile Lizard Alliance attempt yet to wrest control of Planet Earth from its current human masters came earlier this week when Turkish prime minister Recep Tayyip Erdogan was temporarily captured by his armoured limo. According to local neoLuddite Resistance Army (NRA) operative H Turgut Uyar, …
Lester Haines, 19 Oct 2006
The Register breaking news

Bugged comets and forgetting your teeth

Letters Never let it be said that El Reg is not a fount of useful information. This week, we all learned that it is legal to put a bug in an office. Now we can add to that knowledge: it is almost certainly not legal to listen to the bug, or do anything with the information you record with it: If you obtain personal data through the …
Lucy Sherriff, 10 Oct 2006
The Register breaking news

Space, Segways and biostratification

Letters eDonkey got its, er, ass kicked in the New York courts last week. And the RIAA owns its front page. And any visitor's IP addresses, it reckons. So, what to do, for the determined downloader? > For instance, offer PC lessons to an elderly neighbour, preferably very old and very deaf in return for some internet time. Or use his …
Lucy Sherriff, 19 Sep 2006
The Register breaking news

Misanthropy 2.0

Competition results So, to some unfinished business. "One's thoughts must perpetually be challenged, tested, and pollinated by others to be kept healthy," observed our own Thomas C Greene recently, writing about the latest prognosis from Professor Stephen Hawking. "One gets the sense of a man whose ideas have not been challenged in decades, and …
Andrew Orlowski, 06 Sep 2006
The Register breaking news

Permission to DNA test French Elvis?

Letters Let's get off to a flying start and dive straight into the murky deep end of the gene pool and consider the question of home DNA tests. New laws mean running DNA tests without the consent of the person whose DNA you are trying to match could land you a spell in chokey: Thats interesting, does it apply to the police as well. As …
Lucy Sherriff, 25 Aug 2006
The Register breaking news

'Let's track paedos with chip implants' - top cop fails tech test

Britain's most senior policeman has, according to a Sunday Times report, suggested that surgically implanted chips could be used in order to track the movements of paedophiles and dangerous sex offenders. "If we are prepared to track cars, why don’t we track people? You could put surgical chips into those of the most dangerous …
John Lettice, 16 Jul 2006
The Register breaking news

Volkswagen unleashes 150mph self-driving car

You have to admire Volkswagen: while the French motor industry and national rival BMW are still feebly denying they are already controlled by the Lizard Alliance - despite chilling evidence to the contrary - the Wolfsburg tentacle of the German manufacturer has decided to cut literally to the chase and scrap even the merest …
Lester Haines, 04 Jul 2006
The Register breaking news

Police arrest satanic BMW victim

The driver who claimed his satanic BMW had subjected him to an involuntary, 60-mile, 135mph terror ride was later arrested and bailed "on suspicion of dangerous driving", it has emerged. Kevin Nicolle was at the helm of his Beemer 318 when the car took off of its own accord, the BBC reports. He explained: "I was travelling down …
Lester Haines, 20 Jun 2006
The Register breaking news

Iraq grunts mourn loss of robot comrade

Those of us chronicling the inexorable Rise of the Machines™ know only too well the dangers of forming emotional bonds with technology - albeit a mere fondness for your Dyson, or a slight affection for your new Renault Laguna. The reason, as members of the neoLuddite Resistance Army among you are already aware, is that as soon …
Lester Haines, 25 May 2006
The Register breaking news

Bendy bus attacks Leeds cake shop

We've warned in the past of the dangers posed to humanity by the new generation of hi-tech bendy buses, but it seems that the good burghers of Leeds were not listening. A BBC report just in says a First Group vehicle this morning assaulted "Ainsleys bakery as it turned a corner into Infirmary Street", smashing its way through …
Lester Haines, 25 Apr 2006
The Register breaking news

Readers battle botnets for control of planet Earth

Letters The focus of today's letters is botnets: the threat they represent to the future happiness of our children, and how they can, and must, be stopped. The following pretty well represents a cross section of opinion on the matter, starting with your thoughts on the cunning "let's block port 25" plan: >(1 - Many ISPs now block port …
Lester Haines, 21 Apr 2006
The Register breaking news

Captain Cyborg acquires Dalek capability

Imagine this nightmare scenario: an alleged UK university cybernetics professor - actually an agent of the extraterrestrial Lizard Alliance and controlled by explosive cranial implant - himself gains control of a terrifying weapon of mass destruction and proceeds to implement his plan for the total subjugation of humanity in a …
Lester Haines, 20 Apr 2006
The Register breaking news

Man survives satanic BMW crash-and-burn

It's official: the German automotive industry fell to the Lizard Alliance on 5 March when a 26-year-old UK man recorded the first incident of murderous Teutonic automobile: an R-reg BMW 318 which took its terrified victim on a high-speed white knuckle ride of near death before self-destructing on a roundabout. According to a …
Lester Haines, 13 Mar 2006
The Register breaking news

Second Freeview box signals alien invasion fleet

The neoLuddite Resistance Army (NRA) is today on Defcon Laguna following the chilling news that a second Freeview box has been making pre-invasion broadcasts to the Lizard Army battle fleet. Regular readers will recall the recent case in Portsmouth when Freeview equipment sent out a distress signal strong enough to be picked up …
Lester Haines, 15 Feb 2006
The Register breaking news

Lizard Army fuses woman with black helicopter

Fellow members of the neoLuddite Resistance Army (NRA) who have written to express their concern at an apparent lack of recent activity in our Montana command bunker should rest assured that - contrary to popular belief - we have not spent the entire summer taking drunken potshots at Renault Lagunas with pulse plasma laser …
Lester Haines, 04 Nov 2005