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Issue of the day: When is the right time to drink coffee?

And so to El Reg Forums where Simon Rockman has fired up this foodie thread. You know that the Italians say that you shouldn't have Cappuccino after 11:00 and that it's a breakfast drink, a faux pas akin to Nadurra before the sun is over the yard arm? Turns out there is a scientific basis for this: chronopharmacology. Aaah, …
Drew Cullen, 16 Nov 2013

Bill Gates orders HITMAN to KILL right-hand man STEVE BALLMER

Bill Gates has carried out the bloody murder of his former friend and colleague Steve Ballmer. But don't call the cops just yet, because the vicious attack actually happened in an episode of South Park which was screened last night. In a controversial episode shown just a few days before the launch of Xbox One, Ballmer is shown …
Jasper Hamill, 21 Nov 2013
The Register breaking news

Reg readers say: Having the right info is key to productivity

Ensuring that people have the information they need when they need it is the single most important element when it comes to productivity in the workplace. At least, that’s what you guys told us when we conducted a survey on end user productivity earlier this year. However, your answers to our questions also made it amply clear …
Martha Bennett, 18 Nov 2011

BALLMER TO RETIRE FROM MICROSOFT

Steve Ballmer is leaving identity crisis-hit Microsoft. The software maker's chief announced his intention to retire from MS within the next year. He said: "There is never a perfect time for this type of transition, but now is the right time." Whomever the new boss of Microsoft will be, he or she has a big job ahead of them in …
Kelly Fiveash, 23 Aug 2013
DNS? It's a real bind

Good riddance to American internet oversight says Microsoft

Microsoft's veep for technology policy David Tennenhouse has given Redmond's good netkeeping seal of approval to the USA's plans to stop acting as the ultimate regulator of the internet. Tennenhouse has posted to the effect that “The U.S. Department of Commerce National Telecommunications and Information Administration’s recent …
Simon Sharwood, 18 Mar 2014
hands waving dollar bills in the air

Major tech execs fling cash at heretical AI company Vicarious

Credible artificial intelligence startup Vicarious has taken in more money as accomplished billionaires fling cash towards what could be a hugely significant technology. The additional funding was disclosed by the company on Monday in an article in TechCrunch and subsequent interview with El Reg. Some of the Valley's best known …
Jack Clark, 07 Apr 2014
SOURCE: http://www.sxc.hu/photo/959469

BILLION DOLLAR BALLMER: Microsoft chief makes $1bn simply by quitting

Steve Ballmer has just seen his personal wealth surge by a cool $1bn after announcing his retirement from Microsoft - which immediately caused the company's stock to soar close to a 12-month high on Wall Street. The software vendor, which trades on Nasdaq under the MSFT banner, saw its shares initially surge by close to 9 per …
Kelly Fiveash, 23 Aug 2013

Gates chokes up, WEEPS to Microsoft shareholders amid talk of CEO hunt

Bill Gates today delivered an emotional speech to the Microsoft shareholders, choking up as he described his history with the company and the search for a successor for his friend Steve Ballmer. "We've got a commitment to see that the next CEO is the right person, for the right time, for the company we both love," said Gates, …
Iain Thomson, 19 Nov 2013

Japanese fanboi first in queue for, er, iPhone 6

A Japanese man who appears to be a rather overzealous Apple fanboi has started queuing for the iPhone 6, even though it hasn't been announced yet. Tokyo-based blogger Yoppy, who describes his outing in his blog as "iPhone cosplay" – apparently decided that Wednesday was the right time to dress up as an iPhone and wait outside …
Jasper Hamill, 13 Feb 2014

Hiroshi Yamauchi, bizlord who gave the world Donkey Kong, dead at 85

The man who took Nintendo from a small family business into an international megacorp has copped it, aged 85. Hiroshi Yamauchi died of pneumonia in a Japanese hospital on Thursday morning. Yamauchi stepped down as president of Nintendo in 2002, and left the board in 2005, but remained the largest individual shareholder and was …
Bill Ray, 19 Sep 2013
Angus Highland cow

Wearable tech for HORNY COWS: Biz slurps £3m for bovine arousal detectors

A firm which designs wearable tech for cows is celebrating after raising more than £3m to help fund its global expansion. Silent Herdsman has been handed the golden bull by a group of investors including Scottish Equity Partners, Albion Ventures and the Scottish Investment Bank. Its technology uses a "decision-support platform …
Jasper Hamill, 24 Mar 2014
Cartoon of Bill Ray, wearing hat

Reg mobile correspondent Bill Ray hangs up his Vulture hat

It's Friday afternoon and my last day as a reporter for The Register. After well over 4,000 articles, and seven years, I'm hanging up my hack's mac and filing away my Press card. I'm not jumping ship to The Telegraph or taking a seat at the New York Times as some of my colleagues have, partly because they never offered me the …
Bill Ray, 25 Oct 2013

Ready, aim ... exploit! Experts calculate exact moment to launch that precious 0-day weapon

There's a right time and a wrong time to exploit a vulnerability – and according to researchers from the University of Michigan, that's something that can be worked out ahead of time. According to this paper Timing of cyber conflict, available from PNAS, knowing exactly when to launch a digital assault is something that can be …

Ballmer's emotional farewell to Redmond: I LOVE THIS COMPANY

Microsoft's 99,000 employees face a future without its chief chair-flinger Steve Ballmer who just announced his retirement to a happy Wall Street. He penned a letter to MS staff that was stuffed with classic Ballmerisms, including a repeat of one of his famously sweaty outpourings: "I LOVE THIS COMPANY." Ballmer joined …
Kelly Fiveash, 23 Aug 2013
WASP-12b getting devoured by its sun

Sun-seeking NASA boffins steer FLEETS of satellites... BY HAND

Looking for something to test your Star Wars video game skills? How about this: launch four satellites and fly them in eccentric orbits around the Earth. Each satellite is 1km apart from its neighbour, which sounds like a lot of space until you consider that they’re travelling at several kilometres per second during the …
secondary age school kids outside NBN truck

NBN Co CEO Quigley retires, won't deny he was pushed

Mike Quigley, the founding chief executive officer of NBN Co, the company set up to build Australia's national broadband network (NBN), has announced he will “retire from corporate life “. In a canned statements, Quigley said the following: “My job was to lay the foundations for the NBN for the next 30 years. That job is …
Simon Sharwood, 12 Jul 2013
The Register breaking news

Sony chairman Howard Stringer set to retire, explore 'new world'

Sony chair and former CEO Howard Stringer is set to retire from the firm completely this June. The Welsh-born businessman already left his CEO seat last year after seven years on the job and will now leave the board entirely. Stringer spent 15 years at Sony after a three-decades-long stint at US broadcaster CBS and rose to …
Cookoo smartwatch

Bulgarian bloke blabs LG's smart watch plan

Korea's other giant electronics manufacturer, LG, has let slip that it too plans a smart watch, if Bulgarian outlet Dnenvnik Is to be trusted. Dnenvnik this week carried an interview with Dimitar Vulev, manager for mobile communications products at LG's Bulgarian outpost. The interview meanders towards the topic of smart …
Simon Sharwood, 22 Aug 2013
A group shot of the tasting team

The ULTIMATE cuppa showdown: And the winner is...

Cue the traditional fanfare of trumpets and thunderous drumroll as we reveal today the winner of our ultimate cuppa showdown. Mug with our Vulture logo This cha-tastic adventure – the aim of which was "not to examine the hundreds of possible tea type/brewing permutations, but rather establish a set of basic rules which can …
Lester Haines, 18 Nov 2013
Pigeon crapping on statue

Nasdaq blames rival NYSE Arca for 3-HOUR trading outage

The company behind the NASDAQ stock exchange has said that last week's three-hour outage was partly its own fault, but mostly the fault of rival exchange firm NYSE Arca. The glitch forced Nasdaq to take trading offline on Thursday last week – and thousands of Nasdaq-listed stocks were frozen in place for three hours across the …
IBM open reel tape and 3480 cartridge compared

Lenovo and IBM's System x biz: It'll be just like 2005's PC buyout

It was only eight months ago when the industry was rife with rumours that IBM was selling all or part of their x86 business to Lenovo. It took a while, but the deal has gone down and it’s now up to the lawyers and accountants to finalize the paperwork. This deal has turned out to be (way) more comprehensive than anticipated. …
Curiosity self-portrait at Rocknest in the Gale Crater

Curiosity looks up, spies Martian double-mooning

As Curiosity trundles across the Martian surface, the bulk of NASA's interest has been focused downwards at the ground, but the rover has also been looking up and has captured some remarkable video of the two moons of Mars overlapping each other overhead. The images captured by the telephoto lens in Curiosity's Mast Camera …
Iain Thomson, 17 Aug 2013
channel_teaser_exit

Ex-HP VP predicts PC arm sell-off and life as IBM's number 2

Canalys’s APAC channels conference in Bangkok last week was jam-packed with senior execs, from HP’s Meg Whitman to top dogs from EMC, Cisco and Microsoft and their counterparts in major distributors and resellers. But flying in under radar was one veteran exec simply listed as a “distinguished guest”. In a 33-year career, Bernd …
Joe Fay, 06 Nov 2013
CSIRO's Outback Rover

'Outback Rover' could help calibrate satellite sensors

Earth sensing satellites have driven revolutions in farming, mineral exploration and vegetation management, but just like a camera on the ground, they need calibration. While someone like a professional videographer will check his camera against something like a white balance, earth sensing satellites aren't so conveniently …

RM CEO: We didn't even try to sell PC biz before killing it

Education tech supplier RM didn't even test the appetite among rivals or privateer equity firms to buy its flattering PC biz before murdering it because the business was only just keeping its head above water. The long-standing system builder this week quit the business to concentrate on higher margin software and services. …
Paul Kunert, 01 Nov 2013

Facebook turns 10: Big Brother isn't Mark Zuckerberg. It's YOU

Facebook turns 10 this month, which means a bombardment of anniversary pieces lauding the social network. This blabbergasm will stress how Facebook “changed everything” and speculate on how “unimaginable" life might be without Facebook. But Mark Zuckerberg’s greatest achievement isn't financial or technical. Facebook has turned …
Andrew Orlowski, 04 Feb 2014

Apple Schill-er: 'I was shocked - SHOCKED! They went and copied the iPhone'

This week saw the return of the big US patent trial that was once a resounding $1bn victory for Apple and is now a long-running, achingly irritating waste of everyone's time. Nevertheless, they continue to spar in courts all over the world, making lawyers rich instead of spending all their money on actual innovation. This week, …

Verizon Terremark backs Xen-CloudStack combo for clouds

Hot on the heels of the open source Xen hypervisor being moved over to the Linux Foundation as an official collaborative project, Citrix Systems, which has controlled the Xen community as well as the open source CloudStack cloud controller that is one of the viable alternatives to OpenStack, has scored the Terremark cloud …
Hortonworks logo

Rob 'Flipper' Bearden plans to FLOAT his Hadoop heffalump

To some, Rob Bearden is a hero. In just a few years, the venture capitalist flipped two open-source startups, turning diamonds in the rough into gems in the corporate M&A crown. In 2006, he sold app server disrupter JBoss to Red Hat within a few years of joining for an estimated $350m, and just a year after joining SpringSource …
Gavin Clarke, 21 Nov 2013
channel_teaser_exit

CEO of bloated outsourcing firm Capita quits after 26 years

Fat cat chief exec Paul Pinder is to quit after 26 years at outsourcing giant Capita to head up small, private equity-backed businesses. The man who, along with other top brass, pocketed a 20 per cent pay hike last year as IT Services staff had their wages frozen and bonuses shelved, is to be replaced by Capita deputy chief exec …
Paul Kunert, 18 Nov 2013
The Register breaking news

Turkey prepares to hand $5bn to US biz for intelligent electricity

Turkey will spend $5bn over the next two years creating a smart grid to cope with increased energy consumption, and buying plenty of American kit with which to do it. The US consulate in Istanbul put out the figure, Bloomberg notes, as it promotes a two-day conference on the subject. The conference itself is sponsored by the US …
Bill Ray, 12 Feb 2013
The Register breaking news

Meet the stealthiest UK startup's app Swiftkey - and its psychic* keyboard

If ever there was a company that found itself in the right place at the right time, it's TouchType - the team behind SwiftKey. The firm is one of Britain's most successful tech startups: it says its intellectual property is used in 100 million phones and that its SwiftKey software was last year's best-selling program in the …
Andrew Orlowski, 20 Feb 2013

BlackBerry: It's the end-to-endness, stupid

Going private still looks the most likely next step for BlackBerry, with Prem Watsa, the largest shareholder in the company, resigning from its board this week, apparently to put together a deal. Watsa still holds almost 10 per cent of BlackBerry stock. Yet even if BlackBerry goes private, its options remain brutal. Nobody …
Andrew Orlowski, 15 Aug 2013
The Register breaking news

Movie, TV ads annoying? You ain't seen nothin' yet

Digital-content producers, distributors, broadcasters, and advertising firms are developing new strategies about how to monetize movies and TV shows in a world in which consumers want their content for free, skip past ads on their DVRs, and despite high-profile efforts to stop them, still find piracy an attractive option. "There …
Rik Myslewski, 23 Mar 2013

BlackBerry pie sliced up: Nuke-plant OS, BBM chat app, etc sale mulled

Troubled mobe-maker BlackBerry has confirmed it is "exploring strategic alternatives" to remaining as one enormous company - confirming wire reports last week of a potential breakup. The firm formerly known as RIM said a "special committee" has been formed to examine options that "could include, among others, possible joint …
Andrew Orlowski, 12 Aug 2013
Astronaut Chris Hadfield's photograph of flames from space

WTF is ... 802.15.4e?

Among the causes of the serious bushfires that are still burning near Sydney, Australia, was a tree branch falling over a powerline. Some Internet of Things (IoT) boosters suggest this kind of thing could be avoided by placing connected sensors just about everywhere so that news of a single failure could quickly trigger a useful …

40,000 Chinese workers say low-cost iPhone coming soon

The manufacturer of the still-popular iPhone 4S has said that it plans to add 40,000 workers, boosting rumors that Apple plans to release an entry-level iPhone soon. Taiwan-based Pegatron, which has manufacturing plants in Taiwan, mainland China, Mexico, and the Czech Republic, told Reuters that it plans to increase its Chinese …
Rik Myslewski, 09 May 2013
The Register breaking news

Maggie Thatcher: The Iron Lady who saved us from drab Post Office mobes

Baroness Margaret Thatcher, the former prime minister who worked alongside the world's first business computer and who privatised the UK's phone network, has died. She was 87. When Britain's Iron Lady came to power in 1979, your average Brit had just one phone, which was fixed to a wall by a wire and connected to a network …
Gavin Clarke, 09 Apr 2013
The Register breaking news

Calling all banks, insurers and IFAs - do you have an information gap?

We have a new study awaiting your input. It's specific to Financial Services, so if you don't have any involvement in that industry then we thank you, and you can skip this one. We'll be in touch again soon. If you do work in any part of the FS industry, we'd really appreciate your input.... We frequently hear statements like …
Team Register, 09 Nov 2011
The Register breaking news

Google explains 'why' ads target user's Gmail

Google has begun telling users of its Gmail service exactly why it is serving up specific ads that creepily refer to the content detailed in individual email correspondence. "Our advertising system is designed to show the right ad to the right person at the right time," said the world's largest ad broker in a blog post penned by …
Kelly Fiveash, 01 Nov 2011
The Titan supercomputer at Oak Ridge

What should replace Linpack for ranking supercomputers?

The Linpack Fortran benchmark, which has been used to gauge the relative performance of workstations and supercomputers for many decades, is looking a little long in the tooth. So, some of the people who love Linpack and know it best are proposing a new benchmark - with the mind-numbing name of High Performance Conjugate …
A boomerang

Salary packager plans cloud boomerang

Am Australian company has just deployed hosted CRM but plans to bring it back on-premises, before sending it back out to the cloud in future. The company in question is called Remunerator Group, and last year it plumped for a new Microsoft Dynamics system to beef up workflow for complaints handling. That project went well and …
Simon Sharwood, 07 Jun 2012
The Register breaking news

HYPERSONIC METEOR smashes into Russia, injuring hundreds

Up to 500 people* are believed to be injured after a meteorite blazed through the sky and smashed into central Russia this morning. The space rock, estimated by the Russian Academy of Sciences to weigh 10 tonnes, hit the atmosphere at a speed of at least 54,000km/h and is believed to have shattered around 30 to 50 km above …

Hey, Apple and Google: Stop trying to wolf the whole mobile pie

It's become a truism that the way to win in mobile is with an end-to-end, hardware-to-software-to-cloud strategy. I just wish this were as good for consumers as it seems to be for vendors. If I could get any wish fulfilled for 2013, it would be to have Apple and Google, in particular, go back to doing what they do best - rather …
Matt Asay, 03 Jan 2013

How Novell peaked, then threw it all away in a year

One grey morning in the mid 1990s, your writer was bundled on a plane and flown to somewhere in Germany - it might have been Dusseldorf - to attend the Olympics. Not those Olympics. The inaugural Certified NetWare Engineer Olympics. Marketing for tech companies is tricky, and all the harder in the '90s, when sci-fi visions of …
Joe Fay, 25 Jul 2013

BBC abandons 3D TV, cites 'disappointing' results

The BBC will suspend its 3D TV transmissions indefinitely, citing poor demand among viewers – its last hurrah will be a Dr. Who anniversary special in November. "I have never seen a very big appetite for 3D television in the UK," said Kim Shillinglaw, the BBC's head of 3D. "After that we will see what happens when the recession …
Iain Thomson, 05 Jul 2013

Ballmer comes not to praise Sinofsky but to bury him

Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer's staff memo following Steven Sinofsky's departure isn't exactly awash with praise for a man once tipped for the software giant's throne. The world of Microsoft was turned upside down by Windows 8 chief Sinofsky's sudden exit just three weeks after the launch of the new operating system. Rather than …
The Register breaking news

Black hole swallows star in GALACTIC SUPER-GUZZLE!

With billions of galaxies to choose from, it shouldn’t be hard to catch, but it is. Astronomers are celebrating after capturing the whole sequence of a star falling into a supermassive black hole. The event happens roughly once every 10,000 years per galaxy*, but you still have to be looking in the right place at the right time …
Interactive Ideas

Interactive Ideas puts 10 staffers on redundancy watch, exits retail software

Distributor Interactive Ideas has placed a small batch of staff at risk of redundancy as it jettisons the retail software biz to concentrate wholly on enterprise software and licensing. Seven years ago retail software represented 80 per cent of Interactive's total turnover but has fallen to just 7 per cent this year, said Mike …
Paul Kunert, 04 Sep 2012
Steve Barber

Hostile Xyratex investors claim CEO's scalp in aggressive haircut

Activist investors have forced out Xyratex CEO Steve Barber in their hunt for a bigger and faster return on their investment. Baker Street Capital Management has amassed a 23 per cent holding in Xyratex comprising 6.2 million shares, and believes that Xyratex's development of its ClusterStor HPC array product, following a …
Chris Mellor, 04 Apr 2013