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June Whitfield shows old people how to use Twitter to complain

June Whitfield and EE to old folk: Would you like a nice cup of tea and some internet, dear?

EE has realised that while the vast majority of their target market has at least one phone, there is a whole untapped business opportunity in older people. So the company is inviting loads of them around for a cuppa to try and sell them a phone and internet connection. On September 9th EE will be devoting the morning to hosting …
Simon Rockman, 23 Jul 2014
Curiosity Mars rover's latest hole in Mars

Curiosity GOUGES AND SCORCHES Mars with drill and laser

Nuclear-powered space tank Curiosity as struck another blow for humanity by scorching Mars with seven smears of its mighty lasers. NASA published photos of the rover's latest exploits yesterday, explaining that the latest unfurling of Curiosity's laser weapons was done after the vehicle had first unleashed its drill and …
Simon Sharwood, 16 May 2014
John Legere

T-Mobile boss: 'High and mighty' Verizon and AT&T are 'raping you for every penny you have'

T-Mobile CEO John Legere is outspoken at the best of times, but went further than ever before in his criticism of the conduct of Verizon and AT&T in the US market at the company's latest Un-carrier initiative launch. "These high and mighty duopolists that are raping you for every penny you have," Legere said. "The fuckers hate …
Iain Thomson, 19 Jun 2014
Terminators

Who wants a ROBO-BUTLER? Google and pals do – and they've just put $2m towards it

Google has placed a bet on a robotics company that is working to create "services" robots for use in hospitals, care homes or hotels. Mountain View's investment arm, Google Ventures, handed over an undisclosed sum of money to startup Savioke, which is headed up by Steve Cousins, former CEO of PR2-maker and robotics pioneer …
Jasper Hamill, 10 Apr 2014
The original 'Bondi Blue' iMac G3

The Mac at 30: Hardware and software wars – again and again and ...

The countdown continues as we step through the 10 most important events that have shaped the evolution of the Apple Macintosh over the past 30 years. Click here for Part 1... or read on. In this episode: the return of the prodigal son, the attack of the clones, the invasion of Chipzilla, and how an old enemy came to the rescue …

Ericsson and Ciena ink SDN development and distribution deal

Telecoms giant Ericsson will develop capabilities targeting software-defined networking and IP-optical convergence under a distribution deal with network specialist Ciena. Under the agreement, Ericsson will sell Ciena’s Converged Packet Optical systems, including the 6500 Packet Optical Platform and 5400 family. The former …
Gavin Clarke, 17 Feb 2014

Steve Jobs statue: Ones and ohs and OH NOES – it's POINTING at us

Apple godhead Steve Jobs was known for his love of superb but pricey design and flawless aesthetics. So why on Earth has the fruity firm decided to immortalise him with a monstrous statue that's been described as a "huge dildo" for fanbois? Twitter critics have erupted in rage and disbelief after the statue was unveiled on the …
Jasper Hamill, 27 Feb 2014
BlackBerry logo

BlackBerry sets BBM Voice and Channels live on iOS and Android

Terminally consolidating smartphone firm BlackBerry has added support for its Voice and Channel services on the BlackBerry Messenger (BBM) app for Android and iOS. The company said that the update would bring a new set of collaboration and telephony options to users who still run BBM on their Apple and Android devices. The BBM …
Shaun Nichols, 13 Feb 2014

Windows users: You get a patch! And you get a patch! And you get a patch! Everybody gets...

Microsoft has issued its usual warning to admins ahead of this month's Patch Tuesday – and servers are getting some serious fixes. Redmond will be pinging out six parcels of patches; two critical batches, three important and one rated moderate – the latter covering the service bus for Windows Server. But Windows RT, Server 2008 …
Iain Thomson, 03 Jul 2014
Sonos Facebook

Sonos AXES support for Apple's iOS4 and 5

With the ominous words “We take your investment in Sonos very seriously,” Sonos has killed off support for iOS v4 and 5 devices. Sonos makes software app-controlled Wi-Fi speakers that can play audio streamed from Android, iOS, Windows and Mac OSX devices. The iThings can play local audio files on the speakers or relay music/ …
Chris Mellor, 29 Jul 2014
The guts of a Unitrends hardware appliance

Dell and Unitrends both bulk up their backup

There’s feverish development in the SME backup market as Dell and Unitrends follow NAKIVO in fortifying their product offerings. Dell has added stuff to its SME AppAssure backup products with a new SW version and a new appliance, the DL1000. It’s also added the DR2000v to its deduplicating backup appliance range. The latest …
Chris Mellor, 22 Jul 2014
Bug bounties

Roll out the welcome mat to hackers and crackers

A clear and easy to read policy is key to developing a good internal bug bounty program, according to BugCrowd which has published guidelines to help businesses encourage the security community to report vulnerabilities. Bug bounties are an increasingly popular means to provide a legally safe avenue for security researchers to …
Darren Pauli, 25 Jul 2014

Blighty will be BIGGER and BETTER than Germany, confirm beancounters

Britain's teamsters may not be setting the sporting stage alight this summer but the local tech economy is heating up as it sprints to Euro glory. Figures from Chancellor George Osborne late last week showed that overall UK economic output is some two per cent larger than pre-financial crisis levels in 2008, after rising 0.8 per …
Paul Kunert, 28 Jul 2014

Bad back? Show some spine and stop popping paracetamol

The human spine is poorly-designed for the rigours of modern life, but so are the drugs most commonly prescribed to help you endure a bad back. That's the conclusion of a new study looking into whether paracetamol, the drug most often suggested to treat bad backs, actually helps. Reported in The Lancet, the study funded by the …
Simon Sharwood, 24 Jul 2014
Malware

Attackers raid SWISS BANKS with DNS and malware bombs

Attackers suspected of residing in Russia are raiding Swiss bank accounts with a multi-faceted attack that intercepts SMS tokens and changes domain name system settings, researchers have warned. The attacks sported a clever implementation of malware that pointed victim machines to replica phishing bank sites when they attempt to …
Darren Pauli, 23 Jul 2014
Keep out sign with deleted expletive

EFF looses Privacy Badger to munch cookies and scripts

Chrome and Firefox users can get a better handle on who is tracking their browsing, with the EFF releasing its Privacy Badger browser plug-in to public beta. Privacy Badger, which went in front of alpha testers in May 2014, both exposes Websites' tracking behaviour and lets users control what sites can see. As the EFF explains …

SHOCK and AWS: The fall of Amazon's deflationary cloud

It's tough being a victim of your own business strategy, especially if you're Amazon founder and CEO Jeff Bezos. After spending twenty years applying a combination of price cuts, smart logistics, and ruthless efficiency to the publishing and music industries, Bezos' Amazon has grown into a vast company. But now the company's …
Jack Clark, 26 Jul 2014

Unbridled BONKING and rampant ROGERING at YOUR office!

Youtube Video Sex sex sex, that’s all we think about, apparently. I think I read somewhere that men think about sex every seven seconds. But then you shouldn’t believe everything you read because a person could hardly concentrate on (SEX) matters on a day-to-day basis if this was the case and you would turn into a (SEX) machine …
Alistair Dabbs, 18 Jul 2014
Columns of coins in the cloud

TV rudeboy and Outsourcery boss Linney joins Gov.UK SME panel

The government has enlisted the boss of an SME yet to win any business via G-Cloud to advise on ways to, er, oil the wheels of commerce for other small traders that have similarly found public sector contract success elusive. Dragons' Den star Piers Linney, joint head at AIM-listed, cloudy infrastructure biz Outsourcery, is the …
Paul Kunert, 29 Jul 2014

Indian techies-in-training face down MAN-EATING LEOPARD - and WIN

You've heard of the tiger that came to tea, but what about the leopard that came to lessons? That's exactly what techies-in-training at the Indian Institute of Technology in Bombay had to deal with when a big cat invaded their campus. After a leopard was spotted by the metallurgy department last week, the local forestry …
Jasper Hamill, 29 Jul 2014
Euro notes

Termination charges drop smacks Vodafone and EE in the WALLET

The reduction in how much mobile networks receive for handling incoming calls has hit both Vodafone and EE so hard that they have both separated out the charges in interim financial reports. Brit multinational Vodafone announced a global drop in its revenue of 4.2 per cent for the quarter while UK mobile firm EE's financials saw …
Simon Rockman, 25 Jul 2014
The chinese characters for China as used in the new .中国  domain

China blocks Flickr and OneDrive

China appears to have tweaked the Great Firewall to block Yahoo!'s Flickr photo-sharing service and Microsoft's OneDrive cloud storage offering. The timing of the blocks, reported by transparency monitoring outfit GreatFire.org, looks convenient inasmuch as Hong Kong this week saw substantial pro-democracy rallies in Hong Kong …
Simon Sharwood, 04 Jul 2014
From left to right: Mastodon, mammoth, gomphothere. Credit: Sergio de la Rosa

Native Americans KILLED AND ATE DUMBO, say archaeologists

The primitive folk assessed by many archaeologists as being the original native Americans – that is, the Clovis people – killed and ate the lovable prehistoric elephants that inhabited the continent alongside them, scientists say. From left to right: Mastodon, mammoth, gomphothere. Credit: Sergio de la Rosa Majestic, delicious …
Lewis Page, 15 Jul 2014

SAP gets into OpenStack bed with... ORACLE? (and 100 others)

SAP is preparing to work with arch-rival Oracle on developing open-source software that will benefit both companies' products. This perplexing state of affairs was announced by SAP on Tuesday when it said it had become a "Corporate Sponsor" of the OpenStack Foundation to the tune of $25,000 a year. Oracle is also a sponsor, as …
Jack Clark, 22 Jul 2014
Robot wearing mortar board and brandishing certificates

Microsoft's MCSE and MCSD will become HARDER to win

Microsoft has decided it won't replace the Masters-level certifications it once described as the "pinnacle" of a Redmond-centric IT pro's education. Redmond ”retired” the Microsoft Certified Master (MCM), Microsoft Certified Solutions Master (MCSM), and Microsoft Certified Architect (MCA) certifications last year. At the time …
Simon Sharwood, 22 Jul 2014
Artist’s impression of deep blue planet HD 189733b

MARS NEEDS OCEANS to support life - and so do exoplanets

Everyone knows that exoplanets need to be in the sweet Goldilocks spot (“not too hot, not too cold, just right”) next to their sun to support alien life: but now British boffins have said they reckon oceans might be necessary too. Artist’s impression of deep blue planet HD 189733b Researchers at the University of East Anglia …
Burning copyright symbol. Photo by: Martin Fisch http://www.flickr.com/photos/marfis75/ on flickr"

Australia floats website blocks and ISP liability to stop copyright thieves

Australia's is pondering whether it needs the power to block websites that facilitate copyright infringement. Crikey revealed a draft of a discussion paper on “Online Copyright Infringement” that offers three remedies. The first, “Extended Authorisation Liability”, would strike down the legal principle that internet service …
Simon Sharwood, 25 Jul 2014
BBC iPlayer

Auntie remains MYSTIFIED by that weekend BBC iPlayer and website outage

BBC techies have no idea why the load on its database "went through the roof" last weekend, when Auntie was struck by a huge, two-pronged outage that caused its iPlayer service and website to go titsup. During the downtime, the Beeb was pretty reticent on social media about what had gone wrong, preferring instead to simply post …
Kelly Fiveash, 24 Jul 2014
Fraud image

New licence and SAP unit sale knackers Software AG's numbers

Delayed IT projects and offloading the SAP business have dealt Software AG’s business a double blow for its latest quarter. Germany’s other major software maker today reported a second-quarter revenue drop of 18 per cent to €196m ($263.9m) and net income halved to €14.2m ($19.1m). Earnings per share was also almost halved to €0 …
Gavin Clarke, 24 Jul 2014
Atari Games: Gauntlet

Running the Gauntlet: Atari's classic ... now and then

Rumours of a new version of the Atari classic Gauntlet at E3 took me straight back to the arcade circa 1985. I remember being dwarfed as a preteen by the fearsome presence of Gauntlet’s massive cabinet. It dominated the arcade and the rest of the machines in the room with its huge screen and impressive multicoloured keypad. …
Lucy Orr, 16 Jul 2014
The Valley - code

NO MORE ALL CAPS and other pleasures of Visual Studio 14

Microsoft has released a second preview of the next major release of Visual Studio. Much of the attention has gone on Microsoft’s embrace of open source, with the Roslyn .NET code compiler. But is this isn’t necessarily the biggest change in Microsoft’s comprehensive dev suite. There’s a radical change coming to ASP.NET and …
Tim Anderson, 23 Jul 2014
Happy child at Christmas with a tablet

Apple and Android split Santa's stash, go on Xmas PC and tab high

Apple sold more tablets and PCs than anybody over the Christmas trading period but – just like everybody else – it felt growing pressure from Google’s Android. That is the story of PC and tablet makers for the fourth quarter of 2013, according to the first numbers for the period from analyst outfit Canalys, given to The Register …
Gavin Clarke, 31 Jan 2014

Out of Luczo, Seagate? Revenues and profits are shrinking again

Seagate chairman and CEO Steve Luczo is watching his company's revenues and profits shrink for the second year in a row – Seagate’s immense disk business business is spinning more slowly these days. For its fourth fiscal quarter, ended 27 June, revenues were $3.3bn, 3.7 per cent down on last year’s Q4 and 3 per cent down on the …
Chris Mellor, 18 Jul 2014

Healthy Fibre biz fattens QLogic's bottom line... and not before time

It's a new fiscal year and a fresh first quarter for QLogic... and it looks like Q’s droopy revenue woes are set to end. It appears to have bottomed out, with numbers once again on the rise as Q starts growing again. Generally speaking, Q supplies storage access adapters and controllers for Fibre Channel and Ethernet. Revenues …
Chris Mellor, 25 Jul 2014
Ben Goldacre

VMware wants IM clients to hookup with calendars and databases

Not content with building a chatbot that lets servers tell you what ails them over instant messaging applications, VMware is also seeking a patent to let messaging tools rummage around in your calendar and suck down data from Google. The newly-published patent application, numbered 20140195621 and titled “Intelligent Chat System …
Simon Sharwood, 18 Jul 2014
Tor

Putin: Crack Tor for me and I'll make you a MILLIONAIRE

Russia's Interior Ministry has posted a tender seeking parties willing to “study the possibility of obtaining technical information about users (user equipment) TOR anonymous network". The tender appears to be open only to organisations rated to do secret work for the Russian government, but concluding that means the project has …
Simon Sharwood, 25 Jul 2014
Double Facepalm; when one facepalm is not enough.

Stop begging, startup-land, and start YELLING at Catch of the Day

Thank you, Catch of the Day: in taking three years – three years – to own up to a data breach (and by the way doing it late on a Friday afternoon), Australians have had a first-rate demonstration of why we need data breach disclosure laws. It would be welcome news that the egregious Asshat-of-the-Day episode has finally …
Ejection_seat

Donahue grabs Atlantis double crown: Takes CEO and pres titles

Atlantis Computing, the ILIO VDI and USX VMware acceleration software company, has replaced its CEO. Jason Donahue will be taking over from Bernard Harguindeguy. Donahue becomes CEO and president and joins the board. Chetan Venkatesh, the chief technology officer and founder of Atlantis, said: “Jason Donahue is someone who …
Chris Mellor, 16 Jul 2014
Microsoft CEO Satya Nadella

Nadella: Apps must run on ALL WINDOWS – PCs, slabs and mobes

Microsoft CEO Satya Nadella talked up the big changes he has in store for the company during a conference call with financial analysts on Tuesday. And among his plans were "universal" apps that can run on any Windows platform. There was little talk of layoffs, beyond what Nadella and new Microsoft phones boss Stephen Elop …
Neil McAllister, 23 Jul 2014

British data cops: We need greater powers and more money

The UK's data privacy watchdog is lobbying for greater powers and funding after reporting a bumper workload. The latest annual report from the Information Commissioner’s Office (ICO) (PDF) reveals that the bureau responded to a record number of data protection and freedom of information complaints in the year to April 2014. The …
John Leyden, 15 Jul 2014

FBI and pals grab banking Trojan zombielord's joystick

Law enforcement and the security business have teamed up to disrupt the operation of the Shylock banking Trojan. The UK's National Crime Agency joined forces with Europol and the FBI to take down and seize the command and control servers key to running the botnet. Law enforcement also took control of the domains Shylock uses for …
John Leyden, 11 Jul 2014
Great Wall of China

VMware launches vCHS in Japan and reveals China Telecom partnership

As El Reg predicted last week, VMware will offer its cloud hybrid service (vCHS) in Japan, and has also revealed a plan to launch the service in China. In Japan, SoftBank will deliver the service from a single Tokyo data centre. A private beta of the service started today and Sanjay Mirchandani, VMware's senior veep and GM for …
Simon Sharwood, 15 Jul 2014
2001 HAL poster

Microsoft's new 'Adam' AI trounces Google ... and beats HUMANS

The battle for neural-network dominance has heated up as Microsoft has developed a cutting-edge image-recognition system that has trounced a system from Google. The company revealed "Project Adam" on Monday and claimed that the system is fifty times faster and roughly twice as accurate as Google's own DistBelief system. In one …
Jack Clark, 15 Jul 2014
using mobile when, er, upwardly mobile

Ofcom says yes to sat broadband on PLANES (and trains and ships)

A generous allocation of 4,128 MHz worth of spectrum running from 27.5GHz to 30GHz (albeit not contiguous) will give data speeds of 50Mbit/sec to a single plane or ship and an estimated 10Mbit/sec per user thanks to a new frequency allocation from Ofcom. The ruling allows "Earth station antennas" on moving vehicles which will …
Simon Rockman, 22 Jan 2014

Stephen Elop: 'Hello there' (and goodbye to 12,500 of you)

How would you like to be told that you may have lost your job? Probably not with an email which started with the phrase: "Hello there." But that's how Microsoft mobile boss Stephen Elop began his missive to the Microsoft Devices Group, burying the news about killing off Nokia X in par four, and the bit about which operations in …
Jasper Hamill, 18 Jul 2014
Screenshot of a revamped Windows 8.x Start Menu

August Patch Tuesday to bring Windows bug fixes AND FEATURES – report

Microsoft's next major update roll-out for Windows 8.1 may be less than a month away, if the latest rumors are to be believed, but just what will be so "major" about it is still anybody's guess. Over the last few months, we've heard plenty of talk about a follow-up to April's Windows 8.1 Update – itself a release so significant …
Neil McAllister, 21 Jul 2014
A fake tattoo on the leg of Canberra Raiders footballer Sandor Earl, sent by Huawei as an April Fool

Huawei to virtual world: Give us your desktops and no-one gets hurt

Huawei's ambitions in the virtualisation market centre on desktop virtualisation and network function virtualisation for telcos, according to the company's CTO for data centre solutions Ron Raffensperger. The Chinese company was this year's only new entrant to Gartner's Magic Quadrant for x86 virtualisation, a position that the …
Simon Sharwood, 25 Jul 2014
Dr Dre Beats Solo

Forgot About Dre? Not us. Euro bods give nod to Apple and Beats deal

The European Commission has given its official blessing to the $3bn acquisition by Apple of headphone manufacturer Beats. After considering whether the link-up fitted in with merger regulations, the antitrust regulators decided the two firms were sufficiently different that there was no concerns about competition. In a …
Jasper Hamill, 28 Jul 2014

Move up, Siri and Cortana: BlackBerry's new... 'Assistant' is here

BlackBerry has unveiled a voice-powered assistant due to appear on its BB10 devices later this year. Imaginatively named er, "BlackBerry Assistant", the speech software hooks into web searches, social media and basic phone functions, like Apple's Siri, Microsoft's Cortana, and Google Now. We tried Assistant on a very early leak …
Andrew Orlowski, 17 Jul 2014
WASP-12b getting devoured by its sun

The Sun took a day off last week and made NO sunspots

The Sun seems to have given itself a few days off. As noted by the Solar Dynamics Observatory, with reference to data from the Royal Observatory of Belgium's Sunspot Index and Long-term Solar Observations (SILSO) project, last Thursday July 17th saw the Sun produce no sunspots. That's the first sunspot-free day since 2011. And …
Simon Sharwood, 21 Jul 2014