Original URL: https://www.theregister.com/2014/02/21/bull_internet_antidote/
Terrifying photo special: 'Electric Cannon' anal orgasmo-probe in use ... on a BULL
Our snapper suffers lifelong mental scars, now you can too
Posted in Bootnotes, 21st February 2014 16:37 GMT
NSFW For the benefit of those readers feeling frankly tired of the internet this fine February Friday, we're delighted to present a picture special so bereft of an IT angle that we're not even going to bother attempting to concoct a vaguely tenuous link.
Yes indeed, if you've ever wondered - like you do - just how you milk a bull, and indeed just why on God's green earth you'd want to, the illuminating truth is about to be revealed.
Introducing, then, local vet Rubén Prieto Moreno, of Clínica Veterinaria Gredos, the man who tends to my donkeys and has my mutt pack running for the hills when he rolls up to administer their annual rabies shots.
Mutt packs beware: Rubén Prieto Moreno
Rubén studied at the Universidad Complutense de Madrid, and has been bothering animals around the town of El Barco de Ávila for 11 years. Earlier this week, he told me he'd been tasked with checking the fertility of a limousin bull, before the beast got jiggy with his harem of heifers, so I decided to tag along to see how it's done.
We hooked up bright an early with farmers Vicente and Demetrio, with local lad and trainee vet Israel also in attendance to get some hands-on experience in the final stretch of his five-year university course.
Vicente, Demetrio, Rubén and Israel prepare for action
The instruments of torture are impressive indeed, with a 12V ejaculator and its Flash Gordon 1950s retro style probe forming an impressive conjunction of kit. Note the XLR connection for the probe - that's as close to a tech angle as this gets.
XLR: Invented by James H. Cannon of Cannon Electric in California
First up, Demetrio and Vicente corralled the animal...
At this point, the bull wan't looking at all impressed
Giving it some stick
...then Israel drew the short straw and got literally stuck into what must rank in the top ten "worst jobs ever", viz: removing faeces from the animal's rear end. He admitted: "It's a dirty job but someone's got to do it."
It's a dirty job, but someone has to do it
Rather you than me mate, seriously. At this point, the bull wan't looking at all impressed ...
Let me out of here and I'll have the lot of you
...but a quick testicular massage doubtless gave the creature the impression that his ordeal might after all have a happy ending:
Promise of a happy ending
Warning: Smegma
However, this light 'nad tickling was actually the prelude to inserting a raspador (scraper) into the bull's urethra to obtain a sample of smegma.
This won't hurt a bit
This is bagged and tagged and sent off to the lab, where it's tested for presence of the protozoan parasite Tritrichomonas foetus and the bacteria Campylobacter fetus.
Right, get this to the lab asap
With the foreplay over, poor old Israel got to insert the ejaculator probe in the bull's behind:
Gently does it
Ok, let her rip
Rubén now fired up the orgasmatron...
Does this thing go up to 11?
Hmmm... Does this thing go up to 11?
...and positioned himself to collect a semen sample:
Come on then...
The bull oysters are collected in a tube surrounded by a bag of water at 36°C. This is to prevent the sperm immediately popping their tails in cold weather, Rubén explained.
Waiting for the money shot
The Happy Ending
In this case, the bull evidently wasn't in the mood, producing about 1cc of ejaculate...
Hardly a tsunami, but it'll do
... although Rubén assured me this was more than enough for testing purposes. All that remained was to stick the sample in a thermos-type container, to allow it to cool gradually before refrigeration and dispatch to the lab.
The job's a good 'un
The test results showed the bull fit for action, and he can now get down to business.
Thanks to all involved for letting me capture these intimate photos of what was an illuminating, eye-opening, and indeed eye-watering process. ®
Bootnote
Anyone wishing to enjoy a more explicit toro-milking should eyeball this vid from Rubén's YouTube presence, which is probably NSFW, unless you're a vet, or have been specifically asked by your boss to research techniques for obtaining bovine sperm.