Original URL: http://www.theregister.co.uk/2014/02/21/bull_internet_antidote/

Terrifying photo special: 'Electric Cannon' anal orgasmo-probe in use ... on a BULL

Our snapper suffers lifelong mental scars, now you can too

By Lester Haines

Posted in Bootnotes, 21st February 2014 16:37 GMT

NSFW For the benefit of those readers feeling frankly tired of the internet this fine February Friday, we're delighted to present a picture special so bereft of an IT angle that we're not even going to bother attempting to concoct a vaguely tenuous link.

Yes indeed, if you've ever wondered - like you do - just how you milk a bull, and indeed just why on God's green earth you'd want to, the illuminating truth is about to be revealed.

Introducing, then, local vet Rubén Prieto Moreno, of Clínica Veterinaria Gredos, the man who tends to my donkeys and has my mutt pack running for the hills when he rolls up to administer their annual rabies shots.

Ruben Prieto Moreno

Mutt packs beware: Rubén Prieto Moreno

Rubén studied at the Universidad Complutense de Madrid, and has been bothering animals around the town of El Barco de Ávila for 11 years. Earlier this week, he told me he'd been tasked with checking the fertility of a limousin bull, before the beast got jiggy with his harem of heifers, so I decided to tag along to see how it's done.

We hooked up bright an early with farmers Vicente and Demetrio, with local lad and trainee vet Israel also in attendance to get some hands-on experience in the final stretch of his five-year university course.

Two vets, two farmers and one bull in a field

Vicente, Demetrio, Rubén and Israel prepare for action

The instruments of torture are impressive indeed, with a 12V ejaculator and its Flash Gordon 1950s retro style probe forming an impressive conjunction of kit. Note the XLR connection for the probe - that's as close to a tech angle as this gets.

The kit required to collect bull sperm

XLR: Invented by James H. Cannon of Cannon Electric in California

First up, Demetrio and Vicente corralled the animal...

At this point, the bull wan't looking at all impressed

The farmers persuade the bull into a pen

Giving it some stick

...then Israel drew the short straw and got literally stuck into what must rank in the top ten "worst jobs ever", viz: removing faeces from the animal's rear end. He admitted: "It's a dirty job but someone's got to do it."

Removing faeces from the bull's rear end

It's a dirty job, but someone has to do it

Rather you than me mate, seriously. At this point, the bull wan't looking at all impressed ...

The bull looks out rather angrily from the pen

Let me out of here and I'll have the lot of you

...but a quick testicular massage doubtless gave the creature the impression that his ordeal might after all have a happy ending:

Ruben massages the bull's nether regions

Promise of a happy ending

Warning: Smegma

However, this light 'nad tickling was actually the prelude to inserting a raspador (scraper) into the bull's urethra to obtain a sample of smegma.

Ruben inserts the scraper into the bull's penis

This won't hurt a bit

This is bagged and tagged and sent off to the lab, where it's tested for presence of the protozoan parasite Tritrichomonas foetus and the bacteria Campylobacter fetus.

Ruben inspects the sample from the bull's penis

Right, get this to the lab asap

With the foreplay over, poor old Israel got to insert the ejaculator probe in the bull's behind:

Inserting the ejaculator probe up the bull's rectum

Gently does it

The ejaculator fully inserted

Ok, let her rip

Rubén now fired up the orgasmatron...

Does this thing go up to 11?

Ruben prepares to hit the button on the ejaculator

Hmmm... Does this thing go up to 11?

...and positioned himself to collect a semen sample:

Attempting to collect semen in a tube

Come on then...

The bull oysters are collected in a tube surrounded by a bag of water at 36°C. This is to prevent the sperm immediately popping their tails in cold weather, Rubén explained.

Everyone waits while Ruben attempts a collection

Waiting for the money shot

The Happy Ending

In this case, the bull evidently wasn't in the mood, producing about 1cc of ejaculate...

Ruben inspects the collected sperm

Hardly a tsunami, but it'll do

... although Rubén assured me this was more than enough for testing purposes. All that remained was to stick the sample in a thermos-type container, to allow it to cool gradually before refrigeration and dispatch to the lab.

Ruben puts the sample in an insulated container

The job's a good 'un

The test results showed the bull fit for action, and he can now get down to business.

Thanks to all involved for letting me capture these intimate photos of what was an illuminating, eye-opening, and indeed eye-watering process. ®

Bootnote

Anyone wishing to enjoy a more explicit toro-milking should eyeball this vid from Rubén's YouTube presence, which is probably NSFW, unless you're a vet, or have been specifically asked by your boss to research techniques for obtaining bovine sperm.