Original URL: https://www.theregister.com/2010/04/01/lhc_fifth_dimension_incursion/
DIMENSIONAL PORTAL INCURSION AT THE LHC!
Elite troops confront 'response' to 7 TeV collisions
Posted in Science, 1st April 2010 08:47 GMT
April Fools In shock news, it has emerged that recent record-breaking increases in particle ring energy achieved at the Large Hadron Collider (LHC) - the most powerful atomsmasher ever assembled by the human race - have caused a hyperdimensional portal leading to an inhabited parallel universe to open up deep beneath Switzerland, in what may be the opening move of a cross-continuum invasion campaign.
A secret international task force of special-forces troops is said to be assembling at the Collider to deal with a 'response' from the fifth dimension to a hyperdimensional energy discharge emitted from the LHC.
Imagery of the initial supersymmetry event passed to us by online enthusiasts.
The opening of the dimensional gateway is being kept subject to a governmental news blackout to avoid a global panic. However, keen amateur LHC-watching enthusiasts, familiar with the many internal websites used to run and monitor the mighty Collider, stumbled across imagery last night confirming that a "supersymmetric" event had taken place following a particle collision inside the huge, subterranean ATLAS instrument cavern.
Supersymmetry, in layman's terms, is a phenomenon called for by a theory in physics which states that there are actually ten dimensions rather than the humdrum four of the space-time we can normally perceive. This has now been proven to be correct.
According to the data accompanying the picture, one of the unprecedentedly powerful 7 tera-electron-volt (TeV) collisions which began at the LHC just two days ago generated a pair of supersymmetric particles which then broke down via muon decay. This caused a small 283 giga-electron-volt energy discharge to be emitted transversely out of our four-dimensional spacetime and into the fifth dimension.
So much had long been expected by physicists. Sergio Bertolucci, Director for Research and Scientific Computing at CERN, told the Reg last year that he anticipated the opening of hyperdimensional "doors" during high-energy LHC collisions.
"Out of this door might come something, or we might send something through it," said the physicist, on that occasion.
Bertolucci expected that such doors would be sub-subatomic in size, and only exist for ultra-tiny instants of time - 10-26 seconds - in line with the data passed to us by the LHC-watchers.
Excited by the supersymmetry tipoff, we here on the Reg hyperboffinry desk contacted a high-level insider source at CERN in Switzerland regarding the event - and found we didn't know the half of it.
Blue glowing ball 'must be a response' from the FIFTH DIMENSION
According to our contact, approximately 3 and a half minutes after the tiny and incredibly brief supersymmetry event in the ATLAS instrument, a much larger and apparently stable transdimensional "door" flowered into existence within the ATLAS cavern, suspended mid-air slightly to one side of the Collider's magnets and the ATLAS itself. The portal, described initially as a "glowing, bluish, spherical object about 2 metres in diameter", was spotted on CCTV by ATLAS boffins - no personnel are allowed in the cavern during beam operations for radiation safety reasons.
"There's no way that the LHC could have generated such a large 'door', or sustained it so long," our source wrote in a hasty email early this morning.
"There's no technology we know of that could do that, and even if there was the entire human race doesn't have access to enough energy to power it."
"We think it must be a response to the supersymmetric energy discharge from our side," he added, enigmatically.
We followed up with more questions, but haven't received any further response as of publication. Enquiries through official channels elicited a boilerplate denial, but that means nothing - CERN spokesmen have attempted to hush up major incidents at the LHC before.
Events at the LHC since the early hours of this morning remain unclear. However it appears that the Swiss government may have called in outside help. Online enthusiasts reported sightings of unidentified soldiers in combat equipment on various CERN webcams, before all imagery was abruptly replaced with stock footage showing routine scenes - in many cases with telltale evidence such as apparently months-old newspapers or magazines, or clocks and watches showing times at variance with reality.
Meanwhile unconfirmed reports have it that various elite special-forces units belonging to the member nations of CERN have been despatched to Geneva. Elements of the British SAS are thought to have arrived at CERN headquarters just hours ago, joining French GIGN and German GSG9 operatives at the scene. It is thought that members of the elite Swiss police "Stern" tactical unit descended into the underground complex housing the ATLAS experiment early this morning, and have not returned.
One anonymous Reg informant - in a message originating from an IP address registered to CERN at Geneva - has reported explosions, gunfire and screams coming from the access shafts leading down to the ATLAS cavern 70 metres below ground level. Others have described heavy helicopter traffic at the complex, the arrival of several unmarked military transport planes at the adjacent Geneva airport in the early hours of this morning, and in one case "a blue vertical beam like a searchlight" intermittently shining up from the ATLAS facility before cutting out.
British Ministry of Defence spokesmen this morning couldn't deny that UK elite troops are in Switzerland fighting as part of an international taskforce to resist a hyperdimensional invasion. However they refused to give any details.
"It is MoD policy that we never comment on Special Forces operations," said a spokesperson.
More reports are coming in on this story: we may or may not be able to publish them, as our legal team are even now considering a message we've just received via the DA-Notice System. ®
Bootnote
April Fools!