Nation's moral guardians snap over 'shag bands'
MP battles 'terrifying wave of promiscuous behaviour'
Parents be warned: If you spot your seven-year-old daughter sneaking off to school sporting innocent-looking "cheap coloured plastic bracelets", it means she's actually inviting the opposite sex to snap her "shag bands" in return for sexual favours - part of a "terrifying wave of promiscuous behaviour" which threatens to undermine British society.
That, at least, is according to the Sun, which has clocked on to the shag band craze sweeping the UK's playgrounds. The paper explains: "Kids chase each other around schools and, if they break the band off the wearer's wrist, the wearer has to offer the physical act that corresponds to the colour of the band."
One 12-year-old girl told the paper: "A yellow band is the best because all it means is you have to hug a boy. An orange means a love bite and purple is a full-on snog. If a boy breaks a pink band, a girl has to flash her boobs, a red band means you have to give him a lap dance and a blue is some sort of oral sex.
"The black means you have to go all the way with a boy. A gold band is the most important and means you have to do all of the above."
She added: "They are pretty rare, so if you find a gold band in a shop, you have to get your mum to buy it."
In fact, the exact nature of the sexual favour involved varies according to region. According to one expert here, while black does indeed mean full sex, white represents "flash ur tits or dick", purple/orange = kiss, and oral is actually represented by green.
The Sun's teen informant confirmed: "My seven-year-old cousin came to stay with us - and she lives miles away. She said a green band at her school meant fondling a boy and that pink meant sucking his neck until you draw blood."
Chillingly, the girl noted: "People in my class say they've had sex when somebody has snapped their black band. I don't know if they're telling the truth."
Well, further field reports seem to confirm the shag band-fuelled degeneracy tsunami. One yoof says they're "fun to use, but a goofy boy snapped 3 of my best ones… had to give him oral and he gave me a lickout etc. ew shagbands are bad sometimes…"
Another girl admits: "i have a green a pink a purple a yellow and a orange i snapped my black one with this lad called grant he acctually told me i had to do it luckly hes ded fit."
Mercifully, one MP has taken up the sword of decency against shag bands. Department of Health whip Mary Creagh, member for Wakefield, last week called for their sale to be banned for the under-16s.
She explained to the BBC that the issue "came to her attention after hearing from her local newspaper about parents who had bought the bands to put in children's party bags, but were 'absolutely horrified' when they read details on the packaging".
She added: "What I think we have here is the commercialisation of childhood. We are bringing sexual language and activity into the playground and I think mums and dads are absolutely right to be worried."
Creagh said she'd written to one of several high street shops punting shag bands, asking it to desist in undermining youth morality, but that it had told her to take a running jump.
The unnamed shop described shag bands as a "fashion accessory", a "national craze" and in "no way sexually explicit", and said in a statement is is "currently taking legal advice to see what action can be taken against the MP for Wakefield, who has made repeated allegations which are inaccurate."
Creagh won't let the matter lie, though, and has "written to the Children's Secretary Ed Balls and Business Secretary Lord Mandelson about the issue".
Back at the Sun, meanwhile, parents are assured that even if their kids aren't snapping at shag bands, they're more than likely debauching it up at "rainbow parties" - drug and booze-fuelled gatherings "where girls wear bright lipstick of different colours to leave their 'mark' on boys while giving them oral sex".
An unnamed teen blogger allegedly confirmed: "I love sex parties and try to arrange a rainbow party at least once a month. It's all we talk about at school and we always find a free house where we can get together.
"I'm a champion at rainbow parties and always try my best to leave my mark on the most boys. It's fun and the blokes love it - obviously."
Disturbing stuff. We have no doubt a ban on the sale of bright lipstick to under-16s will nip this promiscuity in the bud. ®