Original URL: https://www.theregister.com/2009/09/14/verity_stob_abigails_party/
Abigail's Windows 7 Party
Cry if you want to
Posted in Columnists, 14th September 2009 10:31 GMT
Stob What are you doing on Oct 22? Microsoft is putting a Tupperware-style twist on the upcoming Windows 7 rollout, launching a new initiative to encourage thousands of employees, partners and technology enthusiasts to throw parties in their homes and communities to demonstrate and help spread the word about its new OS - Slashdot
Party themes from which you can choose include "PhotoPalooza, Media Mania, Setting up with Ease, and Family Friendly Fun". - El Reg
Hiiiiiyah Verity, mwah! mwah! Thanks so much for coming out on a night like this. Come on in, and let me take your coat. You look lovely, darling.
You found us then. I don't know what is going on over there. Disgraceful that we don't know our neighbours across the street - that's London for you. Yes, they put those fancy lights up on the roof today - I think it supposed to be a picture of something. It is a bit early for Christmas. They must be having a party too. Still, you managed to find the right one, hahaha. No, hardly anybody yet.
You shouldn't have, there was no need for that. Well, you can never have too many bottles of dry white, can you? Let's see. Oh. No-no, that's fine. I didn't know that Lidl did wine either, but you are the second person tonight, so what do I know? Obviously the choice of the connoisseur, eh? Come through to the kitchen and we'll get you fixed up with a glass.
Oh. It's a bit crowded in here, isn't it? Stand aside, guys, make room. Geoffrey, a drink for Verity, please. You know Wooj and Peter, don't you? And - guys, guys, a moment please? John and Veronica Paterson, this is Verity - and this is Denise and Eric - and this is...
Excuse me, boys, but what are you doing with my Windows 7 table top decorative centrepiece? Please be very careful. Yes, I can see you men have dropped your free gift Windows 7 memory sticks into it, Eric, although I don't remember saying anyone could open their Windows 7 tote bags yet. My question was: why are you putting you free gift memory sticks into the table top centrepiece?
What? What does Veronica do, when she has picked one out? What? Oh no, I don't think she had better do that. Actually, I think that's disgusting, and I'm pretty sure that it's against Microsoft's Ts and Cs. I don't care if you do think I'm just an old fridge magnet, Eric. I'm not going to let you spoil the party for everybody.
Look, let's not have an argument about it now. Just put everything back and we'll say no more. Verity, take no notice of these... these silly people, come on through to the sitting room. Why don't you park your bottom on the... Ah, yes, this little chap is James. Denise's babysitter let her down at the last minute - that's London for you. Isn't he sweet? But he's terribly shy. Hello Jamie, meet Aunty Verity. Say hello to Aunty Verity, Jamie-Wamie. Ooogy-poogy poo! Oooogy poogy coogy woogy...
Eugh. Jamie, no, bad boy, stop that. Denise? Denise, darling, can you come and take charge of Jamie, please? No, I dare say they won't do him any harm, Denise, but that's not the only consideration. Think if somebody else wants to do the Windows 7 Desktop Design puzzle. It's hardly hygienic, and they won't be able to finish it.
Vista? Perish the thought
What Verity? Hahaha, you are amusing. Did you hear what Aunty Verity said Jamie? She said, why don't you play 'stuffing spitty balls of Windows 7 napkin down the back of the sofa', hahaha. No, I don't think she meant it... oh, never mind.
The music? Do you like it? It's a little kelker shows I picked up from Amazon, it's Classic FM's bestseller Summer Guitars Stuck in a Lift Collection 2009 Volume 2. I'm glad you like it because Geoffrey was terribly rude about it; he called it my 'bland tinklings'. What? What do you mean 'the other music'? Oh, that terrible row coming from outside. That must be that other party, I guess, playing their horrid music loud as they like.
What's that? Oh, that's really funny. Hey, everyone, did you hear what Verity said? She said we should try to get our noisy neighbours arrested under the 1972 My Husband And I Are Trying To Get Some Sleep Act. You are a one, Verity. Bit early for that though, a quarter past eight. Still, I don't see why they should make so much noise. That's London forohjesuschristonabike what was that? Oh, god, it's all right, just another balloon. Some fool's let the dog out.
Geoffrey, see to the flipping dog, will you? Yes, Stephen's usually so well behaved, but for some reason he thinks these Windows 7 balloons are rats, so he grabs them by the throat and worries them to death. There were 45 balloons in the packet; took half an hour to blow up. Now we've only got three left. Two left.
Yes, the music is coming from the old boombox and not from our Windows 7 multimedia entertainment centre. Yes, I thought you'd say that. Geoffrey: didn't I tell you that Miss Cynical here would spot that we weren't playing CDs on the PC, and would guess that we couldn't get a driver for the sound? Well, wrong guess Miss Cynical. This is not Vista, you know. Welcome to 2009.
As a matter of fact, there is no difficulty at all getting a sound driver for this machine, even though we are running it at 64-bits. It's just that our CDs won't play on the PC, for some reason. Geoffrey says it's because Classic FM probably formats the CDs for XP, but I think he says that because he doesn't like Classic FM. Geoffrey isn't like myself and you. He has no appreciation of the higher arts.
Now you'll have to excuse me for a moment while I do my hostess duties. If everyone can just come in here for a minute, and gather round the laptop, then we can begin. Yes, very funny Eric, you are allowed to bring in your drinks actually, so no it isn't at all like being at school again, and that was a silly thing to say. If you want to hear something funny, you should listen to what Verity says. Wooj, come on through and bring the others, will you?
Denise, would you like to... What, already? Well, perhaps Jamie is a bit tired. I thought that when he tore up the Windows 7 Desktop poster. Would you like to keep it? I'm sure that with a bit of sticky tape... Well, you see I can't really let you have another tote bag after what Jamie did to the first one. I dare say the keyring Windows 7 Wi-fi detector will still work fine when you retrieve it. Yes, well, you will just have to keep a sieve in the bathroom for a couple of days, won't you? Bye-bye!
Geoffrey, the dimmer switch please, so everybody can concentrate properly. Now, I'm going to start with setup and installation, because, as Julie Andrews says, that's a very good place to start.
What was that, Verity? Oh yes, you can see the lights on the roof of the other party more clearly now. Can't imagine what that's about. We'll goog... that is to say, we'll bling it up later. Bing it. Look, the whole place is literally heaving with people. And that racket isn't getting any quieter, is it?
Cool for spotty cats
Now, heads up everybody and no more interruptions. As you will know if you had read your invite properly, Eric, I chose the Setting Up with Ease theme, so I'm going to start by installing Windows 7 Ultimate. But I won't be installing the ordinary version. Oh no. I talked my contact at Reading HQ into sending me something a little bit special, to make it even more of a party occasion. So I've got the Russian version here. How's your Cyrillic, Veronica? I seem to remember you did Eastern Europe Studies at Uni.
Verity, I don't want to be rude, but do you think you could switch off your phone and put it away? What? Oh, I didn't realise, I didn't hear it go off. From your sister? In the hospital? Poor Jenny! What? Oh I am sorry, of course it's Parity, I remember now. Darling, that's dreadful. Of course you must go to Parity. It's funny, because I thought you told me she had moved to Canada. Oh I see. What a frightful thing to happen on a flying visit. That's London for you. You must send her all our love. I'll see you out.
OK, here's your coat and, I shouldn't really give you a goody-bag since you didn't stay for the main Powerpoint presentation, but would you like to... No? Really? It's even got a Windows 7 mousepad shaped like Steve Ballmer's lightness-of-touch, just the thing to cheer up Parity? Fair enough, have it your way. Bye-bye darling. Thanks so much for coming, mwah! mwah! Hope your sis is better soon.
Hey Verity, you're going in the wrong direction - tube's back the other way. Oh really? Didn't realise there was a rank there. At least walking that way you'll get a closer look at those party lights. I wonder what they are supposed to be. What? A spotty, yellow cat in a white wig?
Don't be silly Verity. What could that possibly mean? ®